Anatomy of My Wife's Affair

I am writing this narrative as an acknowledgment of the specifics of my wife's affair in hopes of putting it further behind me. I have forgiven her betrayal, but still struggle with the pain and anger it caused. I believe the best strategy for getting over this is to become so immersed in it that its familiarity causes its importance to diminish. Eventually it will become part of the fabric or background of my life. Am I right?

This story is about relationship issues, hidden thoughts, poor decisions, deception, and internal conflicts. I wish my wife had recognized these themes as they played out. Instead, she did not always consciously realized or recognized them. She went through this whole thing in a fog. The woman is a romantic, and it has been said that romantics do not do what they believe is right, they do what feels right. For the emotional personality this is an explosive situation, and for me the blast is still reverberating.

I do not expect that this will be an original story. It has played out thousands and thousands of times in other people’s lives. What’s new here is it’s my life.

Before the affair started our relationship was not necessarily strained. I had been traveling extensively for work, but had just moved our family to a new job where travel was not required. We both believed the moved would be beneficial for our family life and us. We had just come through some difficult times with our son who suffered with medical and emotional problems.

Our house had not sold at the time of relocation so we decided to lease a home in our new state. My wife quickly came to hate it. My new job was demanding, but I managed to not be consumed by it. Still, I think my increased energy for work was a competing factor for her.

Although our relationship did not present problems, our son's issues, the new home, a feeling that my position was over shadowing her, and whatever else was in her head created the desire for something new in her life. I am not the perfect husband by any means, but the issues between us were not extraordinary.

She met the Other Man at work. She is a cardiac nurse and works part-time on the night shift. No, this is not a plot for a third-rate porn movie. He was a Security Guard at the hospital that would stop by her unit at night and spread his charm. He gave back rubs and complements to all. He focused on my wife because she responded, and according to him she had the “package”. Coincidentally, I had interviewed him several months before for a management position, but felt he was not ready. Later, another position opened and my wife said I might consider him again. I did interview him and this time promoted him into the position reporting to me. This led to a close friendship, which quickly became a friendship between couples.

The Emotional Affair started during the time he was in Security. He was attentive, charming, witty, and the backrubs presented the opportunity for touching. His access to my wife became easier once we became couple friends. Also, since he worked for me he knew my schedule and could easily match hers. She justified the relationship because they were just friends, but soon began seeing him outside of my view. She was drawn to him because of the need to feel special and pretty, for the attention, and she loved his easy-going manner. These are the exact traits that caused her to fall in love with me.

He eventually led her into a sexual relationship, but had to keep her convinced of the friendship role to keep getting sex. He played a victim to demonstrate that she was ministering to him as well. My wife’s personality does not turn away people in need, how perfect for him! Actually, it was perfect for both of them; sex for friendship and friendship for sex.

I should not imply that her sex life with the Other Man was all one sided. Long-term affairs work magic on low libido folks like my wife. She has told me about how much the sex excited her and that it took her to new places. Places I think you cannot get to with Mr. Day-In and Day-Out. She described it as intoxicating. And the places when sex occurred were socking, in his office, in his small pickup, in my bed, in his bed, at a park and at a playground, but never in a hotel. He was just too cheap for that. What happened to her modesty? Still, I believe the premise of her relationship need was love and acceptance and proof of her worth, not sex.

She said she fell in love with him, a feeling that quickly grew beyond reason because she describes being with him as an addiction. At this point she could not see her life without him. She now also believes he is in love with her. Was he? Who knows?

At this point she is dealing with moral ambiguity. To counter this she learns to balance the guilt and pain against the excitement, pleasure and joy he gives her. The fulfillment of his sexual desires is the most efficient path to keeping the euphoric feelings she is now depending upon. She begins buying and reading sex books, books on massage therapy, and books on controlling people. Sometimes she would try a new sex technique with me, but I usually only enjoyed these encounters once. Sex with me was mostly nonexistent and I thought it was because of me.

She finds the ability to modify her personal value system to now include the relationship with the Other Man. Although she cannot label it as acceptable, she can live with the ambiguity. Of course the fantasy relationship has no basis in reality. She depends upon me to maintain her legitimate life. I am her foundation. It is important to her that I continue living within our value system, being a positive contributor to our family, and above all remaining faithful to her. By pressing these issues, she gives me a false sense of her commitment to a monogamous relationship. Through this I can easily be deceived.

Trouble in paradise begins to appear when she is faced with the reality of who he really is, not whom she believes he is. Although subtle at first these small issues can eventually split the relationship, sending the betrayer back to their spouse. In this case they just did not have adequate time.

He doesn't enjoy the things she loves and doesn’t operate on her intellectual level.
He is beginning to say things that she finds offensive and hurtful, but he does not realize it.
He goes to a strip club with friends, which is strictly outside her bounds of acceptability.
She is beginning to think he is seeing someone else.

She is facing a dilemma because she believes the last two items above are wrong, but they are no more wrong than her relationship with him. This puts her in direct conflict with her values and her discomfort increases.

Eventually, there is an unexpected break-through. The Other Man attends a weekend retreat with his church group. He comes away with a firm belief and conviction that the affair is wrong and should end. She respected and agreed with his newly found conscience and the physical relationship was over just like that. She would however, suffer through another six-months getting over the emotional attachment before triggering the ultimate in accountability. She tells me about it two-days before our 27th anniversary.

From today’s view it’s amazing how I saw the entire affair warning signs and did not heed them. I was so confident in her and our marriage that I accepted her explanations and denials. I used to be proud that she was the only woman I have ever slept with. Now that makes me feel stupid and naive.

The whole sexual thing lasted from November 2001 through February 2004. The emotional affair was much longer. As I continue to deal with the pain and anger, as well as the issues surrounding forgiveness and forgetting, I mostly feel hopeless. I am trying to get to a place where I can say, “So what, it’s no big deal. People make mistakes all the time.” Is that possible? I have calculated that the cost of a divorce would be near astronomical in terms of my retirement funds and loss of her family trust funds.

Where do we go from here? We’ll see. Can I ever be back to that area of complete trust? I don’t think I want to go back to blind trust. We’ll see. Maybe I will become interested in someone else. We’ll see.

Hi Andy, we're glad you're here, but sorry to welcome you to our little club. I think from what you describe there is a lot of hope that your marriage can be recovered and you can be closer than before the affair if you decide you want to stay married. A long-term affair is difficult to get over. It certainly be done, but it takes time. Most affairs take two years to get completely over, maybe a little longer with long-term affairs. But you won't spend those two years being miserable if you and your wife are working toward recovery.

I hope that are you reading the articles on emotional needs and surving affairs on this site. Surviving an Affair is also an excellent book that will give you perspective and hope.

Has your w been working to meet your emotional needs? Is she providing you the level of openness needed to help you build trust toward her?

Do you know her most important emotional needs and are you working to meet those?

If not, I highly recommned a phone call to the Harleys for a counselng session. He will get you and your wife started on the right track. My H and I worked with him, then moved on to a pro-marriage counselor here where we live.

I'm bothered by your last paragraph. I think it is the "we'll see." If that's the sum total of your approach, my answer is you probably WON'T see improvement. There's a clear path, with concrete steps, that won't have you floundering about. One with a good success rate at healing marriages. And it's here. Welcome to Marriagebuilders.

Take care,
Shellybird

Andy,

Welcome to MB. I guess the one thing you never mentioned is what your W feels about all of this. Has she helped in your healing? Has she been open with you? Has she expressed Why she did this? Has she developed a plan to prevent this from happening again? Is it a plan YOU feel will work?

I realize that you feel that most of three years of your life has been a complete lie. Has she been forthcoming with the details you felt and feel you needed to heal?

You see given what you have posted there is no way you will recover from this nor will your marriage be rebuilt, it will only exist. If the answer to my questions are mostly in the affirmative then the marriage can be rebuilt and made better than ever.

What we need is information about her state of mind and behavior since you found out. INformation about HER plans to protect you and the marriage as well as HER boundaries if she has them.

Ultimately it might be useful for you to bring her here IF she really wants to work on the marriage.

I do hope you have read the articles on this site. I would also encourage you two to see a pro-marriage counselor. In case you wonder about the "pro" it is because often marriage counselors are not PRO-marriage.

I look forward to hearing your answers.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Andy,

Sorry that life finds you here. I'm no good at marriage rebuilding and relationship therapy, so I'll leave that to the others; but perhaps I can provide some insight and assistance into the internal conflicts with which you are dealing.

With that in mind, how are you feeling...emotionally, physically, spiritually? I see you've had some time to process these events in your life and marriage, so tell us were Andy's head is at.

You've come to the right place in your quest for healing and understanding. That's a good sign. Whether your marriage survives is unknown. My hope is that Andy survives.

Andy,

I look forward to hearing your answers to JL's questions (I too am interested in your wife's state of mind and reactions)....and thanks very much for sharing your story.

I am so sorry for you. Three years is a very long time. The fact that she had no problem bringing this OM into your home and into your bed is the absolute ultimate in disdain and disrespect toward you. I wonder if your wife would have been so forgiving to you if the roles had been reversed? I think it would be very difficult to have any level of trust toward her. The sad part is that if the OM had not broken it off she would still be having sex with him today. Nobody deserves what you have gone through. I think it is time for you to do what is best for you. I wish you luck.

Hi Andy. Your story interests me as it is similar to mine.
(Except your wife's affair lasted much longer.)
I checked your other posts (TWO) on the 'Just Found Out' forum and found more of your story so I am moving your thread here.

One piece of advice, along with what 'walkingthefield' and 'heartnsoul' wrote:
Do not even consider having an avenge affair. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO IT.
It would only cause heartache in the end for everyone.

(I just re-read and see 'tut's' husband IS having a revenge affair.) So sorry, tut, for your pain of betrayal. You would think he would have known better, after his suffering from your affair.


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andy911
Junior Member

Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 3

Well, this is a first for me. I am so devestated by my wife's admission to a recent long-term affair. I cannot seem to get over it. I am a middle-aged professional who has now been married for 28-years to the sweetest, most innocent person I know (at least that is what I thought).

She had formed an emotional attachment in 2000 to a manager who reports to me and was my closest friend, and started a sexual relationship with him in 2001. It ended in early 2004 and she told me about it the day before our 27th anniversary that same year. I should say that he no longer works for me.

It was only recently (9/05) that I began to take positive steps to help myself by seeing a counselor. I have read the book After the Affair, which was excellent.

She was very relunctant to discuss any of this in detail, but after I did a melt-down she herself read the book. At my insistance we also started writing a journal where we both share our thoughts, anger, hurt and ideas of mending this betrayal. I do pretty much have all the sordid details, but only because of newly found detective skills.

Our sex life was never overly exciting; her interest was just not there.

Over the years I have had many invitations by women to play around, but have always stayed faithful. However, Teresa, my sweet wife has now had her second affair (the first was in the early 90's and was mostly emotional, but started to become physical when it stopped). She has told me that our marriage was fulfilling and that I did nothing wrong. She has a self-esteem issue and gets weak-kneed over complements and flirtations. She is a night shift nurse in the hospital where I work, which gave her plenty of time to hide her lover from me.

Our marriage truly became sexless during her afair, then afterward she lost all interest in a physical relationship. Also, during her affair she bought many "how to" sex books, but they were for him, not me. Why didn't I see that at the time? I did confront her several times, but always accepted her denials. The thought of her having an affair was just too unbelievable.

I met with him a few months ago in a restaurant and gave him both barrels (so to speak). He cried like a baby, begging for forgivness, but I have NOT forgiven him. I feel the first persn for me to forgive is her, not him.

I think Teresa is so remorseful that she cannot yet address this adequately to suit my needs. She is tired of the issue, but understands this will be a long road. I just want the pain to go away.

One of my obsessions is thinking about retaliating with an affair of my own. I know this is just idle thoughts, but getting back sounds liberating, and according to her, the sex is great. Can someone give advise on this?

Also, I believe her sex with him was much more pleasurable because of its risk and forbiddeness. Now that we are being initimate I see that her skills have greatly improved. I should be happy about this (and certainly am during love making) but I am also resentful as well because she did it for him, not for me.

We now have plans to see the counselor together, which should help. I just hate it that I worked to keep our marriage pure and she let the dogs in.

Thanks for listening. Where do I go from here?

Andy

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Bryanp Member
Reged: 08/21/00
Posts: 2017

Hello,

I feel very sorry for you. It is very disturbing that this was her second affair and that it was with a good friend of yours who worked for you. This is such a double betrayal. You were kind to forgive her for her first affair and then she did it again with a good friend of yours for 3 years. What is that old saying: Fool me once - shame on you; Fool me twice - shame on me.

The fact that she gets weak when some male gives her a compliment is pretty sad also. I have to say that the fact that she was having sex in her second affair for almost 3 years behind your back, putting your health at risk for STD's, with our best friend really shows how little respect she has for you. She has made your marriage a mockery for those 3 years. Your wife sounds like a person who has a broken moral compass. Apparently it was very easy for her to lie to you and have sex with your best friend behind your back for 3 years. I think you need to seriously ask yourself what kind of a person would do such a think to you for so long; and why would you accept it a second time? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions and disrespect toward you speaks volumes. I wish you luck.

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csj Member

Reged: 01/03/06
Posts: 87

I am sorry to hear about your situation. But you have found a good place for support and comfort.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? It is a wonderful book, and helped my FWH and I very much. From my perspective, it has helped to have something positive to focus on (e.g. what can I do to contribute to healing my marriage) as opposed to focusing simply on the betrayal.

Recovery is a hard road--particularly when you have already been down it before. There is certain to be more resentment on your part when you are forced to be a BS a second time. Decide what you want from your relationship at this point. Do you have children? Do you want to try and heal your marriage?

Continue reading and posting hera--it helps.

God Bless,
-CSJ

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BS (me) 34
FWH 32
Married 1997
DD, 4; DD, 2
PA 10/04-10/05
DDay 11/17/05
In recovery

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walkingthefield Member
Reged: 11/09/05
Posts: 239

Since your WW is not fulfilling your EN's you are very vulnerable to having an A yourself. Unfortunatly this is common enough to have a name. It is called a "revenge A".

If you succomd to this I can grauantee you will not feel good about it or really fulfill your EN's. You WILL do great damage to your M and drastically hurt you chances at recovery.

Simply put: You WILL regret the "Revenge A".

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WTF

*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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andy911
Junior Member

Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 3

Thanks for the kind words. We have three grown children, 25, 23, and 21. Two are out of college and one is married. They are great.

I just told my W that all the children know about her A. They are letting it be our issue and although they are saddened and discusted by it, have not let her know they guessed it soon after I was told. Our middle daughter guessed it and nailed her 18-months before it ended. I think she suffered with the knowledge, but did not tell me. I was just visiting this daughter in San Diego where she lives and she told me how conflicted she was in not telling me. I don't think I needed to but I forgave her for it.

The funny thing about my W's EA from the 90's was I felt more irritated than betrayed. There was a fair amount of anger, but I was also greatly concerned about her emotional state. The fact is she was squeesed out of the relationship just as it was becoming sexual by a friend. We moved soon after.

The sexual A is a much different matter. It lasted over 40-months, which means she wanted her addiction and the stability of me. How do I deal with that?

Andy

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tut Junior Member
Reged: 04/01/06

I too had an affair with a Dr I was working for and let me tell you, the shame is so intense when it's over, I couldn't talk to my husbnd about it either, not even with a counselor. It's been 7 years, I've remained faithful and love him dearly....looking back, I wish I could've been honest with him and answered his questions but the shame and fear were so deep.. Do go to counseling together and believe that God can restore your wifes love and desire for you and you only but at the same time be wise...watch for relapes but try not to push her away by always being suspious. My husband is now the one having the affair and I cant help but think I deserve it, I'm reaping what I've sown. We've been married 26 years and he told me 3 days before our anniversary. I now know the pain I put him through.....horrible.
Dont give up...

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teresa

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heartnsoul53 Member
Reged: 08/03/04

Andy

My h had a very long term affair (8+ years). He ended it immediately after I found a cell phone message. Recovery from a LTA is different.

It sounds like you set aside dealing with the affair for a while. I'm glad you found MB to help you work through the fall out. And you will need to work through it with your wife. It isn't something that can be put away and forgotten.

Try posting on the Recovery Board and the General Questions Board. The GQ Board gets a lot of activity. And the Recovery Board offers a lot of positive support and advice from others trying to recover their marriage from the damage of an affair. There is a thread on the Recovery board about LTAs (posted by PW1) that you might find interesting.

Andy, you and your wife need to get into some individual and marriage counseling with a pro-marriage counselor. It is natural that you have some anger and resentment built up. The feelings you express are real for you. She needs individual counseling also to help her better understand why she is 'weak' and vulnerable to affairs. You both need to know how to deal with affair issues in a healthy, constructive way.

BTW, there are others here who can speak from first hand experience about revenge affairs. They are not the answer. It won't help you deal with your feelings or issues about your wife's affair, and it will seriously complicate the recovery process for you.

Best wishes to you, Andy911.

Oh Celt,

Thanks for moving all Andy's previous posts here.

Andy, when you have a chance...WE NEED TO TALK!

My wife has been helping w/ this, but just lately. I read the book After the Affair in November. The plan was for her to read it then we would go to counseling together. She did read it in February after I blew-up about her aviodance. She has avoided I think because of guilt and remorse.

We have been journaling back and forth over questions and emotions and future plans. Typically she responds to my emotions (saddness, pain and anger) with "It seems as if you are only focusing on yourself." I do console her on her pain (betyral and loss of lover), but I think I am carring more weight than her.

At the time her affair started we seemed to be happy and well adjusted. I think she simply fell to temptation.

She has answered almost all my questions, even about sex. I have read that it is better to not focus on this but my imagination was way worst than the truth.

She has just finished a book called Feeding and Care of Husbands (???) and is trying to tend to my emothonal and physicals needs. She is anxious to deal w/ the future because her recent past has no coherent explaination. It would bother her that I am posting here. She wants this strictly quite. As for me, I love the secret!

We will see a counselor next week, but I am feeling very bruised. God is lucky because when He forgives, He forgets. I seem to be stuck with sollowing a very bitter pill. This just doesn't fit my sense of justice. I do love her, cannot afford to exit, but want a more exciting relationship like she described to me from her affair. Well, maybe that's asking too much.

Andy,

How long has it been since discovery day, D-day? It may take her a long time to come from the fog she was in given the length of her affair. What does she tell you other than your pain is the result of focusing on yourself? What does she offer as to the reason for the affair? Does she discuss how she justified it, and cut you out sexually?

I am asking these questions to get a handle on this. As for it being "fair", well that is for you to decide. You must decide if the marriage is worth more or less in some measure to you. You must ask if she offers something in your life you need.

But, first you must realize that it can take awhile to recover from this. It sounds as if she does NOT have any idea what this has done to you.

You might mention that basically 4 years of your life have been a lie. That the person you trusted most could not be trusted. That this takes time to recover from. I think you two seeing a counselor is a great thing. But, I think you feeling you cannot get out of the marriage for financial reasons (if I recall correctly) will lead to resentment on your part. You need to stay because you want to be with her. That is your part of the recovery Andy.

Must go. Look forward to hearing more of the situation.

God Bless,

JL

My D-Day was 9/8/04. I am a very private person and for a complete year I stumbled around in a fog myself, mostly feeling deep depression, hurt and anger. Still, aside from tough discussions I treated her extremely well. Last October I had had enough. I started reading more positive information and sought out a counselor.

She says the reason was foolishly letting one wrong thing lead to another. I can believe that. She only apologizes for the sexlessness of our marriage and cannot say what she did so many out of character things with OM. I think it is because the "flesh" is in total control and when in Rome...

She is all for restarting our life more truthfully, counseling, anything. To accomodate her I have just agreed to have A discussion times, and days where it is not discussed. She said yesterday that the whole thing is beating her down and she is beginning to think maybe we can never get over it.

This is very hard. Thank you for your interest and willingness to help.

Andy