I'm not a regular poster here, but have been reading for years. I have always hoped to see something about my situation and from there could learn from someone else. Short of that, I've always known I could post. Well...here goes:
I'm both FWS and a BS - though not at the same time. My experience as a FWS happened some time ago and for some, would be classified as an attraction - but not a real emotional affair. It was never physical and involved an internet friendship. Still, I feel that I've experienced enough of what a slippery slope is like, that I feel that I am just as guilty.
That said, my real question has to do with my WS. I've known him since we were kids. We met in grade school, and were friends. By middle school, we were sweeties. By high school we were pretty serious, but straightlaced. In a few words, I held tight to my values and wouldn't put out.
He was a football player and attracted many girls. Many of them had very loose morals, and I have since learned that he began cheating on me when we were just kids.
We broke up, married other people, and like so many found ourselves divorced. Mutual friends reintroduced us and we began dating just before we both turned 30. We decided to marry and we began a family.
I have always had such trust in him, though I think it was more of me wanting to trust him rather than him earning it. His prior marriage involved infidelity on both sides. My marriage ended because of abuse. I think I was wanting to return to a time and a place where I felt safe. He was both familiar and seemed safe.
Over our 13 year marriage, he became close to a number of women. They would call the house and I would voice my objections. He would spend time away from home and I would catch him in lies. He would claim that they were only friends. I endured a lot of suffering over his friends and I tried to be an understanding wife, telling myself that he was just a friendly person and that nothing was wrong.
The 13th year of our marriage was a very rocky one. He suddenly decided he needed to find himself, got an apartment and moved out. I found out that he was involved with a woman at work and it was definately was a full-blown physical affair. I was absolutely heartsick with reality hitting me in the face.
When the affair was discovered and his money was running out, he came home. I felt settled for. We worked hard to rebuild and recover - and this is how I have learned much about his second life that he still claims wasn't really additional affairs.
Since much time has passed, I've always considered us to be recovered. But are we really? Have I just learned to stuff things and to accept what I cannot change and to love anyway? Can a person who has a demonstrated behavior pattern of betrayal truly change (he isn't a sex addict) and see the light - or am I just seeing (again) what I want to see?
Thank you to anyone that may want to offer an opinion.
Cindy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
