First, a few new issues. H and OW are no longer working together and no longer seeing each other. H found out that OW was an opportunist who used him to get ahead at work and she no longer needs him now. He is devastated and I almost feel sorry for him.

He moved into his new apartment, which oldest daughter tells me is a pathetic little place. Again, I almost feel sorry for him.

Younger daughter seems to have made peace with him not being here and has, again, basically cut him off. I have no sympathy about that.

And on to me, I'm done with trying. Too much hurt, too much bs and not enough love. I'm running on empty and I realized that it's not so bad. My life has settled and I now know that I deserve better than what he has given me. I did my very best Plan A and followed it with a great Plan B but now i'm moving to Plan me.

There was no one thing that brought me to this realization but I think it was precipitated by how he abandoned me emotionally when my dad passed away and then abandoned me completely when I was at my lowest point. Someone who loved me wouldn't have done that. Fog or no fog, depression, midlife crisis, whatever, I needed him and he wasn't there and all it did was show me how strong I can be.

Physically, I feel better than I have in a long time. It's like I no longer need to live to please him. i noticed thing that I guess I had ignored during my "perfect marriage". My daughter told me yesterday how pretty I looked with makeup on and asked why I never wore it before. I answered honestly, that Daddy didn't like me to wear makeup. From there I realized that it's been years since he told me I looked nice, that there were times I cut my hair or drastically changed the color and yet, he never noticed. I'm finding pieces of me that have been in hibernation for 18 years and I like it. I can, once again, be me. It's a powerful and awesome feeling.

I think at first I was so enmeshed in the why did he do this to me thing that I wanted the marriage saved at any cost. Now I see that he was the one that was lacking in the marriage and how dare he make me feel useless and worthless. I'm healing. I hope he heals too, but I doubt it.

Hi ISL,

I'm glad I saw this this morning. I'm a sucker for a story with a happy ending, and it certainly appears that your's is exactly that.

If you decide to stick around to help and advise others, you need to change that screen name though...it no longer applies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Ron. I no longer feel lost and it's a good feeling. For a while there, I thought this would kill me but here I am. I am by no means ready to date, god help me lol, but I feel I am ready to be alone and that's a really big step for me.

Hi there lady - I can't say "Hi there Iamsolost" because I agree with Ron about your name. You may recall I recommended you change it some time ago! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

On the path to individual recovery, those who succeed at it have to cross the point you describe. This doesn't mean that marital recovery suddenly becomes impossible - just that it becomes optional.

No one can say he won't soon see the light. He might. he might not. But this is out of your hands.

I recommend you continue on your path and allow him to take the steps necessary to officially dissolve the marriage. Strange things have happened in this phase. In that you wisely recognize that you have no cause to immediately "replace" him, you consequently have no cause to hurry a divorce - if it is going to happen. Sit tight and continue to heal, all the while setting yourself up for the best goal you can strive for - a clear conscience.

WAT

Thanks WAT. You've always been such a great support and I so appreciate that. I'm not pushing for a divorce. The ball is still in his court on that. I'm just learning to be me again. Right now it's just me and my girls and my pets and that's all I need for now. And, yes you did recommend a name change a while ago lol.