First, a few new issues. H and OW are no longer working together and no longer seeing each other. H found out that OW was an opportunist who used him to get ahead at work and she no longer needs him now. He is devastated and I almost feel sorry for him.
He moved into his new apartment, which oldest daughter tells me is a pathetic little place. Again, I almost feel sorry for him.
Younger daughter seems to have made peace with him not being here and has, again, basically cut him off. I have no sympathy about that.
And on to me, I'm done with trying. Too much hurt, too much bs and not enough love. I'm running on empty and I realized that it's not so bad. My life has settled and I now know that I deserve better than what he has given me. I did my very best Plan A and followed it with a great Plan B but now i'm moving to Plan me.
There was no one thing that brought me to this realization but I think it was precipitated by how he abandoned me emotionally when my dad passed away and then abandoned me completely when I was at my lowest point. Someone who loved me wouldn't have done that. Fog or no fog, depression, midlife crisis, whatever, I needed him and he wasn't there and all it did was show me how strong I can be.
Physically, I feel better than I have in a long time. It's like I no longer need to live to please him. i noticed thing that I guess I had ignored during my "perfect marriage". My daughter told me yesterday how pretty I looked with makeup on and asked why I never wore it before. I answered honestly, that Daddy didn't like me to wear makeup. From there I realized that it's been years since he told me I looked nice, that there were times I cut my hair or drastically changed the color and yet, he never noticed. I'm finding pieces of me that have been in hibernation for 18 years and I like it. I can, once again, be me. It's a powerful and awesome feeling.
I think at first I was so enmeshed in the why did he do this to me thing that I wanted the marriage saved at any cost. Now I see that he was the one that was lacking in the marriage and how dare he make me feel useless and worthless. I'm healing. I hope he heals too, but I doubt it.