This subject has come up on another thread and I would like to get some input here. I know my approach is probably wrong, but I absolutely CRINGE at the thought of sharing bank accounts with my husband.

Why, you ask? BECAUSE HE IS A TIGHTWAD AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW HOW MUCH I SPEND!!

I make a comfortable living and I am used to buying what I want when I want. He is a compulsive SAVER who squirrels away every penny and buys store brands versus name brands.I go in the store and toss whatever I want in the basket. He is very miserly and does price comparisons.

However, all my bills are paid on time, I have minimal debt, a great credit score, and I save money out of every check. It's not like I am spending us into the poor house.

He would be horrified if he even knew what I spend on lunches. And he would have heart failure if he knew how much I spend on make up and other personal effects.

I probably could save more and I realize this. One of my friends told me that he found it disturbing that our finances are seperate, that this is a sign of "trouble."

But is it really? I am just thinking out loud here and would like the input of others. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am not frivalous but I would hate to have to account for every penny I spent. I think so long as neither partner is putting the marriage at risk through overspending/debt, then just do whatever works for you both. TT

Mel, what if one party doens't work (i.e. stay at home mom)? Personally I like to joint account approach since both parties are accountable for their spending.

If we all practice radical honesty there shouldn't be anything to hide right?

My friend's husband even questions purchases like tampons, contact lens solution, vitamins. He also likes to do the shopping so he can buy all the cheap brands and special offers. I LOVE special offers and get a thrill from a bargain, but some people do take their obsession with money too far. He believes it is ok for him to have a very expensive season ticket to his favourite football team though.

We never had any financial problems in our marriage for years and then WH wanted to build a house. I can't tell you the stress it caused me as all our savings got poured into the moneypit. And then, all the furnishings had to be the best, even though it was going to be a rental property. I never want to feel so out of control again. TT

well..... I don't know that I want to be "radically honest" about how much I paid for a bottle of moisturizer at the department store! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My husband and I have separate accounts, also. Like your husband, mine is more of a saver while I am more of a spender, although I don't run up debts and he is willing to spend money on non- necessities like dinners out and vacations. I think to other people it would look like my H and I have identical views on money but we are just different enough to create some interest.

When we first got married, my H owned some rental property and I did independent contracting. If we had tried to throw everything in one account and still keep track of the inflow and outflow for tax purposes, it would have been a mess. Having separate accounts made everything so much simpler. I suppose now we could put everything in one account, but we're used to this.

As far as being accountable for spending, we sit down together every once in a while and go over who has what and what money is for emergencies, retirement, etc. When my H got invited to a seminar to explain options for his 401K plan, he invited me to go too, and discussed with me afterward whether he should take advantage of one of their money managing plans (which costs extra). Neither of us makes big purchases that the other one has to live with without discussing it first. For instance, when I bought myself a new dresser I made sure he wouldn't mind seeing it in the bedroom every day. You don't need to share bank accounts to be transparent about money.

Now, if you said you had a secret bank account that your husband doesn't even know you have then I'd see trouble. But having separate accounts that you each know about to me is like having separate closets or separate bathrooms. It's a convenience.

TT, this is what I fear the most. I am not used to being monitored in my spending and I know I could expect comments about every purchase. He would shoot me dead on the spot if he knew what I spend on my son. I admit that I do, perhaps, overspend on that boy, but I WANT TO. And I can afford it.

Melody,

How about a joint account for household expenses, bills, etc. and you have your own personal account for yourself? This way you can have your independence to buy what you want/need and your H will not have heart failure when he reads the statements.

Just a suggestion.

Mel,

What was mine was hers and what was hers was hers also.

Periodically "we" would get into credit card debt. I knew this because she started talking about refinancing the house. She would go through my wallet on a daily basis and take anything she wanted. I knew NOTHING about her paycheck, her spending nor her(our) debt.

I am not complaining , that is just how it was.

THAT will never happen again.

Men (usually) by nature tend to want to save more money, women like to spend. My W and I have a joint account, she has a part time job and has more freedom to spend that money as she wishes but also lets me use some once in a while. Even though she earns some money too, she still tells me how, where when she spends it, unless it's a gift or something for me. Then again she's a FWW so she's obligated to tell me.

I believe that since I'm the main bread winner, my pay goes to all the main expences, house, car, bills, etc. and to me, the wellfare and wellbeing of the family comes first, but if medication or something along those lines is required I don't look for bargains.

Clothes and other items like that, yes I look for a bargain but won't shop around to save 22 cents on an item.

My wife loves to shop, I don't, I have learned to be more generous with money and she has learned to 'shop smart' (look for savings) and in this way, bills get paid and she still gets to shop. Makes us both happier.

Even when my H was his most wayward self I could trust him with our finances. For me the ultimate in commitment is pooling your finances. I see too many couples that don't and it makes it too easy to D. JMHO, I do understand why a woman/man would need some of their own money to spend without accountability if the family can afford it. My H came down on me hard several years ago about my spending and rightfully so. He got our finances back on track and now does not question my spending. Every large purchase has to be agreed upon by both of us.

Elspeth, thanks for the input. Your situation closely mirrors ours and I am quite happy with it. I don't tell him about every minor purchase, but I would never buy a big ticket item or make a major decision without his input and AGREEMENT.

I have no secret accounts, however, HE DOES. He has all these little savings accounts ratholed all over the place. He also pretends like he doesn't have an extremely high balance in his checking account and has told me before that he is "broke" when I know he has $20,000 sitting in his checking account.[and all his bills are paid]

Maybe I should be wondering why he hides money? hmmmmm

BTW, I have a separate savings account that my H's name is not on. I opened up during his A because I needed something for me to control. He is aware of it and I only use it for Christmas gifts and extras for the kids. I offered recently to put him on the account. He declined. Said as long as he sees a statement occasionally it is mine. He has a paypal account that has a balance from his ebay sales. It is his to spend as he pleases but I have access to it. It was, btw this account that I found out he was sending money to OW before and after OC was born!

This was my xh. I got $45 a week to spend on groceries for 3 people (one a toddler). Whatever was leftover was mine to keep (snort). I once asked him for money to buy the baby shoes. He replied, "That's what grandparents are for."

The Wookie and I do our finances together now. We are accountable to each other for what we spend.

I'll have to admit, Mr. Tightwad had me so trained that even now I feel guilty if I go out for lunch (like today...I forgot my lunch....but am yo-yoing about grabbing a bite somewhere, not that I'll be in "trouble" for it, but because it's still so ingrained).

What if your husband made the same comment about you, would you feel like a partner in marriage with him with it came to financial issues?

My wife and I maintain a joint checking account, but we have separate charge accounts. We each buy things we want and at the end of the month we pay off our charge cards. We know the the boundaries and limits of what we can afford. Sometimes I'm more thrify and sometimes she is. The good part about having separate charge accounts is we each maintain our own credit. I have never had a problem with what she spends, nor has she had a problem with what I spend. She usually monitors the expenses and when things are tight she just says we need to be careful this month and I just watch what I spend money. It's a matter of trust. I have always been the one to make more money, but it doesn't bother me how it gets spent. When she was a stay at home mom she spent money the same as she does not that she works. Money has never seemed to be an issue for us. Well, expect maybe one time when she came one with a diamond ring that she wanted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think a lot has to do with each others spending habits, their trust of each other, their power play over money and what they expect.

Good points, all! I will be back shortly to read them all and respond.


**snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> love that Sandy Squirrel!!

Mel,

Reading your reply about secret accounts reminded me of an old partner of mine. Frank was the nicest guy you could meet, literally give you the shirt off his back. Because of this trait he was a very soft touch for any and all insurance salesman that seemed to emanate from his extended family on a cyclical basis. When his wife would unearth a secreted policy or a premium notice she would explode. The fallout always took a couple of weeks to settle down.

Frank found out he had cancer and died 6 month to the day of discovery. His widow had EVERYTHING paid off from cars, furniture, homes, boats and kid's college education.

Melody

I am of two frames of mind about this. One is, if you are both enthusiastic about the arrangement, then it's yours to decide that it's good for your marriage. What works for some people won't work for others and that's why we have POJA rather than a set of stringent rules to follow. Find what makes you both enthusiastic and happy.

That said, I wouldn't be comfortable with the arrangment you describe because I think it makes it easier to hide things. Well, of course, we all know that determined people will find a way but I can say that with both of us having complete access to all records of all accounts, it would be very difficult for either of us to carry on in secret for very long (unless whoever was a very patient, very cheap date <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) Obviously, shared finances and shared records is not the ultimate safeguard against any sneaky business. But, I think the more 'plugged in,' aware, transparent everything is the easier it is to notice when something starts looking odd.

We both have access to all the bills - and just last month I spotted an odd number on there and said "Who do you know in <state>?" Turns out it's his father who just moved (yeesh, I knew that but forgot). I know what he spends and where he spends it and how much he spends on it. I know he doesn't have any secret accounts because I regularly print out and we jointly review our credit records (more for security against outsiders than anything else).

Of course, with that financial intimacy would have to come some serious POJA regarding what is and is not a lovebuster. You might have to modify some of your spending but I also think he'd certainly have to back off with the judgements about what you're spending on and what you consider to be a necessity.

I know it looks scary from where you are, but if you could imagine a time when you both knew exactly what money was where... and it wasn't a constant source of conflict, do you think you'd be happier? More at ease?

If so, it might be worth gently trying to work it out. If not, and you're both as happy as can be the way things are.. then why fix what ain't broke?

Mys

Mel: "Maybe I should be wondering why he hides money? hmmmmm"

LOL, maybe he already knows your spending habits. Or suspects? He's not an idiot, right? He probably wonders on occasion where all the money goes.

Do you have any joint long-term savings accounts? Retirement accounts? IMO, it's very important to share and understand the balances in these "life" accounts. More so than day-to-day expense accounts or even or mad-money accounts.

My FWW makes good money. I do not care what she chooses to spend on herself day-to-day. She deserves to treat herself well, IMO. But, we both know to the penny what our long term savings account balances are.

It’s kind of funny, though, that she does feel a need to check up on my day-to-day spending.

Maybe it’s primarily a matter of where your Financial Security EN lands. Mine is a ways down the list. FWW’s is second.

With prayers,

Ok, I acknowledge that I am speaking as a FBW, in Recovery, whose FWH kept secret accounts which he began AFTER his A. Before then, we ALWAYS had JOINT ACCOUNTS since we first married 30 years ago..No way would I be personally agreeable, in our situation to separate accounts...

Mel, I wonder..how does this MB policy fit with your viewpoint...

Policy of Radical Honesty

and What about this?:


Mel, I might have this wrong but it sounds like you don't feel comfortable being HONEST with him about your purchases....