Call me what you want. I just left my wife (23 years married) 3 weeks ago. I have 2 kids at home(10,15). I coudn't stand the pain in my head living in RANCOR. I nearly blew a gasket when she said. "I'm happy". I quit my job last september when it was obvious my affair was showing light. I made the decision ...a concsious decision to spend a weekend with a colleague at work. Why? Because we had lived in withdrawal for for so many years...I thought it was normal. And each time I asked my lovely wife to be home on Sunday, she was off spending $1,000.00 of dollars with the kids at volleyball tournaments. Our monthly expenses have grown to $14,000 a month. I have refinanced the credit card debt 3 times and the home we bought for $400k in 1990 is now mortgaged to $720k. The reason I changed jobs so much in the last 5 years (5jobs) was to find one that paid more to pay the debt. Last year I found her with another 70k in credit cards. My last job paid 22k per month and I hated it! My employees hated me and I hated myself because of the way I had to manage to get results. Yes! we broke every record in the books over the last 18 months but the real record was not having an affair for 23 years under these conditions. I AM the true WORKING STIFF. I worked 60-65 hours a week trying to make ends meet and now I'm the "bad daddy" who left my wife. I wont ever trade my life again for a woman who thinks she deserves what ever she wants under the disguise of "love for the kids". Thank God I found this site and understand the 3 states of marriage. I told her tonight I choose "joy and passion" in my life. Do I look forward to divorce..NO! Am I happy by MYSELF...Yes! Do I have a lot to learn and can I make the changes?...YES! I took the first step by walking out. Narcissism? No , just no tools to pick up and apply to my trade. I told the "honey" we are done before I found this site. Today I want to work on my marriage and successfully accomplish what I know is true and morally right. When i asked my wife if she looked at MB...she said she didn't have time. Of course..Another tournament in Atlanta last weekend and another in LA this week. Who's got time for a marriage? Who's the selfish one? Who's protecting the kids from spending time with their father? Who's life is about to be shattered...all of ours! Who spent 38K in Dec.? It wasn't the Narcissist.

Until you give up your affair we cannot help you.

agoodplace4love,

They just invented this new procedure called divorce. It is called an alternative to things like affairs, abuse etc....

If you want to excuse what you did, you have come to the wrong site my friend.

If you want help, you came to the right place.

Maybe I misunderstood, does this mean you've ended the affair already?

If so, good, we can help you. First step - send a "no contact" letter to "honey" with a copy to her husband if she's married.

If you need help with a NC letter, just say so. Briefly, it should say "I screwed up conducting an affair with you and I now realize that my family is much more important in my life. Never contact me again."

WAT

Yes..affair is over. I will work on the NC letter today. And return the key and personal items.

Hiya, AG,

Thank you for moving your post. What did you think of my answer to you in the other forum?

The NC letter needs to be reviewed by your wife. I understand you have a lot of resentment. It might be difficult for you. I get the idea that you can do anything you commit to...including transparency. Giving your wife all your passwords and means of contacting OW, whether you believe she wants them or not, would be a great step to owning what you did. Leading the way in ownership, I believe, is really important in true recovery--and will give you a great foundation for a marriage to thrive.

You may not, at this point, believe that your marriage can be fantastic, but it can.

LA

Do not return the key and personal items personally.

What kind of personal items?

Why not just destroy them? - or destroy the key and donate useable personal items to charity?

If these are personal items that reasonably should be returned, i.e., they have real value and are "owned" by the woman, not just "symbolic" value or gifts to you, send them back with the NC letter. The goal here is for NO MORE CONTACT of any kind.

Does your wife know all about the affair? If not, tell her. In either case, have her read the NC letter and mail it for you of click the "send" button.

WAT

Thanks for the post... And yes I do think at times it's only me...and I'm the crazy one...and then I look at my bills and hers...Only I know she doesn't believe her spending is the problem...it's her "lifestyle" she doesn't want me to change. She told me she was "happy" and wants her husband back (the one who works 6 days a week and makes 300k a year) I made $1,545.00 last month...now thats a record! lol I havn't revealed my A and won't without help form MB. I have scheduled a phone interview for tomorrow. I shouldn't have left the house...but then again if I hadn't..I wouldn't have found MB...God's plan...*S* ? My wife is hurt because I left her...The A will lead her direct to an attorney...and no chance of reconciliation...I know her all too well. The withdrawal began so long ago...

Hey, AGP,

"...The A will lead her direct to an attorney...and no chance of reconciliation..."

This is your belief...the one you're choosing. I think you very much want to choose a different one. About you, not others, not even your wife.

Did you read up on Lovebusters? This is a DJ to you and to her. Also, your interpretation of her wanting you back like an ATM is a DJ...a disrespectful judgment. I know you didn't know about these...they run your life, create it, and a marriage cannot survive, let alone thrive.

Your wife said she wanted her husband back.

Know this is her desire, her want. Respect it as hers, not yours. You believe you are a walking ATM. She may not believe that. You don't know. When you do this dance in your marriage, the "distance" like withdrawal that you feel leaves you not knowing one another at all. DJs make distance. They are abuse. Worth withdrawing from.

Her spending is a love buster.

Lots to learn. Each with your own part, therefore, your own power in the marriage. I hope you choose to save your marriage. Only takes one. I know.

Listen to WAT about contact...and toss her gifts. They are trash. Might wait until you confess your A, have all the details ready and the gifts in a trash bag. Nice symbol. True symbol.

LA

AGP4L-
I'm posting my reply here from your question on my thread.
I have read your other posts, and I understand you had issues in the marriage before you decided to have an affair. But something you have to get is the affair was a decision you made. Your wife could have been the evilest meanest person in the world, but that doesn't give you the right to have an affair.

I think if you've read as much on here as you say, you already know that. I am glad you got that pocket bible out and started reading it. I am glad you have chosen to leave the OW. I am glad you are choosing your wife and kids.

But you need to tell her that you had an affair, as she has a right to make the decision whether to leave or stay. And that decision will not be made in a minute. Once the initial shock wears off, she might be more interested in reconciliation than you can imagine. But you have to give her the knowledge beofre she can make a decision.

I also noticed you titled your thread about narcissisism. Just because you had an affair (therefore engaging in selfish behavior) does not mean you are a narcissist.

As for ending contact with OW, it has to be with a NC letter mailed with your wife or by her. And the things you have to give back to OW need to be mailed as well. In person goodbye's will leave one more memory for you to have of her--one more moment for your wife to have to get over. Your wife's feelings should be of more importance than OW's from here on out.

It sounds to me like you do truly feel sorry, but are also very bitter about your financial sitch with your wife. All that can be addressed in later months as you start working on the marriage, but right now start with the truth. And owning the fact that the A was your choice.

The people here are GREAT, and they can help you. You're at a good point just by wanting to work on the marriage.