Good day to all,
It has been some time since I have posted. The main reason was just that there was nothing to tell. I kept on with my text message campaign to WW. I had no reply for a long time from WW. I had one asking me to please stop trying to contact seeing that WW has moved on with life and BS should do the same.
I have been keeping myself busy with normal student life. (study little and party a lot). I have been working on myself and just going with the flow as they say. I met interesting people and made some new friends and I have spend some quality time with my old friends.
Make no mistake I have bad days too. Yes and some lonely days. My life has changed so much and I was in a different place last year this time. I was happily married.

A few weekends ago I was asked by my WW’s family to help them with some snow and forest work. So on this weekend WW showed up. WW does not look good. She looked old and stressed. She wanted to talk about the possibility of working on our marriage. But WW said first priority is a child and second is that I can not asked anything about OM. I told WW that this was not the time or the place to talk about this. WW should make a time and a place where we can sit down and talk about this. I did not stay the weekend there but was asked by WW if she could drive me home which is 100km away. I said thank you for asking but I no thank you. I tried to phone her later in the week but she did not answer my call nor did she call me back.

So last Saturday at 10 pm WW text me(I was talking to DLK21 at the time). How are BS. I did not answer it b/c I was busy with some of my studies. WW phoned and asked why didn’t I answer her text. I said b/c I would like to think about it and then answer her. WW put the phone down in my ear. She text me again PLEASE can we talk. WW does not use please easily so I phoned her. She said that she is in big trouble. I got scared and said does she want me to come there or what can I do to help her, is she safe, is she ok. She said she is ok. So no I hear OM said in the back ground I can come and pick WW up b/c he does not want anything to do with her. Now WW tells me how sorry she is and that she made a big mistake. But she will call me sometime. I ask again if she is safe and she yes she is, end of phone call. She phone again and ask if she could come and stay at my place. I said yes of course. She took a taxi and was here an hour or so later.

When WW saw me she laughed first (I shaved my head). Then WW hugged me and asked if I hate her. I said no I don’t. She was crying for a long time. We had a long talk. Now she knows that I am a easy nice person to live with. We had so naïve marriage with out many problems. Now she knows that we had so good marriage and that she will never have that again. I asked her so why did you walk out on me? She does not know. Now she realize the small things I did. But I should have pampered her more. I said well even after all this time together I still made her all the birthday, xmas, name day cards myself. I sometimes put little notes in with her food when I pack her lunch saying that enjoy your day. Her answer is that I should have done more.
WW said that she is only 34 and manage to fu…k up her life. I said yes you have but you or women enjoy drama b/c with drama you get so much emotional responses. WW said that she does not like drama but seems to cause a lot of drama. I said that I don’t hate her and that she is not a bad person but what has happened to us is bad.
WW has always checked my emails and my text messages. She has always been very jealous person but it did not bother me b/c I was an open book to her. So WW tells me that OM is worst than she is. He is dominating and a real traditional male in the house. His word is law, he makes the decisions in the house. I asked WW so how do 2 dominant people stay in one house and has she broken some stuff b/c of her temper? WW answer was with a lot of fights and yes she has broken some stuff.

WW said that what she has done to me is getting to her now, it is like flash backs and that she can not handle it. The first few months she thought that she will never see or speak to me again but now it is completely different. WW said she can not stay with OM b/c she has so much feelings for me, but she can not stay with me b/c she has feelings for OM. WW is afraid to leave OM b/c she will be lonely now she can lean on him. WW asked me what she should do. I said that I tried everything but she did not come to her senses. BS have learned that you only have power over your self. WW should make this decision on her own. WW said she knows what she should do but she does not know if she has the power to do it. I said well you had a lot of power to turn against me, by walking out and making us sell everything and loosing our future dreams that we both worked for and planned together. I think WW should get some professional help and she agreed b/c she needs someone with experience and bias. WW wants to get her own apartment and do some soul searching. I said that that is a step in the right direction. Funny thing WW said is that she is afraid that our sex life would die. I said well we don’t have a sex life.. or a marriage WW said that she would give anything to be where we were before this has started.

Now for me. I have talked a lot to DLK 21 and I thanks for your support mate. I have read the LB and HNHN and loads of other books. I feel that I should have had the affair but I am very happy that I did not have one. I feel that I have been the doormat for most of our married life. My opinion is that rather give a ton and get a lot back from a relationship then to give a little and get nothing back and just grow old. I am a relationship kind of person and I enjoy the close contact that a relationship gives you. But this is a preference and I came to the conclusion that I do not need it. I am happy on my own at the moment. So what does this mean….That I have given up on saving my marriage. I don’t know for sure but I think so.
My question is how do I help WW, I still care for her and I hate to see her so hurt?

But the things BS does, does go thru the fog. The exposure does work.

Take care MB’s
Van.

van, I did follow your story somewhat and am happy to hear your WW is coming out of the fog. As a BS you get to a point where you realize you will be fine without the WS and it makes you a stronger person.

You've done well and now it may be your decision whether or not you want this marriage. Think about it carefully and whatever decision you make, we will support you.

good luck

I certainly wouldn't pay to set her up in an apartment where she can't be monitored and will likely ride the fence entertaining you and the OM. You've got a place and you could sleep in separate bedrooms if need but at least you'd know where the head meets the pillow every night.

I would encourage her and assist her with getting counseling.


Good luck with your studies,

Mr. Wondering

If she is not suicidal and in no immediate danger from the live-in OM, I'd let her heal/fix her own mess. She needs to do that to grow into the person she is very capable and worthy of becoming...or once was.

Don't be her parachute or her safety net.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do to help someone is the hardest.

She's got some painful growing to do Van, allow her this.

And of course you don't want her back right now, but if allowed to fix things, to grow, to make amends where needed...you just might end up someday with a wife you would want to have, and that you could love again.

I hate to say this but no where did I read that your W wants back 4 u. Seems t/b all about her which makes this recovery dangerous.

How do you feel about her coming on those conditions? U willing t/b a doormat?

The OM don't want her and u r next? Hm.... Please be careful.

take care,
L.