Hi,
It has been 13 days since D day, H became a violent man.. He is more quiet right now, but he doesnt speak to me, he doesnt eat anything that I cook...
I dont know how I should act in order to help this situation...
I made him a lunch for his work but he didnt accept it.. (I put inside car, but maybe he just throw in a wastebasket..
Do I need to try to made things that I use to do it for him, (as his lunch)?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Give him MORE TIME!

His life is destroyed---------he has nothing left----not even his manhood. Gove him more time.

CIAO!

HE complains that I dont say anything!!!

I dont know how I should be..

If I speak to him, he doesnt answer anything..

I understant he needs time, space, and believe me Im agree, I can wait.. however, he complains that Im too quiet (he said)

Im comfused...

I dont want to do more difficult all this...

I want to make him a letter, but I dont want to get angry...

???

Your H has very low self-esteem as a consequnce of the EA.

Tell H that OM was fat, ugly, poor, classless, and with no dignity. Furthermore, state that OM was a man with no moral values and a complete loser. I understand it may be difficult to say these things because after all you picked him as OM. However, you must swallow your pride and denigrate OM as much as possible.

Try it

Let me know how it goes

CIAO!

Actually, you must tell the truth. No matter what. But do it with compassion.

tear,

Dos semanas no es suficiente para aceptar los hechos. Si me acuerdo bien, me tomó dos o tres meses para llegar a la posibilidad de recuperar el matrimonio. Tienes que entender las cinco etapas de "grief". Se encuentran aquí.

Me suena como tu esposo está pasando entre el enojo y la depresión. Es un avance. Confía en mí. Es un avance.

Si está enojado, quítate de su camino. Si está deprimido, consuélale. No se ve pero te prometo que te necesita en estos momentos. Necesita saber que le amas, le quieres, y que quieres salvar el matrimonio. Te va a probar. Te va a probar dia y noche. Que estés consistente. Nosotros BS's decimos cosas que no creemos. Deseamos lastimar a ustedes, y sentirnos mejor a la vez pero no funciona. No crees en lo que escuchas. Confía en tu amor. Confía en tu fé. Dale chance. Dale tiempo. Ayúdale a tu esposo confiar en sí mismo otra vez.

A propósito, no estoy de acuedro de que te odia. A lo mejor, él se odia a sí mismo. Okay - te pegó. Estuvo mal. Pero, sobre todo, ¿a quién está lastimando más? A sí mismo. ¿Qué crees qué quiere decir eso?

U can't stop him from being angry. That's what a WS is, one angry stupid person.

So how will you treat such a person?

1. stay away from him? (plan B)
2. allow his violent actions to manipulate you?
3. reverse babble and give him back his guiilt?

It's up to you. When my Ws used to come over all ready to pick a fight, I used to make him work hard to get one. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I eventually learned that if I asked or told him t/d something he wouldn't......his WS way just would not let him do what I asked .... so I asked him 'to be happy'. I said with all this misery someone that I knew had better be happy since we (his family) were sooo sad. I said the OW doesn't count because I don't know her. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well that sent the WS into a dizzy spell. He couldn't be happy with me or without me because that was what I asked..... so even when he was with the OW he had t/b grouchy. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> That made the A real fun.... for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

tear is the WS AFAIK.

I know. Maybe my example was not a good one but if she is the one who is trying to do right and he is the one with the violent tendancies then she can apply what a BS does and see how it works....for her. She can absorb what guilt is rightfully her's but not what isn't.

She isn't a Ws anymore.....working hard to shed the Xws skin and be the W. He isn't letting her for his own reasons. If she puts her best effort and that's not enough for him, then she should leave but only after she has done her best. Only she knows what that is. Maybe not yet.....but soon.

L.

tear,

I can tell you for a fact that I never for one second hated gemela. That is a foreign concept to me. I was devastated by my Dday. It hurt so much that she was in the USA. So much I wanted and needed to know and to say. I lost over 10 Kg in three weeks alone. I went 4 or 5 days without food at times. I got no sleep. I was in shock, denial, bargaining and depression all at the same time.

I promise you that the one I hated was me. I don't have any idea why I hated me but I did. Shortly after gemela got back from the USA - maybe 3 weeks after Dday - she had an abnormal pap smear. We went in for testing because it was at least grade two cervical cancer. We were barely speaking at the time over the affair. OM was still here and they were talking daily although she could not go see him. I remember we walked into the hospital separately she was that mad at me. It was a difficult time. She had the biopsy and we had to wait a week for the results. I prayed to God every single night that he would take my life over hers.

I never once stopped loving gemela and I doubt seriously your husband has stopped loving you. Love doesn't work like that. Yes he is angry. I don't blame him. He has that right. He does NOT have the right to hit you. Don't give up on this just yet. Please be patient. You need to give your husband the time he needs to deal with his loss. Help him when you can and leave him alone when you can't - but stay close to him always.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences... It really help me...
My conversation need is huge...and my mom is going to return to his town tomorrow..Im goint to keep writing here, and its going to be hard..
Yesterday when I arrived home my H inmmediately got into his room and close the door.. Im worry about him, Im deeply sorry about he.. I know violence is not a solution here, but believe me I love him a lot...I terrible sorry about all pain that I cause..to my H to my family..to ma daughter..
Even this I know I cant go to past. I need to live TODAY and think in future.. I dont know what is going to happen in my M...
I cant sleep, and today early (1am ) I wrote to my H a letter, I apologize for my behaviour weekend.. and I wrote him about I worry about him, and he stays every moment in my main...
I let him the letter in his pillow... HE doesnt say anything about it...
By mistake I opened his briefcase (equal as mine) and I discovered a copy of my NC to OM.. I know EVERY time he reads it he got hurt, and he is sad, angry... My NC letter wasnt rude.. and I wrote thanks to OM... I let letter there, but I dont know if is a good idea to have that and he can read it several times, and hurt more and more...
Besides this NC, my H asked me to called OM and asked him to leave me alone, and stop email me... I did it.. and I dont feel ANYTHING about OM..
THanks God!!! that man,, doesnt deserve any feeling from me...
Im sad, and the doubt about what can I wait for future it kills me.. My H doesnt say anything.. maybe he plans to leave me once he got his car (abr 15).. or he is looking for a place to rent..
HE doesnt eat anything, he is upset.. and Im afraid our rutine life can full our time, and this can be like this long time.. !!!!

WHy time pass so slow?

How can I forgive myself for the big mistake I have ever made??

Tear,

"Even this I know I cant go to past. I need to live TODAY and think in future.. I dont know what is going to happen in my M..."

No, Tear...stay present. You are still married, he is still in the marriage, and you still have your daughter. Go into the past to see what you believed that gave you permission to do this; find all your resentments and destroy them, one by one. Stay present knowing you are working on saving your marriage.

Rewrite the No Contact letter...and send it IF your H wants you to. In no way thank OM...unless it is "Thanks for helping me to wipe out two families; for disrespecting and conspiring with me." Write it as the truth as you now know...that no contact is forever, you pray daily for your H's forgiveness and will use this to know your choices and choose wisely.

Have you taken your H's face in your hands and told your truth into his eyes? That you will do everything you can to help him heal? Answer any question, fill a lot of your own needs, all the things you've identified in yourself to change, to become a faithful, loving person to yourself and to others?

Forgiveness comes slowly from human beings, tear. God's is the only instant one.

LA

Thanks LA, I need to be patient... and work in myself..

What beliefs do you want to work on in yourself?

Were you a patient person before? I wasn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

BS an advice please,,,

OM called me by phone today, you can read my other post for detail...
Im going to tell my H about this phone call, but Im afraid of his reaction... sometimes he become violent... Im scare...

Why OM called me? I dont understand... believe me I was clear about this A, that it finished,,, and he said ok, and suddenly (it has been more than one month, since I finished my A, and I havent have any contact with OM.

I feel could be better if I dont tell my H, but inside me I know I should because I promise him...

I dont know how is he going to react. Im sure he is going to be angry... even my behaviour about this phone call was good.. My phone call last only 3 minutes more or less.. I was rude with OM. I want him OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER!!!! Im not interesing in having any contact with him..


Im cofuse about, should I need to be transparent with my H even if I know he is going to be upset, and mad?
Why a 3 min phone call can be so important?

3 minutes? The no contact rule is simple. If he calls, you hang up immediately and tell your husband. If he e-mails you, you forward it to your husband. Absolute transparency. If your husband thinks you're lying or keeping this from him, he's going to be more upset.

Personally, WS or BS, I don't care. If the relationship got violent and there was physical abuse, I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.

See, if you had told him as soon as the OM called you, your husband wouldn't be able to say, "Por que no me dijiste antes que ahora?" or "Por que me mientas?"

La verdad as tan importante aqui. Tienes que decir tu esposo a todo quando el OM llamarte por telefono. Immidiamente. No es importante en por que el OM llamarte.

Lo siento para el Espanol. Soy gringo. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm simply saying, you shouldn't be asking us, you should be telling your husband. If you're scared, have a friend or family member that knows go with you to tell him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Vaya con Dios. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drex,
You are absolutely right, I told my H about OM phone call, but as some time before, I asked my how he would prefer about this issue just in case OM call me. and then my H asked me wait until he arrives home, and not talk to him immediatly... he asked me "dont talk to me just to say me that OM called you" and that what I did, and even this, my H behaviour was to get angry. And he said me "why you wait to tell me? and he said I dont want to talk about this right now, and he hang up!!
I got angry also.. believe me, I let phone rings several times, I wasnt prepare about this, my first reaction was not to answer, and then I though If I didnt answer, OM could trying again later.. he is a stuborn person, so I thought would be better to answer phone and be rude, and thats it...
I dont want anything about this OM, I know is difficult to believe in a WS, but Im sincere..
My H got upset, and I dont see him until tomorrow afternoon.. At least this time weren violent.
If there is another phone call, now Im not going to answer..

I just made mistakes right??? Im so fool... and I got angry with myself, for be so stupid....

Why a BS want that WS be so transparent if BS is got to be furious, angry?
I know a BS cant say thaks or congratulations, but is more difficult if someone got violent, and if he cant control his angry.
If a BS called you #$%! and stuffs like this,, is more difficult for us to be quiet.
At the beginning I was quiet, even this bad words, or even violence, but then I got tired and I got angry also...
You can imagine how bad were things at home, with both angry.
My H said that I challenge him, and he is angry.. I dont know how I should change my character, or what can I do?