hoping Mimi will see this so we can discuss the book without me threadjacking somewhere else!!

Anyone else who is familiar with the book, the seminars, or the basic concept, please join in.

I am referring to the book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. I have read the book, and my new Husband and I attended the two day seminar recently. The basic concept is that a woman requires love to sustain her, as a man requires respect.

My question is this - how does a woman show respect to her H? It sounds so simple, yet in reality I struggle with it. I have a whole lot of repect for my H. he is a Godly man, who volunteers at church. he makes a good living and provides very well for his family. he doesn't smoke, drink, or swear. Many times I have thanked him for these things, and he always smiles at me when I thank him, but it doesn't seem to have a huge impact on him.

the other day we had a small discussion about this topic. I told him, again, that I appreciate all he does. that he is a good provider, a good man, a strong roll model. his repsonse was "I don't really need you to thank me for all of that, I just need you to show me respect for my authority around the house". I was shocked by that - because in my opinion I DO show respect for his authority around the house. But sometimes, if I don't agree with something he says, I will wait until we are all alone and start a discussion like "I think we should allow YS to do ___" or "why did you say no to ____". My H says that when I question his decisions like that, I am showing a lack of respect.
I feel that starting a discussion when we are alone, away from the kids, and when neither of us is in a bad mood, is a good way to communicate, share our opinions, and reach a decison together.

Any thoughts?

Hi WOF...

I agree with your approach to a private discussion with your H if you disagree, assuming of course you do it in a thoughful and loving (ie - not condescending way).

However, I think the "respect" thing must focus more on WHO he is instead of WHAT HE DOES.

You point out that he's a good provider, doesn't smoke, etc...To me this seems to focusing on the ACTS rather than the man.

I would simply try telling him that you love him and appreciate him for who he is....

Ahhhhh......
A little light bulb comes on over the head of WOF.

I tell you one thing, I have a LOT of respect for a man who will attned a two day seminar on relationships. At first my H was not real excited about the idea. I said "there is a seminar at church I would like to go to, it is about marriage and realtionships" he said "Huh? Why do we need that? We aren't having any problems. I said, "I know, and I want to continue to build a strong foundation so we don't have any problems". He went along with me, perhaps to just appease me,but as it turns out he really got a lot out of it, and now he tells other people that it is the best thing he has done,and that everyone should attend a Love and Respect seminar, even if they aren't married yet!

When he talks to other people about how much he learned at the seminar, and explains the concept of working to build a strong healty relationship, he is sooooo sexy to me!

Mimi-you out there???
thoughts???

Georgia may be onto something. I think that it's interesting that you describe what he does. It makes sense to describe him generically to US. However, I'm hoping that you don't convey this to him. These things that you point out aren't so SPECIAL.




If your H is like my H, he sees those things as being standard, garden-variety behaviors that a H does. He probably wants to hear your appreciation for the special, standout things that he does daily for YOU. You see, you said this even again.



Too general, IMO...maybe you need to express appreciation MORE OFTEN and SPECIFICALLY. I say stuff like..thank you for making my coffee..thanks for calling me..thank you for planting those pretty flowers...whatever your own H does daily..say thank-you...


This is probably a PARENTING issue. Do you make decisions regarding your son without checking with him? I used to do that unknowingly..not knowing that my H felt disrespected by this. So we POJA on everything. Lots of time my H doesn't care that much about the issue but he likes for me to check with him. I'm surprised every time that he wanted me to check because, in the past, I did not know that it was such a big deal. I've learned a lot from that book about the RESPECT issue. I thought it was just my H's thing but it seems like, as you indicate, it's an issue for lots of men.

Another thing..My H has to feel like I'm not CRITICIZING him so when you have that discussion, it's important that it doesn't come across that you are questioning him. I've learned to make sure to say something like: "This is my opinion..I know yours may be DIFFERENT"..emphasis on the DIFFERENT rather than implicating that my opinion is RIGHT and your opinion is WRONG. You may not be doing this but in the past, before MB and my sessions with Steve H., I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT MY OPINIONS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Yep. I just noticed this. He probably sees you as QUESTIONING HIM..seen by him as CRITICISM..rather than stating your opinion..

I've had to be VERY CLEAR ABOUT..THIS IS MY OPINION...

This should validate for each of us, Faith, that this is a real thing since both of our Hs are expressing these feelings..WOW!!!

In the end, it's all about POJA..straight MBers...

WOF - That is a good question.

I read somewhere, that

"Respect is a responsive relation, and ordinary discourse about respect identifies four key elements of the response: attention, deference, valuing, and appropriate conduct....And there are very many ways to respect things: keeping our distance from them, helping them, praising or honoring them, obeying or abiding by them, not violating or interfering with them, destroying them in some ways rather than letting them be destroyed in others, protecting or being careful with them, talking about them in ways that reflect their worth or status, mourning them, nurturing them...To be a form or expression of respect, behavior has to be motivated by one's acknowledgement of the object as calling for that behavior, and it has to be motivated directly by consideration that the object is what it is, without reference to one's own interests and desires."

Sorry, I don't remember where I found it.

I think their are some decent insights there.

Perhaps you are showing respect with attention and appropriate conduct, when your H feels its more about deference and valuing.

Perhaps its not about talking to him, but about talking to others about him. Perhaps this feels more genuine.

Perhaps he questions your motivations for giving him respect. Perhaps he feels your respect is not motivated by his intrinsic value, but an act to serve your own interests.

Maybe some of this gets wrapped up and confused with his need for you to respect his authority. (Which to me, sounds a little harsh.) No clear answers for you, but maybe some time on these other forms/expressions of respect will allow the way you are approaching disagreements to go a little easier and not come across to him as being disrespectful.

Just my thoughts.

all good insights!

I guess what I am starting to wonder is if Apprecaiton is different from respect.

I too thank him daily for things like getting my coffee, taking my car for oil changes, things like that. I tell him he is sexy, and handsome.I tell him how good his butt looks in his dress slacks. I refer to him as the worlds greatest husband. when other people in our midst complain about their spouses, I always say "I am married to the worlds greatest husband" I am 100% sure that I am showing him admiration. but I do not think that is the same as respect.
BUT I also worry that he and I have a different idea of what is respectfull.(I look at the world through pink sunglasses, he looks at the world through blue sunglasses)

In my perfect world scenario, I would like to be able to say "I would like to discuss ____. In my opinion we should ____." And then he could give his opinion, and we could calmy agree on how to proceed. but in reality, it is hard to have a conversation without him thinking I am questioning his authority, or me getting my feelings hurt.

Don't get me wrong - he is a great husband, and we really have very few conflicts. I am just ultra sensitive to trying to get our M started on the right foot, to form good habits now instead of bad.

YES....as a big neon sign flashes on and off....on and off...

Appreciation is:

Thanks for the coffee
Thanks for the clean car
I like the way you provide for us...etc.

Respect is:

I am so fortunate to have you as my husband
You make me feel so loved
I would marry you all over again...

etc.

To pontificate...how would you feel about H if he had a stroke and he couldn't..wash the car...make the money...etc?

Do you APPRECIATE him...or do you RESPECT him?

WOF,
I just had a thought on your question as it is something I have been thinking about as well.

Perhaps one way to show respect is NOT with
"thank you for x, y and z OR I feel loved.....ect...."

But to ACT.

This is what you said: he is a "good provider, a good man, a strong roll model."

Maybe you act so that it is clear to him that you think he is good provider, a good man, a strong roll model."

You let him know in other ways. Consider his imput, that lets him know you value his opinion. I would let my H read my papers (for work). I would ask him if he could look at it and tell me what he thought of it. Was it well written, does it make sense, etc. He would always give me a lot of comments, and I know that he wanted me to share with him what I was working on. It made him feel that I valued his opinion and he felt that he could contribute. I kind of stopped doing that before he left (just did not think it through).

So, instead of saying I value your opinion, show him in ACTION that you value his opinion.


You can show he you believe he is a strong role model via your kids. So, if one of them has a project that you think H has much knowledge on, send you C to him "oh, mom says you know much a lot about this topic because you did xxx " OR "mom says you are good at explaining how things work" OR something like that.

I am just chiming in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.....learning as well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />..

Best to you.....

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Faith-you said:



I've noticed how difficult these scenarios are for my H and I,too..maybe it's natural...

I've found it helpful to say out loud OVER and OVER again: "I'm not questioning you.."Don't take this as questioning you..before I proceed with my point...emphasis on the word QUESTIONING...

I believe that he is getting it....

I also have to remind him to speak in a tone that does not HURT MY FEELINGS...he doesn't seem to mind. With his blue glasses on, he was not aware that he was hurting my feelings..

I am more aware of that tenseness when he feels DISRESPECTED than he is of my SENSITIVITY..interesting..but I am the one that has read the book.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi...you realize that men (most, at least) are far less sensitive to any emotion-based issue than most women? It is only natural that you are more aware of his tenseness when he feels disrespected than he is of your sensitivity.

Exactly....

I'm so impressed that my H is LEARNING..as I am...

The approach in the LOVE AND RESPECT book has been EXTREMELY HELPFUL to our marriage...

I've been reading it out loud to my H although he has not read the book and he agrees so much with the author's viewpoint..as you do as well, Georgia.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bumping for SL...

WOF,
You mentioned how in a perfect world you would say to your H "I would like to discuss ____. In my opinion we should ____." And then he could give his opinion,"

How about switching that around...Maybe you can say:
"Dear, what do you think we should do about xyz, how do you think we should handle this?" Listen to HIS opinion first, and then give your opinion. Be open to trying his suggestion even if your opinion is different than his on the way you handle the scenario you all are discussing.. He will feel respected and needed by you and he will feel his opinion is valued. It sounds like a small thing, but with my own H I started asking for his opinion first and for suggestions from him on how to handle situations and then I would give him my opinion, not in an argumentative way, but more like "I was thinking we should handle it xyz way, but I value your input, Let's try your suggestion, thanks for helping me out with this dear..." It made a world of difference. When I changed my approach H sometimes suggests that we try my suggestion first and..My guess is he felt/feels much more respected by me.

Wow I did not realize this was an old thread. Nevermind my reply here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I loved this post by FGG! It speaks to what I am trying to re-learn to do. I used to do this. Why is it so difficult now. Am I letting the recent past get in the way, bringing in the fear, and putting me on the defensive? I spend so much time waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for some venomous action/word from my husband.