We just met with a marriage counselor for the first time together. My wife says she just wants out, but she doesn't want the kids to know!!??!!

Next week are are meeting to discuss how to end this marriage and still be together for the kids.

Damn!

Or is she just waiting on you to mess up in front of the kids so that she can then tell them and blame it all on you.

If your just now going to counseling, don't give completely up yet. Use the counseling to try to work some things out.

And read the Concepts section on this site. You can likely make some easy changes to improve your marriage, and continue improving it through the MB concepts and MC.

Hey Heart,
Long time no "see". I haven't been around much myself.

Unbelievable that your W went to MC with you. Your sich is really sad. I'm curious how exactly she expect to get divorced and not tell the kids. Kids aren't that stupid to begin with and probably know things aren't right with the two of you. Seems like W wants to do what she wants but wants to save face all around. Bit odd. If she was sure she was doing the right thing you would think she wouldn't need to hide it. The kids are probably better off knowing now so they can cope as she proceeds rather then getting a slam in the heart when they find out on thier own or through some other sorce accidentally.

I continually wish you the best and I admire your guts. This can't be easy.

Hugs,
Symphony

Hi Symphony,

I'd been away on purpose. My wife found some of my posts, and they really hurt her. Now that she's given up, I'm back to get help coping.

She went to the MC because she hoped it would help us separate. She wants the marriage to be over. The counselor tried to get us talking, but W told him she doesn't want to make things better. Then she said she didn't want to go back and wrote me a note saying things like "Why are you holding on when you know its over?","We need to be grown ups and face reality and not listen to counselors who make money keeping people together that are unhappy together.", and she's praying I find a girl friend soon so I'm not left bitter and sad.

The counselor said she was depressed and asked if she was on medication! The next day I found she was looking at bipolar literature.

She said she wants us to remain friends and still do things together with the kids. I'm not sure I can. She kicked me out of our bed, and I'm living in the basement now.

I gave up! I gave her my ring back and told her she was free to go and said she could divorce me.

The kids are already tearing my heart apart. I kissed them goodbye yesterday before I went to work. As I went out the door, one son yelled "Bye Dad, I love you!" I was crying too hard to answer.

Thanks for the support and hugs. I really need them now. But our kids need them more.

Heart,

So why if it's her that wants the divorce do you have to lose the kids? You shouldn't have to be the one to leave the house either. This is completely her choice and she is the one who takes the consequences.

"We need to be grown ups and face reality", Next time she says she doesn't want to tell the kids or anyone else you can quote her.

I'm sorry you are in a place that is so heart wrenching. I know despite everything you want your M to work and the rejection that you have been dealing with must be really heartbreaking. It's alot for one person to take.

I do hope you have a good support network for yourself right now. It's really important to have someone (or a few) to lean on. You hung in there, you've really tried and your heart is in your M. There isn't alot you can do. You can accept that she wants the M to end but rememeber, you don't have to agree and you don't have to make it easy for her. Let her have a taste of what she is asking for. You never know, a little time out on her own without her kids every day and she might see things a little differently.

Take good care of you so you can take good care of the kids.
Hugs,
Symphony

Hi there HeartOnE-It sounds like your wife is the twin to my husband. He wants out and doesn't want the kids to know he's had/is having an affair. I told him that I won't lie for him.

I'm not familiar with your situation but is she having an affair? It sounds like she's living in lala land thinking that you can divorce and the kids not know it.

My WH suggested we just stay married so I didn't have to go back to work-that means I take care of the kids 5 days a week (while he travels full time to the city where the OW lives), cook, clean, pay the bills, do homework, run them here and there, and have no emotional or physical connection to him, no chance to date or meet a man much less have SF ever again in my mind because I'd still be married and he could carry on his affair. I told him that wasn't much of a deal. He replied that I would get to live in a nice house and have the bills paid-wow-thanks but I'll pass.

If we divorce then I still have to do all the stuff with the kids but at least I'll have a chance to have a fufilling personal life. I'm just at the point where I want it over with because he's not making any real effort at reconciling. My life is in perpetual limbo at this point.

I don't think she is having an affair, but we live such separate lives now, that I don't really know. She keeps saying she has never cheated on me, but I really don't trust her any more.

I've built up a strong support system with counselors, pastors, friends, and mostly just building up my self-esteem. I'm actually taking this a lot better than I thought. I think I have already gone through the grieving process for our marriage (denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance). Now I just need to focus on what I can do for the kids. They are all still really happy. They are getting new bikes and we are all going biking together today.

We are renting a house, but have to be out by the end of June. We are looking at buying a house for the kids, but aren't sure how to handle the living arrangements.

I actually feel a lot better now that I have set her free. I keep hearing about people that get remarried after a divorce. Sometimes I wonder if that could happen to us, but right now I'm not sure I will ever want her back.

She wants us to still do things together with the kids and for me to be a big part in their lives. I actually think she is afraid of being alone with the boys. She can't handle them.

Forgiveness-There is no way you should have to stay and be a nanny for your husband. You deserve better than that. My wife was the same. She wanted me to concentrate on my work and just stay in an empty marriage for the kids. That isn't fair to you and it isn't fair for your kids.