Married 12 years, together for 20. Two kids 5 and 3. I had an PA which lasted about 3 months. It had been an EA for some months prior to that. It was ended mutually as we were both unhappy with the state of things and that it would lead nowhere. I never felt like a fell out of love with my wife. I knew I could never leave her and the kids. About 6 weeks after it ended I was still racked with guilt and dark thoughts. I was having trouble seeing how I could be a good husband and father and keep that secret between us for the rest of our lives.
In a moment of near panic attack, with little thought of what events I would set in motion, I confessed the affair to my wife. It was the most horrific experience of my life, the realization of the pain and destruction I had caused. This was a about 16 days ago.
She threw me out and after a few days we slowly began to come to terms. We each saw a counselor alone and have been once as a couple. Up until a few days ago it seemed we were making progress, at least in laying a foundation with which to start the healing process. She said she would not make any lasting decisions about whether or not to give me a chance to be with her until we had given it more time and counseling. As for the last few days, she seems to be in a downward spiral that I can't stop. Any of the progress we've made seems to be gone and then some. Every time we talk about the A it sends her into deep sadness and anger. I can feel her pulling away and rethinking her commitment to working this out.
Today she called with more questions about the A and I tried to answer honestly. They were very painful anwers, I sure. She then called to say it was over. She's given up and cannot see a way to ever forgive me. I've offered everything I possibly can. Absolute honestly, to be an open book. My patience love and devotion. Too little too late.
I don't want anything to do with the OW. I've had NC with her except for a couple of brief phone calls to firmly establish NC which my wife knows about.
All I want is her and my family. I fear I've lost everything. Twenty years of love and happiness, my beautiful children, a nice home, a life. For nothing. For cheap sex and flattery. Things my wife would have gratefully offered more of if I would have talked to her.
I've created a ****** on earth for me and my family.

VD (err, you know who I mean),

Call the MB counseling center, ASAP. (A link is at the top of the page). You first. Right away. Time is of the essence. Your BW (Betrayed Wife) can join you later.

Then, can you convince your BW to come here?

Usually, it is the BS (Betrayed Spouse) who is where you are wrt saving the marriage. But during the past two years here I have seen your situation many times. Many work out if MB methods are rigorously applied. It is a lot of work. It will be more work than you have ever done in your life.

With prayers,

blessings to you league...

you are mountains ahead of some other wayward spouses....

you are showing great insight...

this isn't over...
emotions are too raw to make any huge decisions and to take much at face value...

this turn of events infact is much more typical and normal
expected...
and in some ways required...
your wife is grieving...
and going through the stages...which fluctuate and wax and wane...

this in fact is healthier than a false everything is hunky dory recovery.....

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE>>>>

you did the right thing in telling her though it does not seem like it....

start reading here...
ARK

Thanks but my insight isn't worth crap at this point. An email from her has nearly put the final nail in the coffin. She wants me out.

16 days after D-Day my beloved was living with his mother and all his possessions were in a pile in our garage ... we are 10 years recovered.

There is hope.

Don't give up.

Valley,

" She wants me out." Understandable...BUT YOU DO NOT MOVE OUT! You must hang in there and wait for things to simmer down.

Her grief and pain are unbearable right now. Do your best to calm and love her...if she lets you. If not just stay out of her way and hang on.

Things will calm down.

k

DON'T MOVE OUT!!!!!!

DON'T GO

FWW moved out the day after DDay, split all our finances and was gone for almost six months.

We are at 2+ years recovery.

I echo, “Don't move out.”

But, in the interest of full disclosure, I also admit not being around FWW for that first while saved my sanity for when I really needed it later.

With prayers,

Thanks for the replies. I wouldn't move out voluntarily, but realistically if she wanted me to go badly enough I would have little choice.
I'm in the home for now and we're talking about the future which makes me feel really good. Who knows what the next hour will bring. Right now I'm full of hope and will try to hang onto that. A few hours ago I thought all was lost.
We see the MC tomorrow. We even laughed a little bit at how we both think he's kind of a doofus. Anything we can do together is fine with me.
I wish I could talk to anyone considering having an affair and convince them how bad a choice it is. It seems so obvious now. What the ****** was I thinking?

i will keep your family in my prayers. there really is hope. hang in there.

VD, there is always hope as long as one party wants to save the marriage...remember that. Your wife is hurting more than you can imagine right now and she is rightfully angry at your betrayal to her.

Answer whatever questions she asks of you with RADICAL HONESTY. Now is the time for complete honesty. Don't feel like you are tring to protect her from further pain by withholding the TRUTH.

Show her that you love her through ACTIONS and don't give up. If you really want this marriage to be saved you will have to be completely transparent to your wife and make her feel SAFE again. Give her all your passwords to emails and voicemails. Her trust in you has been shattered and it will take much effort on your part to rebuild it.

Your getting excellent advice from some of the best here.

good luck

I am a FWW, and you are so correct about the pain this causes, but, if you want the marriage, do NOT give up. Go to MC and be ready to weather some storms. Hang in there...

THIS attitude makes your chances for recovery go WAY up.

no excuses
an affair is a really stupid choice


THIS is what kept my husband in the running ....(BTW, his was a long affair with the wife of one of his friends ... bad, very bad) ... my husband said

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this right."

it's not copyrighted ... so feel free to use <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

... and then ... he followed up with ACTIONS

Bless you ... all of us have erred ... it takes courage to face the full impact of devestation an affair causes ... many wayward fall into the hole of excuse-making ... you are an EXCELLENT candidate for full recovery.

the time-line on your wife's healing is around 2 years ... and maybe longer

there is usually a rather large flurry of anger that seems to come out of nowhere around 6-8 months into recovery .... just don't be surprized, it's almost predictable


courage & strength

Pep

A lot has happened since I posted this. We've have a few rough spots but my wife has been incredibly patient and loving under the circumstances. I know a few weeks isn't very long but I was beginning to think that we were different. That we could beat the odds and recover without months or years of anguish. Time to get realistic. I was and still am prepared to talk about the A and answer all of my wife's questions honestly, but apparently I still need work in that area.
At issue, and what seems to have completely derailed all progress to this point, is a receipt for a greeting card that wasn't voluntarily disclosed. That could be it. A 2.50 card could be what tips the balance between reconcilitation or not.
A hard lesson in radical honesty (or lack thereof). If you're going to do it, rack your brains for every detail. If you withhold any facts or details and they come to light than everything starts over. In fact it's worse. Now she doesn't believe anything I've told her.

If she has not kicked you to the curb ... you are still in a good position.

Stay straight and true.

Pep

You still sound a bit foggy. It was not the $2.50 greeting card that tipped the balance between reconciliation and divorce. It was your perceived lack of honesty.

I can never figure out how a WS suddenly thinks they should be completely trusted.

There are no shortcuts. You will not escape the years of effort it takes to recover. Your wife has been stabbed in the back by her partner and best friend, the one who was supposed to protect her.

BTW

it's not the card

it's the lie that there was nothing like that ever shared

the lie has taken your wife's love bank to zero

make some deposits

want an idea?

CLEAN the house top to bottom
WASH her car for her
TREAT her to a manicure/pedicure while you stay home and clean the house

understand?

MAKE love bank deposits and stop making huge withdrawls with stupid lies !!!!!!!!!!

and live as un-sloppily as you possibly can

Pep

You need to get this kind of thing straight. A BS’s lie detector is hyper sensitive. It will be for many years. You must jump feet first into the policy of Radical Honesty (RH).

Have you read it yet? Look here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Study it. Learn it backwards and forwards. There will be an exam. There will be many exams.

Also, it may be more than just this lie of omission – as small as it seems to you. If this card was sent after the A supposedly ended, that’s a huge red flag to the BS. You may be able to say you just forgot about it. Although that is not usually believable to a fresh BS. But if it happened after you told her NC started, that makes you out to be a liar of both omission and commission. It makes the A still on in her mind (mine too, actually).

What to do? Always tell the whole truth, or say you can’t remember and will get back to her as soon as you do.

Can you get Mrs VD (unfortunate user name, huh) to come here?

Can you get her to speak to a Harley? That would help both of you a lot.

With prayers,

I believe she's here already posting as

OnlyFoolsRushIn

for emphasis (Believer said)

There are no shortcuts. You will not escape the years of effort it takes to recover.