Hello everyone. This is my first post. I am a BW. My WH and I have been married for almost 13 years and together for 20. About 2 weeks ago, he confessed to me that he had had a longterm EA and a 3 month long PA with a woman he works with. He says this is the only infidelity. I was blindsided. I had absolutely no idea anything was going on. We have always been lovers and best friends and I did not notice anything different in our relationship. Needless to say, I was totally and completely devastated. I kicked him out immediately, but have since let him move back in. I still love him and I want very badly to work things out with him, as does he. He says that he still loves me, that he always loved me, and that he never considered leaving me or our 2 young children. My problem is (one of them, anyway) I cannot make myself understand how someone could so utterly betray and lie to someone they love. The idea of an affair has, honestly, never even entered my mind. I actually believe in keeping the vows that I took, and I thought he did too. Also, another issue that just feels as thought it is going to rip my heart out, is that while the EA was going strong, my WH's office had an employee/family gathering outside of the workplace. Not only did my WH drag me and my children to this function, but he stood by while I stupidly made small talk with the OW. I even told her that my husband had told me such nice things about her. To say that I feel totally humiliated and like a total idiot is just the tip of the iceberg. How do you treat someone like that that you supposedly love? The one person who I always felt would love and protect me has now become the one person who had inflicted the most pain and misery on me. How do you forgive someone for that? I'm in a really bad place right now. One minute I feel like, "I'm doing okay. I might actually make it through this", and then the next minute I'm curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably, yet trying not to wake up my kids. If anyone has any helpful insight, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

I'm sorry I don't have the answers you are looking for, as I still haven't figured out myself how my WH could do what he did while telling me he was in love with me and carrying on like nothing was different...

I do believe you can work past this though, especially if your H is willing and truly remoresful. Have you read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair yet? If not, I recommend both and for both you and your H to read and absorb the info in them...there are also some great articles on this site for you to study in the meantime...

How did your H's affair end? Are they still working together?

I know exactly how you are feeling and I am so sorry you have to go through this...but you have found a great place here to get support and to realize that you're not alone in this...way too many people have to go through this agony, and many make it to enjoy a better marriage than ever, if that's what you want, you sure are in the right place...God Bless

Hi and thanks for your reply. It helps just to read something supportive. I do believe my WH is truly remorseful. He says he and the OW mutually decided to end the affair because they both felt that what they were doing was wrong (of course this is after numerous sexual encounters going on for 3 months). Anyway, the affair had been over for about 6 wks when he confessed to me. He said it was eating him up that he was keeping that secret from me and he wanted us to start over and not have any secrets anymore. (Until then, I didn't think we ever did have any secrets.) He does still work with the OW. He tells me he never sees her, though, and that they are both going to great extremes to avoid each other. If I want to work this out, I have no choice but to believe that, or I think I would just go crazy. Anyway, thanks again for your post.

Take care.

Hello,
Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I think you should start out by changing the title of your post to recent d-day - DD here means dear daughter. I thought you had a new baby to report.

You'll get more people looking at the post and responding that way.

You really need to get your hands on a copy of the book, Surviving an Affair. it will be your lifeline during this.

The fact that your husband and the OW broke off the A is a good thing. The fact that he confessed to you is just awesome. That shows me he is commited to you. Mine wanted to tell me he said and was so glad I found out.

The problem you will see now, is that the evil despair of the affair is now gone from him- it has been securely attached to your heart. It is so hard to get it lose, too.

Even though they broke it off, he really needs to find a new job. That is going to be a big key in getting past this. There are lots of cases where the FWS and the OP try to keep working together. It really slows doen recovery and often leads to the A starting up again,.

Is counseling an option for you? If so, you can call Steve Harley at MB. I understand he is well worth the money. CHeck your insurance plan. Many offer free counseling for a few sessions with a local counselor.

everything you are feeling is so normal for this so un-normal feeling situation. It is not an easy road to travel, but you can do it. Buckle in, it is a rough and rocky road often called a roller coaster.

Read all you can here on the site, read surviving an affair, and post here when you need encouragement.

take care

Hi,

I am soooo sorry you have to go through this. I am a BH and know the feeling of being betrayed. I understand your pain.

I am not very good at this and not sure I can help you but I can say that for the past three months I learned a lot just by being on this forum.

What I’ve been told by many of the great people on this forum was not to blame myself for what happened. I believe you should do the same for your own sake. You didn’t deserve this and he had no right to do it no matter what.
IMO, if he says that the A is over then he should commit to R (I wish my WW would do the same). He needs to be transparent about where he is, what he does, who he meets, etc.
Read SAA and HNHN. They’re both great books and will help you a lot.

If you feel like crying, do it. There is no shame in doing it.
I was crying in the car driving my DD to day care, I was crying driving to work, I was crying at work, I was crying driving to… I was crying… One day, while I was driving, I just realized that I haven’t been crying for the past 4 days and my favorite CD was spinning in the player. I felt so much better. You can go over this. I am sure.

Have you guys considered counseling? Getting help from a professional can’t hurt.

Take care, be strong and keep posting.

Onlyfools rush in,
what you are feeling is completely understandable and expected. I am 6 months past discovering my H's PA. I have very little memory of the first 2 months anymore. It was so excruciating painful that I have blocked it out. It will get better slowly. Counseling helps, time helps, a truly remorseful husband who will do whatever it takes to make you feel better helps. Believe you can get thru this, you will!

Okay, so now I feel like an idiot for the title of my post, but I've taken your advice and changed it. Thank you everyone for your wonderful words of support. My H and I are actually in counseling now. We've both gone to see our counselor once alone and once together. We have another appt. this afternoon. The only book I have is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Is seems okay, so far, although, everytime I start reading, I go into another crying fit. One thing about them working together, there is really no way my H can look for another job right now. We live in a very small city in a very small state that basically has the economy of a third world country. I'm a stay-at-home mommy and working on my masters degree. He makes a very good living for our area, and we still barely make ends meet. I actually sent an email to the OW and suggested to her that if she had any moral values at all, she would start looking for a new job (I'm sure that had no effect on her, whatsoever). Well, thanks again.

Taking each day as they come.

Please don't feel foolish <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I only wanted to tell you so that you would get more responses.

Can your husband not find work in another state?

I know that changing jobs would be difficult, but constantly seein the OP is going to hinder recovery. You knowing that she is there with him is going to hinder your recovery as well.

I suppose it could be done, but this is a terrible battle to fight as it is. Compound that with them working together and it is going to be quite a war.

I do really hope the best for you.

Hi again. I agree with what you've said and I do wish he could change jobs because it is awful for me knowing that they are in such close proximity. He says that while they do work in the same building, they never work together. He says he has gone to great lengths to avoid her at all costs and has not seen her once since D-day. I have to try to believe that. (or else I literally think I would go crazy) Unfortunately, moving, I think, would be very difficult for me. My family lives within minutes of us and are a great support to me. Also, I have just recently begun graduate school here and would hate to give that up as I am hoping it will help with my independence and self-esteem. I was actually starting to feel my self-worth grow until D-day. Now, I just feel like a fool. A fool for not realizing what was going on, a fool for giving myself so completely to my H, and a fool for trusting him so much. I truly made the A very easy for him. What I wish I could know, what I wish someone could tell me, is how long I'm going to feel like this? I know noone can answer that, but this is horrible. I feel like I have a cancer growing inside my chest. I have a horrible weight on my chest and it hurts to breath. Every little trigger sets me off into uncontrollible sobs and/or rage. The OW has a child and I could NEVER do anything to someone's mother, but I have actually had fantasies of physically hurting her (that is just not like me, at all). I love my H and I want to work this out. I want us to be better than ever, but I am very very afraid that I am not going to be able to forgive this. It has been almost 3 wks now and I do not feel any less hurt than the day he told me.

Taking each day as they come

Hi again...I don't think anyone can tell you definately how long it will take you to work through the pain and get to where you feel human again...

Just know that 3 weeks is a very very short time and it will be quite a while longer before the emotions level out for you. The first couple of months are ******, but if your H keeps showing you that he is being true and you two work together to build a stonger foundation for your M, it will slowly start feeling better...It's great that your H confessed to you about the A, says a lot about his character and committment.

Try to focus on that and not the OW and your anger at her...I SO know about that anger as I still get waves of it at times where I actually talk to myself out loud (in the car or the shower) and vent my anger at her as if she could hear me...I mean..who the ****** did she think she was to come into MY life and make such a mess of it...I actually have more anger at her than at my H and I know that's not fair..he's just as responsible, if not more, for what happened....it's just how I feel...resentful towards him and helluva mad at her...I'm slowly feeling those thoughts coming less and less though...I read that it takes 18 - 24 months to feel normal again....sounds like a lifetime, but it does steadily get better..

Is your H's XOW married?

It's too bad that your H can't change jobs, it really was a huge turning point for me when my H quit his job and I didn't have to agonize on the days that I knew he would see her..it was only every couple of weeks or so, but it about killed me every time....I don't know how I would have reacted if I knew that he had contact (or the opportunity for contact) with her every day, that would be hard..

Did you get Surviving an Affair yet? I read everything I could get my hands on after D-day, and it really helped to put this mess into perspective for me...

Take Care and God Bless

Your post struck a personal note with my situation. I am BS of FWH who had an eight week PA with married coworker whom I too had met with in social situations prior to PA thankfully not during. The difference being that FWH ended PA abruptly with MOW at the end of December 06 recognizing the wrongness and how it would affect other people.

Unlike your situation where both parties agreed the relationship was harmful, she portrayed herself to coworkers as the betrayed, and involved boss and coworkers in the situation. After consulting with FWH who above all else did not want to hurt me, boss agreed that I shouldn't be told and would fire MOW should that happen. In hindsight it would have been better had he been the one to reveal the A.

Almost one month to the day later MOW sent copies of emails to my place of work as a means to notify me so our D-Day was 1/31/06. I too had no idea as my FWH had always presented himself to me and everyone else as a loving devoted spouse. MOW had broken things off with her husband the same day FWH ended things even though he had previously told her not to leave her husband and that he would not leave me. Needless to say she was not fired and they continued to work together. FWH has been extremely forthcoming on any contact they have shared but we put a plan into place very early on for him to leave.

Today is my FWH last day of employment and for that I am thankful as that is one less thing for me to deal with on a daily basis. I do continue to be filled with the anxiety of two things, one is that at some point I will run into this person around town, and two that she will attempt some last contact with him since it is his last day. He has assured me that he will not allow any discussion and I have to trust in that.

For a while the tears were constantly there, but now almost nine weeks later I can actually make it through a full day with no tears. We are attending church regularly, praying together daily, and seeking counseling.

FWH has taken full responsibility for his weakness and although I have attempted to share some of the blame, in that together, we allowed our relationship to drift apart in regards to SF.

"A" began on a business trip where MOW left little doubt of her interest and my FWH gave into the temptation of testing the waters. Once it started it was hard to walk away from that excitement.

I have forgiven him for the "A" just as I have been forgiven for misdeeds in my past. With that said there is still pain but as time goes on it becomes less and less.

Best of luck to you in your recovery.

Hi again. Well, I am in a really bad place right now. Three weeks after d-day and I actually thought I was starting to see the light at the end of this horrible horrible tunnel. Until today. While cleaning under my H's side of the bed (not only is he unfaithful, he's also a slob), I found an old Hallmark bag and a receipt listing a Christmas card he bought for the OW. Over the last 3 wks, I have repeatedly asked him if he ever wrote her any notes, bought her any cards or gave her anything for Christmas. He denied all of these things emphatically. When I called him to confront him about the receipt, he admitted that he had bought her a card. I am in a total and complete tailspin. I now do not believe one single word he has told me about the A and his feelings for the OW. He has said from the very beginning that he never expressed his feelings to her in words or gifts, ets. How am I supposed to believe that now? I feel like such a fool. I can't believe I was falling for all his lies. I don't know what to do now. I can't stop crying and I'm a complete mess. Please anyone, I need some help.

A set back.

Not insurmountable.

I just posted to your husband.

YOU don't have to trust him in order to give reconciliation a chance.

Things like this are to be expected.

Pep

One of my early recovery issues was money.

My H spent money during his affair and the kids and I had to cut back on certain things because it seemed the $$$ would just disappear.

One of my boundaries was H had to keep a small note book and write in all his expenditures.

One day, about 4 months after D day ... I had to borrow his car ... and I needed something to write on so I opened his glove box to discover a receipt for a very $$$ electronic item he had purchased without my knowledge ~after~ agreeing to not spend money on himself.

I was done. He was fried.

I wanted him
o u t

He returned the item ... and ate crow ... a lot of crow ... and we are 10 years recovered now ... and he's a really wonderful husband. Considerate, faithful ... but by no means perfect.

Hang in there

Pep

OFRI,

There is no need for any of us to tell you much new about lying adulterers is there?

They lie.

Sometimes because it has become second nature with them. But most of the time just to protect their sorry behinds.

That said, I think there are some diamonds in the rough in some of what your H has been telling you. For example, he claims he never stopped loving you and never intended to leave you and your children. There is likely more than a grain of truth in that. My FWW had a ten year very-long-term-affair (VLTA). She says the same thing.

Now, I don’t really believe she never once thought of running off with OM. She is blowing smoke at me when she says not. She fantasized with the best of them. But, in the final analysis I don’t think she believed she would ever have to choose. She wanted the drug of her affair to go on for ever, right along with the stability of our M.

You write you don’t understand how he could do this if he loved you as he claims. Well, that’s a harder one. The best answer I have seen is that he was only thinking of himself. He probably wasn’t thinking of you or his children at all. Love is a funny thing. People who succumb to affairs tend to lean toward love as feelings. The rest of us understand that love is a verb. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. You act love.

Here is your chance, OFRI. You can act love even when you don’t feel like it. With Plan A you can give him a real incentive to change. And change is what he needs to do. That he could do this is much more than a simple mistake. He now has to become different person. A person who would no more do this again than you would. He has to prove it to you and even to the whole world. It will take him years. I ‘m told you should give him about two years. If you don’t see significant and sustained change by then you can D him with no regrets.

Oh, I was introduced to OM among a number of other work related people at the beginning of the VLTA too. DS2 was also there. OM bent down and talked to him face to face. There is something fundamentally wrong with a person who could look a child in the eye and know they are hurting them immensely. And then not stop! I felt the same shame and embarrassment remembering this. But it passed relatively quickly. Remember, you did nothing wrong. You were in the same M and didn’t commit adultery. Any EN’s your H might have been missing probably pale in comparison to the ones you as a SAHM were missing. This is not your fault. Do not let anyone try to tell you differently.

DDays are usually squishy things. In my case disclosures went on for six months. Granted there were ten years worth of things to disclose. But she lied and obfuscated like a trooper. At one point I actually gave up and contacted an attorney.

I still do not have the entire picture. I never will. Some stuff she probably doesn’t remember. Other stuff she probably just claims not to remember. No way to sort it out in the end. You learn to live with it. I know enough for now. It would not make any sense to me even if I did know everything.

Before this gets too long, just let me close with something your H should learn asap. If you always tell the whole truth in all things you find yourself not wanting to do things you would have to lie about.

With prayers,

PS: Re the receipt under the bed. I wonder if he wanted to get caught.