Where to start with you, what to say?

We have been married for 10 years next month, together for 15.

We have 3 beautiful children, 7, almost 4 and 18months.

Life, as you can imagine is very hectic and I work as a teacher 2 days a week and teach dancing 4 days a week, so we rush past each other alot as well.

But he is my best friend, and sure, we dont have sex much - after waking up for screaming babies etc, but we laugh and talk and touch all the time.

THen - Sun 19/3 i get an sms message whilst he is out with the kids at his mums (and I was home programming) ' i wanna trial separation, wanna move in with mum, dunno what's wrong with me but just not happy juz, before you ask there is no other woman, just screwed up in my head and need to sort it out.'

So of course my life fell apart.

He got home and, crying and bawling I explained to him it was just depression (he suffers chronic pain from a bike accident 16 years ago) and has always been teh depressive sort.

So he stayed.

We went to Dr on the Monday, got some Anti' D's, made an appointment for a shrink, did all these things.

He was trying to talk to me, but just couldn't All this time family were saying 'is he having an affair and Id say 'no, not him, never'.

Then, following Sunday, i take kids out and he asked if he could just vege on the lounge playing xbox. Get home, there's a letter. 'I know this will hurt you, i love you, i love the kids, just gotta get my head sorted. Im staying with a friend ,on her (HER) lounge. there is nothing going on.You can ring me any time, you are my best friend' (and it went on further)

Well, I rang him, asked for her ph number, spoke to her, lovely girl, (HA) only 25 (DH is 37, Im just 34) no kids, from England out here on a working holiday, living in the city - bright lights etc, works with him, only known him for 6 weeks.

He didnt pull away, he came home and put kids to bed, kissed me, held me, told me he was confused.

Then - last thurs we went to the shrink, both in together for 20mins, then him alone. He came out and was holding my hand, hugging me etc etc.

That night I took our 3 year old to watch daddy play soccer - THE WOMAN WAS THERE. She sat NEXT to me. I asked her something, and oculd tell by her response something was going on so asked her outrigth how long she had been *&^&* my husband. Her response to me was 'dont know, its so good can't keep track, he was gonna leave you anyway'.

You can imagine how i was feeling, but i held it together.

DH came off at half time and gave me a kiss and said 'boy its hot out there' I said 'Ive just spoken to R and she told me...'

His face fell.

I said ' you make sure you are ohome this weekend for DD birthday (she turned 7 on sat, party was Sunday)

So - that was the gist of the last 2 weeks.

Long epic I know

But its now that is killing me.

He isn't really coming home. (he stayed all weekend, for the kids, and I know he had a good time. He had said to HER that we were 'growing apart, never talked' I said to him on the weekend 'this is growing apart, never talking, not what we had, what we had was boring routine, yes we should have done something about it, but it wasn't growing apart.'

He left again Sunday night to go back toher place. He didnt come home Monday night and my DD sobbed and sobbed. We tried to ring himm, he didnt answer. He rang me later that night and I told him what his daughter had done.

He picked the kids up last night (his Tues job) and I told him before he had a chance to go (I was out teaching dancing, he was putting them to bed). That i was going down to sleep at mum and dads and he could have hte house to himsself to sit and think and not have distractions.

I actually DID sleep (haven't eaten or slept for 2 weeks now)

Came home at 5.30am. We talked a bit. He does want to come home, he said he knows that it cant last, he says he loves me, he says he misses that we're not talking.

He says he wishes he'd never done it (but he's not stopping it is he).

This weekend I have a business trip away and he has the kids for the weekend, with his mum here (who knows).

Then Tuesday we are going to a marriage counsellor. At least he WANTS to do that.

But I am so sick, so hurt. And I am doing things that I know are probabaly turning him more away because he is comparing me to her.

I know (through text messgaes I found) that she has been giving him VERY kinky sex, and even though he says its not just the sex, i feel that is one of the major issues here.

So, when i get home at 5.30this morn, I climb into bed (becausea i wanted the kids to see us in bed together when they got up) and then I tried to kiss him and 'make' thing happen - STUPID STUPID STUPID me. All the time knowing Im looking needy and wanting but all because I AM NEEDING HIM.

I am so upset and confused and SICK.

Added to all of this we are supposed to be leaving for Europe on the 9th June for 6 weeks. And I am so worreid abou that now. I dont want to go as a farce of a family. But I do see that if things are improving that it could be the BEST thing we could do.

Oh god - I am just so flat.

I just posted my story as well and I am so sorry for you. Many of the details are different, but I had been thinking my H was depressed before I found out as well. Turns out I was right and there was a reason. Hang in there. I pray all turns out well for you. I also have 3 small DC. (DD 5-1/2, DS 4, DS 2-1/2)

Both of you can recover your marriages but it will take a lot of work. I suggest you read WAT's thread on this forum for newly betrayed spouses as a start. Then move your threads (start new threads) in the General Questions II forum. Few of the pros who are on MB to help marriages dealing with infidelity come to this forum. Go to GQ II and you'll be able to get their attention and assistance.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I totally relate, I also tried to seduce my ex when he had one foot out the door. Looking back at that I was so humilated but at the time it seemed like something I needed to do.

so is she just here for the summer?

iam a teacher too! just strated my own school and have two kids. My husband has been depressed for a year after finding out that his knee and heart were damaged- vowed secretly to himself that he needed to live life to the fullest- in walks pretty young mom with child who tells him that she needs it because her husband can't give it to her well enough and he has @#$@ with her twice and an emotional affair for two months before I found out. I wish I were in your place again- I would read Dr. Harley's how to survive an affair and begin to work through it. Try not to do any love busting and meet all of his needs. I am not religious, but when I intitally found out- I cut out this quote from the Pope- "Love is the gift of self. It means emptying ineself to reach out to others. In a certain sense it means forgetting oneslf for the good of others." What I took from this was that I was not meeting my husbands need for love and that I needed to reach out and show him how i felt- show him not tell him. Then he would understand that I cared and begin to love back. When you read Dr. Harley's book, it says that it is common for the WS (wayward spouse) to love you both. Right now you husband needs both you and her. If you start meeting his needs, then he will respond. Also take advise from me- try not to love bust at all costs! I am three months down the road and have been LBing- it is hard not to!!! But I wish that I would have known what I was doing then. I truly love my husband and hope that I can finally make him happy. Good luck