19..what's up?

Why don't you tell the OM that you know that he is having an A with your W and if he doesn't tell his W (give a time frame)then you are going to. That way, she can here it from him (which is better) and if he doesn't then you will have no choice and it will be easier on your conscience. Just a thought..

beauty, the reason he can't do that is because the OM is not going to bust himself. If he is forced to tell her anything, he will spin the story and his W will never get the truth. It is better to come from a reliable source than a liar. This won't be hard his on conscience because it is the right thing to do; it would be hard on his conscience if he DIDN'T. It is still a HARD thing to do, though.

t/j oh beauty, I just read your post. My heart goes out to you! What a nightmare! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I haven't done it yet (embarrased to say) - schedule has been very bad at work - that's my excuse and partially true - but I am sort of reconsidering too -

I am still concerned about doing it when she keeps telling me there has been no contact since Feb 20. I just got the phone records I was waiting for and there is nothing there - which I guess is good.

I still feel like she is up to something and it is still driving me crazy. I am still tentatively planning to see OMW Monday morning.

I am sort of back to just not knowing what to do. On the other hand, I can't live like this. I love my kids more than anything and I can't stand the thought of not living with them all the time - that's what keeping me in this for now.

I give up.

I don't blame you - I probably would too if I were you.

You are right ML..I never thought of that. I guess he would try to make 193296 look like he is crazy. But at least it might have put a seed in her head and maybe she would want to talk to 193296 and he could provide her proof. Then 193296 might not feel so bad about exposing..

193296, if I were the OMW I would want to know. Please reconsider and tell her or somehow have her find out, if you do not feel comfortable doing it. The only way to end this party is to expose it..Otherwise you are going to go crazy. It's better to get it over with now, then drag it on..You say it may be over, but it won't be. WW and OM still have it secret and they can keep it going anytime they want. Good Luck

19..Are you still around? How are you doing?

this_hrts - Yes, I am still around.

I have not exposed yet - I am embarrased to admit it - but it's true. I am sort of paralyzed into inaction right now. Even after a couple of months, I just can't believe all this is happening.

I still just really don't know if exposing is the right thing to do in my situation. I guess I should have done it last week when I was ready. I know that just about everyone disagrees, but I think it might push her over the edge and want a D.

She is staying on the offensive pretty well. Reminds me how bad it's been for the past 15 years and she may never be able to get over it etc. I generally tell her I know that and I may not either. (I do think she's remembering it as much worse than it really was, but it was bad). She minimizes what she did and even had the nerve earlier this week to tell me I was "controlling" because I wouldn't let her go to small group meeting where OM will be and where this all started.

I am doing OK in general. Don't like my W most of the time now and I don't think she likes me either. I really could not care less except for my kids.

What about you this_hrts, how are you doing?

19,

When accused of being "controlling" it may be nice to flip the table around by indicating that a boundary is merely a term you utilize to describe those things that you will allow another person to do to you...her attempt to bend and alter your boundaries ARE in themselves HER attempt to "control" you. SHE is the one attempting to be "controlling".

She's a big girl and can go to those meetings despite your boundaries, in fact, you can't physically stop her from walking out that door right this second. However, you are and will always be in control of what is and is not acceptable to you.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Expose already

p.p.s. - Do it TODAY

Mr. W - Thanks. I actually did tell her something like that - actually because of stuff I learned on this site - ultimatums vs. boundaries - it may have even been from you, I don't recall. I did tell her it was a boundary and there are boundaries that simply come with M and that's one for her now. Next time I will use the "only let people do certain things to me..."

Anyway, don't think I take any crap from her in that regard either - or any regard. If I gave that impression, then it was wrong. While I am pretty unhappy in general right now with her, about her etc. - I don't mope around and when she says stupid things like that, I don't just agree and take it - I dish it right back out. I may be "moping" when I write on here and maybe even in my head, but not around her. I won't give her the pleasure of seeing that.

Thanks.

Glad you're still here 19, I know you are having a hard time deciding to expose, I do wish you would just do it. I'm afraid the longer you wait, the more your resentment towards your W is going to build. It sounds like she is still pretty foggy..rewriting history, blaming you for all her woes and not taking ownership of her EA.. I worry about her even suggesting attending that meeting too and happy to hear you didn't let her cross that boundary. Have you found anything else that makes you suspicious of continued contact?

I'm doing ok I suppose, it's gets a little better every day and H is doing all he can to help me feel safe..for the moment...

I still think about it all every day though and I long for the day when it's not the first thought in my head when I wake...it's a little depressing to remember that I was told it usually takes a year or more to get to that point though...seems like forever already.

Hang in there 19 and please don't give up on the idea of exposure, I would really hate to see you devastated by the discovery of continued contact (and I do hope she's being truthful about that with you)

Let me piggyback on something This said. Exposure is the strongest tool you have to bust this affair up. The thing is, you need to use it before your resentment and frustration build higher. It needs to be a tool you use in a calm, calculated manner. If you wait, it'll be a spiteful act to get back at the WW and it won't have nearly the same effect on the affair.

19,

Please expose as soon as you can. I didn't, I thought it was too late after the fact as I discovered MB 4 mo. after d-day. I was also afraid of what it would do for recovery. I can tell you what it does when you don't, it eats at you. WH's are so sneaky that you can't be sure it has ended. You need an ali (OMW) in stopping the A. You are not responsible for hurting OMW or causing problems in their marriage, you are just bringing them to light. I was also concerned about OW convincing her H that I was crazy, now I have more self-esteem. Even if the OM convinces his wife of this, it is outside of your control. The only thing you can do is try to help OMW make informed decisions. It shouldn't all be about you and what good or bad effect it may have on your M. I too was concerned with my WH's reaction, every time I bring it up (last time was Nov. 2005) he reacts poorly, thinks I am doing it for revenge. He also doesn't want the OW to call him and he is certain she would if I did this at this point. I sometimes think this is a not so veiled attempt to manipulate me to do what he wants. It also makes me wonder about any continued contact. The last month or so I have thought of a voice-activated recorder in his car. See what I mean? You are always left wondering about the NC. There isn't any gurantees that exposure would equal NC, but doing nothing definitely does not gurantee it.

Do it today, quite analzing this and don't allow yourself time to obsess about it, like the Nike commercial says, just do it!

Thanks.

this_hurts - I think about it a lot too - obsessively probably. I also long for the day before all this happened. I really hope it only takes a year - some things I read say longer than that. I am still in disbelief that it did happen - is that true for you too?

Maybe it is fog for her - sort of sounds like it. She actually does blame me for all her woes. I tell her that I admit I am part of it, maybe even a big part, but I am not all of it.

Mine is better sometimes too - but it takes almost nothing to get me back down. Are you like that too?

I have no further evidence of contact, but I just don't believe her. All I really have is the "not behaving perfectly" phone comment.

I have not given up on exposure at all.

Longhorn - I am sure you are right. I'm already at that point, however. I think I was at that point before I even considered exposure. I am still pretty calm and calculating - but that's my nature in general. But I am resentful. One reason I want to expose is I do think that would make her realize what a big deal it is - she's friends with OMW - not best friends, but friends. I actually think that would be funny to see. Probably make her change her tone when she tells her friends about it too - wouldn't be some little game anymore, but real life crap.

nabohio - I am exactly where you describe. Worried about what it will do to recovery. It's especially worrisome based on some of the things she has said about how unhappy she has been for the past 15 years. Of course, she either didn't tell me about this clearly enough or I didn't hear her until her EA. Makes me wonder a lot about the coincidence of that ....

And it is eating me up not believing there is NC. She doesn't even have to be that sneaky - she doesn't work and has literally all day to do whatever she wants (8:00 - 2:30). Other than not using the home phone and her cell, she can do whatever she wants and I'd never know. She has used public phones to call OM before.

Thanks.

19, do you realize the horrible cruelty in that behavior? Your W is the OMW's enemy but no one will tell her.There is nothing meaner than to befriend a woman while having an affair with her H.

You must put a stop to this cruelty, 19. How would you like it if your close male friend were getting it on with your W but no one had the decency to tell you?

She will blame you for not telling her so she could protect herself from your W.



And the odds are greatly increased that she sees him as long as you help them keep this a secret. You are keeping their secret at your own expense.

ML - Thanks. I thought you said you had given up????

I do realize the cruelty. In all honesty, I don't know whether you are right about anything else (no one really can know until it happens), but I do know you are right about that. I feel pretty guilty about not telling her. Some people say that people don't want to know, but I don't buy that at all.

Interestingly, I didn't even really consider telling OMW until I started spending time on this site a few weeks ago - so for the first 4 weeks or so after dday, I never really thought about it. I sort of feel guilty about that too.

I know the OMW too. Not as well as my W does, but I know her. She actually came to my house a few weeks ago to pick up her kid - this was before I ever thought about exposure. I could have easily told her then (W was gone). I wish I had.

19,

I too had anger issues and felt a lot of guilt. In my sitch, I began "seeing the light" in parellel to his A really heating up. The first change I made was to stop the behavior and do what is called "Plan A" here. I think that this is almost second nature to BS's to do automatically. My anger turned inward and I became depressed. I finally got enough nerve up to face my problems and went to counseling. It took a lot of work on my part, introspection and talk therapy to get at the root cause. Then you need to learn new behaviors and reactions, that is where I am currently. My WH said all the same things to me, it took my having an A for you to change, I don't believe that it will last, I can't trust you, you only behave differently to get me to stay, etc... Many times it is to deflect their own guilt and attention away from their actions, and to justify them. I too wish my WH would have talked to me about our M rather than discuss it with a third party. In an e-mail I read from her she said "I can't believe you are with her after saying all of those horrible things about her". Now, I am willing to take responsibility for wrong behavior, but pleaze, I in no way deserved to be spoken so disrespectfully about. I realized, after much hurt and pain, that WH said those things to justify what he wanted to do, have an A, and to make himself look like a sympathetic figure. I concluded that they were both pathetic and had low self-esteem and had to put me down to feel better about what they were doing. So, I advise that you don't allow your WW to twist your wrong behavior as justification. She also had the responsibility to tell you what affect your behavior had on her. She had the responsibility to work with you to make a better M. When the vows say for "better or worse" it doesn't say, when there is trouble, keep it in and resent the other person and start something with someone else!

nabohio - That is similar to me - I sort of saw the light when I realized what was going on and I changed quickly too. Not just because I wanted her to stay, but because I realized how I had been acting and what it had led too.

I don't deny what I did - I wasn't very nice at all and I can see how it left her open to do what she did - that's not a justification by the way - just an explanation. I see how it happens - and I see how it could happen to anyone. He made her feel like I didn't.

I am not sure what they said about me - but I am sure there were some not nice things. I heard some stuff on a call, but it wasn't any big deal. I sort of care and I sort of don't. Maybe a guy thing. It actually bugs me more when she talks bad about me to her friends - I like them, I don't like OM.

My W actually had several golden opportunities to tell me the gravity of her feelings before the EA - we were in MC before and she never said it clearly enough.

My W also worries that my actions/changes are not permanent - I think she is wrong, but who knows?

I am also going to IC right now - been twice. Not real helpful so far, but not long enough to tell. I am glad to hear that it has helped you.

While maybe I am just trying to protect myself, but I really don't like W anymore. If I didn't have young kids, I'd probably just bag it. May be a little overkill to kill a 18 year M for a 3 week EA, but it really affects how I feel about her and I am not sure that will ever change - do you feel like that sometimes?