WAT - I agree with you and that would be the truth. Thanks.

Yes says the woman with 2 OC.

And coming from a woman - EAs are just as hurtful imo.

Affairs of any kind hoover big time.

Like I said, I knew the answer. I'd want the same and even to me, a man, EA's are just as bad. Just the first step to a PA, I think.

What's an OC?

Other child.

Wow it is amazing how we are all going through the same thing. I am in the exact situation, I am worried about exposure too. Have you told anyone? I hae and for me it brought much guilt, but i did't tell H who I told. H says i am telling everyone for pity. I hate how they make you feel guilty.

I agree with your idea of pushing them over the edge to D. Sometimes i feel that is the only reason he is holding on. If no one knows than he can hide from his actions. If everyone finds out then he may decide to go (why not he doesn't have to hide anymore). I feel emotional detached most of the time too! this scares me. Let's hope some others can post some answers to help us out. Seems funny we posted that same thought 2 minutes apart.

GOOD LUCK!

cfc - it is amazing that there are so many people in very similar situations.

In my case, I have told 2 friends (guys) and an IC that I have now. W has told 6 friends (women) and together we have told MC and church rector (her EA resulted from a church activity so we had to tell him so she could get out of it - which I made her do). I didn't really want her to tell all those friends, but I didn't ask her not to. Seems 2 or 3 would have been enough. Unless she is holding out, we both know who we have told.

In my case, I am only worried that exposing to OMW would push her over the edge because she appears to already be so angry with me due to my behavior over the past 15 years (which I admit is largely true) and the fact that she considers her EA to be no big deal - since it was not a PA. Also, we get along OK right now and have been to a lot of MC - so, I think she is trying. I know I am.

I worry exposure to OMW could disrupt all that - especially since I have no evidence there is still contact.

On the other hand, I am very suspicious that there has been contact and I do feel some obligation to tell OMW - I know her.

Of course, I have been saying all that for a pretty long time now and I have not done it.

I am emotionally detached at times too - most of the time even. If I didn't have 3 kids, I might punt.

In your case, is there no NC?

Did you see the plan A letter on Good Father's thread? I think expose and then WHAMO give her a letter like that.

She might hang onto the "vindictive" line for awhile....but she can't refute that your intentions weren't in the right place after a love letter like that one (well, she could and probably will, but it won't smack a bit of logic).

19 - please read Good Father's thread. The relevant part starts around page 37 or so.

This is an example of what happens when you lose the initiative in this kind of fight. This is where you could be headed if you don't expose NOW.

19-

She may be going to MC with you...things may have calmed down some around you...but trust someone who's been there, all of this simply adds up to misdirection.

You will hear it from almost everyone...MC is useless if she's still in contact, or still in the affair. The most likely scenario at this point is that she's 'trying' by going to MC and by calming things down...for two reasons. One is to ease the attention on her affair...so that it can continue unabated. She knows you suspect...so of course she's going to do everything she can to remove your suspiscion...NOT to end the affair. And...if/when she DOES decide to leave, she can look at everyone in the eye and say "But see, I TRIED! I went to MC, I TRIED to be a good little girle, but it didn't work out!".

Unless you take active steps to end contact and the affair, you're not going to be moving any closer to recovery, IMHVO. Exposure is intended to end the affair..and to prevent a recurrence. You need to expose to OMW IMMEDIATELY, with these two goals in mind. You still suspect contact...IMHO, grounds enough for exposure. If nothing else, you can tell your wife that you thought about the whole thing and could not in good conscience NOT tell his wife about what went on...that SHE needed to know just as much as you did. So SHE could decide what needs to happen in her marriage based on all of this.

QUIT STALLING...QUIT FINDING EXCUSES...QUIT PUTTING IT OFF...AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Personally, I can't see any possible use of anyone posting on this thread until that happens...because if you don't do SOMETHING, then NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

It's all up to you...

Believe it or not (and I am sure most of you don't - ML???) - I am going to see OMW right now -

not sure I will be able to actually see her, but I know she is there and I am going -

I'll report back in a couple of hours -

Please give me some positive thoughts and support .....

Flare prayer sent up!

- Kimmy

Awesome....

Prayers to you and your family right now.

Mr. W

Thanks. I did it. Took 4 hours, but I am back now and headed to meeting.

Don't know if it was right thing to do or not, but right now I feel much better - pumped actually. I feel like I just took control of the situation. That's not true of course, and that may cost me my marriage, but it's a good feeling while it lasts. Wish I had a beer or 10.

We looked at cell records (in OWM's name) and there has only been 1 call I didn't know about. It was on March 2.

Of course, she has lied to me repeatedly when asked if any calls since Feb 20.

W doesn't know and will not until OMW talks to OM which will be later in the week or even weekend since he's out of town.

I'll be back later.

P.S. ML - You can't accuse me of being a wimpy guy anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

P.P.S. - If anyone cares, the final straw was when W hugged OMW at church yesterday - on Easter..... I couldn't take that.

So what did OMW know?

What was her reaction? What did she indicate she would do with your information?

Did you make plans to stay in touch with her?

WAT

Well, I am glad to eat crow on this one! Congratulations, you are no longer a SERF, but a KNIGHT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Great job!

Did you and the OMW discuss changing churches? You do see that this won't work, right?

Just batten down the hatches and prepare for all ****** to break loose. When she lights into you, simply say: "I am sorry you are upset, but I will do what it takes to save our marriage. The OMW had every right to know."

Don't let her bait you into a fight and DON'T let her scare you with threats. They all make threats, but it will blow over.

GOOD JOB, MY FRIEND!

She knew nothing. She knew they were good friends (as did I) - she actually probably knew a little more about that than I did since she had a better idea of what they talked about etc.

Her reaction was shock, I guess, but she controlled herself very well. I told her what I knew, we listened to tapes, checked some records and then discussed it all. She didn't break down or anything, but she was not happy about it. So, overall, I think she took it very well. She's a very nice lady and it is the second time this has happened to her (other was previous husband years ago).

She is going to do some more snooping and then discuss with OM later in the week or this weekend. One of them will be out of town until then,

We are staying in touch. We'll talk later this week and then she is going to tell me ASAP when she discusses with OM - I guess I'll tell W then - haven't decided.

Don't quite know how to deal with the fact that is does appear there has been NC since 3/2/06 - at least none that I can detect.

ML - We discussed church some - she recognized the awkwardness of it - we didn't get to details. I do think she was genuinely surprised. She took it very well, but obviously, she didn't like it. I am sure we'll discuss that later and I hoping they will leave - I have been going there much longer than anyone involved ....

I am trying not to worry about threats W will make etc. - I am little since it does appear there was no contact since 3/2 - but I have 2 new lies (at least) - she said there was NC since Feb 20 (that's lie 1) and she said she didn't call him on 2/14 (v-day) - she did (that's lie 2). So, she can take her threats and ....... at least I have 2 lies to call her on.

She did have the right to know and said she wanted to know. Said she was not mad at my delay in telling her. Hope she meant it.

Back later.

Thanks.

P.S. no crow to eat - thanks

That is good. But there is nothing to deal with there. Except, of course, changing churches! Don't be so sure that contact has ended since 3-2, they may have found another way. Even so, the OMW still had to be told. Just don't let your guard down.

19, you did the RIGHT THING in telling the OMW regardless of current contact. She still had to know. You don't have a thing to feel guilty about.

But when this explodes, I would draw a boundary on something VERY IMPORTANT. And that is TRUE NO CONTACT. She can never see him again and that means they don't go to the same church and that means your children don't play with his. In order for her to withdraw and for you to recover any trust, ALL CONTACT must end between your families. It is sad that your children have to pay this price, but that is the consequence of an affair. Unfortunately, the WHOLE FAMILY has to pay the price.

Good job...19

Just wanted to add...when you do have the confrontation over what you've done, ask her only once if she'd like to share some more truths with you. If she continues denying the truth then state the facts (the lies) matter of factly like you did above. If you are fortunate and she opens up you may be able to get the truth and then some. Take a one time shot at getting ALL the truth. It could be productive if she spills everything, just unlikely now.

It is very tempting to overly question her and MAKE her continue her lies. The temptation being that you HOPE she will tell you the truth and somehow that will make you feel better. Again, it is highly unlikely. She may, seeing as you have new information; however, they usually stick to their lies and withhold the truth for fear of divulging more than you really know. It is brutal to make them squirm and you should be careful as a BS from taking pleasure in inflicting pain. Don't. Just state what you know. It is enough. Full honesty usually comes later in recovery.

Again, you were courageous today. Way to man-up.

Mr. Wondering