19, have something like this prepared that you can say over and over again because REASON will be of no avail:

"I am sorry you are upset, but I will do what it takes to save our marriage. The OMW had every right to know."

Just keep stating this to her. Don't try to reason, explain, justify, etc; it will do you no good. No matter what you say, she will be unhappy that you busted her.

I think you will be very surprised to see your W begin to go through withdrawal. I know you don't think this will happen, but I suspect the reason you think this is because she has minimized the affair in an effort to divert your attention. I am going to wager that she has the typical ADDICTION that every other WS has.



I would decide what you want to happen here and make it happen, 19.You can't relegate this duty to others. You are the father and the head of your household. This should not be left to the OMW or your W to handle. They are your children and you have to handle this.

Sure, they see each other at school, but the relationship beyond school has to end. Surely you can see that? You can't put yourself in a position of having to drop off and pick up your children at his house. That will not do because all contact has to end with these people. So decide how that will be handled and take those steps. It is up to you, after all.

ML - I hope you are wrong about the addiction thing - but you may be right. I don't know. I do think you are right about why I think what I think - because she has minimized it. However, I really don't think it was to divert attention, but rather because it simply blew over pretty fast. I am not sure it was ever that involved.

Now, I may be totally wrong about that and I am concerned I am wrong. That's one reason I went ahead and told OMW. If it's not over, and if it was a bigger deal, I am going to do what I can to end it ASAP.

I really don't know what to do about kids. They don't really do that much outside of school.

I really hope that after OMW talks to OM that they will leave the church. We'll see.

I also really hope OM doesn't convince OMW that it was no big deal - I need her to be my ally. Having been through this before, you'd think she would be on guard, wouldn't you? I have not talked to her today, but we have emailed several times with info and questions. She definitely wants to know what is going on.

Thanks.

Good for you 19..I knew you would step up and do what you needed to do sooner rather than later...now you can concentrate on recovering your M, if that's what you want.

I personally found it very encouraging that the last contact evident from OM's cell records was March 2..it very well may be true that the EA was 'nipped in the bud' and didn't progress far enough to make it a 'big deal' in your WW's mind. That's a good thing IMHO..

Maybe you should just ride it out and not tell WW at all that you contacted the OM's wife and see if he even tells her that you did..if you hear nothing from WW about it, well then that just confirms more clearly that contact really has ended and that may ease your mind a bit...if she does confront you about it, then you'll know there is another avenue of contact between them..

For my whole life I was always big on 'trusting your gut', still am....but I think once we find out about the things our spouses are capable of, sometimes our 'gut' can jump the gun a little..I"m not saying you should trust her completely, just don't jump to conclusions too soon....if you decide recovering your marriage is what you want to do, you will eventually have to trust that your wife is wanting the same thing, rehashing the past and the terrible hurt she brought upon you is not going to help you overcome the resentment you feel, and I think overcoming that resentment is key in recovery (after affirming that the EA is over of course)..you have taken a HUGE step in making sure it is, and I'm very proud of you for doing that and I think you have a great chance at recovering your marriage from here on out if that's what you decide you want..

God Bless...

193296,

I admire your strengh and feel very happy for you that it seams you're really taking the right steps into recovery.

As for the kids in this situation, tell them about depends on their age.
They will feel that some distance is happening if parents don't talk as much as they used to.
If they are friends at school I believe they should continue friends, just avoid any contact outside school, and you said not much right?

Invite some other kids to play in your house and keep them close to other kids so they wont be best friends with OM kids. Just an idea, again only possible depending on ages.

All the best for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

this_hurts - Thanks. It is nice to hear from you.

I have thought about not telling W at all that I told OMW. In fact, I think there are several other posters who suggest that too.

I am not sure what to do - one reason I want to tell her is that I want to get give her the chance to fess up and maybe tell me something I don't know. This may be the only chance I have for that. I also want to tell her I know she lied and continues to lie when she tells me there has been NC since Feb 21. Maybe it was only once, but it was still a lie.

So I don't know. She will be royally pissed at me when she finds out. Largely, she will be extremely embarrased since she is friends with OMW - in fact, last night she told me she "loves OMW". Sure has a funny way of showing it.

This morning we saw MC and W says it annoys her when I turn around in church and give OM the "evil eye". I do do that and I enjoy it. He won't look at me. Better than hitting him, don't you think?

Anyway, I am going to talk to OMW on Friday before she talks to OM Friday night and I guess make a plan then.

I do worry that W will consider it a big LB - she said this morning that she thinks I took the best years of her life over the past 15 years when I treated her badly.

Of course she doesn't acknowledge everything else that has happened over those same years - stressful things - it's called reality - jobs, 3 kids, houses etc. The end of school - real life. Enough to drive anyone crazy - especially a stay home mom who had a kid with her everyday for 10 years - and a H who should have been much nicer.

Anyway, I acknowledge my role in her unhappiness, but I don't think I am the sole cause and it gets frustrating.

So what is going on with you this_hurts? You don't post much do you?

I hope you are doing OK.

lost - thanks. I wish I was as strong as you seem to think I am - maybe I am and just don't know it? I can only hope.

I also hope I am on the road to recovery, but I don't really feel like it.

Telling OMW defintely made me feel better and made me feel more in control - but, I may not feel that way at all after OMW tells OM and/or W finds out.

I have all kinds of thoughts about what could happen - such as: OM gets pissed and tries to really go after my W to get back at me. I think she has been more the pursuer and he actually backed off back in February. If he pursued, she might respond. But that's OK if it happens.

We'll figure something out for the kids.

So what's happening with you lost? I hope you are OK.

Thanks.

19-

I'm in a similar situaiton with respet to treating my wife poorly - past 1-2 yrs - and feeling very bad about it. I can see in your posts how sorrowfull and remorseful you are for not putting your wife and marriage first. I did exactly the same thing. Now, faced with losing my marriage, I suddenly understand how important it is to me and how I've neglected it. Neglected her.

My wife sounds like yours. She's angry at me becuase it took an affair to wake me up. She resents that NOW I'm ready to participate in the marriage after all this time.

So just like you I acknowledge her unhappiness. And I too am frustrated because I don't feel like it's all my fault. Though that's the picture she's painting. When I talk to her I feel like I'm the one that had the affiar! It's VERY frustrating and I can't wait for her to get to the point where she takes owership for the affair as well as responsibility for her own happiness. We BOTH have to own up to our mistakes.

Anyway just wanted to say that I'm with you.

Side note- someone said that GoodFather had a really good Plan A letter? I looked that the linked thread and could not find it. Can anyone help?

Congratulations on exposing the affair and talking to the OM's wife. When your wife finds out, she will most likely be furious, so prepare for that. They usually say that this is the last straw, they were going to work on the marriage, but now are done, it was none of the OM's wife's business, you went about this all the wrong way, it is none of your business, you are crazy, and my personal favorite - they will never trust you again.

Believer - Thanks. We'll see what happens, but I have a feeling all he11 is going to break loose. I'm ready for it. She may very well say it was the last straw .... she is already pissed at me right now .... wait til she hears this!

Of course it is made much worse by the fact that she considers OMW to be a friend - in fact, she said last "I love OMW" - I really wanted to tell her then, but I didn't.

MDC - Seems to be quite a few of us on here who have treated our W's poorly. Also, seems a lot of us didn't really know how bad til they had an A (EA in my case). The good news for you is that it was only a year or 2 - mine was more like 10-15.

My W also resents that I want to change now and actually have changed successfully - she admits I have changed. She resents how easy it was for me to change after doing it for so long. My only real response is that it was not really intentional, but more of a habit. Once I realized what I was doing, it wasn't that hard to break. I didn't want to be like that. That is not an excuse, by the way, just an explanation. There is no excuse for how I acted.

Like you, I also don't feel that I am the total cause of all her misery. In a way I wonder if she needs to be away from me for awhile to see that. Her life would be very different - she's a stay at home mom - that would be over. I don't think she appreciates that fact at all or the fact that I enable that lifestyle. I guess that is sort of beside the point and maybe a little petty. My point is (and I have made this to her) I am not the sole cause of her problems and there is some good there too - she doesn't acknowledge it -

Some on here say that is the "fog" - not sure I believe that, but maybe it is - W never mentioned this (at least not the gravity of it) until her EA - coincidence? I don't know.

Batten down the hatches and expect all H to break loose. That is what usually happens. Just tell her that you will do what it takes to save your marriage and protect your family.

The OM will probably tell his wife that it was "nothing", and try to blame your wife, or even you for overreacting. But don't let that bother you. His wife will be on high alert.

Usually the OM will end the affair to prevent problems at home. That is what I would guess. If that happens, then your wife will be very sad and angry at you.

Tons of people here have gone through this and come out with a better marriage, so have confidence it will work for you too.

Believer - I actually really do believe that it is already over. I think it was a few weeks ago.

I am very concerned that OM will be able to convince OMW that it was "nothing".

Please tell me what you think based on this (anyone, please):

- it was "only" an EA - they did hold hands once and he "kissed" her - on the cheek she says - who really knows

- it lasted 4 weeks and was all phone calls except one night at a retreat (where it started), met for coffee once and talked in carpool line once

- once OM knew I knew, he backed off (as far as I know) - the best evidence I have of the EA is a taped phone call of W telling OM that I had cell records and knew something was up. OM told W she needed to work on M and he was going to stop calling - or that if they talked it should be different - just as friends - not as long and not about same subjects - W was very upset about it (crying) said she wanted to keep talking to him - OM said he was "going to make his crush on W go away..." -it was obvious he had feelings, but he backed off - OMW has listened to that call with me. Personally, I think he backed off because he realized at that point it wasn't a little game anymore.

- I have one other call a few weeks later which was pretty much nothing except W told OM that I might tell OMW - OM said "that would not be a smart move, but it can be dealt with too. He'll just have to follow his conscience on that one..."

- After I found out, almost all the calls have been from W to OM on public phones - he really hasn't called her. So he could pretty easily make her out to be the pursuer etc. - it may even be true to a certain extent. Of course if OM says that to OMW and W finds out, she may end up hating him.

- finally, last phone call appears to have been 3/2.

Other than cell phone records that's all I have except what W told me.

One other thing: OMW's previous H cheated on her too - total PA with an OC etc. So she has been through it before.

I know you don't know her, and I know you haven't heard the calls, but how would you react if you were OMW?

She will be on full alert. He can spin this any way he wants to, but it won't fool her for long.

It is hard to say if the EA is over or not, but you did the most important thing to end it. Be glad about that. Almost always, the OM completely abandons the affair partner to take care of his marriage.

Your wife will probably not realize that the OM has been using her, and will defend him, even as he drops her.

....and THEN she may end up despising him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And THEN the Knight in Shining Armor rescues her!

TA DA!!!

Don't you just LOVE happy endings!

(The hard part in getting thru all those chapters BEFORE the ending.)

WAT

Believer and WAT - I hope you are both right - I really don't think she'll end up despising him, but I hope so.

One problem with that is that they have been very good friends for the past 2 years. I know the EA wasn't going on that long, but they have been good friends. Probably better than I knew until I talked to OMW.

OM has already laid groundwork to make me look like a jealous H. Told OMW that I made W get out of small church group where this started because I was uncomfortable with relationhip between W and OM. He also told OMW that W didn't want to go home from retreat because I would "grill" her about what happened etc.

Of course, OMW has seen and heard everything that I have and she told me she didn't blame me for making W quit the group. Also, helped that I could tell her that rector of church knew and agreed with decision too.

OM is a pretty smooth talker, however. Of course, I have the tapes so OMW can hear what he says to others .....

19,

""- it was "only" an EA - they did hold hands once and he "kissed" her - on the cheek she says - who really knows

- it lasted 4 weeks and was all phone calls except one night at a retreat (where it started), met for coffee once and talked in carpool line once""

Like the husband drunkenly tells his wife, honey I only had 2 beers!.... when he had actually downed a 12 pack.

Just saying don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

I still think you should wait to tell your W. I think it will seem more like a revenge thing and more hurtful if you look her straight in the eye and tell her.

Wait until she tells you what you did...if OM tells your W.

If OMW rakes OM over the coals and he DOES NOT contact your W..<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />...then maybe it IS over and it was only a peck on the cheek and holding hands.

If he does contact your W then we can assume it was more than that. Specially if OMW insists on no contact.

Am I making this more complicated?

k

19, please suggest to OMW that she come here for support also. If OM is going to try to whitewash the whole affair, she may need a place of refuge. Also, you and she might be interested in a book by Shirley Glass, Ph.D., entitled Not "Just Friends". The content is self explanatory.

krusht - You sound like someone who has had 12 and claimed 2. I've never been that bold - I could try 8-9 and claim 2, but not 12.

I have little doubt that OM will contact her once OMW tells her. I think he'll do it even if she insists on NC. I think he'll have to so they can see if they said the same thing and just see what's happened. He'll also want to rant and rave since he'll be pissed at me.

I think they actually both consider themselves to be friends still - who just can't talk because of a jealous nutcase husband who ruined a little game they were playing before they could screw each other.

It's not really hard to do either - he'll go to work and call her. OMW and I may never know. I'll know if he calls her because I am snooping, but not if she doesn't answer her cell phone and then goes to her favorite public phone - which is what she'll probably do.

So I am still inclined to tell her myself - in a very nice way that won't seem vengeful at all.

She sees OMW from time to time (they are friends) and even though she was telling OM stuff about what I knew and I was in the dark, I really don't want her to be in the dark as far as what OMW knows.

Plus, I really want the chance to try to make W fess up and tell me stuff I don't know. Telling her is the only chance I have at that.

19, it is not a lovebuster to expose her to her victim. A lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

See? Exposing your W is NOT a lovebuster at all. She won't like it, but that is ok. She will get over it. And sort the fact from the fiction when she complains about how badly you have treated her. WS' typically rewrite history by demonizing the BS in order to rationalize their affair. Funny, she would rather focus on how badly YOU have treated her instead of the abuse she has heaped on you. It's always easier to look at others, though, when you have a guilty conscience. Please just recognize it for what it really is.

Whether or not you decide to tell her that OMW has been told, it is important that she DOES KNOW she has been busted. Exposure is not much use if the WS doesn't know. I think you have good reason to tell her yourself, but I also like the idea of her finding out from OM.


This is a lie.

ML - Thanks. I am glad to hear from you.

Anyway, been listening to my recorder tonight - I am more convinced than ever that there has been contact -

Heard a call that was today - with a friend who said she was "talking in code" just in case - said "did you have a morning meeting today" W said "Yes, why are you talking in code, I met with MC today..." "haven't you had some other morning meetings?" "no, I haven't...." OM is out of town this week per OMW and W is not stupid - she worries about the recorder.

There you go - please tell me if I am imagining things, but I think they have shifted to in person meetings? What do you think? They didn't meet this morning, because we did meet with MC.

Anyway, there you have it. I will be sure to let OMW know ASAP.

I am glad I told her. Thank you for helping me do it.

Thanks.

Let me ask you something. Would it be worthwhile to not say anything and instead follow them for a morning when you both think they could be meeting? If he has been out of town all week, they would be anxious to meet when he gets back. When does he get back?

I am glad you told her too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />