Maybe - I think he actually got back today. She was with me from 8-10 and then with IC 10-11. Then she was on the phone - she didn't see him today. Tomorrow we'll be at DS school first thing. I may try to follow her after that.

I don't think it is as bad as it sounds, but it's worse than I thought - or it may be. I don't know.

OMW is out of town right now - that's why she can't tell him til this weekend.

If she is meeting with him, we'll probably end up divorced. I am not sure I can take that. I am at the end of the rope.

19,
I'm sorry to hear the new developments...I think you are very right to be alarmed by the 'code talk' between your W and her friend...I really am sorry..

That said, I think you should take the first chance you get to follow her and see if she goes to OM..the perfect time to have them off guard before OMW confronts him, I really do pray that you find nothing going on here...it's sad to me to watch so many lives reduced to spying and suspicion and hurt, I know how you feel..

God Bless ...

this_hrts - Thanks.

It is sad, isn't it? And I don't just mean me, you or anyone in particular - just the sheer number of people on this board whose lives have, as you said, "been reduced to spying and suspicion and hurt" - if there are this many people on this board, just think of how many other people out there who aren't? What is the deal with this?

I may try to follow her - that's easier said than done for a number of reasons, but I may try to do it tomorrow (Friday).

On the other hand, I am really ready to go ahead and get this all out in the open and see what I can find out that way. I am pretty sure W will tell me more when I tell her I am talking to OMW and OMW is talking to OM. She will not know what he tells her (and neither will I until she tells me). I think I can bluff her too since I do know a few things that she doesn't know I know.

I am just tired of the crap - tired of her telling me how badly I have acted. Tired of listening to phone calls and checking cell records. As someone wrote on another board, I am just tired of it all.

Thanks.

Please don't be too sure about ANYTHING having to do with her, OK? - except she's gonna be madder than a wet hen when she finds out you've been talking to OMW.

Did you say above that you're still thinking about telling your wife that you talked to OMW? And you think this will generate more disclosure from her?

Ahem - wanna buy a bridge?

Please, please do not say ANYTHING to your wife about your interaction with OMW.

WAT

WAT - What do you mean by: please do not say ANYTHING to your wife about your interaction with OMW

Do you mean don't tell her I talked to OMW at all? (which I know is what some people think I should do)

or

Don't tell her any details of what I discussed with OMW?

Also, don't know if you saw my recent posts above, but I have a renewed feeling that there has been contact - and I do know for a fact that there has been contact since she last told me there was - admittedly, however, it was on March 2.

I did see the updates which prompted my recommendation NOT to tell her you've talked to OMW.

What I mean is don't tell her before she hears back thru OM that you talked to OMW. When she asks you if you did, by all means admit it then - but not before. In other words, let the information reach her from sources other than you. When she asks (accuses) do not necessarily tell her everything you discussed with OMW. Things NOT to tell her would be stuff that would reveal your sources of intelligence, i.e., would reveal how you snoop. Just be smart.

Make sense?

WAT

It makes sense in a way - I guess it would confirm continued contact - but only if OM doesn't go NC just because OMW confronts him.

I am not sure, however, that that is the best way to flat out end the EA if it is still going on. Remember, W and OMW are friends and have been for a long time. They are not best friends, but they're good friends (I should say they were). In addition to being pissed, she is going to be distraught when she finds out OMW knows. If is not over, I do think that will end it.

One other thing, even before I told OMW, OM had told OMW some things about me to try to make me look like the "jealous husband". He told her I didn't like the "friendship" between OM and W. He laid the groundwork for his defense if OMW ever found out.

Now, he doesn't remember all he said on the call I taped and OMW has now heard. While it wasn't terrible, it was more than enough to show an EA - especially when you add in the other "evidence".

My point in all that is that I am concerned that OM will be able to downplay this to OMW and convince her I have blown this way out of proportion. If that happens, the only benefit to my telling OMW is that W will back off when she finds out. So, she has to find out for that to happen.

19 - thanks for posting on my thread. I have been following yours. Just not posted anything because I'm just as lost.

I can tell you that I talked to Steve Harley yesterday and it helped me immensely. If you haven't done that you might give it a try...

And yes, it's sad that we have to snoop and spy to get the truth. It was a big deal for me to put a recorder in my wife's car. I had a pit in my stomach for about a day. I get nervous when I take it out to check & put it back in.

One thing I will say about snooping is that I would not be anywhere if I hadn't. The affair would be going on without my knowledge and we'd be tearing each other to pieces, hurting our poor, innocent children in the process.

Snooping helped me too - I think. Of course, it's impossible to know what would have happened if I hadn't snooped and hadn't caught her, but, like you, I really believe it would have kept going and, in my case, turned into a full blown PA. Maybe I am wrong, but I have a feeling most men aren't going to go with an EA for too long without wanting a PA. I absolutely think snooping is the way to go, but I hope I can quit one day.

I don't really like listening to the calls I listen too either, but almost everytime I hear something that bothers me. Usually nothing concret, but something that just isn't quite right. I need to do the car thing since W uses her cell phone for most all calls.

As I said on your thread, it seems a lot of WS's say bad things about BS's and how the WS's feel. Unfortunately, some of it is probably true (I know it is in my case) but I do think they "re-write" and make it worse than it really was. I don't know if that is "fog", but a lot of people on here seem to think it is.

Tonight will probably be a big night for me - OMW is supposed to confront OM tonight and then I am going to tell W that I told OMW - and that I know for a fact that she is still lying to me - should be fun.

Thanks.

19,

""that I am concerned that OM will be able to downplay this to OMW and convince her I have blown this way out of proportion. If that happens, the only benefit to my telling OMW is that W will back off when she finds out. So, she has to find out for that to happen.""

My friend, I think you are thinking way too much and worrying this thing to pieces.

The deed is done. DO NOT say anything to you W concerning your discussions with OMW. Now that OMW is out of town, be patient and await her return.

DO maybe follow them if possible or take your W on a weekend trip somewhere...surprise! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong and patient.

k

I agree that they re-write. Totally agree. But you can't bring that up. I would love to say - do you really think you should direct all your anger, resentment and hurt towards me? Don't you think that you were responsible for some of it as well?

Because if you or I take that tact then it'll just push them to having to take 100% responsibility for the affair. Because while you and I did contribute to their unhappiness the affair was 100% them. At least that's how I understand it. You and I had nothing to do with the affair. It's a lot of responsibility for the WS to assume. So how do you get them to assume that responsibility? And FORGIVE. That's the problem I'm having. I think it may just take time. I don't know.

Good luck tonight. I wish I had leverage from the OMW but she knows and threw him out. She hates him. Served him w/divorce papers on his birthday. It did feel good to talk to her though.

Will be thinking about you.

19,

""then I am going to tell W that I told OMW - and that I know for a fact that she is still lying to me""

Why do you INSIST on doing this? I know I told you not to do this but WAT also told you the same thing.

You must listen to WAT!! Go reread his post about "buying a bridge"

That is a baaaddd idea.

k

MDC - It is hard. I do tell her that I am not 100% responsible for her unhappiness ( I can only take so much). She usually agrees, but I don't think she really does.
Thanks.

krusht - Thanks.

First, I do overthink all this - you're right. I have talked to OMW more since my post above - she's pissed and I am not as worried about OM being able to downplay it. She is back in town and will confront OM tonight.

Second, I know that you and WAT advised me not to tell W that I talked to OMW. I am not sure I agree. Let me ask you this: what is the downside to my telling W?

The only downside I see is that I will not then be able to wait and see if there is contact on Monday (when everyone is at work). The way I see it is that even if there truly has been no contact since Feb 21 (that is what W says and I actually know there was contact on Mar 2), OM will call her to let her know OMW knows. I am positive that will happen and I can already hear W justifying it.

I already know for a fact that there has been at least one contact since W has told me NC.

So, I am not sure what the downside is? Telling her, on the other hand at least gives me a chance that she'll fess up to something I don't know about. Maybe not a good chance, but at least a chance.

Don't count on her fessing up anything. You sound like you want to hurt and punish W by telling her. You make me believe that you want to see the hurt on her face, because you are so adimit on telling her yourself. It almost seems like you can't stand waiting to tell her. STOP...THINK...

Is what I am saying true? Be honest. why do you want to tell her so bad. I am not trying to be harsh, but, you seem kind of controlling to me. If this was just an EA as your wife says, then you need to Plan A your a** off, so that she sees that you are sincere about rebuiling your M and that you love her and forgive her. I know that you have been trying plan A and she has told you that she does not believe you can change. You can, but not if you are going to act all suspicious and controlling. Keep showing her that you are there for her.

You confronting her, taping her, making her feel trapped and smothered, is not going to put you in a good light. Do you want to tell her so you can say to yourself, "Ha Ha, now Iv'e got you now spill your gut's. How does it feel?"

Wrong, wrong, wrong way to go. Do not tell her. Instead of pushing her into the arms of the OM, ask her to go away this weekend with you, make it irresistable for her to say no. Romance, she loves that. Be a night in shining armor, not a Dragon. You could save her from making that big mistake meeting the other guy and you will feel better about yourself and the way you handled it.

Stop the obsessing...You are trying to find fault and could possibly be making it worse for yourself.

Gosh, Beauty has just said EXACTLY what I was going to say.

You keep saying you caught her in another lie. I think it is more she has actually forgotten the date of last contact.

I also am 99.99% sure that the OM was attracted to your wife, enjoyed a bit of flirting, your wife started coming on too strong, he tried to back off, she pursued him and he was left backpedalling like mad trying to extricate himself.

Also PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE listen to WAT and Krusht. They are SO right about this. Also read and reread and reread Beauty's post again.

BTW my H exposed my A to the OMs W, 6 months after he found out, with my blessing, because I was all set to start the A again.

Beauty and Kiwi - Thanks.

You are wrong about one thing: I don't really want to tell W at all. It's not about punishment at all. She's going to be real pissed at me when I tell her.

The main reason I do want to tell her is that I think she will less pissed if I tell her - it won't be quite as much sneaking around behind her back etc. I don't intend to grill her at all - just let her say what she is going to say.

Also, she may very well see OMW on Sunday - even though W did it to me, I really hate for her to have to see OMW not knowing that OMW knows.

Kiwi - you may be right that she came on strong, but he was too for awhile. Also, I really don't think she forgot the date - she is lying about that.

Anyway, my point is that I would prefer not to tell her - I'd really like to have a nice night etc. (Friday is even an SF night on our "schedule") - but I really think I need to to try to mitigate her anger -

Does that make sense or do you still think I am wrong?

Thanks.

19, yours is a slightly different exposure than most, in that it is quite probable that your W and the OM are no longer in contact. I know it must be hard waiting to see if he does tell your w that you've exposed. OM didn't tell me because we were no longer in contact and as someone said to me on here (I wish I could remember who) he'd be too busy dodging the flying crockery to contact me anyway.

Yes, do try and have a nice night and relax a little.

Beauty - We can't go away this weekend - I wish.

I don't really feel like I smother or make her feel trapped - I am suspicious, but I have good reason to be.

As far as fault, isn't there fault if there is still contact? I don't really care about fault, I just want the contact to end so the EA can be over and we can try to move on.

I don't plan to grill her. Just tell her, "Look, I need to tell you that I talked to OMW and told her everything...."

Don't you think she would rather hear that from me than from OM or OMW? Don't you think she'd be more pissed if I didn't tell her? Isn't it more honest to tell her?

The reason I keep mentioning that she has lied about contact is that that justifies my telling OMW - in my mind at least it makes it not quite as bad.

I am open to suggestions - I really don't want to make this any worse than it has to be. She is friends with OMW and is going to be very mad and embarrased.

Thanks.

She should have thought about mad and embarrassed before she started fooling around with her husband.

It's not a game and so many people start by treating it as one. I know I did.