Kiwi - Thanks.

I hope you are right about no contact, but I don't think so. Every time I hear W's calls I hear something that sounds suspicious. As recently as day before yesterday one of her friends was talking to her "in code" about "morning meetings"....

Also, even if there has been NC, I am 99.9% sure he'll call her Monday and tell her OMW knows. Don't forget that they have been friends for a couple of years and they think they can still be friends - both of them do.

Based on all that, I really don't understand why you and Beauty don't think I should not just tell her - as long as it's done in as nice a way as possible.

Thanks.

I totally agree with you there - but I am trying not to take that attitude with W - even though I feel that way.

That's one reason why I think it would be better for me to tell her I told OMW than for it to come from someone else - like I am sneaking around tattling on her

Does that not make sense?

Look, I am dreading this - I don't want to make it worse than it has to be.

I still think your wrong. If you prefer not to tell her, then DON'T...

You say you want to have a nice night with her, but how are you going to do that, if your constantly thinking about what your next PI move will be.

You want her to open up to you? Stop trying to catch her in a lie. Show her you love her, Romance her, and stop obsessing about what might have happened. She admitted to having feelings for this guy, but it's up to you to make her forget about this guy.

Don't let her get in harms way this weekend. Take her far away from it and have a good time doing it.

19, the main reason for not telling her is to see if the information comes from another source. I'd forgotten about the "code" talks. They do look VERY suspicious.

I'm not really making less of the OM's part in this. If it hadn't been caught it probably would have developed into a PA. Just wait and see if the OM contacts her to tell her. I'm betting my bottom dollar it will be only to inform her his w knows and to tell your w to keep out of his life.

***She is friends with OMW and is going to be very mad and embarrased.***

Dude - you're not getting it here. WW *should* be mad and embarrassed.

Being mad and embarrassed is a Natural Consequence of cheating in her marriage.

If there are no Natural Consequences because you keep trying to protect her from them, what reason does she have to knock it off?

None. Your pain means nothing to a WS. A WS will only stop when there is pain for *them.* And as long as you keep trying to protect your WW from the pain of her own behavior and the Natural Consequence of her own freely made choices, you can expect nothing but more of the same behavior.
Mulan

Kiwi and Beauty - So neither of you thinks it would be better coming from me than the OM or OMW? That is my real concern here. If you were her, how would you rather hear it?

Thanks.

P.S. I can't get her away this weekend - impossible due to family stuff.

Mulan - That is great point about consequences and her not caring whether I am upset. I think it's true. She doesn't care - or at least not much.

I am not trying to protect her at all - otherwise I would not have told OMW at all.

I am just trying to "complete" this exposure to OMW in the best way.

Thanks.

19, she won't want to hear it at all from anyone.

Because - it means that the whole thing's over. It means it's out in the open and isn't a secret little "love affair" any more, it's reality and people have been hurt.

That is the WHOLE POINT of exposure. Even though I knew my H was exposing in my heart there was a feeling "well, that's it for ever now - everyone knows and it's totally over. If I contact him I think he'll tell his W and she'll tell my H. If he contacts me he'll think I'll tell my H and my H will tell his W."

The reason the WS is SO mad is because all the doors have been closed.

I know she is not going to want to hear it (and I know I am beating a dead horse...) - she has to hear it from someone or it is worthless - shouldn't it be from me? (nicely)?

19,

she is not going to accept it "nicely" from anyone. In all likelihood, it will appear to her that you are being vindictive and you are making sure she knows that you did it. It's best to let things unfold and be there to talk to her about your desire to restore the marriage when she comes home hopping mad.

xring

If she doesn't hear it from the OM that's a GOOD thing.

Look, I know exactly what you're saying and why you're worried. You're worried that the OMs W is going to confront her and your w will be as mad as ****** that you did this behind her back. You're worried that the OM is going to tell her and she will be as mad as ****** you did this behind her back.

I can understand that if you tell her, at least you've told her what you've done. She'll still be mad as ****** but without the added mad as ****** because you did it without telling her.

Gosh, does any of that make sense?

Just wait until you know the OMW has told the OM and see what happens then.

I have to add that the day my H exposed (at 8.00am in the morning then he rang me at work to tell me he'd done it) I spent the day jumping every time the phone rang. In the end I got reception to screen my calls.

As it happens neither the OM nor his W called.

When I bumped into the OM accidentally about a year after all this he said she had wanted to call me that day but was too upset and wasn't sure what the outcome of it all would be.

This is exactly my thinking - she's gonna be mad anyway, but at least I was honest - and while I agree that it's good if OM doesn't tell her, she has to know at some point -



I am definitely not doing anything until I know this - problem is, OMW will tell OM tonight - OM won't call W til Monday at earliest -

19...

Why should it be from you??? Kiwij just posted exactly what I was going to say. She is a WW, you should listen to her opinion. She has been through it.

Are you afraid that no one is going to tell her? It has been exposed, now let the exposure do it's work. You have done all you can. She Will find out. I just think that you want her to find out NOW so the EA will stop. Be patient...

I know you want all this to end because you are tired, but it still has a long way to go. Hang in there..

FWW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, exactly what Beauty said.

Beauty - Not sure how much of my thread you have read, but I debated for weeks (literally) whether to expose at all. I finally did it, but I am still not sure it was the right thing to do.

Why? Because I think it is possible the EA is over and ended over 2 mos. ago. Seems to me that if the EA ended then exposure may do more harm than good.

If it is over and then if W finds out from someone other than me, then it seems to me it could be even worse.

Now you're overthinking it again.

Just relax 19.

Even if it IS over I'm also betting that your wife is plotting and planning ways to get him to contact her or for her to contact him. You are looking inside the mind of an FWW right now (me) and I know what I'm talking about.

Exposure can only be a good thing.

I have been reading your thread and I know most of it. It took you a long time to expose and I know that your W got mad, but it is the only way to make sure that it does not start up again. Sounds like W is not sure about rebuilding M and could easily try to slip back into A if you don't handle things delicately. You can sway her back. The fog needs to lift. Time is what it's going to take.

Take the heat, you have so far. I remember that you went back and forth about exposing when everyone told you to. But you did it and now the A is no longer secret to anyone.
If you want to tell her than thats up to you. I can only give you my opinion. Good Luck

19,

Just wanted to thank you for responding to my post on another thread and give you my full support - whether or not you'll tell your W about the exposure, and everything else you'll face going forward. While I didn't expose the A to OWH, I strongly agree with others here that the exposure is the most crucial, beneficial, and right thing to do to end the A for all parties involved. Your W will probably be mad at you regardless of who she hears it from anyway, so just stand tall, and know that you've done the right thing. Kiwi said it the best - the exposure can only be a good thing.

While I know that some (maybe many) of you thought I should not tell W that I told OMW, I did tell W last night.

Surprisingly, W did not really get mad at all. I was expecting her to be furious. She wasn't - or she was doing a great job of hiding it. Of course when she told me what she did (see below) I was furious and proceeded to LB for a pretty long time. Might not have helped me any, but it was satisfying.

Maybe she wasn't mad because she is guilty. She has been in contact with OM. She has been lying to me since February 24 or so. About the only good thing is that she sticks to the no PA line. Assuming OM told OMW the same, then it does still look like nol PA.

According to W, she has been calling OM about once a week. She also saw him about 10 days ago - so around April 12. She actually went to his office and took him cookies for some trip he was going on. Said she stayed there about 30 minutes. Bear in mind that his office is about 25 miles from our house. She has never even been to the town before - it was not easy for her to do and yet she did it. I could not believe it when she told me that.

I will talk to OMW tomorrow to see what OM told her. She did confront him Friday night, she just has not been able to talk to me about it yet. It will be interesting to compare notes and see if W is still lying.

W says she is nothing but friends with OM. Has no other feelings for him. Said once reason she called him is because I told her she couldn't. This past Tuesday, on the advice of my IC, I "revoked" the ultimatum I had given W a couple of mos. ago (i.e. call OM and I'll divorce you). W did not talk to OM this week and she says one reason is because I revoked ultimatum.

Anyway, I hate W right now (seriously, I do). I don't want to be anywhere near her. I don't know what to do. Should I continue to Plan A? Should I tell W's mother? (that would piss her off). Should I leave W - for separation maybe?

I refuse to live with her doing this and I have no confidence at all that she will stop. This is the third time she has told me she will stop. There is no way I can believe her after all of her lies.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

P.S. THANK YOU to all of you who cajoled me into telling OMW - I was relatively convinced there was little or no contact and, obviously, I was wrong. Thanks for continuing to tell me to do it when I waffled for so long.