I understand, and you're right. I guess I was using my issues to kinda soften the blow to my WW. Thanks for pointing that out.

And make no mistake, the P addiction wasn't the only thing that tore us down. It takes two and my WW is very much the passive/aggressive type. Never lifting a hand to deal with our issues but always running to mother or friends to voice her opinions to instead of to me.

But you're right, this is dealing with the here and now.


Thanks,

FN

i told our 2 oldest kids SD 10, & SS 9, but they've been w/ me for so long that they are mine. about the A the W had cuase i knew she wouldn't. and of course i got major heat for telling them. but i didn't want them to hate me cause they thought it was my fault. As they did until i told them the truth!! they took it well even though my D cryed and told me sorry for what W has done.

but W told our 2 kids 4 and 3 that she was just moving to another house and all the blahh, blahh that goes w/ it. all they have asked me why mommy does love me anymore me being me. not them.

THANKS for this post i've been beating myself up cause W was pissed off at me for saying something to the kids now after reading all the post i feel i did the right thing.

Ok, well I have a question about this, too.

My children were 7, 5, and 3 during the A. My FWH never left the house, although regrettably there were several times he treated me very rudely in front of the children, which upset them. He was angry 'with' them, too, and I just kept them out of his way as much as possible for the duration.

Since he didn't move out, all they noticed was that he was not around (during the early months of the A - he was home more than not during the later stages), and would cry at night for them. I simply told them I did not know where he was, which was true.

I don't see that it would help anything to go back and tell them now, but should I have told them more than that at the time? Or should you wait to tell your kids until/if the WS moves out?

neak,

I don't know that anyone has a one-size-fits-all answer for you.

From all I've experienced, read and learned throughout my life and in my time here on MB... the kids ALWAYS know... and like the BS, they feel like their concerns are dismissed by the lies... or worse... like they're crazy.

Also, something else to consider: If you ever want to do something like, say, give a testimony at church about how your marriage was healed after infidelity... it could get back to them somehow, and if you hadn't told them, they'd be devistated, wouldn't they? In fact, if you told a girlfriend, the same thing could happen...

I was a little TOO honest with my children when their dad was unfaithful... they were very young (6,5,3), and I went so far as to tell them the exact person (one of the OW was YD's pre-school teacher)... it was bad... OD reported news to me, which was absolutely NOT her place (however, her father did stuff right in front of them and tried to convince them it was 'normal' - he was a bit of a dolt like that)... and she (OD) also came to me at her sister's pre-school grad to tell me Daddy was kissing OW in the kitchen. Very nice.

I suspect there's some middle ground... and again... this is why I push for AGE APPROPRIATE exposure...

Post deleted by Cherished

Children do not need to be burdened with that type of information...

sfjaj,

They already know. They always do. Like a BS, they think they're going crazy because *something* is going on and they don't know what it is.

And trust me, if they don't know the exact details, there's every possibility they'll find out somewhere along the way... and like a child who *suddenly* finds out they're adopted, it can be devistating.

SECRETS AREN'T SAFE for a family.

To which information are you refering? And are you bringing this from a WS or BS point of view?


FN

Certainly children can be made aware that there are "marital problems" but I strongly DO NOT believe they require that much information. It is much like helping them to understand the changes they will undergo with the onset of puberty. Parents provide appropriate information for that age. They don't need to know details; that is abusive, in my opinion

Post deleted by Cherished

Cherished, I'm not going to judge your decision and what you think worked best in your situation. I just believe that children need age-appropriate info and "problems" can acknowledge the problem without providing details that aren't necessary and are more harmful than positive. The children shouldn't be made to feel that they need to favor one parent over the other,and that type of detailed info is sure to color their opinions

sfjaj,

By details... of course I don't mean specifics physically... but emotionally?... that Daddy (or Mommy) is behaving in a way that is hurting the family? You bet!

Would you tell children that the reason we can't pay the rent is because Daddy gambled the money away? Mommy crashed the car when she was drunk? Uncle Jim is not allowed in the house because he takes drugs and we do not accept that in our home? Or would you lie about it?

Infidelity is the same thing... it's an addiction that is hurting the family. The children are people in the family... so yes, age appropriate (which has been said several times throughout this thread)... but they need to be told what's going on.

I stand strongly with my opinion that age-appropriate can be as simple as mommy and daddy are having problems getting along. Parents are meant to have close relationships with their children; "uncle jim" is not a parent, more details there may be appropriate. Unless motives are to be vindictive...

Vindictive? No. Compassionate? Yes, because the children know something is going on and they have a right, as part of the family, to understand (in an age appropriate way) what it is.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion... as am I. I also feel very strongly that children are an intregal part of the family and deserve to know the truth.

We must agree to disagree on this one. Yes, they do agree to know the truth, but in an age-appropriate fashion. Nothing is compassionate about making children feel as though they must view one parent as a villain, which they will if every detail is exposed to them.

Kids need to be told the truth even when it reflects badly on a particular parent. Sometimes parents act like a villian and the child should not be given a FALSE view of that parent. It is not healthy to lie to children or pretend like something is good when it bad.

The worse thing a parent can do is remain morally neutral about immorality; that is a gross dereliction of duty as it is the RESPONSIBILITY of parents to give children moral training. Adultery is a great opportunity to teach children right from wrong.

Here is a good article by Dr. Harley about lying and adultery and its impact on children:

"Parents have a responsibility to teach their children the importance of honesty and the importance of thoughtfulness -- considering other people's feeling when decisions are being made. To do otherwise is not only terribly irresponsible, but may tend to perpetuate the learning of these rules of deceit and thoughtlessness for generations to come.

<snip>

But even after the mistake of an affair, it is possible to make a conscious choice to change the disastrous consequences. I have counseled many parents who could see what they were teaching their children by having an affair. It motivated them to end the affair and explain to their children how wrong they had been. Although it was extremely difficult and very humbling, they were not only able to save their marriage, but also able to correct the lessons they had taught their children. "

entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html

My youngest daughter was four when her mother began an affair. She saw and understood what was happening was despicably wrong. She became a defiant, unhappy teenager and she married early to get out of her mother’s house. Her first two marriages quickly failed. A third lasted longer but it too eventually ended. Twenty-five years after the fact she confronted her mother about her mother’s affair and it caused a rift between them lasting three years during which they did not speak or see each other, in spite of living within 5 miles of each other. They are still not comfortable with each other and they both know why. Children see and know what is happening!

There are people out here who want to perpetuate secrets using the excuse the truth is too damaging, cruel, or makes someone feel badly about the cheating spouse. The fact is, not being honest with children may defer for a while the ugliness of exposing to them, but it magnifies the problem when it finally must be dealt with. That moment invariably arrives. Someday, sometime, everything comes out into the open and the delayed impact is devastating. Hiding a thing is dishonesty incarnate. It’s how adultery takes root and thrives in the first place. Expose, get it over with, and pass on to other matters.

I agree. My stepfather, I call dad becaused he raised me and adopted me caused this in my life by having multiple affairs. The first of which was the one that split my mother and my biological father up. Yes, he was the OM.

Over the years he had multiple others and even though I know it pained my mother, to the point of attempting suicide, they covered them up and didn't tell us about them until I pushed it.

This is my second M. I married early as well, at 18. Divorced at 20 and remarried at 21 now faced with the possibility of a second D. My sister, bless her heart married early because she got pregnant and immediately divorced him two years later after an abusive relationship. She had two daughters from him, she never married the father of her third.

You can't tell me this crap doesn't have an impact of the children or that NOT telling them has any benefit what-so-ever.


FN

Longhorn,

Excellent (but very sad) post.