I have a crazy situation and would like comments and advice. One of my brother's in laws and I had long been attracted to each other and after a number of years of knowing one another decided to date. Early in the dating relationship the family found out and all heck broke loose. The family fell apart and the relationship between this fellow and became strained. I lost my romantic feelings for this fellow and my attraction to him started to fade. We went ahead with the relationship hoping for it to be restored, and even went so far as to be married. We ended up getting an annulment. Our relationship became more and more acrimonious. However, after all of this, he still professes to love me. I feel a bond to him and still see him as having many qualities I want in a mate, but I'm sure I can't be happy in the relationship unless my feelings of affection and attraction are restored. We have continued to see each other, and I'm afraid that after a year, I feel a bond and desire to have things work, but I don't feel the affection or attraction that I need to feel to be happy. Is there anyway to regain those feelings and repair this relationship, or does it seem hopeless? Thanks.

Welcome, Lucy!

You've come to a wonderful place to find out about how to restore your own feelings. Have you read the articles on this site? The Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Lovebusters?

I couldn't tell why your family was so opposed to your relationship (or his family)...would you explain why it upset them for me?

You are searching for answers and you'll get them, Lucy. Stay open and know that this is about you, what you control, which is yourself.

Welcome...I lool forward to your posts.

LA

Thanks for replying, LA. I've tried to find a place on this site that tells me what all of the abbreviations mean that you use in giving me your personal info, but haven't found it yet.

I've read a couple of the articles on this site and will keep reading. I'm afraid that it's really too late to ever turn my situation around. This saddens me greatly, but perhaps it is for the best. It has been a real emotional roller coaster for both my ex and I.

It's hard to know all of the reasons that the family objected to us dating. From things that were said by them, I'm thinking that they have some negative opinions of me and felt they were warning my ex away from me. How they came to have these opinions of me is a mystery. They claimed all sorts of odd things about me. I must say that my feelings were quite hurt to hear them say all of these things because my brother was in on it and I had always thought that he and I were on very good terms. My ex is younger than me and, on top of all of the insults they slung at me, they seemed to think that I was some older woman looking to take advantage of my ex. (He and I are both well into adulthood, so I didn't see this as an issue). All of the insults and fighting took the joy out of the relationship for me at an early time in the relationship when I felt the need to have fun and grow in my affection for my ex. My ex is very impatient with me about this because he doesn't see how people's negative opinions and carping at me could affect my feelings toward him. I think it was just that a young relationship became a big drama instead of being a joy.

There is a thread on the Infidelity Just Found Out Forum at the top for abbrev/acronyms.

Drama's can only be shared when you choose to participate. Acknowledge your ex's point of view that he did not allow that influence into your relationship but you did.

My advice to read and know more is that I believe the basics of your relationship, without the influence of others, are what will re-occur in your future. With ex or without him.

What we don't learn and change, we repeat.

No judgment from me...knowing you choose to allow others to affect your choices, your joy (which is an emotion that comes from a belief you have in you), is important to know. Why you choose that is important to know.

LA

Well, it's a long time later and I don't feel the effects of my brother's opinion much anymore. I think the effect that it had on the relationship was that when the relationship was new and I wasn't completely committed to it yet emotionally, instead of having fun together and getting to know each other better we were instead always surrounded by hostile phone calls and emails from the family and issues with his ex wife. Sometimes it all started fights between he and I. He and I live in different cities, and after all of the family stuff started I secretly went to visit him. Here's another piece of he whacky puzzle, but I had to check into a hotel in his town because his ex-wife was living in his garage. Kind of funny in a way, huh? Anyway, the family figured out that I was there by snooping around and started ringing our cell phones with hostile messages. And, also, I admit the presence of his ex-wife in his house gave me some pause emotionally. I wasn't too willing to emotionally commit with her still hanging around for fear that she was still an emotional issue for him, despite his assurances that she wasn't. So, I don't think that it was the other people's opinions of our relationship that turned me off, but the absence of a normal courtship without fighting and drama and ex-wives around.

Hi Lucy
I feel that maybe your ex is listening to much to his family & not putting all his concentration into the person he claims to love.
I don't understand why he's allowing family & friends to put you down so much.
It makes me wonder "what is his true feelings for you"?
What is he hiding? Has he been open & totally honest with you?
Had you been communicating with him for you to visit?
He sounds very mixed up & not quite sure what he wants.
I guess for you, you will have to decide is this the way you want to live you life & what is it that keeps you from keeping in contact with him.
I'm not judging you in anyway & I wish you all the best.
Take Care
Mrs K

The stuff above happened ages ago. I brought it up because it set the tone for the relationship. The ex wife moved out when he and I got married, and I have refused to take calls or emails from the family for several months now. He attempted to defend our relationship, and me, to the family, but they wouldn't hear of it. He has been pretty good about the family thing except at the beginning he sometimes would pipe in with a "maybe my mother was right about you" when he would get upset with me. I think he's been pretty clear that he wants the relationship, it's just that when he gets hurt or angry he tends to launch into insults. I don't think he even listens to what he's saying. That's my only really big issue with him. Later he says he didn't mean stuff that he said, but that his feelings were hurt that he knows I lost the affection for him, and in a way I don't blame him for being hurt. I just wish that he would find a better way to express his hurt than verbal assaults. I find myself wondering if he really thinks all of this bad stuff about me even though he just said it because he was hurt and didn't really mean it.

Went on vacation...I'm back...

Ex-wife in the garage? Was she truly an ex, then? Was the family hostile with emails and phone calls because they wanted him to reconcile with XW, so you met him secretly?

I'm not judging you...but if your relationship started off with him seeing you on the side...maybe becoming emotionally attached to you before he was divorced, then some of what you may be experiencing now has a lot to do with that.

Also, I'm looking at this as judgment...his family judging you, comparing, diagnosing your future....and somewhere in you, there might be the same thing going on in your head. You're dealing with a man who gives himself permission to insult his wife. That's a lovebuster...tough to get that googly in-love feeling from a man who does this. Can still happen...read LoveBusters.

What are yours that you do? Can't change him...sounds like if he knew there was a way to make love deposits in your bank, he might not carry around the "she's not into me" belief, which hurts him even when he's not thinking on it specifically. And when you make love deposits in his bank (if he allows it, just like you have to allow him to), then your love also grows.

One lovebuster takes away 20 deposits. Eliminating LBs is essential to feeling affectionate, admiring, appreciative and wobbly-kneed.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

He had been divorced for quite some time before we started seeing each other and I believe he was being honest when he told me that she knew that he was seeing me from the beginning. The thing was that at the time, though I thought the ex knew about me, I did have some suspicion that there was still some sort of bond between them and so I probably held back some emotion until I was sure it was over between them. In retrospect, I think it likely was over for them at that time, but at that time, I wasn't sure.

I know that his mother hated his ex-wife. I had often heard her complain about his ex before he and I ever started seeing one another. After he and I started seeing each other though, I was apprised of a phone call that she made to the ex where she expressed all sorts of negative sentiments about me and supposedly aired some threats against me, the nature of which is complicated to explain. So, I guess the woman she had professed to despise for so long, the ex, suddenly became a temporary buddy to her.

I had to take a business trip that would take me not too far from his place, so I came a few days early and am currently at his place. It is all very sad to me because we had a good time together today, and yet I can't get this unhappy feeling of lost love to pass. I don't know whether to just walk out of here and say it's over for good, or to keep pitching. I still feel this bond to him and enjoy him so much when things are going right, but I know I can't be happy unless I can get that love feeling going. It's such a feeling of emptiness this way.

Sounds like you don't live together. What are all the factors in your marriage that make it different from other marriages, or your idea of marriage?

Are you considering what it is within you, your expectations, keeping you from feeling in love? Fully vested? Making love a choice?

LA

Well, I've been here staying with him for less than 2 days now and the differences have already led to a huge argument. We miscommunicate all of the time. Plus, he thinks me being depressed is dragging down the relationship, but doesn't see that it's the relationship that is making me depressed. I think that I've finally learned that we don't belong together and it's time for me to suck it up and leave for good. It's hard to break the bond I feel for him, and I will grieve for awhile, but I guess it's best for both of us in the longrun. It's all very sad, but I guess it's for the best.

Is that all? Are you done with MB, also?

LA

The ex found this website and read my posts. He felt that I didn't adequately portray his sacrifice by not mentioning that he chose to abandon his family to be with me. He was hurt by some of the things that he read in my posts. He knew everything that is contained in them, but I guess that seeing the issues in print, and in harsher terms than I used when talking to him, was painful. We can't seem to ever get past the issues that we have, which are making us miserable, but I also feel great distress at the idea of abandoning our relationship too. Kind of a tough situation.

I'm glad you're back. You can face the fear of posting, and post anyway.

Your choice.

Welcome, Lucy's Mate...I'm defining you this way because of my belief, not your reality. It's what I do. I'm human.

We don't get over pain...we work through it. Grow from it. Like stinky fertilizer. Might be where the term "Fertilizer Happens" comes from.

What I'm telling you, you both already know. Feeling pain is a signal...all our emotions are signals. A great goal in life is learning this...that our emotions are information...no good comes of feeling fault in them or being chained to them...and great destruction comes from choosing our lives based on how we feel.

Feelings are our information for us about us...they come from our beliefs. If we choose our lives, which involve others', based on information about us, then we're screwing the pooch, putting the cart before the horse...pick your analogy; mine suck.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is reasonable, Lucy, for your mate to read and believe you aren't adequately portraying your lives. Your posts, your perception, comes through the filter of you. His will do the same. There is no objectivity in us, subjective creatures. There is no blame, either. In order to blame you, he must assume your intent was self-serving...and I choose to believe it was as honest for you as you are.

He must also choose to believe that others will judge him through you...and we don't know. We know we don't know him. And he doesn't know I don't judge.

When we live, and please choose to believe me when I say that I lived this way before...through others; allowing others to define us, relying on our reactions, our feelings, to tell us if we love, how much and if we feel miserable, that they are the cause...then these choices of belief...about portrayal, image, reality...all make sense to us.

Also holds the belief that people are replaceable...if Lucy and her mate don't match, their union won't thrive.

Tough belief to live. Formed very early in life...around four years old...hard to live with after years of adult experiences.

What if you both decided to inject respect, hold to universal shared truths, and work on yourselves instead of each other...what would happen then, in your emotions, your thoughts and beliefs?

Seems like that would change the issues you've been trying to get past, even the premise of your lives, wouldn't it? What if pain doesn't come from the outside? What if it all comes from within?

Both your choices...even if one of you chooses and the other doesn't...everything changes.

LA

Well, I don't know if he will be back to the board or not, and I'm sure that he will only be annoyed should he come back here. I am going to ramble and dump on you folks a little because I'm pretty upset right now. I was lectured last night on how I failed to answer the questions posed to me by others here on the board. He was not satisfied that I said that I had reviewed the questions posed to me carefully and had responded to them. I imagine he's referring mostly to the person above who wonders how my emotion could have been swayed by the opinions of others, and my reply was that my emotions weren't swayed by their disapproval, but more by the constant drama and unhappiness that surrounded me during the fighting. I was once again told that I obviously didn't understand the sacrifice that he had made in choosing me over the family because I didn't express it clearly enough in my original post above. I was also presented with all sorts of confusing commentary from him. (I guess that anytime I discuss hurtful things he's said to me, I am required to preface it with "This negative statement you made to me, which I caused to be made because of my own hurt I have caused.....", in order for him to be sure that I acknowledge my role in the problem.) The upshot of the conversation was that he is moving on and is exercising some of the other "options" available to him, meaning seeing other women now. Though I feel great distress over that, I have to believe that it's not the best thing to be in a relationship of constant misunderstanding in both directions (though he it seems sometimes that he thinks I misunderstand him but not vice versa, though I'm not sure on this???) and someone that thinks I pervert his words all of the time, though when he misunderstands what I've said it's a case of me not speaking coherently, and etc, etc. I know that I hurt him terribly on the emotional issue, and take full responsibility on that count, and on saying and doing some things I wish that I could undo, but it took two to tango and I think that my feeling that many of his words are less than flattering is not the product of some emotional defect on part. He really does say things that many people would find hurtful, though he sometimes claims that I am the only one who would find them thus. Well, anyway, thanks for letting me ramble and vent my frustration. Hopefully he won't be back here reading again because I'm sure that my views will only increase his contempt for me and I don't desire that.

In your next relationship, Lucy, beware of anyone who believes in sacrificing for a marriage. Read Harley's views...sacrifice creates resentment. Don't go there.

Find yourself a family and a man who reads up on how relationships really work. Commit to that man all your heart and put this marriage behind you. I'm so sorry. You guys started out uneven, and nothing could get you to equal partners given his sacrifice.

Great lesson in case you feel like sacrificing for your partner, right?

(((((Lucy)))))

LA

Well, despite what he may believe, I wasn't unaware or indifferent to the sacrifice that he made. I sometimes felt great pressure on myself because I knew he had made this sacrifice. Yes, I imposed this pressure on myself.

I know that what I am about to say is immature and possibly a little indelicate for this forum, but I can't help myself since I'm in despair. He says that I harp on subjects that are of interest only to me and not to both of us, whereas he keeps his discussion of his interests to a minimum. I wonder if his new girlfriend will find the several times a day discussion of his night sweats, body pustules, digestive problems and toe fungus as interesting as I did.

He is a verbal abuser and I am sorrowed for the loss of your marriage, but I believe the annulment was correct.

Please find out why you are attracted to abusers...what's your payoff...mine was that it covered my own abuse and sins...though in reality, it didn't.

Find yours...why are you willing to make yourself a doormat, which creates resentments, which kills feelings of love?

Why this cycle for you, Lucy?

What did you do in your younger life that was unforgivable?

LA

Well, I don't think that I'm generally attracted to abusers. I've had relationships in the past where a few insults were traded back and forth, but not on a regular basis in any of those situations. My ex has assured me that any behavior or comments that I find negative in our situation are the result of me emotionally beating him down by making it clear that I had lost an essential emotion for our being happy together. He says that had I not beaten him down emotionally in this way then none of the other stuff would have happened. Perhaps he is right and I didn't handle this well and his being hurt caused him to lash out. I know that I hurt his feelings quite badly. I'm sure that now it's too late to ever turn this around, but I wish I had a crystal ball that would allow me to know how this might have gone had the initial dramas with the families and his ex had never had occured.

So, you made him abusive by not feeling love for him? Wow, you're powerful. More powerful than any other human on the planet.

His hurt was his own...his choice to lash out was his own.

Just as your lack of feeling was your own.

Choose wisely...I believe it would have been the same outcome, given you are the same people. How we handle other people's drama is still up to us. Not them.

LA