I have a post under Just Found Out (OM is my stepfather) and thought I would ask a question here.
D-Day was 3/19/06, last PI together (WW and I) was before that, almost a month now. My question for any who have been through this and have made it through to the other side (for better or worse)is how do we begin again with PI? She doesn't want to because she will wonder what I am thinking of her (imagining them together or whatever). That is less of a concern for me. Rather, I will wonder if she is thinking of them together, and wishing she were with him instead of me (which of course will make her not want to be with me). We have had our issues sexually before. For her, I have never been the kind of lover she wants (so she says now after the A, though she often seems to sincerely enjoy sex with me). I have not been perfect of course, but I have always tried to please her and not just be in it for me. I am now quite willing to change and be different with her in any way that would please her and make her happy. After all, sex is about two married people becoming one, both giving and receiving pleasure.
Any advise for us? I'm not expecting instant results, but any efforts to grow as a couple would be better than nothing. Help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am a FWW working my way through trying to recover my M; my best advice is to give her time...she is likely in intense withdrawal from the OM, and pressure for SF will likely drive her away. Focus upon meeting her ENs and showing her how in love with her you are

I cant believe it!! are you the BS right? and even this are you interesting in PI?
If Im right, your S is lucky..
Im the BS my D day was 21 march 2006, and my H got crazy and he doesnt want any contact with me.. I cant even kiss him in his cheek (Im not sure this is the word)..He doesnt want even I hold his hand... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
For me would be a big chance to start recovering process.. I asked my H to make love, and he denied, he told me he couldnt... I felt terrible... my selfsteem is under floor...

Keep trying, I was blind and I thought OM was incredible, and now I realized that a real man doesnt get involve with a married woman.. OM is single, and I think he was interesting in something else that my friendship.. How fool I was right? I was so stupid.!!!!

Dont give up!!!! dont push it her.. give her time.. she's still blind about OM.. I think..

Hey, 1W,

Have she had an STD screen yet? I've been posting to her, but know you're in the middle of exposing and moving and stuff. Make this request...it is reasonable and self-respecting. It is not a judgment but a reality.

SF (sexual fulfillment) is tough after an A. All the comments made (like what she said about SF) ring in your head, images, etc. I thought the same thing...is he fantasizing about OW like he did for two years? Hard.

As a BS, know that you can say...SF means acceptance to me (or whatever it emotionally represents to you), feel chosen. I crave that from you. I miss it. I'm scared.

If you both decide to have it after the tests, then ask for ground rules. If at any time you feel flooded with pain, you will ask to stop, to hold and be held and breathe. Time to refocus on your wife. Same for her...at any she thinks of OM, she will ask to stop, hold and be held.

Worked for us. Gets better the more you practice controlling your thoughts/images in your mind. Healthy stuff.

Tear, I'm confused...you are the one who had the affair, right? Then you are the WW (wayward wife) and your H is the BH (betrayed husband). I see you posting in spanish, so I haven't been able to post to you.

If this is the case, your advice is right on. This does wipe you out inside. It is what your BH experienced...rejected, denied, under the floor.

Take heart and hope...you can recover. This won't be forever. The more you communicate, stay open and honest (O&H), the better, with time, it will get. Own your part, your choice...own how you lovebusted even before the A; and in time, your changes will be felt by BH. He will know you changed and won't ever choose to betray your marriage or him, again.

LA

Key concept: give her time...

1woundedheart, has contact with the OM ended? It will be practically impossible to meet her needs while she is in withdrawal, but withdrawal will not happen until contact ends. The last I saw, she was still in contact with him and didn't answer my last post to her asking why contact had not ended. When will the affair be exposed to your mother?

Have you read Suzet's thread about the phases of withdrawal? Suzet is another very knowledgable FWW, like LovingAnyway,[hat tip to LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />] who is years into the recovery process. You might find that very helpful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

I always pictured Mel with a top hat and tails...in tap shoes.

Smart, sassy and talented.

Thanks for the hat tip,

LA

LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Habiba just posted that 1woundedheart has gone to tell his mother the truth. I am going to say a prayer for this poor woman right now. Her life has been shattered by this betrayal and she will never be the same again because of this despicable act of cruelty.

ML, your hostility helps NO ONE, not the WS, not the BS. I hope eventually you see that so you turn no more WS who have a hope for change

sfjaj,

In your post, do you mean ML saying "despicable act of cruelty" is a slam to Habiba? Something that slashes in you, like an attack?

I believe it is also...because that is what I owned when I had my A's. They were. I acted in cruelty. I have that in me. It is forgivable and redeemable, with ownership and changing my life. I believe this. I know you and sfjaj are changing your lives as well.

I had to get to all of me, all that I had within me...the manipulative, self-serving, cruel, dishonest...there's a lot more (its early). All are within me. I did it with an exercise from "Healing the Shame that Binds Us" by Bradshaw.

That doesn't make me cruel today, sfjaj...or despicable. I choose not to be. And I will continue to choose not to be, just as I continue to choose what is in me, also...to be faithful.

I hope this helps...it really helped me over a year ago when I did the exercise. And at the time? Oh, yeah, I wasn't looking at the OW's traits to see my way inside myself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Which is how I saw them in me.

((((sfjaj))))

LA

sfjaj, just the fact that you believe I have been "hostile" is a testament to how limited you are in your own recovery. It shows very much that you are only 2-3 weeks away from your own affair, believe me.

Melody,

I think you should know that 1Woundedheart has now written that his wife just informed him that after all of the pain of discovery, she has now had sex with the stepfather 3 more times during the last two weeks. This is after she confessed to 1woundedheart and they had decided to inform the mother in the near future. I told him if he had exposed immediately this would probably have not happened. Nevertheless, the fact that she could continued to have sex with the stepfather 3 more times under her stepmother's roof and after seeing the terrible pain she has inflicted on her husband says a great deal about her distain for her husband and stepmother. She is a real piece of work.

Bryan, I am very outraged at what has been done to this woman and have asked for prayers for her. I knew that the affair was continuing right under MIL's roof because Habiba alluded last night to this. MIL's whole life, her home, everything she loves has been tainted by this evil. I only hope that this cruelty ended last night with exposure. And good for you for encouraging 1woundedheart to expose so she can protect herself now.

Thank you, LA. As always, your words are true.

ML, excuse me! I have confessed to my A and am in NC for the past 11 weeks. I have been trying to figure out what irritates me so about your posts, as others have been critical of me and I learned something from the others. But, with you, I have learned nothing, just felt sorry for you that you harbor such anger and hostility. Then, with your last post, I figured it out: you seem to wish for WS to fall and be unsuccessful, that gives your posts more validity, so to speak...how sad

He also wrote that he told (exposed) to his mother last night. He was so upset he found his mother at church and told her everything.

I think the aversion, rather, stems from an aversion to the truth. That is pretty typical of a freshly busted WS, they are hostile to the truth and still very fogged out. And you have no way of knowing what I "wish" for.

Even so, this is not all about you, sfjaj; 1woundedheart is in a terrible place today and so is Habiba's other victim, her MIL. How about lets try and help them instead?

newbeginnings, did he say how she is? May God help her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ML, you are correct that it is about them now. its not my place to focus on me now

ML,

He said she is stronger than anyone realized, though I think she's in shock...

By the way, here's a link to his post: Click Here