I am having a terrible time dealing with my H and life right now. Is it me, or am I just never gonna get over the A?
D-day #3 was 4 ½ years ago and some days the pain and confusion is so raw. I don’t know exactly why either. But, I have a few ideas. Of course first of all, I am doubting my sanity and ability to handle life like a normal person. Then I wonder if it’s H. Or teenagers. Is all this normal everyday stuff and I just can’t cope?
I’ll explain a little and hopefully not get too windy.
We have been married for 24 years. The first A was at 18 mos. The second was at 8 years. The third was at 20 years, which was 4 ½ years ago. The third one almost killed me. I was very depressed and distraught and H moved out for a few weeks before we decided to give it a go. Long before MB, but we did o.k.
I went to counseling and then took AD meds, and then I talked to SH, and H talked to SH a few times and we did once together. H finally said he wasn’t so sure the counseling was such a good idea. He hasn’t really helped me since. I really don’t feel like he has given me what I need to heal and trust him again.
Fast forward to this week. H has been working out of town, in a pretty rough industry, and the things he says to me and such are a little more crude than usual. I don’t like it.
I told him that I found girlie mags in our sons room (he’s 19) and how I handled it. H said “yeah I heard the cover of SI swimsuit had all the girls topless and all kinds of cool [censored]”. I was crushed. I am extremely sensitive to this sort of thing, and H knows it due to previous occurances, yet sometimes he still says/does stuff like this. Also, when he came home, he was telling me about his boss and a few of the other guys going to the topless bar. My BIL said when he was with them and that offer was made to go there, BIL said he wasn’t going, and since he had the keys to the truck, they weren’t either if they were riding home with him. Kudos to BIL!. I wondered if H would have done the same thing, but somehow doubt it.Wo,when he mentioned the boss going , I told him what his brother had said, and asked what he may have done in the same situation.
He said, oh I don’t know (I’m thinking strike one bubba), and seemed really unsure how to handle it. I asked if he would go and he kinda hemmed and hawed a second and said “oh, no, not to a bar, oh ****** no. I can;t do that” (he’s a recovering alcoholic). I just smiled and he finally said “it’s probably not a good idea to go to that kind of place anyway, right?” I said, “yes, that is right. I guess I should be glad that at least you did say you shouldn’t go there, and not be too upset how long it took you, just that you did get it.” I told him that it would not be a good thing for us if he went there, ever!
Of course, this is upsetting to me. H is rather impulsive and won’t stand up against anyone in a bad situation so I don’t feel very confident that he would resist. And then he would just say, well I didn’t have a ride so I had to go.
Last night I overheard son talking to his friend about the topless deck on a cruise he just booked, against my wishes, and something about hiding his ID. I blew up! I was able to lay down the boundaries with my son about not bringing the mags and disrespecting women. I told him what his dad had said about the SI cover and told him I thought it was disrespectful and I won’t put up with it from him (son).
Later I told H what happened with son and told him how what he told me about the cover girls had hurt my feelings real badly. He did apologize, but had that bewildered look on his face. He did comment later that I was a little unstable today.....so maybe blowing it all out of proportion??
So, I am noticing that when my H is around all kinds of triggers come around due to his behavior. I don’t know if I am just so insecure because of my own issues and upbringing, the A’s, my depression or what...and I am going crazy! I feel terrible. Did I blow up at my son about stuff his dad has done and I ‘m afraid he will do also?
Am I just not feeling safe? And is that H’s problem or something I should be doing differently? I am really at a loss as to what is going on here.
I feel so good when he is gone and get excited to see him come home and in a short while I am depressed and moody again. Seeing all the behavior that was present before the A. And it scares me.
Any words of wisdom, supposing you made it this far?
I really don’t want to feel this way but don’t know how to deal with it. I feel so alone. Talking to H is not usually a productive ordeal. He doesn’t really do R talk. He will tell me “I’m sorry you feel that way”, but never “I’m sorry I did (X) to hurt you” He always says or insinuates that I am overreacting. Has even said, “you don’t need to feel that way, that’s not the way it really is”. That further confuses me.
Any thoughts would be very much appreciated!
