At least for me MarriageBuilders has become addictive. I have wrestled with why I put up with an abusive spouse until he was also unfaithful. His reaction to my exposing his affair? I'll give you another change. What was wrong with me? It came down to beliefs in disinterested love and forgiveness. I had to come up with different beliefs.
Orchid: What are your beliefs now?
What I have decided is that I married this man, for good times and bad times, but the bad times weren't supposed to come because of his thoughtless and hurtful behavior towards me. I should have had enough dignity and self-respect to remove myself from his presence when he treated me badly. I did not. I believed in the permanence of marriage, and rather than remove myself from his presence, I tried to change him.
Orchid: Wait....for better or worse doesn't condone abuse. Marriage is a life long commitment but not at the hands of a WS. Many of us stumble and expose ourselves to further abuse in the hopes of saving the M. Being married to a WS isn't marriage....it's torture but we still try. Why? Because our minds and hearts are not insync making us strong enough to move forward. It really takes a while.
Mistake. He had to change. I couldn't change him.
While I will always be married to him in my eyes, I may need to file for divorce. I have given him one condition for our living together, and that is that we spend a rolling average of 15 hours together. If he doesn't meet that condition, I will separate.
Orchid: Is that your only condition? Mines was NO OW in MY LIFE. That meant any OW and NO WS.
He doesn't make decisions with my interests in mind. Instead, he resents interference. All I can do with that is tell him how I feel and listen to how he feels.
Orchid: I can relate to this statement. I did more than tell him. Remember WS' don't have ears. What's there is cosmetic at best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I stopped telling and started living....for me. It was hard. I was sooo used t/d for others. Didn't know how to pamper myself. Is that crazy or what?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I recognize that I need a long-term perspective on this. If I give a condition of his spending time with me and then tell him how I feel, he may decide it is in his best interest to make decisions which I benefit from as well.
Orchid: You think?!?!?!? What would make him be different?
Now I need to live, to care for him in ways that he is open enough to tell me, to care for our children, and to see what happens. The circumstances that led to the affair included my acceptance of neglect (he wanted downtime and support for what he chose to do) and my being intimidated into silence rather than telling him how I feel.
Orchid: This conflicting, you can't make him open up. You can show him the way but the actual art of opening up is all up to him and if he is a WS, he ain't gonna open up. So whatch gonna do? It better NOT be giving into the WS mentality. Please it isn't so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I'd rather be divorced than model for our children a marriage I would not want them in. I have hope. I have changed circumstances, and now I need to wait and see what fruit comes of it.
Orchid: Ok. You can change the circumstances you have control over but not the WS himself. Make sure you waiting period is a reasonable amount and not too long.
This forum has helped me to think things through. Thank you.
Cherished
Orchid: This forum has helped me also. If you get a chance, go read BrambleRoses' post. She has a thread link back to 2001 when I was still in pain. Read it and tell me if you can relate. Pay attention to the advice I was getting then. It was very good and I was a bit stubborn, but I made it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> U can 2! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
take care,
L.
