Habiba, I know where you are coming from. Have you considered taking some time away to begin thinking about what you want before you make any radical moves?

I'm sorry you're in such turmoil and pain, Habiba...

Something you may want to remember here... the risk of your marriage being destroyed is a part of the equation...

... the risk to your children... is HUGE.

What will you tell them, if you try to build a relationship to OM/Grandpa?

What about their grandmother?

Can you see how the mere *idea* of making a life with Grandpa will affect your children?

Look at the big picture here...

And I really do know how hard NC can be, and how torn you feel... that said, I also know how it feels to look BACK and see yourself and your actions... years later...

How you *feel* at this moment, will not be how you feel years from now. That much, I can promise...

Habiba are you there? Tell me what you are feeling

did your husband tell his mother....

ARK

Having a child as a result of an affair makes one squirrley about "exposure", don'cha know.

In other words ... it's OK to do it, and not OK to talk about it when necessary.

Another way to defend one's choices is to attack others whose choices did not put a child in such a predicament.

It must be painfully uncomfortable to be such a carefully guarded person. Where does one go for a restful mind in that circumstance?

When standing in the light of truth is NOT AN OPTION ... that makes living in the shadows preferable. Lousy choice. Poor child.

Pep

Yes. If there is any way possible, I will continue the A until it is utterly proven to be dead, until the OM puts it to death, or until it actually becomes painful to continue.

It's been too wonderful so far to want to stop...

Thank you for asking, Mellow. Your Q's are very thought-provoking.

habiba, are you still there?

You seem preety resolved to do what you are doing. Why are you on a forum for people recovering from an affair? It certainly doesn't seem to fit your decision process. I wouldn't go to AA if I planned on binge drinking right after... I mean geez... I could be binge drinking right then.


Recovery after an affair is what this place is for. You are not done yet, and you seem to be very resolute in continuing it, so why are you here?

Are you trying to grow morals? Trying to get someone here to say something that will open up your eyes? Hoping?

just curious.

sfjaj...

Can you see, based upon your statements above, that it is how these things will effect you that you are struggling with...it is that selfish view of things that led you to your selfish choice to have an affair...Are you going to continue to allow your selfishness to destroy you, your husband and your children? When will you accept responsiblity for your choices and face the consequences of those choices? Your circumstance will not change until you do...Accepting consequences for choices was not invented by MB...That is life when you are a grown up...When will you choose to grow up and own your choices, as well as their consequences?

Btw, you are the only one here that has a vested interest in your situation...it is you that will reap the benefits if you choose to help you...And, wow, as an additional bonus, for you, your husband will be able to begin healing from what you've thrust upon him...What would you do if you were not afraid? Stop allowing your fears to immobilize your development...It is your family that suffers if you don't learn from this...Avoiding the inevitable will only prolong your misery, sadly, at the expense of your husband and children...

I really do wish you the peace and joy that comes from owning your choices...



Mrs. W

is it painful to you now, habiba? If so, that might be one way to question its place in your life. Incidentally, this site can be for current WS -- what a great learning experience and hope for the future. Don't let anyone chase you off, habiba!

Yes, Sfjaj, still here.

Doing laundry + baby snuggling in between posting.

Oh, goodness, I certainly can relate to that! Habiba, if you at all can, find out about a good Ic for you. It will be helpful on so many levels, especially with regard to honoring yourself. It sounds as though you have beautiful children who need mom at her healthiest. Are you speaking with an IC?

No, I've never had IC. Tried MC but it was pretty useless.

I just get tired of all the "should"s. I feel as if God doesn't want me to be happy or fulfilled, just wants me to do the "right thing" at any cost. And I've done just that for years...just got tired.

Pepperband, yes it's been wonderful. Any thoughts on how to change my perception of the A? I'd like it to stop feeling wonderful so I have incentive to do the right thing.

Pepper, that was a cheap shot.

Habiba, does it feel wonderful, even after the encounters are over? After he returns home to his own wife? Do you feel fulfilled then, or somewhat used? I had to think of it in those terms because I too was in love with the OM. That might begin a bit of a change

Are you honestly saying that seeing your children's faces when they realize you and Grandpa are "a couple" isn't enough to change your perception or give you incentive to end it? Not even a little bit?

Ya know, Habiba just asked Pepperband for incentive to stop, before it was even asked for Pep gave what may very well be the best incentive in the word and you think it's wrong?

Some people need cold hard facts, and the realization that a mother is sleeping with her children's grandfather should be a cold slap in the face to any sane individual.

THIS is why people on here are opposed to your posts. Because so far, everything you seem to be doing is more detrimental and counterproductive. Would you coddle a cocaine addicte while their contemplating quiting or looking for a way out?

Would you be kind and sweet to a child molestor who's coming to the realization that what they do is disgusting and harmful but don't know how to stop so they just keep on doing it?

Your logic is flawed.


FN

child molester?????????? talk about flawed comparisons

Really? Despite the fact that an A has a direct impact on the wellbeing and mental welfare of the children and many WS choose to ignore it?

I'm just saying...


FN

Well no, sfjaj, I am not in recovery. And neither are you. I do not have something from which to RECOVER FROM as I have never had an affair. I am not a WS.

Alcoholics mentor each other, but only EXPERIENCED, SUCCESSFUL, KNOWLEDGABLE folks mentor the newcomers. Newcomers DO NOT mentor other newcomers. UNRECOVERED DRUNKS do not try and help others when they CANNOT HELP THEMSELVES. You are NOT in recovery.

You have been here for TWO weeks and understand NOTHING about Marriage Builders. You cannot help others until you learn to help yourself.

And unfortunately, you may never be able to help yourself because you are NOT HERE TO LEARN, but to dispense bad advice. As they would tell you in AA:

take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth!

Now, I don't expect you understand this concept, because it is clear that REASON IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. But someday, if you ever DO shut up long enough to learn something, maybe you will remember that some here did try to help you.