What still bothers me is we live so close to her and he runs into her every once in awhile at stores ect. She told me one day when I called her to ask her questions, your H was in here this morning told me what car he was driving to get coffee. H said I didnt know you worked here. H did`nt tell ME he ran into her. I told him what I knew, he said he didnt want to tell me because he thought I might get angry. No dice.I believe he knew she worked there and he went to her store to tell her NOT to tell me things ect. The reason for this is because h`s nephew knew she had worked there for 6 years! It`s been 5 years that I know of since he was last visiting her. Their so called FRIENDSHIP lasted for 12?
Even though H is coming straight home form work, not going out at nite, more attentive to me and really working on our marriage I am still bothered I have told him I hate all this. Living so close and knowing he can run into her anytime. We can`t move to another state ect. I know this is where trust comes in, but he was never one to trust.

aptiva- I sympathize, I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom, just support.

My H still goes to the office where the OW works- she is also invited to any/all office parties(guess what's off limits now?) I have no idea what she looks like but she's apparently seen me with him before. Just the knowledge that she may be around is unnerving.

I told H that if he "runs into her" he must be polite but curt. I don't want her to get the idea that he stil pines for her and wants to stop and chat. Obviously, I have no idea if he will adhere to my request, that's the part that sucks!

I think if we felt we could trust them we wouldn't be in this mess, isn't that the whole point?

If you find something that works for you please let me know, I could surely use it.

Chin up girl!

Thanks for your support. Was your H affair PA or EA? really does`nt matter which one it was it still hurts the same does`nt it? How did you find out? I was thinking of putting a trackr on his car to track where he goes because he can get off work hours before and go see her and still get paid for his eight hours.Real nice ha? Im sure he had done that many times before.I can drive by her house and see her car but my H could be in her garage. Really its just a losing battle and Im tired of it all.Im too old for this crap.
You need to find out what this girl looks like. You need to find out all you can about those two.Does H want to work on your marriage? And really he should`nt even be running into her at all.

Yes it was a PA, I found out because someone saw him out for lunch with her about a mile from our house. We were separated at the time and he was constantly coming in and out of "our" house proclaiming his undying love for me and begging me for a second chance. He lied 3 times to my face when I asked him about it. He's a professional athlete, quite popular in the area so I can see why more people would recognize him. He told me he was going to end it in order to have a second chance with the kids and I. He had started IC and was totally committed to changing his behavior.
He came to a hockey game for our son and said goodbye to us in the parking lot at 9:30p.m. by 10:30 p.m. he was in bed with her, after he told her he was ending it. Nice goodbye huh?
I'm a stay at home mom; she's an editor for a magazine;I'm 42 she's 30 this is really tough to handle: It sucks! I recently bought her locally produced magazine and saw her photo; upper end of average but she certainly doesn't look as young as 30. For whatever reason, it made me feel better.
I don't know how to overcome this anger and hurt, if he wants to be one of thoses guys who needs younger women around to make himself feel better than why ask me to stick around-especially with three kids.

Well it took me all these years to dig and finally find out what I guess I always knew. I was asking questions again 12-20 years does it really matter, my poor kids, they never had their father involved with them, he was always too busy with her, he always blamed me for all the fighting they saw through the years to cover HIS stuff up.So they grew up thinking it was always mom. Now they know about her but he had passed it all off as JUST FRIENDS to them. My eldest daughter now 31 resents me has always felt sorry for her dad. Shes blinded, the other 3 29,25 and 18 have no respect for him.I have told them the truth about this girlfriend.Their old enough now to know. So I sit here in tears after he admits he was confused and maybe it was infactuation, but NOW he says he
knows it was all wrong. I hurt so bad because I know it was all wasted on someone I loved with all my heart and my children did`nt have what they should have and its my fault too. I feel he should call a family meeting and admit to them the wrong he has done to all of us through the years to help him truely understand the hurt and pain he has caused us all and to let these kids know and I, he will NOW be the BEST dad and husband he can be so we can all try to heal together. I don`t know what to do.

aptiva, what a great idea. You're kids are old enough and deserve to know the truth. They will still love their dad but maybe they will have a different perspective on the marriage they have been witness to all these yrs(especially your eldest D).

My WH's father just revealed a 17yr affair that is still ongoing. This was revealed as he was placing his wife ina home for alzheimers patients. Not too difficult to understand why this beatiful woman checked out of reality and into permanent denial(alz). It has been helpful for my H because he always idolized dad and his work ethic, now he realizes he wasn't actually working all that time.

His sister is having a more difficult time with it because she too blamed mom for poor dad being unhappy. Now sister has been in relationship where her H has been a serial cheater which she continues to ignore. Hopefully this new developement will allow her to take a stand and demand better treatment from her H.

Sorry, I'm rambling but I vote yay for the family meeting. If he is truly sorry and remorseful he can apologize to everyone for the hurt his actions have caused over the course of all this time.

Thank you I needed some feedback on what someone thought about this, he does need to apologize to ALL of us. We talked or I should say me, its funny how the WS will turn and change things around to suit them. Still lies after all these years. I told him if you really want to work on this marriage and you loved me you would prove anything I wanted anyway I wanted he said how. I said lets go to OW house or call her and get her on the speaker phone and tell her to tell me EVERYTHING about you two. He said I would be embarrassed, I said why? NO ANSWER from him. Right there he admitted guilt and did`nt evn know it. So like the person I am I will dig and keep asking him questions till I get him to TELL the TRUTH.He needs to admit it to me and himself.
On a different note how are you doing? keep in touch with me I am concerned.

Well I told H we was gonna get OW on the phone so he could disprove their relationship. I told him to tell her to tell me everything about them. I dial her number my H says to her...My wife thinks there was something going on between us BANG! that is`nt what I told him to say!!!So big hint to her. She tells me not to bring her into to it. I tell her honey you brought yourself into this when you kept letting him come over your house all these years. So now my blood prssure is up and Im trying to calm myself down. Hubby sure did`nt want this call to happen. Oh well I`ll deal with it just had to vent.

Well he did finally admit that he did care for her and he was confused which I knew. I just had to get him to admit it to me. But one thing he seems to have forgottin was why he was`nt seeing her anymore. I knew something really wrong happened. I know what she had told me early on. But of course his answer was different.Heres his 3

1. I stopped seeing her because I felt she was using me to do things around her house
2. We decided to go our seperate ways before it got going too far
3.a drunken disorderly

I asked what was the drunken disorderly for, H says I was over at her house drunk and acting stupid calling woman names.

Soo knowing my H he pushed himself on her and it scared her, that is the norm for him. So that is why she told me that she told H don`t come around here if your gonna act like that (meaning sexual) Sounds like he went to jail to me. I pick #3. So she got to see the REAL H serves her right.BOy these WS are really something. The lies they can tell even when they know you know the truth about them.Its hard to believe people can be like that. But again when you have something to hide I guess you will go to all lengths to do it. Any way HE will talk to his kids and tell them how sorry he is for what he has done all these years. And if he wants to rebuild this marriage like he says he does well he better start getting some BIG BLOCKS!

Never mind the big blocks, he's going to need truth to lay the foundation for them. Sounds to me at least that he is loosening up somewhat. That must be a good thing. You can't continue until he acknowledges and accepts the responsibiltiy of his decision to begin the A.

May I suggest you don't allow her as much insight into your relationship with your H. Question him until you're satisfied but don't bring her into it, it makes you look deparate.IMHO.

Are you interested in being present while he tells the kids about his remorse? I might suggest it even for the kids to have a dual front, like we've already discussed this now it's time for you guys to hear it. It presents a more united parental front.

Good luck

Yes the kids know about her he has passed her off as a friend of the family but I have told them the truth. my eldest said boy was he living a double life, my others say, boy mom now we know why you was always mad at him through the years.
I will be there with him when he tells the kids but I don`t think H thinks I will have him do this as he has`nt said another word about it. He has never liked to admit what he has done. as it has taken me years to get him to admit he cared for her and still is not truthful fully he probally never will be and this is why I feel this M will not work out anymore. I just told him tonite about my anger and not getting the full truth of this A, he blows it off still and walks away. I tell him how we cannot rebuild if there is`nt honesty between us I really don`t know how he feels about it but his actions say different. I really don`t think he feels remorse because he says he has done nothing wrong but he admits he should`nt have done it

Aptiva, have you been reading the recovery postings? I think you might find some very useful and inspirational posting over there.

This guy likes living in denial, he get the best of both worlds?

Stick to your guns about the honesty policy and I hope he pulls through for you and the kids.

Good luck.

Yes apl I do read a bit of everything here and have learned alot. This H of mine is a tuff cookie.And I do thank you for reading and answering my posts. I am sticking to my guns and won`t let this issue and many others go until he tells the truth about all. Good luck with you and GOD BLESS.

OW called me said she did`nt mean to dial my number. I said it was ok.Ow said she was tired and wanted to go home. I said don`t do that.She brought up them(WH) saying there was nothing sexual, she brought up her H and their marriage and how her H cheated on her and that she would`nt do that to another woman.Again she said she wanted to go home,she was tired of doing everything God wanted and it did`nt help.WH asked who was I talking to I told him,He got upset went out into the garage and stayed there for 5 hours.I went outside and he said I feel like hitting something.I asked him what he was mad for, got no answer.So I came back into the house.I don`t understand all this, her calling, him reacting the way he did.She did say she would call me if he ever came by her house or called her.hmmmmmmmmm

Fastforward to today asked WH what he was angry about yesterday. He said I was angry because you were telling her stuff about me. I said I was only telling the truth about you. How he must have painted a pretty picure of himself for her and a bad one of me.I told him no differnt then you telling her about our marrige,problem ect. I said I SHOULD be the one angry because she is calling here. So it turned into a yelling match which I didnt want, my feelings dont matter, anything I think does`nt matter as long as everything is swept under the mat.I told him your behavior last evening showed me you still care for her and you still care what she thinks about you.When he came in from his hours of being out in the garage he never said a word to me nothing.

Im going to see a Phsycologist tomorrow.I`m tired of these emotions past and present,alot of feelings I held inside for years. I told hubby I should just give into them and have that nervous breakdown,he said don`t.He agrees to counsling, I told him today we were going, he held my hand and rubbed it as we were driving , he has never done this in 31 years, how sad. I did`nt tell him I was going first. I have no idea what to say or even know how to start telling as it is 31 years worth and I may blow her mind.LOL. So I will play it by ear as I never have been to such a person. Hope all goes well

Was quit an interesting visit, talked and cried some, have another appointment. Dr wants to see WH the 18th. He says he has another Dr app (therapy)that same day told him counseling was more important, he did cancel that one.
He still has`nt talked to our children,has`nt read on anything that I have typed out for him or any books. Yes he can`t read very well but I do try and read to him,but he has`nt asked for me to do that either and I have brought that up to him all I get is excuses.He just does`nt seem to put much effort into rebuilding.It just seems that us BS have to put in so much effort into things THAT we have`nt done just to try and rebuild our marriages,sometimes I look at him and think all this is not worth it.I`m looking forward to my next app with the DR which is Tuesday,Im sure she will help me sort alot of issues out, she agrees with me also that WH friendship was not only a EA but a PA too, and hopefully if WH keeps seeing her maybe she can get him to tell the truth about all affairs in the past so we can go forward and heal this broken marriage. Time will tell.

WH went to his first C appointment, he came back and I asked him how it went. He said it was a joke.He acted a bit mad.
He denied the affair to her.I told him if he was going to lie there was no sense in continuing with the C.I told him we might as well stop everything here right now.Did anyone have a
problem like this with their spouse going to C like this? Also now any questions I have about anything he had said we will talk about it with the C, he does`nt wanna talk about anything at home.

WH and I were driving and I asked him what he exspected to get out of counseling, hes says I don`t think it will do anygood.Somehow I knew that was coming. Now I feel like just giving up.Today is a REALLY BAD day for me, I`m angry as he77.I can barely look him in the eye.He has no idea how close I am to getting a divorce.

It has been months since you went to counseling...I am new on this board...but concerned for you. How are you doing?

Thank you for asking, I just started counseling. I`m fine thanks. I know what I need to do as far as WH and me. Hubby just does`nt get it, how I feel inside or does`nt care to, everything is about him. I told him tonite if he does`nt want to go to counseling for us to go for himself. You see tomorrow is going to be our first day going together.I don`t know if he will make it there with me, and if he does I know what I need to do. There is no hope for some marriages.