You know what? You're dealing with marriage issues, IMO, not A issues right now...
Think about it...pre-A, did you share all of yourself without wondering about her reaction? Did you share your opinions freely...?
Choosing not share yourself, any part, based on possible, even probable response is a shortcut we take...don't want the rejection we feel when others feel uncomfortable.
I think we confuse that with putting our partner first...nice-sounding decision to not be real on our part.
What if...
You chose to share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...and she got huffy, hurt, upset, anger, frustrated...whatever...and you remained in listen and repeat mode...safe and non-reactive?
What if you continued to share, the next day, and the next, and she continued to react in the same way...what would you know that you didn't know before?
That she stayed present to be there when you shared...
as you learned to share, anyway.
What would you share? Your fears...owning them when you say, "i've been feeling lately that it was to easy the whole (your) NC w/ the OM."
"in back of my mind i feel that it was just to easy and is just telling me that but there is no way for me to really know except to believe (you)."
"(I) see (your) actions have not been of one who is still having an affair but (I don't know)."
"i want to trust (you) but i just dont right now"
Sharing doesn't mean solving...you share...your fears...they are yours...
"I need help with my fear. When you listen to me, and share with me, I handle my fear and feel better; I believe it will help me rebuild my trust in you and myself."
"if i try to ask her all i get is an i dont want to talk about it. and that not right."
It is right, Saenaz...She doesn't WANT to talk about it...the difference is...NOT talking about is unhealthy...not wanting to is simply not wanting to...no right or wrong...
How have you been doing on hearing your own DJ's? Boundaries? You're in the land of expectations...some of them reasonable and some of the unreasonable...that withdrawal time/not sure of of NC...not joyously working on recovery as a team time (is there such a time? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
I'm very glad to know you do not act from your feelings anymore...when you feel like leaving, you think about it instead of acting on it...or LBing...our feelings come from our beliefs...and they can give us false feelings from false beliefs...weeding them out helps a lot. Empowers us...and I found...opens up real compassion and understanding inside...which can't help but get outside.
Hanging in there doesn't have to be hanging, Saenz.
LA
