It never occurred to me that I need to embrace all of me. It was like a slap, LOL! Then, you wrote perfectionist, I can add this to my list, I've said in the past, "Do it right the first time and it's less work that you have to do!" This is a villager of mine! It's here because I need acknowledge, admiration, it's part of my work ethic. I believe in hard work, and doing a job to the best of my ability.

I do believe that all human are opinionated and we do have the choicce to express our opinion when, where and how we choice. What gets me specifically is when I don't need a person's opinion, when I need only for someone to listen. That's what gets under my skin the most. I'm not looking for a fix, just an ear! It's definitily like I'm trying to be influenced into thinking otherwise, that I NEED the opinion.


I've come to the conculsion with yesterday's little conversation with DH, that I do this as a result of poor communication on my part because when I'm not acknowledged or understood. I act out in order to protect self. It's my inner child! LOL Feeling misunderstood as I had so many times growing up...being told what I thought, or what "actually" happened and it not being the truth.


Yes, I do fear others seeing me as boring, uninteresting, also that I'm not interested in them! I believe that was one of the problems with the Ns, just because I wasn't visiting like I did pre-D-day, that I wasn't interested in them. Wondering why they couldn't unserstand that it was about me, trying to figureme out, doing what was best for me, concentrating on me.

I see temper tantrums, lies, playing games, trying to manipulate, playing both ends against the middle, gossiping, and backstabbing! It's like being in HS all over again, think you have a friend when you don't! Knowing that you have to keep that person in your back pocket, sort to speak, because it seems like they do things to cause confusion, and trouble. It burns me up. Question is why not distance myself from these people, why not push them aside? I believe we all have to deal with people that we do not like, knowing that they are the way they is easier. They're not going to change unless they want to, so I've learned to tolerate them to keep the peace. It's my choice, to tolerate and to keep the peace, just know they are harmful to self, keep a healthy distance.


I feel like I have a healthy balance between the two now, but all to often I've felt that way in the past, remarking "I'm not a slave or your slave!" More so with the kids, because whatever is needed at that moments is something that they can do themselves. I've started to delegate some responsibles to the kids so that I don't feel overwhelmed, trying to take on the world. I'm letting others, built their own sandbox, instead of trying to have everyone play in mine. Control, yeap! I'm letting go!


I'll revisit the rest of the post starting with Dishonest/deception another time. It's raining out, no RC time today, but I would really like to go to a movie. I'm hoping DH and I go! If not I might bring the kids, I'll decided later!

It's like lying to myself, living in my own fantasy world, chosing to be naive, not wanting to know the truth. For months before D-day, I knew that H was talking to OW, going to lunch with OW! H and I would argue alot about her being "friends" with him. We even met up with her and her family one night at a restuarant, and H said that she was there. Instead of walking to the table to say HI, we went to the waiting area, H called her from his cell phone, and she never came. I chewed him out for how he handled the situation, I hear she did too. I was trying to convince myself that there was nothing going on, but I knew. I was certain that I was stopping something with OW before it started. This is my major example of self-deceit. I knew, I knew, I knew it was a EA, not a PA!

And what did self-deception tell you when you asked it, "Why are you in me?"

I'm delighted you realized how being a perfectionist is an unreal desire...and what you expect from yourself, you will expect from others. Now, what did you hear when you asked why Perfectionist was in you?

"What gets me specifically is when I don't need a person's opinion, when I need only for someone to listen." We are only intimate through our opinions...knowing what we think, feel and believe and sharing that is intimacy. Being clear on what you are asking of another person..."I would like to be heard, not fixed. Is it all right with you if I share something of me?" You can't make them listen--and you can respect if they say, "Right now, I want desperately to fix something in you to avoid myself...would that be okay?"

LOL

Okay, so that hasn't happened to me...outloud.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Excellent insight into petulance...communicating clearly, as it was demonstrated to you...and it not being clear communication at all...this villager was trying to help you be heard, understood...because you were taught to read others, not hear them. Would you say that's close?

Insipid...the more you find yourself fascinating...and that's a definite byproduct of this journey you're on, I think, the less you have to make yourself fascinating...the more amazing others will be to you...naturally. What you do for yourself, you'll do for others...how you view yourself, you view others...it's that two-way street...and your fear of being insipid (why would God make anyone that way?) will dissolve...and you'll know it's not at work for you when you no longer see others in that light and react to it.

Immaturity...High School..."It burns me up." Sounds to me like you found some more villagers..."I see temper tantrums, lies, playing games, trying to manipulate, playing both ends against the middle, gossiping, and backstabbing!"

Wanna go there?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Wanna beat me over the head with something?

LA

Sure, what the heck? You got yyour 2x4s ready? Hehe!

Real quick...Profectionist..fear of failure! LOL

The rest for later! I like my coffee string, thanks! LOL

Perfectionist-wanting to be accepted, loved, and admired, fear of failure; not living up to my own expections, self-image!

Dishonest/disception/manipulation-self-image, again wanting to be accepted, loved, and admired- putting on a front/mask to say "we're great, I'm great, couldn't be better!" Hiding!

Temper-tamtrum- innner child wanting to be acknowlegded

Impatience-inner child, not knowing what self-control is, wanting what I want when I want it, it's fear that it won't get done, changes will not be made in me, Fear of not being at peace with myself.

I have a few more, but I'm in no rush...

Back to you, Rin...

Perfectionist...from what you listed, does this villager come from your belief we earn love and security? Come from your fear of not being enough...so doing is the thing?

Deception--to yourself and others...same fear, same place as perfectionist...protecting from reality, which would teach self, you can't handle reality as it is?

Can you go further with temper-tantrum? Making your vulnerable self visible, powerful, forcing acknowledgment or biting back to stop feeling bit?

Impatience...you nailed it.

LA

Yes, that's where my belief was! I was told numerous times growing up that I wouldn't amount to anything, that I wouldn't go to college, that I would never be accepted because of my husband. I was told that my kids would not be accepted, that I wouldn't have anything, I would lose the house we brought. So, this need to do things until I got them right was for acceptance, fear of rejection, trying to prove my worth to others. Hoping that if I did something well enough or great enough, that I would have their respect, love, acceptance, appreciation.

No, I couldn't handle reality. I was always trying my hardest to make things appear better than they were because I was trying to prove that I WAS someone. I never stops to think that the only someone that matter was me! I'm not sure when I started thinking I was successful, it was a few years ago. I have more now than I've ever had in my life. I've accomplished more than my parents probably ever dreamed. I was the first in the family to go to college, much less graduate, and I paid for it myself, working three jobs sometimes. How could I not feel like I'm a success now? I have a wonderful H, for the most part, and fabulous kids! I am loved and am learning to love myself everyday.

It's a fear others seeing me as a failure. It's okay if I fail and no one knows. I don't want others viewing my abusive childhood or anything else as an excuse of why I can't/don't do something. I can do anything I put my mind to, for me, for my family, for anything I chose.

Temper-tantrums- definitly inner child kicking and screaming to be acknowledge, to be heard, to be accepted. It's a result of not being able to express myself adequatly. Lack of proper communication skills to get my point across, almost like I stopped developing them at some point. Being told so many times that whatever I do, feel, think, believe, and even my ideas were not true...didn't exist...I used this to fight for me.

Sometimes I would want to be invisible, so that I could prove to self that I could do whatever it was that I was told I couldn't accomplish.

How do you get angry with a 4 year old for not being able to remember their phone number? How do you throw up your hands and give up on that child? I couldn't! Every child is valuable!

Bump for me!

Rin,

Thamks for this:

"So, this need to do things until I got them right was for acceptance, fear of rejection, trying to prove my worth to others. Hoping that if I did something well enough or great enough, that I would have their respect, love, acceptance, appreciation."

That, in a nutshell, has been me all my life. I think that is perhaps one of the biggest factors I have to face in dealing with my H's affair. Even though I know he owns his choice completely (my head tells me that all the time), there is this little tiny voice that nags at me, saying I must have failed somewhere, that I fell short, that maybe I am not good enough.

Of course, rationally and logically, I can talk myself out of those thoughts, but the feelings are something else. Knowing where the feelings come from, and what lies behind them is helping me to move forward in all of this a little bit at a time. It's not easy, but it's do-able.

I am still clinging to my new found peace, embracing my sadness because I have much to grieve for, taking each day as it comes, and praying for God's will to be done. It is easier with the support of those here at MB. Thanks.

Rin and Lizzie...

Rin, you really did say it so well...and Lizzie, that voice is coming from your belief...directly. It was a belief you adopted as yours from a really early age...a small child...earning love...know that voice for what it is...not your adult self.

Rin said:
"that I would have their respect, love, acceptance, appreciation."

This is why this owning all your villagers exercise was very important to me...I could see more clearly others attempting to earn those same things...with false defenses (from fear)...like fear can get you love...

This is why I urge us to give ourselves respect (act respectfully toward ourselves and others), choose to love (no earning...acting); appreciate our choices (both ways); and accept our selves, and we will accept others. These very things we crave are what we are not giving to ourself, and often, what we do not give to others honestly, with dedication.

Not from malice, being wrong or bad...being human...losing our focus; trying to live from the outside in...and you know what?

Inside is okay.

All of it.

Link your head to your heart...know what resonates as truth within you...live it and stay aware of those old beliefs...when we aren't aware, they run our lives...we live in mess, chaos...reactive living. When you do this, hold your focus here, on your true goals...intent...to act from love, not fear...to listen and respect...to state who you are...you will see the world differently; others will not be who you've judged them to be...and you will know your joy, sorrow, what you need to grieve and what is not yours to grieve...and you will thrive.

God's design is gorgeous...as are you both...inside and out. Each time you encounter your villager, know it for what it is...a protective device from fear...know you are fearing...and find the belief behind it.

I think, Rin, you will find less turmoil and chaos when you stop measuring...laying down those devices...because they are from fear...gauges, yard sticks...from this very belief that you earn your life...instead of live it.

You said it well, Lizzie...facing infidelity calls out all sorts of voices, old beliefs, with fear spikes...and centering yourself in today, right now, knowing what you feel and why you're feeling it...owning all of yourself...is the biggest challenge you face...and you share that challenge with a lot of other people...you're not alone.

Be brave and true to yourself...awareness is wisdom in the making...

Same for you, Rin...and for me. Sharing your selves here is an endless gift, I believe. Thank you.

LA

So, What's the next part of this groovy assignment? LOL So far so good, I'm having fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You've completed the exercise, Rin...and knowing you, as I believe I do...you might have one more to go to know you've really done it...

So...this part is for you:

Look back on your list of people and as you read their name, stop and sit for a minute, and listen to your feelings and thoughts...write down if they differ or are the same as when you first wrote them on your list...

And let me know.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

I will return to you the answer another day!

OOkkay, LA, you may or may not be shocked that I'm back here so soon with me answer but I am!

Yes, I feel strongly different about these people and even people not on my list!

Human being learn and take in messages recieved by people they love and respect the most. We characterize ourselves when we are the most impressionable, unfortunately we sometimes can not see what is in us all along. All the people on my list, which were six to be matter of fact, use their characterist for survival. Defensive mechanism for fear of rejection, fear of worthlessness, fear of being unloved, fear...Basically, I understand that we are all just trying to do the best we have with what we think we know. Until we are able to accept ourselves for who we really are without the layers we have piled upon ourselves, we will never feel what we are in need of the most. Never find ourselves, never understand our importance. We will never understand what we are looking so hard to find whether it be love, acceptance, acknowledgement, comfort, our dreams, appreciation...

Yesterday, I felt like I was walking with God, he was holding my hand...it was a strange feeling for me since only a week or so ago I asked God to come into my heart. I don't think that I have ever been so sincere and the words I needed to find flowed so freely from my mouth...before then I believed in God but that's about as far as it went...I believed that he had a plan and only called upon him in my most desparate moment...like when OS was sick...

We're all just trying to do the best we can with what we've got. Had I not learned that the characteritics in me were the things I disliked the most in our people, I would not have had the opportunity to see my own weaknesses. For this lesson, LA, I thank you! It's been a wonderful learning experience.

Thank you for the stopped DJ...see how respectful you're getting? And I'll answer that question about being shocked...or not...because it was yes and no...yes because of who you are and no, because of who you are...

You're this fountain, Rin...unlocking yourself, clearing out a lot of debris and buildup...a glorious sight seeing you flowing...a privilege.

I don't see my villagers as weaknesses...I see them as false strengths...beliefs and permissions created on bad information...and knowing we have them, in us, the whys...help us to not call on them unaware...and be alert for when we are in them...to know the fear directly...not fight it...more to understand it better...understanding us, better.

I'm glad you realize now you're walking with God...when I said you're not alone, many posts ago...that is what I meant. He doesn't leave you, Rin. When you weep, he weeps with you...when you feel joy, he's right there, too...like waking up to your wonderful self...all of you, every part...that is admiring, loving, appreciating and accepting his creation...and adding another sense...feeling him right there...just unblocking...

Embracing humans as humans--what a delight to know you have this now...which tells me you're embracing your self, your lovely human self, as well. Now begin on boundaries...and standards...so you have your code to act from...and respect each person you meet has the same ability, capability, of doing what you did...they have their way...respect they are choosing their life, even as you are choosing yours, right now.

And remember to stay present...you didn't know this, accept this before...no "never" to it...nor for others...you know now...and as you know more, you'll grow more...a process, not a race.

I guess I'll post this here, though it would be apt on your other thread...if you have the expectation for less emotional ups and downs (think of a wavy line and draw you as the line through it, a steady, straight line), please put that expectation aside. What you will experience will seem similar...the waves are constant information...from a lifetime...and you get to know and understand the old, there will be new...I tell you this because you seem to me to be an achiever...and as you get this peace, this acceptance and appreciation brewing inside you, you may be unprepared for the waves because you will experience a lot of peace...still you, Rin, steady and straight, with information...not good or bad...just information for you, about you.

We are human beings...not human doings...this achiever you've been for so long is going to niggle you, I think...and may urge you to look at others in your life, who you very much want along for the ride...know they are...with you and separate...and changing you, changes everything. Love that achiever...she worked hard and long for you...she's going to feel unemployed...give her the task of being alert and present...tell her how much you love her and you need her help to be...just be.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((Rin)))))) Sharing who you are here is priceless. Thank you very much for allowing me in...

LA

Bumping for LLG...and anyone else.

This isn't a one-time exercise, I've recently discovered.

Only works if you work it.

LA

Hi, I hope y'all don't mind that I join you so late, but I know you'll fogive me, knowing we're all ready at different times.

Making the list wasn't the difficult part. The difficult part is seeing that the worst of these traits could possibly exist in me. Because part of my beliefs is that my kids are safe from me, at least, because I am so far from having the traits that would make a kid unsafe. If I had believed that this all lived inside of me, I don't know that I would have had kids.

Here's my list:
deceptive 3
thoughtless
selfish 2
predatory
crazymaking 3
abusive 3
divisive 2
hateful
scheming
irresponsible 2
helpless 3
sneaky
bossy
controlling 3
mean
judgmental 5
nit-picky
blaming 2
hurtful
neglectful 3
incompetent
angry
thieving
dishonest
know-it-all

My feel like my list looks so long compared to everyone's! I have been judgemental for a long time, I think, to separate myself from the ways I had been unsafe being around others with no boundaries in place to protect myself all that time.

Forgive? Fer what? Being a delight and a rockin' human being?

I don't THINK that needs forgiveness. I'm very excited you are doing this...

First, consolidation...grouping...

How about by intent?

Can be unintentional

thoughtless
selfish 2
irresponsible 2
helpless 3
helpless 3
bossy

In between intentional and unintentional
mean
judgmental 5
neglectful 3
incompetent
angry
know-it-all

Intentionally:
predatory
crazymaking 3
abusive 3
divisive 2
hateful
scheming
sneaky
controlling 3
nit-picky
blaming 2
hurtful
thieving
dishonest

What do you think of these groupings and could you combine some which mean the same thing to you inside within the groups?

Feel free to shuffle...only you know how you see these...

LA

I feel a little indignant that these aren’t in me, LOL, but I will step out one by one and as you said, absorb that they are, and ask why.
o Unintentional

thoughtless/selfish/bossy – I see this as trying to impose my will on others regardless of what is fair or good for them. This isn’t very often, but when I do, it is really something I give false justification for by feeling that I’ve bent over backwards so far for everyone else that I deserve to have my own way sometimes. Even though I could have had my own way through boundary enforcement instead.

Irresponsible/helpless – Whoah, big thing to own here! This is one over the years that I have worked the hardest on, yet I still have to be vigilant, because it keeps sneaking in. Right now, I want to go change career fields so bad, but I continue looking for work in my field because part of me feels that I owe my H this, and part of me thinks, “How important is it?” I do this to let go of the consequences. Although I am learning that letting go of the results is something I need to do whether I make my own choices, or choose to see myself as led around by others.

o In between intentional and unintentional

Mean/angry – This is an extension of the traits above, thoughtless/selfish/bossy, only now adding intent. I want to add that I am feeling grief here, too, because my sole target for this trait coming out has been my H, and we are both paying dearly for that cycle now with our empty love banks &#61516;. This trait served me by helping me feel a false sense of control, by lashing out to show myself and H that indeed I am autonomous, and to try to balance out our relationship

judgmental/know-it-all - This served me by creating a gap in my mind between myself and those who I would not allow myself to be. It wasn’t O&H, I can see that I have these villagers just like they do

incompetent – wow, is it possible to neglect yourself? This is an extension of the irresponsible/helpless above. I can also see how I’ve been neglectful to my kids in shirking my responsibility to shield them from witnessing toxic behavior towards others in their presence from both myself and others. This stings because I’d vowed never to do this, but it served me by allowing me to stay in denial

o Intentional:

predatory, divisive, thieving, and crazymaking – I don’t own this as part of me. I am open to hearing what I’m missing, but today, I really don’t see it

abusive/controlling –I have used abusive strategies like AOs, DJs, and SDs because I didn’t take the time or effort to find more respectful ways to get my needs met, and I didn’t trust others to self-care without intervention

hateful/hurtful – this is the next level of the mean/angry above. The purpose is to protect myself from hurt by pushing those that would hurt me FAR away

scheming/sneaky/dishonest – I have used these traits as a teen to get out of responsibilities I didn’t want

Neglectful/nit-picky/blaming – I see this as the escalation of the incompetent above, using this to shift blame to put off making needed change

Out of order thoughts here from me...

"o Unintentional

Irresponsible/helpless – Whoah, big thing to own here! This is one over the years that I have worked the hardest on, yet I still have to be vigilant, because it keeps sneaking in. Right now, I want to go change career fields so bad, but I continue looking for work in my field because part of me feels that I owe my H this, and part of me thinks, “How important is it?” I do this to let go of the consequences. Although I am learning that letting go of the results is something I need to do whether I make my own choices, or choose to see myself as led around by others."

What do these traits tell you when you ask them why they are in you?

What if it is your very vigilance which is harming you and others in your life? What if you see others as irresponsible because you have made it your highest priority to take responsibility...and have...for what was not and is not yours at all? When you are helpless to control outcomes, results...only your own stuff...what if this riles you, shouldn't be like this...because you haven't given yourself true freedom and responsibility?

There's pain in unreality...lots of it. Vigilance for what is not yours to control is crazymaking...painmaking...and you're signalling yourself through judging others, that this judging is what self wants you most to let go of...because self doesn't deserve it...and you're choosing to believe the PERSON is irresponsible...instead of acting irresponsibly.

No one is helpless.

"thoughtless/selfish/bossy – I see this as trying to impose my will on others regardless of what is fair or good for them. This isn’t very often, but when I do, it is really something I give false justification for by feeling that I’ve bent over backwards so far for everyone else that I deserve to have my own way sometimes. Even though I could have had my own way through boundary enforcement instead."

This is the payoff for resentment...signalled by justification...justification comes from fear, not love...know the signals. If anything, I believe because your focus has been so intensively external, that you have been seriously thoughtless/bossy/irresponsible to self...and what your crossed signals have told you is to be MORE selfless (ignore self) in order to NOT be thought of (externally) as selfish.

Great catch, btw. I know I'm not telling you what you don't know already. This is for me. All me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"o In between intentional and unintentional

Mean/angry – This is an extension of the traits above, thoughtless/selfish/bossy, only now adding intent. I want to add that I am feeling grief here, too, because my sole target for this trait coming out has been my H, and we are both paying dearly for that cycle now with our empty love banks &#61516;. This trait served me by helping me feel a false sense of control, by lashing out to show myself and H that indeed I am autonomous, and to try to balance out our relationship"

What does mean and angry tell you when you ask them why are they in you? They fought your fear...came from it...to protect you from feeling helpless, powerless over others and therefore, could be harmed by them...they came because they love self. They know it and love it. They are your signal you're ignoring something, your Giver is being abject and a doormat...and self is feeling degraded...and self does not need to be degraded. Could it be that when you see others being mean or angry, you experience their fear and pain underneath those...moreso than the aggression they represent? Do you actually react more to fear and pain in others, and in yourself?

Grief...mourning as you say...excellent choice, EO. You had an inner circle...intimacy builds trust...and you were taught we beat our inner circle (including ourselves) and treat the rest of the world respectfully, cautiously...falsely. Please grieve and forgive. This was learned behavior...which you are relearning as an adult. Flipping your behavior to match your priorities will give you that peace, that easing off of all the judgment...because you now realize you can choose to treat yourself tenderly, lovingly, with acceptance and celebration...and so will you treat your DH and your children (who may be part way in that inner circle or growing towards being in it, or there already)...and ironically, by letting go what others think...the strangers, the non-intimates (which comes from fear), you will treat them most likely the same, to a lesser degree.

"judgmental/know-it-all - This served me by creating a gap in my mind between myself and those who I would not allow myself to be. It wasn’t O&H, I can see that I have these villagers just like they do"

I want you to ask judgment and know-it-all again to tell you why they are in you...there is more than false protection...it feeds your premise in life from way back...comes directly from a certain belief...ask them again for me, 'k?

"incompetent – wow, is it possible to neglect yourself? This is an extension of the irresponsible/helpless above. I can also see how I’ve been neglectful to my kids in shirking my responsibility to shield them from witnessing toxic behavior towards others in their presence from both myself and others. This stings because I’d vowed never to do this, but it served me by allowing me to stay in denial"

Wow...is it possible to neglect yourself? I'm ROFLMAO...yes, yes and you so know this!! From judgment, you get incompetent...why would they do that? Don't they KNOW better? Fear of not figuring something out, seeing danger where it is obvious, missing the step that will tumble your life...big fear...pervasive...we are not incompetent...because we can't be. You know how we were created...incompetent isn't part of that, is it? Fear of incompetency...via harsh judgment...could it be this was what you created in yourself as your way to know you're making progress, seeing danger, staying vigilant and to artificially heighten your awareness to an extreme? To protect you...where you are not being attacked any longer.

"o Intentional:

predatory, divisive, thieving, and crazymaking – I don’t own this as part of me. I am open to hearing what I’m missing, but today, I really don’t see it"

Predatory means someone taking what is not theirs, making a victim...have you taken responsibility that was not yours? Have you stolen blame from others as an act of kindness? Have you attempted to separate your DH from a bad habit? Have you told anyone that they shouldn't feel what they feel...don't feel that way...think what they think...believe what they believe? (crazymaking) I know you're open...geniune...because you are human, EO. What you have stalked and attempted to get through manipulation was predatory...you could even say that attempting to get our needs met from the outside is...because we have no control...can't earn, force or influence enough to change that eternal human fact...

And when you look at predatory in that way...hunting for our own needs, wants and desires...you can see it created from the false belief we have that we earn our needs being met...especially by meeting others' needs. Not an awful thing...a human one.

Divisive...to inject discord...is that what you read that as? Would life be balanced if good were only defined as unifying? What is separate and equal if not divisive? What if the extremes of these villagers is what you're seeing...and you already know, anything to the extreme is not healthy. Find the pieces and parts, the 90 degrees of these, EO...ask them how they serve you, 'k?

And if you believe in some tiny part of you that you aren't lovable as is...created that way...then you may believe you steal the love you have...your children don't know any better...your DH wouldn't love you if he really knew you...and in essence, you are living a thieving life (or lived) because you believe you got it from the outside...when in actuality, you had it all along. What do you think?

Could the thievery also be felt from the undeserving belief you have...the remnants of earning love...that some people don't deserve to be...if they are being loved, anyway, it's like stealing what shouldn't be theirs?

"abusive/controlling –I have used abusive strategies like AOs, DJs, and SDs because I didn’t take the time or effort to find more respectful ways to get my needs met, and I didn’t trust others to self-care without intervention"

Take the time? You mean I could have taken the time to know? I don't get that, EO. I can only know what I know, when I know it...and darn sure make sure of knowing what I don't know...until I do. Why are you abusing yourself right here, now, in this post? Would that be an SD to self? What if...you didn't know what respect was? Hadn't learned to cut through what you were taught and what was real? Would all the time in the world, taking it (stealing, predatory taking), have changed that, when you were being told differently by people you believed knew the truth?

Accepting self...as is...and knowing you are limited by your experience, by what you can control...and knowing intimately, surely, what you can't control...is very hard for you. This exercise is for you to embrace all of you...love that you were abusive and wanted constant control...because these were created inside you to protect your self...from constant abandonment, injury, attack, pain, suffering...all undue and irrelevant. These came from love of self and fear of others...loving yourself (ACCEPTING) and no longer fearing yourself will allow you to love others freely and fear them less. The enemy is us, our false self...not true self. I promise.

"hateful/hurtful – this is the next level of the mean/angry above. The purpose is to protect myself from hurt by pushing those that would hurt me FAR away"

Perceiving that others push pain into us...when in fact, it is in us, coming from within...gears down the hateful/hurtful to mean/angry...accepting those as best-known for what we knew then (waaay back then)...goes a long way to accepting who you really are, EO.

"scheming/sneaky/dishonest – I have used these traits as a teen to get out of responsibilities I didn’t want"

Awww...ask 'em again...please?

"Neglectful/nit-picky/blaming – I see this as the escalation of the incompetent above, using this to shift blame to put off making needed change"

What if you hated seeing it in others because it hurt so much in yourself? Neglecting, stridently judging and finding fault? What if that was self signalling you...stop! Please!

Wow, I really triggered all over your post, EO. Lots of me in there...re-experienced...what if the crutch here is because you are so very lovable, you draw love to you, and it's your crucial crutch so you don't have to love and accept yourself? I felt it powerfully while writing this...my deep urge for you to stop doing all these things to your self...your precious, obviously wonderful self.

That was me. Hope I didn't get in the way.

LA