WH asked if I could keep the kids Saturday night (his usual visitation) so he could attend a wedding with OW. I have let him know that I am having an issue with me enabling the hypocrisy of him and his mistress attending someone's vow exchange.

Really, it is none of my business what he needs the extra time for. But the catty part says that OW needs to understand that his kids have him on Saturday night-she will have to do without him one night a week.

I don't have any clear cut objectives, no message to send really. If I refuse to watch the kids, he will just think I am being petty. Nothing bad will happen on my end if I watch the kids. I guess I just hate thinking of OW and WH gazing into each other's adulterous eyes as they dream of their own wedding.

Do I babysit the kids so the infidels can attend a wedding? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 04/06/06 12:59 PM
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If you said no, would he take the kids with him?

Have the kids been around OW so far?

What do you ususally do on nights the kids are with him?

Are you acquainted with the bride/groom as well - or is this an OW connection?

What do you think is the right thing to do for your kids? - for the marriage?

WAT

If you said no, would he take the kids with him?
Very unlikely, if they are around OW, he is in contempt of court

Have the kids been around OW so far?
No, at all, he just talks on the phone to her when the kids are around

What do you ususally do on nights the kids are with him?
Enjoy the quiet in the house, eat food that they hate, watch a movie that they would hate, nothing major.

Are you acquainted with the bride/groom as well - or is this an OW connection?
I would assume it is an OW connection as he did not mention who was getting married.

What do you think is the right thing to do for your kids? - for the marriage?
For the kids, me keeping them. He will be mad if he has to miss the wedding and he may be nasty to the kids.

For the marriage, who can tell. I am in plan A as I have not been able to get him even to the cake eating stage.

Well, I suggest you keep the kids and he forfeits his turn, thus proving OW is more important to him, and your kids are more important to you than making a point. The point would be lost on him anyway.

For comparison, I ALWAYS gladly welcomed my son (unless I had unavoidable conflicts) whenever my WW asked. I felt it was a matter of principle that overrides making a point on lesser principles.

Alternatively, inform him you have other plans - "so, so sorry" - and spend the evening writing your Plan B letter.

JMHO

WAT

You are right WAT. I should keep the kids so they will not have to deal with WH's bad mood. Plus, is I act petty, he will "punish" me by giving me the silent treatment for a few weeks. The kids are so much happier when we are able to have a civil exchange.

And he will not get any point that I try to make by refusing to keep the kids. He has a justification for everything he does.

I think I will just ask him not to discuss his recent church activities with me (apparently, OW has helped him find the path to righteousness <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

You know, I would probably let him go and keep the kids. When I was in my acting out phase and went to weddings I felt rather guilty sitting there and listening to the vows being exchanged. Maybe it will affect him the same way.

Plus it just shows your kids that you are willing to keep them no matter what, while he is willing to sacrifice a night for the sake of the OW.

Grab some pizza, video and have a fun night with them.

So, why aren't you in Plan B?

I voted NO!



This is not catty, IMO. Knowledge is power. The infidels are narcisstic by nature. The OW wants all of his attention and may even be using this as an EXCUSE to keep him from having the children over the weekend. If you do this once, Jean, there's a danger that this will become a pattern.



I see this as a BATTLE for you and it's necessary to have clear-cut objectives to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Steve Harley encouraged me to use any means possible to break up the affair. You don't want to make their affair easy and convenient for him. Plus, you do not want to assume the role of the BABYSITTER. You are HIS WIFE, THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN. He is their FATHER and has responsibility for being with them. He should be home with them. Given that he is not, they need to be his priority on the weekend. Let her go to the wedding alone. Let them find a babysitter. Whatever you do, you do not want to make this easy for them and/or to condone his irresponsibility and narcissism.



I doubt this. You may be romanticizing this particular event too much. Sad to say. They are gazing into each others' eyes..wedding or not...YUCK!

From what I understand, plan B is to occur after a good plan A. My goal is to be able to get him to the point where I am meeting some need from him. Right now, I am just the chick that is raising his children.

He sort of planB'd me for a couple of months. We did go through a third party for all communication.

My WH left 3 weeks after D-Day and has been angry with me since D-day. He is either the most delusional man I know, or he is consumed with guilt and self loathing and I catch the brunt of it.

He is not causing me much discomfort now. The love for my real H is intact and safe. He is just too far on the other side of the fence right now. I would like him to at least approach the fence before I plan B.

I have a thread here somewhere, if you want to give me a hand with advice. I don't get many responses, so any help is appreciated.

Here is my thread. Jean36 Thread

About the pettiness part..

IMO, he is essential to gain the respect of the WS.

I doubt your WH will feel GUILTY about anything at this point...

His focus is on BINGING off of the OW...

Their goal is to work out a system to have the children for as minimal time as possible...well, this certainly is the OW's goal...

So I would say that you definitely do not want to accept that role...

Not babysitting, IMO, is a very strategic and important move for you...

Good ole mimi! How can someone NOT love her???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course she has a point, but this struck me:

Sign me up for THAT pattern!! I'll take my son 100% of the time, no questions asked!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT
-------------------
Embrace your inner fish.

I'm feeling the LOVE, WAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I meant a pattern of WH trying to get out of weekend visitations. Before you know it, NO VISITATIONS..
See what I mean?

Ah. You were a step ahead of me!

Might work. But it might work both approaches, huh? He keeps asking for babysitting, she keeps accepting, and Jean works it to get that to be the norm because it HAS been.

BTW Jean - how much are you charging him for babysitting? Around here the going rate is $20/hr per kid. More if a schedule change is needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT
--------------------
Embrace your inner fish.

Thanks guys for the input. As far as feeling like just the babysitter, I have pitched a fit a while back about him using a babysitter during his visits. We are supposed to have first right of refusal, if he needs a sitter, he has to call me first.

So he did that, and I still gave him a hard time because of what he needed a babysitter for. I did tell him that I would be happy to keep the kids so he and OW could visit a swingers club - but the church thing just creeps me out.

Anyway, during the hours I was mulling my decision, something changed with him and OW and he decided he didn't need a sitter since he wouldn't be going to the wedding.

Jean:

You were kidding, right?

You would rather your WH go to a swingers club than to a church service?

Can you explain this?

You'd rather him have SF with even more women?

Keep in mind that this is your H although wayward.

Do you have hopes of Recovery?

Seems like reconciliation would be hard with a WH that you know has been to swingers club and openly telling you about it.

Acceptance of this is not part of PLAN A...

Wow..

I'm shaking my head, Jean..if you were serious...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

No I was not serious, sorry to freak you out. That just seems like a more appropriate place for two adulterers to be instead of at church.

Jean:

Whew!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But there are loads of adulterers in churches...

Even the ministers...unfortunately...

My H would leave church..as a deacon..and spend the rest of Sunday afternoon and evening and sometimes the whole night with the OW..Yuck...