Hi, my Husband and I are separated for 9 months already for a personal issue that he needed to take care because it was destroying our marriage, but a few days ago I found out that he post his profile as single man on myspace.com and I got mad and I ask him and he say that he just wanted to talk to people because he does not have any friends and he feels lonely. I ask him why he post his profile as single instead of married and he said that the fact that we are separated means we are single.

But I am so confused, he does not resolve his personal issue but yes he is posting a profile on the net, is this means that he cheating on me or what?

I really need help....

Rochio

rochio...

your husband has been out for 9 months to work on things...

the question is has he worked on anything...
no matter the issue has he done anything about the issue...

what is his plan....to work on things....

if he has no plan
and in nine months has done nothing to work on anything...

then he has already answered your questions....

time for you to set some boundaries

part of the issue is that he's not mastering any tasks...

if he is going to move out...then he needs to do so WITHOUT abandoning the children....

he needs to step up to the plate on this one...

you need boundaries of clearly defined contact where he no longer gets to just be off by himself doing nothing...

you need to quit talking relationship talk....
all of it..
there's no point..
he will not face the actions he needs to based on his decisions...and going to him to solve anything will drive you crazy and be futile...

he owns this not you...

there are good ways to do things
and the there are bad ways..
so far he has chosen the bad way...

your job is to not participate in it...
you need to show him a strong confident you...who is no longer going to drag him around in a wagon behind him..
lighting fires to do the right thing...

you need to present him with the right opportunities to tune back in to the childrens lives...
set a time limit on how long you will either tolerate his refusal...
and drop the wagon handle..

OR
you will find that he steps up to the plate.
masters some tasks of really being a good DAD no matter his confusion...

start there..
you also need to quit focusing on his journey...
remove yourself from his journey and start to make choices and decisions based on you and the children...and not his illusive search to find himself....

ARK

1. seek out a lawyer to be informed of your rights...
establishing support....for you and the children

2. create a visitation schedule....discuss and decide if you want to do family things together....
he no longer gets to be out of the house and play make believe that he does not have responsbilities...

3. you need to surround yourself with supportive people and activities so that you are not wallowing in the wake of his leaving you....

4. you need to quit asking him about his choices..his actions identify his choices...
give him what he says he wants...

ARK

Thank you very much ARK for reply.

My husband did nothing about us in all this time, we have a business, a dealership and all that he is been doing is work 24/7 on it. I kept asking to do something about us and he keep saying that on the time will help him.

I about 3 months he finally go to the doctor, for a check out and this doctor is the one I told him to go, basicly I find the doctor, I bougth two book (his nees her needs) one for me and one for him and send it to him, I looked for a physcolist and I told him about it and finally he decided to go to see him.
But can you see I am the one who is doing everything.
We talk over the phone or email and sometimes we see each other because his mom had a big surgery and I ask him what is what he wants and he said whe wants us to be together but not until he gets help. We dont have any childrens its just me and him.

When I told him about his profile in the internet he said that I was not a big deal and he already deleted.

So now that he is going to do something about us, that he is going to see my physcologist should I wait or should I do what you said. The thing is that I love him like crazy and I dont know if I can do that. I tried some many times and does not work because I called him again and basicly I am begging him.

I want to be strong and tell him what I want and give him like and ultimatum lets say like a month or so, Do you think is a good idea?

Rocio

Thank you very much ARK for reply.

My husband did nothing about us in all this time, we have a business, a dealership and all that he is been doing is work 24/7 on it. I kept asking to do something about us and he keep saying that on the time will help him.

I about 3 months he finally go to the doctor, for a check out and this doctor is the one I told him to go, basicly I find the doctor, I bougth two book (his nees her needs) one for me and one for him and send it to him, I looked for a physcolist and I told him about it and finally he decided to go to see him.
But can you see I am the one who is doing everything.
We talk over the phone or email and sometimes we see each other because his mom had a big surgery and I ask him what is what he wants and he said whe wants us to be together but not until he gets help. We dont have any childrens its just me and him.

When I told him about his profile in the internet he said that I was not a big deal and he already deleted.

So now that he is going to do something about us, that he is going to see my physcologist should I wait or should I do what you said. The thing is that I love him like crazy and I dont know if I can do that. I tried some many times and does not work because I called him again and basicly I am begging him.

I want to be strong and tell him what I want and give him like and ultimatum lets say like a month or so, Do you think is a good idea?

Rocio

Edited by rochio (04/08/06 08:27 PM)

In the end, you can only control yourself.

What plan are you in? Listen to ARK, she is wonderful. (At least, I think ARK is a 'she'...no doubt about the wonderful.)

It's never a good idea to make empty ultimatums. If you are going to draw that line in the sand, you need to stick by it.

Please ARK I need your opinion about my post.

See lately my husband and I are seeing each other becaue his mom is been sick, she just have a big surgery(cancer)

And since then we are been talking on the phone but we talk about the business and about his mom but we dont talk about us. See he is going to see my physcologist, but I dont know if he is going to be able to help him and I am afraid that he is going to give up really easy and you are right he has do anything, I am the one is been looking for help for him.

I want to something to make him understand that I am not going to be waiting for him forever, I want to make him understand that we can lose me if he does not do anything about us.

I am trying to get strong and move on with my life but at the same time I am afraid to lose him.

Please if you can help me....

Rocio