Dr. Harley mentions how long one should wait for an A to end before going to Plan B. For posters in recovery (that did Plan A or Plan B), I'm wondering what has been your experience in the amount of time that it took for WS to begin chaning from WS like ways to devoted, committed, willing to do what you ask, like ways.

Also if you applied Plan A trying to meet needs of WS how you pulled your Plan A together, how you made it work, how long it took and so on.

Also if you have a thread with your story on it, pls leave the thread in your post. I'm trying to pull my Plan A together better and feel that I can learn a lot from many stories. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Looking for answers and a bump

Bumping Bumping Bumping

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Heres the post:

Dr. Harley mentions how long one should wait for an A to end before going to Plan B. For posters in recovery (that did Plan A or Plan B), I'm wondering what has been your experience in the amount of time that it took for WS to begin chaning from WS like ways to devoted, committed, willing to do what you ask, like ways.

Also if you applied Plan A trying to meet needs of WS how you pulled your Plan A together, how you made it work, how long it took and so on.

Also if you have a thread with your story on it, pls leave the thread in your post. I'm trying to pull my Plan A together better and feel that I can learn a lot from many stories. Thanks

bump98

How long to stay in Plan A? Usually, "as long as you can stand it."

This is usually about 2-6 months.

If, however, the following things start happening:

1) Your WS continues happily cake-eating and fence-sitting (and they almost certainly will)

2) Your anger and resentment grows

. . . then it's time for Plan B. You don't want to wait until you hate the sight of your WS until you get relief from their abuse of you. You want to go to Plan B while you still have some love for them left.
Mulan

Are you in Recovery?

In your Plan A have you laid down with him what you would like for him to do? If so, Has he met your requirements?
If he has, has it been slow or steadily in making progess or has it been very fast? Has he stopped exhibiting WS like behavior?

LLG - if you're looking for an analytical formula, forget it. This may be why you haven't gotten many responses to this.

How long for WSs to get their heads outta their [censored]?

For my WS, almost six years and counting.

For many other WSs - before the BS even knows what's going on.

While the antics, denials, and even the dialogues of WSs are astonishingly similar - the time lines are not. Nor should yours be crafted based on some other BSs'.

From my observations, the best predictor of how much longer a WS will remain in LaLa Land is their reaction to properly conducted and swift exposure - along with their partner's reaction.

Excellent observation. My STBX has been in his A for a year and a half - and has been living with the OW since April '05. He has shown no sign of remorse or regret whatsoever since he left. His response to exposure - and WAT (and many others) supported me wonderfully during this time - was to scream, cry and beg, and finally cut off contact with me and sulk. He is still sulking.

I think his A will continue for many years to come.

Alph.

Is he still sulking after a year? So have you ever talked to him at all?

Bumpy-tee Bump Bump

Dr. Harley mentions how long one should wait for an A to end before going to Plan B. For posters in recovery (that did Plan A or Plan B), I'm wondering what has been your experience in the amount of time that it took for WS to begin chaning from WS like ways to devoted, committed, willing to do what you ask, like ways.

Also if you applied Plan A trying to meet needs of WS how you pulled your Plan A together, how you made it work, how long it took and so on.

Also if you have a thread with your story on it, pls leave the thread in your post. I'm trying to pull my Plan A together better and feel that I can learn a lot from many stories. Thanks

Let me ask you this, LLG.

Suppose you decided that you needed to go to Plan B today - because your lovebank was nearly empty. What would you do?

And I'll have a followup question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT
--------------
Embrace your inner fish.

We meet occassional on the doorstep when he collects the children. We only talk about them - and hardly do that.

My WH left the day after d/day, so I had to try and do plan A from a distance. I found it very hard, as I was not only reeling from the knowledge of his affair, but from being abandoned also.

My resentment got the better of me - I did my separated plan A for too long and lost all my love.

I regret that I never went to plan B - I should have done this almost immediately after he left, I think.

Alph.

Worthatry,
If I decided I had to go to Plan B today, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have the financial means to do so. So, I'd have to ask my H to leave. If I had the means to, Hum. i don't know. I'm not sure. I might stay for a little bit, then get angry enough then leave.

What's your follow up question?

That's the right answer.

Because YOU do not leave under any circumstances.

So, how are you gonna get him to leave when you think you need to go to Plan B?

WAT

lol, I don't know. Guess, I was going to have a bulldozer come throw the walls and remove him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

Worthatry, do you have a thought about my question? How long are WS's suppose to keep up WS-like behavior.

I think that my WS feels that I'm hounding him. If he would comply I wouldn't have to keep asking questions he is suppose to be telling me in the first place.

From a man's point of view, is there anything in Plan A that I can do to get him to know better that I want him to be transparent. Should I live like we are seperated until he does? I mean we are doing , nicely. But I want some transparency like now, without having to ask for it. He is too quiet and sneaky for me to trust him on this issue.

Yes, my thought was in my first response to you. See above.



Then stop hounding him. No one - men especially - like to be hounded.


How long have you been trying to control the situation? "If he would comply......" sends shivers down my spine. Demand nothing but from yourself.


You state you need transparency and honesty and then shut up about it. You fill his ENs to the best of your ability. When he is transparent, express your appreciation. Then shut up about it.

Do you get the message that pestering and hounding is exactly the wrong thing to do?


Manipulation will not work.

Is the affair over or not?

My sense is that you are being controlling. Maybe I'm wrong, but step back and review how you're treating the situation. Try backing off and being a bit aloof.

WAT

Good grief, Worthatry. Cut me some slack. How come so many shut-ups and assuming I'm controlling. While I used to be, I haven't been in the past month. Since exposure he answers my questions but defensively. Then he tells me I'm treating him as if he is suspicious. I suspect that he blames me for the exposure consequences or he could be up to something. I almost feel like hiring a PI.

The A is suppose to be off, but no NC letter and he works with OW. She is supposed to be leaving the office soon.

This ride isn't free. He is suppose to meet my needs too. A great one is to know he isn't up to the same ole tricks. Dr Harley says in Plan A, I'm to meet his needs when the A is over. I don't know for sure it is, especially since they work together. It is reasonable for me to ask questions. What says that being quiet will get him to to be transparent anyway? And mind you this is his second A. But his is in a tinge if I even ask one question.

I'll think it over this being aloof.

Because that's the impression I got. If I'm wrong, my apologies - there are precious few words to go on in these exchanges and I call 'em like I see 'em.
Please read it again.

In Plan A you meet his needs despite the affair. I think a reasonable exception is that you don't have sex with him if he's boinking a slut. You don't share with another woman. At the same time, you set boundaries. I know, I know - how can you do it both ways?

Of course he's supposed to. But it doesn't work that way. You have to be willing to be a giver for the investment value. Expect nothing in return in the near term. You're working for the future.

Perhaps you're thinking of him as a normal person and expecting him to accept the responsibilities of a normal person. He's been abducted by aliens.

How long ago was his first affair and how was it resolved?

WAT

hey LLG, its your ole frien cantgiveup!

WAT is blunt, but entirely correct! He has given me so much good advice, I wish I could bottle it!

You do, in fact simply have to state your need for transparency and then leave it alone. repeating it will only infuriate him and make him less likely to do so. And if A is still ongoing, you are beating a dead horse anyway. Gotta keep plan Aing even though he is meeting none of your ENs. The point is for your meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs to bring him out of the fog and CHOOSE you b/c you are the better choice- not b/c you demanded him to!

You and I are alot alike judging from our past correspondence, and I finally got it. When I stopped begging pleading, demanding, judging, moralizing, etc. and decided to work on me and let him make his own choices, (F)WH was the one doing the 180. He realized that maybe all that dont love you anymore babble crap was just that- crap.

HE has to be ready to be transparent and HE has to make the decision to end the A. YOU cannot do it for him.

WORK ON YOU, SWEETIE! I know it's so easy to say, and I have cried my own share of tears, but my hubby didnt see those tears, all he saw was his confident, strong, vibrant wife who jumped up and dusted herself off, and THATS what he wanted to see!

Have you read love is tough by dobson? If you dont want to wait for the book, go to family.org and read under the marriage and divorce topics- there is a great synopsis of it there that will really mean something to you!