and I think I've finally reached the end of my marital journey. There's been more pain than joyous times and my sadness comes from knowing there is a bright, energetic, fun 8 year old son who loves both of us very much and who says it a lot. I've tried to hang in there for his sake because I dont' want to break his heart, however in the midst of it all, I'm so unhappy. So many unpleasant "surprises" have occurred over the 8+ years from finding out hubby is recovering alcoholic and sex addict, to getting kicked out of a doctors office for an inappropriate comment he made to nurse; to job losses he's had also as result of inappropriate comments he's made; plus his controlling and selfish ways and so much more. I've tried to hang in there and trust God and to think of our son and not be selfish and leave, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do that, because I'm so unhappy. He tells me I just complain, however, I dont say much to him. In reality, if I disagree with him on anything he says then he says that I'm arguing or complaining. I try to keep the peace by not saying much to him, but that's not healthy either, so I'm in a very unpleasant situation. I don't feel any connection with him at all. And it's sad, because when he's not around, I have peace. I've lost so much during these 8 years...my zeal for life, my fun and energetic spirit, my excellent credit as I've tried to support him in his entrepreneurial ventures and so much more. I've tried to be a good, supportive wife but all he says is that I won't dress to please him, I'm not intimate enough and that I spend more time with our son than I spend with him. I find myself feeling overwhelmed at times since I take of the finances, I'm the educator, the maid, etc., and I'm self employed. I'm also the disciplinarian cause he doesn't discipline the boy nor does he support me when I discipline him, which is stressful itself. Well, I could go on, but I'll end it here. I guess I just needed to vent and I'm not sure what my next step is. I just know that I need to find a good support group that can help me through this ordeal and continue to depend on my higherpower to help me thru this as well. I speak with a therapist, but I'm not sure that she can help me either. I welcome any comments, ideas or suggestions that could help me along this jouney. Thanks again and God Bless all!

Justi curious why so many have viewed my post but no replies. I'm sure someone has been in a similar situation...just curious how they handled the situation.

See a therapist that is pro-marriage or try to make an appointment with the Harleys. It is way too early to give up when you have not tried all the possible avenues to make your M better.

Is there an OW or OM in your sitch?

Print out everything you just wrote about your husband in that first post above and show it to him. As scared or embarrassed as you might be, just show it to him. Let him get angry, upset, let him have a tantrum, but stick by your guns and tell him this is your honest assessment of your situation.

Hiding your true feeling from him is not the way to go. He needs the hard truth about where you are and where you are headed.

After some time, ask him what he's willing to do to make the marriage and family happier. Will he go to counseling? Will he try to understand why his behaviours of the past are wrong and how to fix them?

Let him explain to you how he feels and let him know you are willing to work on yourself as well if there are areas for improvement.

His answer will let you know what to do.

Could be many reasons. As for myself, I usually bypass long posts where there are no paragraph breaks because they are hard for my aging eyes to read. Secondly, you didn't really ask a question. Lastly, your situation is different than mine so I probably can't offer you much advice.

It sounds like you've already made up your mind to divorce. Have you? Do you want help in saving the marriage?

All of this above is due to the addictions. I'm a recovering sex addict and I can tell you that you can never dress good enough, never be sexy enough, never perform in bed well enough, never look good enough, never do things good enough, because his addiction won't let him say anything else. And the addictions keeps him from helping in a lot of ways. IT'S HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. I always to repeat this. IT'S HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.....he has to work on fixing the problem.

Unique, please don't take this the wrong way, but one of the problems is that this is a forum dedicated to helping couples get back together after an adultery by one or both of the marital partners. If that is what you are facing, please let us know and outline enough specifics for the pros out here to help you.

A second problem is that you've identified your husband as a recovering alcoholic but you've not explained how long he's been sober or to what extent his alcoholism contributed to an infidelity. We can't determine whether he's still an addict or not. MarriageBuilder concepts, and most techniques to rebuild a marriage after infidelity, usually do not work if the wayward spouse is addicted to a drug.

You've posted on an infidelity forum, so I'm going to assume you suspect (on a conscious or sub-conscious level) your husband may be having an affair. Is there a chance that is the root of the problems you're facing?

Perhaps this thread will be useful. It's about signals your spouse might be cheating on you. It's not all inclusive; there are other signs but this would be a good start.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1059523

Unique, if you're dealing with an infidelity, the folks here on the infidelity boards are here to help. Let us know, okay?

First, welcome to MB! You may not get many responses being as it's Friday (and it's Spring Break where I live). If you don't get many over the weekend, bump it up on Monday.

Take the time this weekend to read through the resources available on this site. Read about Emotional Needs (EN's) and Love Busters (LB). You may find some hope within these pages.


What has caused you pain? Can you be more specific?


Let's break this down.

Is he still recovering from alcholism or has he had a relapse? Did you know he was an alcoholic when you met/married him? If not, how did you find out?

Is he in counseling for the sexual addiction (SA)? How has that affected your marriage (M)? Has he had affairs, either emotional or physcial (EA/PA)? Is he addicted to porn?


What is making you unhappy today?


Sounds like he's belittling you. Do you think you nag? Like dear old Ann Landers used to say, "it's better to be alone than to wish you were."

How often do you meet with your therapist and how long have you been doing so? Do you take anti-depressants?


I learned a long time ago that only I am responsible for my happiness. You cannot expect other people to do it for you. You will only be disappointed. Find things that you are passionate about that give you joy while you go through this stage of your life.


Tell us more.


So, how does he want you to dress? How is the sex life? Your son is 8. I would expect you to spend more time with him! duh!



Why can't your husband share the financial load? Do you homeschool your son? What excuse does your husband have for not helping around the house?


Have you 2 tried marriage counseling?


You'll get lots of support here. Just keep posting!

unique1111,

wow, you sound like my wife, however i didnt know any of her feelings until she had her A and i caughtd her.
i was trying to fix things since and be a better listener and husband but then she went off and had the A which just floored me.

since then i've tryed everything to show her i can be the man she feel in love w/ but shes no longer having it so if i can offer any advise is to be honest and up front w/ him
but most of all don't play any "head games."

i hope you can repair your marriage for i was to late to fix mine i truly wish you the best and if you need to talk to someone whos been on the other side by all means ask away cause maybe what i've learned in the past 4 weeks can help you, which would be great cuase then there would be a silver lining to my cloud.

Thank you all for the responses. I apologize, I am new to MB and apparently I made a post in the wrong place. I'm not dealing with an issue of infidelity according to hubby and I've not ever had an affair myself. I read a post and one respondent told the member to post in this forum, so I thought apparently this was a great forum and from the replies, it is. I'm sorry i posted because I'm not dealing with an infidelity issue. So, veterans of MB, where should I post my situation to get support and hopefully save my marriage? Thanks again for the feedback.

emotional needs

You are in the right place. I just wanted to rule out the usual suspect.

Right place as in MB, but Pep is probably correct.

Ok thanks all, I check out Emotional Needs. Have a blessed day and a fabulous weekend!

Saenz,

Thanks for the reply and the offer to allow me to share even though I'm not dealing with an infidelity issue on either side. My situation is so complex and convaluted that I'm trying to make sense out of the whole thing. It's so difficult cause we have a 8 year old boy who adores both of us very much and my concern is breaking this precious child's heart which would obviously hurt me deeply. I'm seeing a therapist to get myself together and I'm going to see if I can make an appointment with the Harley's as one person suggested. Again, thanks for the offer and I wish you well in your healing also.

Take care & God Bless!