Hi, folks. This is my second time coming to Marriage Builders to deal with an affair by my wife. The first was 7 years ago, and I thought we'd made it.

I found out two weeks ago that she's done it again. I filed for divorce this time, and she didn't fight that. We both have lawyers and are proceeding towards the end. In Texas, we have a 60-day waiting period before the divorce can become final.

Anyway, I can't shake the feeling that there could be something left to save here. She's not seeing the OM anymore, but she doesn't know what she wants out of life and love. She says she doesn't know if she's still "in love" with me (I hate that phrase) and feels that she can't trust herself not to do this again. I know I can't trust her, at least not now. I travel a bit for a living. How can I ever trust again that she'll be faithful if I have to travel every week? Is that any way to have a marriage?

Regardless, we had a talk last night. I left it up to her to decide if she wants to try to work it out. She says she just doesn't know what to do. She will give me an answer by the end of the weekend.

My family thinks I'm nuts. Burned twice. Why should I put up with it again? Quite frankly, I'm having a hard time figuring out what we have in common anymore, but I know that I love her tremendously, and I can't just walk away from 15 years together (10 married).

I don't want to be hurt like this again, but I can't imagine my life without her. Am I as big a sap as I feel like? What do I do? How can I cope? I can't believe I'm going through this again. How do you survivors of multiple affairs revealed on multiple occasions make this work?

Fool me once - shame on you.
Fool me twice - shame on me.

You forgave her the first time and now she has done it again. It seems clear that she knew what the consequences would be from her actions. She has also told you that she cannot trust herself to do it again. I think this speaks volumes. Are you going wait until you get an STD? She has had two sexual affairs and tells you that there is no guarantee that she will not do it again. I think you need to open your eyes. Her words and actions again speak volumes. Clearly she does not respect you as a spouse and does not respect a committment to be faithful. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It is time to move on and find someone who can respect you, a marriage committment, and a person who does not have a broken moral compass. This person is not your wife.

Sorry you are back 2TA,

I don't really agree with Bryan on this with the following caveat. If nothing changes in her approach to things, her perspective, and her own internal boundaries, then she will do it again. I get the impression she changed little last time.

I am guess what I am saying is that if there was NOT a plan for significant changes in her approach to life and her commitment to her own promises and words, then you need to be out of there. I KNOW for a fact that there are many fine women in the state of Texas, and not too bad looking either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. If she doesn't want to address her issues and change, you can and will do better.

I know it hurts, but better now than when you are married 20-30 years and really have invested your life with her.

Wish I could offer something a bit more concrete but it depends on her.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Let us know how it turns out this weekend and let us know your decision.

Hey 2nd time - I hear ya - I also go under the tag name of "twotimes". Why don't you search both user names - some valuable advice given on all fronts.

One resource I would advise is to check out Dr. Phil's web page for articles. There is one there about how do you know if it's time to divorce? A main theme seems to be don't do anything while you are emotionally raw. I would give it at least a year of therapy if you can - individual counseling is best - and see where you are. Filing for divorce after only 2 weeks may cost you big bucks that you won't end up spending.

Do you have children?

{{{{{{2nd Time Around}}}}}}}}}
I feel your pain.

No kids. We're lucky there, I guess. I'll check out the information you suggested. Thanks for the kind words.

2nd time around,


My WW said she desperately wanted to come back to me. I said great, just sign a postnuptual agreement that gives you almost nothing if you engage in any MORE infidelity. She obviously didn't hold her M vows to the level that I had. I was not going to have me get swacked twice without her feeling the sting from the same whip, different barb.

Divorce trial is May 11.