In a complete hypothetical situation, would you rather know or not if your spouse was cheating. The scenario is that they completely cut contact with other person and have truly changed (and also know how they put themselves in that situation and wont allow it to happen again) and is working to better their marriage. As a BS, would you want to know or would you not want to know?

Not know

har...

Gear, it is my experience that the more someone claims a hypothetical in a question around here the less likely it is hypothetical at all...

But, to give you a real world, totally grounded in reality, not hypothetical at all answer:

I definitely want the total unadulterated truth in my life. I want to know what is going on to the twelfth decimal place. I demand the right to make decisions about my life and I demand they be based in complete reality.

No lies by omission, no secrets of any kind. None, whatsoever...ever again. No exceptions.

So, I would much, much rather know. That is the only way I am able to decide the direction my life should take. Anything else is a selfish denial of truth purely for the entitled benefit of the withholder.

Now, I will admit in the first months after both DDays I had thoughts, very strong thoughts, of wishing I had not found out so I would not be hurting so bad. But I knew even then those thoughts were reflexive reactions to the pain. Whenever I was calm I knew it is better to know what is really going on.

For one thing, it is the only way I could even start to fix what was wrong.

Gear, there are many hurting, confused and very angry BS here who discovered they had been living a lie for many years. Their FWS’s A was long over, but they recently found out by some convoluted accident. Without exception, not living in the truth for all those years hurt them much worse than the moldy old A. The A may rusted away to nothing, but the years of living a lie instead of a real marriage is like living among sharp jagged edgy knives – like the death of a thousand rusty cuts. The spouse lied to like this gets countless deeply infected wounds from which they are unlikely to recover.

Further, living with such secrets is a barrier to true intimacy in any marriage. I cannot think of even one of the above BSs who say their M was good during the years they didn't know. They were being totally manipulated, regardless of any FWS self-protective rational for it.

It’s on the main site somewhere, Dr H writes about the missed opportunities, the lost intimacy of a marriage with secrets in it. They never become all they can be.

Skeletons in a FWS's closet means that closet is never opened. The M cannot get at anything else that would be useful in there.

Radical truth is always best.

With prayers,

Not know.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I knew that was going to come about. But I can guarantee it is not my situatuion, nor anybody I know. I just wanted to throw it out there and hear some responses. I was only thinking about how if my wife turned into the person she is now AND I never started to catch on, that maybe it would have been easier to not know at all. But then again, I'm all about the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!

Well, I can speak from some experience to this.

I was a BS who didn't know for 15 years.

There was always a lack of intimacy to our marriage. I never put my finger on it. I felt like I beat my head against a wall for 15 years trying to break it down, to get closer to him, to be able to TALK to him. But he kept a barrier (can you say guilt?) between us that I could never break through.

He destroyed my self-esteem with his neglect.

And do you know what I did at the end of those years? I gave up. I started planning my escape. He was no longer in my long term picture.

I am still very angry about living a lie for all those years. Maybe I would have left back then -- my life would have turned out better. Maybe I would have stayed and we would have had the kind of marriage I wanted -- my life would have been better with that option too.

He stole my life.



Interesting that those that say "not know" have nothing further to say.

Who would not want to know that their spouse was cheating on them and putting their health at risk for STD's? How stupid is that?

Lexxy,

I said not know because under the scenario that Gearhead presented, my FWH TRULY changed, Knew why he put himself in that situation, and wouldn't let it happen again. Those conditions being met, (at first glance) there didn't seem to be a reason to know. Selfishly, I would not have been soooooooo hurt!

However, since the scenario that Gear presented probably would not happen in real life, and knowing we needed a change in our marriage, I'm (almost) glad I found out about it. We have come a long way and believe it or not, a lot of good has come of it.

As an A gives not just the FWS an opportunity to improve, but also the BS, I'd want to know.

Also for the reasons Lexxxy gave.

I'd rather hear it from my S than be told by others or find out myself. I'd have far more respect for a truthful WS (oxymoron? LOL) than a deceitful one.

I agree with you Aphelion 1000%..During my H's A he was moody, angry, over bearing and then over smothering and I could never figure out why, or what I did to make him so awful to live with. Now I know and what a releif to know that it was his own feelings of guilt,withdrawl,shame that he was dealing with. He is not like that now that the truth has come out. It is always better to know so you can be back in control of your marriage. When I didn't know, I had no idea that there was anything to work on, so I didn't stand a chance to change things..see what I mean??