We had our first MC appointment this morning. It went really fast, I had so much more to say after the hour was up. Since then however I've been in a real funk b/c of some things my FWH said. Sometimes he just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.

On Thur I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. I looked up our cell phone bill on line and spent the next hours painstakingly writing out all the calls. 60 calls from 3/14 to 3/28 and then the NC call before he told me on 3/31. There were also 24 text msgs. I took the paper to the MC and he said I should consider burning it when I'm ready to let it go.

But then when we got home my H said he doesn't like looking at all the calls b/c it reminds him of the conversations. Of course that got me wondering what the conversations were about. He says they were insignificant, but the funk remains.

The MC is very hopeful for us. He said we have the best situation regarding infidelity in that it was an event and not ongoing and that we're both comitted to saving our marriage. All in all I agree.

For some reason we've had the best SF since our honeymoon. 5 times in 2 days. Wed morn was the first and was not at all what I expected. I thought there'd be crying, anger, some emotion, but I was just content and able to put most thoughts of the A away. Is this normal? It seems like a wall is torn down in me allowing me to give more to him than I ever came close to in 10 years. I don't get it, he doesn't either but says he won't complain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess I'm wondering if it can keep going smoothly so soon the way it has been or if there's a storm on the horizon?

24give
wow, good 4 you, you got him to the MC my W said she would go but then out of the blue she switched out on me and is in the process of moving out. we too had sum great and wonderfull SF a couple of days after i let her come home about 2 weeks ago but nothing since then.

shes been staying at her parents house since sat. her choice not mine but im trying to cope.

i hope you the best of luck and hope you can repair things
let us know how it goes.

you go girl.

Hi 24
I have a similar situation that it was a PA only. My H hid it from me for years and when it finally came out it was a relief and a burden lifted. We had much much much SF for about 3 months following. Every day sometimes 2-3 times a day. I think we were rejoicing through the tears for the love we found again in each other. A love I thought was lost because I was misinterpreting his guilt as a lack of love for me.

I can only tell you that I am 4 months out almost and the SF has died down a little but is still pretty prevelant. I thought that 1st night I would never let him touch me again but I needed him so much. I thought also I would cry when I did and later on maybe 2 months later I did after it was over and sometimes that is part of the release for me.

I am so grateful for my marriage but for me there was a storm after the initial dday mess I was thrown into. I hope the best for you. Some days are better than others I know he loves me and is sorry and I have to find it in my heart somehow to forgive him.
Good Luck
HF

Thank you Saenz, I know you are going thru a lot as well and it's so great that you are able to encourage others. I'm sure it helps keep your mind on the positive. Please know you're in my prayers.

HF- thank you also for your thoughts, I'm glad to hear that I'm not so "out there." It's so sad to me that it took the extreme of an A to see how much I love and need my H and that we'll always have this cloud hanging over us.

BTW- the OW made contact on Wed w/a text msg saying "It's raining" which is code for construction guys to go to the bar. I wrote back "Never contact my husband again you slut." I was so shook up, but my H totally supported me and was so sorry to be putting me thru this. He didn't think she would call after he broke it off w/her, but I was expecting it.

24
I know how you feel. We BS and WS will have to live with this forever. Its a difficult thought. When I think of all the good we have I hate that part of our life that will always be a scar on our marriage. I often think when I am old and grey will I still think it was a wonderful life except...

The facts are there are so many horrible things that happen in life. This is difficult because it was a betrayal and a choice that my H made. But there are many stories I hear each day in my little town of sick kids and fatal car accidents that make me grateful this is all that is on my plate right now.

You will get there. Those first few weeks were so hard for me. Still no matter how much I try to think of it as being about him it hurts and feels like he turned his back on me. I feel sometimes I will always feel her presense. Like him sharing this secret with her while decieving me made them a team against me. He asked me to never think of him as her friend but I still feel in my heart he chose her over his vows to me.

I am trying every day and somedays are better than others. Try to keep busy it helps. Enjoy your kids and your H as much as you can.

I am sorry OW is trying to contact your H. I hope he also told her not to contact him again. Recovery can not start until the A is over I have heard many times. Hopefully he is not working with her still too! Stay strong and keep plugging. It will get better.
HF

We are recovering and don't see it as a scar. We see it as the salvation of our marriage...like a lot of things that happen to us.

Choosing your perspective is important to choosing your life. Doesn't negate reality--just how you view it. You're early in this, with a lot to learn...your screen name is what caught my attention...24give...is that how you choose to be? And this, "that we'll always have this cloud hanging over us." Because you already grasped that this is something important...about you, your FWH and your marriage, why would you choose this belief?

"Since then however I've been in a real funk b/c of some things my FWH said. Sometimes he just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone." This is a huge DJ. That contributes to your belief this is a scar. Something external that you will remain a victim of for the rest of your life.

What saenz said goes with this "you got him to the MC" goes to this damaging perspective, a DJ. Your FWH chose to go to MC, to save your marriage, find out why he chose an A...all the good. We cannot get others to do what we want. Thank God for this limitation...it is why you couldn't make your FWH have an A, either.

Did your FWH write a no contact letter that you approved of and sent it to her certified mail return receipt requested? Is she married?

Early on, in all the turmoil, is where we plant the seeds for long term recovery. I'm not judging you and your beliefs...I'm questioning why you choose to hang on to these when they are detrimental and harmful to yourself?

LA

Again, 24give, your words make me sane. We have had the same SF issues. It is like walls have been broken down. I think it is amazing that something so horrible can be a catalyst for saving or improving a marriage. I would have never believed it.

As for the evidence, I have found that stopping looking at over and over again is very helpful. I was the same way with the phone/text records. The email accounts we got rid of immediately and I'm so glad I didn't secretly forward them so I could read more later!

We went away on Sat night to the beach. It was really nice just riding our bikes and hanging out, then, get this, I came down w/the worst UTI ever. I sent H out to get water and cranberry juice at 1 in the am. He really is so awesome!

On Mon I went to the doc to get meds and asked for an STD screen. Along w/d-day that was one of the hardest things I've had to go thru. I was really angry at God (sounds silly now) for the physical pain on top of everything else I'm going thru, but then I realized if not for the UTI I don't think I would've ever done the STD screen & it would've haunted me. The Dr. and nurse were super nice and gentle about it.

LovingAnyway - When I got home from the appt my H was in a super funk and I got so scared! I instinctively knew that I had to choose to think differently and help him do the same. We talked and he said he wasn't sure if he could do this and if he wanted this lot in life. I thought he meant me and our family! I kept probing and he said he didn't know if he could live with the guilt or if he'd ever be good enough. Just getting it out was good and I've been trying to build him up ever since. Thank you LA for pointing out the Disrespectful Judgments and choosing my thoughts. You are so right on!

Thank you also to Hoping and March, it helps to know I'm not alone.

LA - I forgot to answer your ? about NC.

He only made a phone call to tell her he would never see her again or go to the bar she works at and that he wanted to save his marriage. He had seen her 3 times outside the bar, once for PA in his truck, once for PA at her apt at 3am and once at a restaurant for lunch. I'm not sure if he would remember her address. He thinks she doesn't even know his last name.

Should I still pursue the letter? Have it delivered to her work (the bar)? My FIL could take it to her as he also frequented the bar (a whole other can of worms!)

Also, I have considered since D-day writing a letter to OW, (I actually thought about taking my kids to the bar to confront her w/reality). Is this advisable? What are your thoughts everyone?

Hi 24give.

You are in a similar situation as me although my FWH didn't tell me about his affair until 4 years later. He only slept with the woman twice and barely even knew her. They never had any other contact.

I am not great with advice, but I do have one thing to say. First, please do not take your children to the bar. Don't involve them in this. Plus, don't give her that satisfaction that you would go through the trouble. She is NOT worth it.

Just know that all of this is so new right now for you and you probably are in shock. My first few weeks were actually the easiest for me and there was a lot of SF. I also got pregnant. It has gotten harder since as all of reality starts to settle in. But overall I know that why my FWH did what he did and I know he is a different man now. I know we love each other deeply and I know we both want our marriage to work.

Know that times might get a harder before they get better and that is normal. We are here for you.

bumping up for advice on NC letter

A no contact letter is essential. It should state that he made a mistake, loves his wife and wants to work on his marriage. It should go on to say that he wants no contact with her ever again for any reason.

Ditto to believers post on the NC letter...I let my H do his NC request by phone and OW didn't seem to get the concept of that as she called him again when she found out he was quitting his job...of course he had to reinterate(sp) to her again by phone that he didn't want her contacting him ... even I get the irony of 'I'm calling you to tell you not to call me' and finally insisted on a NC letter..haven't heard from her since...

The Infidelity FAQ's on this site (Linked in my Signature below) give you the structure for a no contact letter.

In our case we didn't send a NC Letter. We found MB about 8 weeks after D-Day and a NC letter didn't seem necessary. We haven't struggled with OM contacting since so we see no need for a NC letter.

In your case a NC letter seems essential.

Well, it's 2 weeks since d-day and my H is at a Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight. The MC strongly recommend that he go and I am so proud of him for following through despite his scepticism.

I am truly in awe at how we are doing. I know it won't always be easy and I see the spiritual warfare going on around us. Last week it was the OW who made contact, today it was a friend he had made at the bar saying, "come meet me for a game of pool" and my H was like "Nope!"

He is amazing to me and I am amazing to him. We are in this fight together for the long-haul.

Our church has Celebrate Recovery too. He hasn't been but maybe he could try it.

I'm so proud for you and you are doing so great to recognize the spiritual warfare. This is a fight that can only be won together. I think you and I are lucky ones in that our FW spouses are willing to do the work.

Regarding OW and NC letter, the MC told us to let sleeping dogs lie, since there has been no further contact from her.

I've read some other threads about BS contacting the OP and how it's a bad idea. is_there_hope is right that OW is not worth contacting, however I can't help wonder if hearing from me would make her think twice before doing it again to someone else.

My H told me she was feeling guilty during the A and especially when he told her we had a pure dating relationship and waited until married to have SF. I think that put a damper on things. He said she replied, "And you're here with me now?"

I jumped down my H's throat when he defended her and said that she wasn't really a bad person and she felt bad about what was happening. I told him I NEEDED him to see her for the slut, ******, skank that she is and that this isn't the first time she's tried to wreck a marriage by sleeping w/a married man. He apologized and agreed that it was a pattern w/her.

It was a good talk all in all, and I think I've had all my ?s answered and am ready to shelve the details and get on with recovery. Maybe I'll feel differently later though!

Good Luck with shelving the details. You'll see in my thread that I had another struggle with that!!!

I totally disagree. Sorry. NC letter is essential at this poing. Sheesh - it isn't even 4 weeks since affair ended. It's not like you are dredging it up 6 months later. Don't think OW will just give up at this point.

Your H's feelings for OW, while you want him to see her as a skanky slut immediately is an unrealistic expectation. His feelings for her will change over TIME and LOTS of it. Try 6 months. Don't expect him to change overnight.