S&C,

Sleep well, and realize you NEEDED this moment of clarity and retrospection to see where YOU want to lead your life from now on. Please pay attention to the fact mentioned to you earlier, you need to give your H a chance. He may just be the hero you have always looked for and if he is he will survive this with his love for you still very much there.

Your JOB??? It is to love this man, and trust him with your thoughts, your desires, your needs. I am sure he will be somewhat shocked, but as I mentioned on another post, I would bet he suspects and has suspected for a long time that there was more.

Ease his mind, and ask for HIS HELP. You don't know what tool God chooses to do the work on you, but it seems to me you have a lot of them for God to use. Let this happen and be at peace. Your H will NEED YOU very much very soon.

God Bless,

JL

sadandconfused67...

How are you doing today?

SD

Just checking in on you too ...


How are you doing?

Full exposure was done last night. Immediately, a weight was lifted, but since then I feel sick to my stomach for what my H had to deal with.

I am glad I exposed...now to the next step - recovery. If H wants that.

Also, I directed him to this site and asked him if he would like to read all of my posts. He did, so I would assume that is a good sign?

Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated right now.

I am numb.

So are we. That took courage and a leap of faith.

Well done...now onto to recovery.

Mr. Wondering

Help! I am at work and don't know what to do with myself. I exposed to H last night.

Do I call him? Do I just leave him alone? I have printed out the EN Questionnaire and the Personal History Questionnaire so we can fill these out soon.

What do I do?

s&c, at this point do everything you can to be open and honest with your H while understanding that he is hurting. Any questions he asks please answer honestly. He is posting and we will try to help him through this as well. Good job! Very proud of you.

Do I call him? I don't know what to do. Do we take a day off work to talk? It is kind of hard to talk with 2 DDs....

What do I do?

Ask him what he wants. He may need space or he may need to talk. Call him and tell him you are there for him and if he wants to talk you are willing. Sometimes you may just need to hang back and let him hurt.

I just left a message on his cell told him that I loved him, I was sorry and that I hoped we could work this out.

I knew from the beginning, that once I exposed the PA, the choice was his to make, as to how and if he wanted proceed in our marriage.

I feel so sick today.

Boy do I understand that feeling. Be sure to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat. Eventually you will be able to look yourself fully in the mirror again. You are on your way to owning your own behavior!

I agree. No matter what happens, I can say I was honest and told the true. I am owning up to my actions - that part feels good.

But knowing what I have done to my poor H and DDs make me want to throw up.

BTW - In case you didn't realize my H is betrayed38.

Please, please, please help him through this. I cannot imagine how he must be feeling today. I have left him a message on his cell and send a note on his blackberry that I love him and that I am sorry.

I am sure he doesn't want to talk to me - I can understand that.

But please, everyone, feel his pain and help him with your words of encouragement.

From B38's thread...
S&C67 - there is no easy answer to your question. Ultimately his feelings (including his pain) are his, not yours. You cannot change him and that includes his feelings. But you can change you. You can make you the best W possible in this situation.

Expect his emotions to swing wildly. One moment he might need to be held and crave affection. The next, he might be cold, distant, angry. Expect him to say hurtful things - don't take them to heart, he is reacting out of pain. You need to concentrate on no LBing (love busting). Have you read the basic concepts on this site?

Keep posting here often and you'll get guidance through specific situations. Know that you have done the right thing here. Don't second guess yourself. But also be aware that because of the choices you made, you now have to deal with the painful consequences. This will be tough, but you can do it.

I am fully aware that I must live with the painful consequences. Consequences that I CAUSED!!!

Will H ever be able to get the "visions" out of his head? Will be ever be able to really want to work this out, or am I kidding myself?

Yes, H will be able to get the visions out of his head. In his own time, in his own way. Yes, you can work this out. There are plenty of examples right here of people who have recovered from far worse situations. There are also plenty of people who have not. It is not a given. You will need to become an expert in marriage and recovery. Have you read the basic concepts of this site? Have you ordered Surviving An Affair? Arm yourself for the battle ahead.

Yes I have read the BC and will read them over and over again.

I also purchased the book, which I am reading now.

Something to mention....when my H thought this was only an EA, there was hardly a reaction. He has seen all the reading materials that I have either purchased, or re-searched on line. Never had an ounce of desire to read any of it. I even showed him the EN Questionnaire - nothing.

Isn't any type of affair bad enough? Why didn't he show any interest when he thought it was an EA????

I will read everybook out there, and believe me I WILL become an expert in marriage - MY MARRIAGE!!!!

I don't want to put my H through anymore of this and I certainly don't want my DDs to grow up and think this is ok.

I want my children raised in a good, catholic, loving-family home.

sad & confused:

Don't be too hard on him in regards to the EA Part.

Honestly,
Until I came here and started Reading and Learning ........I'm sure I would have looked at someone Funny if they had mentioned an EA to mean.
Its like "what's that???"

So much of it is that EA just aren't very well KNOWN (no matter how wide spread they actually are).

Also,
Please keep in mind the (usual) difference in Men and Women.

Truly Upon finding out about Infidelity:
Most women want to know "did you Love her"? (emotional part)

Majority of MEN Want to KNOW "did you sleep/ have Sex with him"?? (physical part)

This is NOT to say either men nor women want to know about the other part at some point too (or that it doesn't matter) .......But this seems to be where Each gender focuses on First and MOST.

So realizing that fact (and that He probably didn't even KNOW what an EA was) ......He was probably RELIEVED to find out that you'd Not had sex with the OM.
Sorry it all had to be a lie.

Yes, you KNEW of the intense connection (and therefore could recognize what was Important to YOU (the EA part) ...but He had No Way of relating to that.

Besides,
isn't this the Reason you lied and downplayed the Sex in the first place??
You KNEW that he'd be able to handle only talking and bonding [between you & OM] much better than sex.

So you played that card (don't feel bad though --- many many many WS DO this). So your NOT the first.

Just curious why your getting upset at HIM, when he's simply following the script you Hoped he would?

I am not upset with him in the least!

In Aug-05 I explained that it was very much emotional. I was to afraid and disquested to tell him about the physical. I was embarrassed by my actions - I mean I was pregnant when I met the XOM....what the he// was I thinking???? I still can't answer that question.

However, I realized that I could not live with myself if I tried to keep this secret, I knew it would hurt him, but he deserves to know the truth.

My beliefs have a lot to do with what I have read on this site. In the beginning I thought I would take it to my grave.

Look how quickly God worked in my life? I never thought the day would come and here we are the day after.

We're talking, he's cold - that is UNDERSTANDABLE.

He knows I am here for him - I asked him what he wants me to do for him?

He's running the show now, but I am a very willing participant. I'm just trying to let him lead the way.