A word of caution... your emotions, and his, are running pretty wild right now. It is important to know it will take a long time before either of you have processed this information and your marriage begins to normalize.

Think of this process as building a pyramid, one brick at a time. Sometimes you'll work together on a brick, but as often as not, you'll each have your own bricks to handle.

Most importantly, learn all about Marriage Builders, as this program will provide a pathway to follow in the process of healing your marriage. Take turns reading Surviving an Affair out loud to each other. It may be money very well spent to have a joint phone session with the Harleys. They may have some specific advice for either of you that might save cut through some of the emotion, frustration and confusion that envelops you marriage right now.

Take this one day at a time, and don't expect this process to take much less than a couple of years, yes years, to play out... and that's if you both work at it honestly and earnestly.

Best wishes,
SD

Shattered - thank you. That is a great idea, about the counceling with S. Harley. I will talk to my H about it tonight.

I know you are right when you say it's going to take a long time - I've never been a patient person, but I have to be now.

The questions are coming, slowly but surely.

I am not looking forward to going home tonight.

I just hope we get through this.

Please keep us in your prayers....

There will be more. This is something you have to work through. You must expect some conflict before you can return to intimacy.

My FWW did not want to come home the day after d-day. The day after that, I did not want to be around her. I actually took off in the car at 10pm with no destination in mind.

We were like moons circling a planet in opposite orbits. Sooner or later though, you will start to intersect. I think you need to be more accomodating than him right now, i.e. respect his wishes for when he wants to talk and when he needs space, regardless of how you happen to feel at that moment.

Intention - I couldn't agree with you more on that one.
As nervous I am about tonight (i'm sure he'll be posting so pls. be on the lookout for him), I think last night was the hardest.

I know this is not going to be easy, nothing in life is.

Thanks and pls. pray for us and wish us luck!

I have already posted on his thread and will continue to watch it. Don't assume that last night was the hardest. Prepare yourself for difficult times ahead. Hopefully they will not materialize, but if they do, you will already be prepared with a response, e.g. no LB, no DJ, no AO, etc. Set your boundaries for how YOU will respond, but know that you cannot ever change his response or feelings, nor should you try to.

I will pray for you. But I can't wish you luck since I don't believe in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Fortunately we have something far more powerful than luck. It is called providence and grace.

S&C67 -
I'm a FWW, and I've been following your story. You did the right thing by telling your H the truth. I know how hard that was, yet the road ahead is still hard as your H has to absorb and process all that happened. Take it slow and listen to your H. Answer ALL of his questions and be honest. He will have questions today and more later as he thinks about it all. You WILL make it through it! Just take each question as he asks and answer them. Reassure him that you do love him. Time will heal the pain he is experiencing right now.

Also, about your H not getting the EA. I had an online EA and my H didn't "get it" for a long time. He didn't understand how there can be a strong emotional attachment with no physical contact. I'm sure your H didn't think much of it because he "didn't get it".

I'll be praying for you!

It's funny you said that about luck - I normally don't use that word either....for some reason it just came to me when I wrote my post.

This is not able luck.....God will carry us through this, I just feel that so strongly.

It know - rough roads ahead.

Thanks, intention - H will need you tonight. Thanks for looking out for him.

When you go home tonight and have to face the questions your H will ask you, remember what you wrote above. It's true....He will carry both you and your husband through this valley and bring you to the other side! I remember so well the first few days after I told my H of my A. They were hard and I never knew how my H was going to feel each day, but we made it through and are doing better than I could have ever imagined over a year later.

2B Normal - These are the stories my H so desperately needs to hear!!!

Thank you and GOD BLESS YOU!

Ok it's almot 7:30 pm and we're doing ok - considering exposure what just last night.

I told my H - I made a HUGE mistake, the biggest I could have EVER made. BUT I love him and want to work through it.

Things are in his hands now. All I did ask was what he didn't make a decision today, tomorrow, this week. I suggested that he take the time he needs to decice what our future holds. Things remain in his hands as they do in God's hands.

I can feel God around me all the time tonight - comforting. I just want a better future than our past.

I love my H and want to work things out.

Hang in there. Keep posting here whenever you have questions or simply need to vent. You are right not to force a decision, but don't think this means the ball is in his court and all you can do is wait. You need to Plan A your butt off. You can be plenty active working on YOU, making yourself the most attractive spouse possible.

I have been doing that ----- now I feel maybe he would be better off with the "southern bell" type that he so deserves.

Just venting and feeling sorry for myself - LOL ME FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

IS THAT A JOKE OR WHAT -

Can you tell - I don't like myself too much right now.

S&C,

Remember something else as well. I have not read all of the posts to you, but remember that you have known about this event in your marriage for a long time. He has really only known for a day. I do think you are correct he did not appreciate the seriousness of an EA, but the reality was that it was a PA. He was misled by you in this regard or he would have taken it much more seriously earlier.

If you start to worry, there is a word that I think represents what recovery is about, and I hope you will act and think of it. The word is grace. If you act with grace, if you accept your H with grace, if you show patience with grace, your H will heal much faster.

There is something else you will need to remember. The hardest part for him will NOT be what you did, it will be what he feels about himself and how HE failed. You have no idea just yet, but it will be his sense of failure that will haunt him. It will be his sense that he is NOT good enough, that will haunt him.

If you act with grace, and show him YOUR feelings for him, you will be surprised by many things. But as many have said don't lie to him, even about things that might be good. He needs you honest opinions about things and particularly him.

Have patience and give this time. Your H will do his best, so have some faith in yourself, and his love.

God Bless,

JL