I just found out my husband has had an affair. He broke off the PA 2 weeks ago, but only broke off all contact after I found out. He has willingly offered to go to counseling, cancel his email address, block internet and text message on his cell, changed his cell number, I mean he is bending over backwards to try to make this right and I am trying to get over this so we can move on. The probelm is that I am having such a hard time coping. I am not mad at him per say, i understand why this happened. It doesn't make it right or diminish the pain but I understand. I keep trying to tell my self that what is done is done and now it is the past. I have to find a way to put it in my past and move for the sake of our family. We are both trying. I do well as long as I am busy or with other people, but the moment I am alone, it just floods in and I can't control myself. I cry, I scream, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I have lost 5lbs. in 4 days. I just need some support moving on. I don't feel comfortable talking about this to the peopel around me and we don't start counseling til this weekend. I just need a little support. Any sound advice.....

Welcome to MB, and sorry you have to be here. But is the best place to be considering your circumstances. Read as much as you can about the basic principles of this site. Continue to post here and ask questions. There are many caring wise people here who will support you through this. You can survive this. But it will be tough.

You said you are not mad at him? Is that true? I suspect you are still in shock and denial. But that's okay. That is part of the grieving process that you will have to go through.

You also said you understood why it happened? What is your theory about why this happened?

I just found out recently too and while my husband has done all the right things and I know I will be able to forgive him and that we'll stay together it is when I am alone that the hurt takes over. I lost 4 pounds the first week but now it is almost at the two week point and it is getting easier. While the moments of despair are painful, I think it is a necessary part of the grieving process. The time heals phrase must surely apply to this situation. I know while we'll never completely forget that the passage of time will help. I hope your counseling is helpful.

In reply to the "why" question, my husband and I have been together since we were 14 and we have had our issues over the years, but the past year has been very difficult. We were both working 70+ hours a week on opposite shifts, up to our neck in debt and just miserable. Neither of us were meeting the needs of the other and things were getting very difficult.
As far as being mad, I am really not angry at him. After all we've been through together, I just can't be. If he was still trying to hide it or if he had lied to me after I confronted him, yes I would be furious, but he is trying. I think I am more angry at the situation than at him. I am angry that we let our marriage get to this point. If we had been paying attention this would not have happened. That's what makes me mad, the fact that we BOTH let this happen. I mean I can't take responsibility for the actual act ofinfidelity, that was his decision, but the situation leading up to it, I am partially responsible for. We both had become very distant and detatched and just weren't showing each other the same kind of love we did before careers and mortages and children, etc.

I feel better when i write. i sit on the computer for hours typing letters to him, just spewing every feeling that comes into my head. He reads them. He has even written back to one of them. I think that this situation is actually going to be good thing in the end. before all of this my husband would have shut down, got defensive and just been angry, now he has opened up to me (I still think he is trying to sheild me from some of the details because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has) and he is actually there when we are talking.

It's the down time that is driving me nuts. It's like i am scared to be alone with myself. Even for a moment, because i sink. i don't want to let myself sink into all the negativity around this.

We start caounseling tonight and I am a little anxious. We talked for a while last night, and agreed that we were not going to attempt physical intimacy again until we've worked through this a little more. I think that's good. Maybe we should just take it slow like we're dating again.

That's all for now, thank you for the support. I think the main thing for me right now is to just find some support. people who actually understand and aren't going to tell me to screw it and leave (that is a primary reason I haven't talked to anyone, I don't want to here that)

I feel so much like you do. We have only told a couple who is our best friends and a trusted Aunt and Uncle. The Aunt is a counselor and has of course been very supportive. I thought that I was the only one who has thought that this could all end up being good in the end. We have already seen so many positve changes. It is the alone time that is hard. I stay at home but my husband works about 80 hours a week. My house is so out of control after the events of the last two weeks but the kids are luckily too young to care and don't have a clue of the turmoil. My story is on this topic under found out two weeks ago. I'll say a prayer for your first session.

Well, it seems like you are on the right track. The good news is that if you are both committed to recovery, you stand an excellent chance, especially if you follow the principles of this site. You will get lots of support here and you can vent too if that's what you need. But it will be tough and you can expect an emotional rollercoaster.

You might want to post in the GQII board, since it gets much more traffic. I'm glad to hear you're going to Marriage Counselling (MC). That will be very good for you - so long as your counsellor is pro-marriage.