hi everyone,

i just have a question to everyone, has anyone ever been a WS, then came out of the fog and realized what he/she has done and wanted to fix the marriage just to find out that the BS has someone else now. Has any marriage like this been able to be saved?

Why?

I have noticed this phenonmenon for years. You are another example. When the BS (your husband) shows the WS that they have let go, is when the WS suddenly decides they want to come back. As is typical when this happens they come back STRONG (like you are)..

Your ex has shown you he has let go and you are responding in typical fashion.

Yes, there have been marriages that have been saved when this happens. You have your work cut out for you to win him back. He would be smart to be cautious of you from all that has happened. I think you should periodically stay in touch with him, but keep all pressure off of him when in contact and just become "friends" again. Judge your next moves by his reactions to you when in contact. It will more than likely seem too slow for you, but it may take some time in this instance because of past behaviour.

Good luck

thank you for your answers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just wanted to know because at times i get the feeling, what right to i have to hope that his relationship fails. And would it not be best if i would just let it go. Since this also makes matters more difficult, i was curious if any other couple ever made it through 2 affairs like this.

Many couples don't make it through 2 affairs, because the resentment is just too great. For me, I was willing to forgive what I considered an aberration of character, but would not be willing to forgive a way of life. More than one affair would tell me it was a way of life, rather than an aberration and I wouldn't be interested in such a person.

Dr. Harley states that often the resentment is just too great from which to recover in repeat affairs and he agrees sometimes it just best to cut your losses and move onto something better.

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
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In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery.

With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

I agree with ML. The 'way of life' cheater has a crack in the 'foundation' of his character.

It's not so much that he can never repair it. It's not an impossible situation per se. It's just that by the time he hits 'rock bottom' and is willing to make the necessary changes...the BS has run often out of gas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Daggi,

How are you doing?

L.

well... i am doing barely ok...

i had this internet affair, and H is having the affair now... he got together with her while i was still hooked on my affair.. so he didnt have two affairs... we each have/had one. It just seems so hopeless atm...

Daggi,

When did WH know about your affair? Were you still all in Germany? Why did he leave and go to Kuwait - just more money or was his job transferred there.

Are you and the children okay?

hi Traicionado,

my H knew about the affair very early on, i basically told him about 2 weeks after i was sure about my own feelings. I told him back then that i was in love with someone else. Yes, it was still in germany. He left for Kuwait about a year later, telling me that it was because of our money situation, but just a few weeks ago he told me it was because he couldnt stand living with a wife that loved someone else. Our lives were pretty normal that year, we still watched movies together, held hands... cuddles.. etc.

The kids and me are not ok... he comes by less and less... and keeps himself busy when he is at our place, then when nothing else is left to do... he leaves.. he just seems not to care anymore....

Well as a BS, I can understand this feeling. That is a very difficult thing for a man to do. What made you change your mind? How did your affair end?

my affair wasnt really an affair anymore after the time when my H cut me off OM for 3 months. The contact i then had with OM was not how it was before, i still had the same feelings for him of course, but he had grown more distant, and the more i wanted time with him the more he withdrew. We played online games for about a year together, but since he wasnt there for me anymore like before i guess i distanced myself from him over time. By the time i broke all contact with him, i was "over" him. I guess another thing that "helped" was having my H home for 3 weeks that christmas. 2 1/2 months after that, i broke it off with OM.

So i guess you could say it ran its course, my H atthis time had his affair and had stopped "pestering" me. We still had daily contact, but we talked as friends, but it was pretty "cold" between us. I also didnt know how to approach him again after this, guess iwas afraid of exactly that what really did happen.

So you ended the PA but kept the EA going for a while until the A eventually died but by that time WH had already taken the job in Kuwait and established his own affair because he decided you were still involded in your own affair. Just doesn't sound like love to me. I think his relationship with the OW is more out of convenience and availability. Just my opinion. It sounds like he was treating your marriage with just about the same respect you were at the time.

Now your A is over and you want to try to get your marriage back. You have really hurt your husband's self-esteem. He needs help to build that back up. Right now I don't think he believes too much in himself. IMO he would dump the Filipina in a heart beat. Maybe there is hope for you after all. It will take a lot of work.

well i never met OM in real life, so it was never a phisical affair.

WH was told OM for a veery long time that he still loves me, and she had accepted that with the sentence "if WH is in kuwait he is mine, if he is in germany, he is BS"


How can i reach him though, if he doesnt let me get close enough?

I told him before, she would never hang around that long as i have, if things were reversed... he didnt reply, but i think he knows.