This is my first time to post. I've been looking at the board since finding out the news. I'm a SAHM married for almost 15 years to my college sweetheart with two preschoolers. We're both Christians with a marriage that has definitely been much more good than bad. We've gone thru ups and downs with his long education/career path but I've always been supportive. After we were married I found out about things in his past that I believe have contributed to our current problem. He was sexually abused and exposed to porn at a very young age. Our first problem was Internet porn, he stopped after we discussed it but then years later he started again. Six years ago he started back, we discussed it and he mentioned getting in a chat rooom. He stopped again. I never found anymore evidence of it. I would ask if he was being "good" when I was away. He would say he just wasn't in to it anymore. Fast forward to now, 6 years after the chat room, bouts of depression on his part, a couple of years out of med school, two kids and in medical residency...I find out he has gone through periods of entering chat rooms when I would be out of town. This led to 4 one night stands in 6 years with no contact after the fact. Also a lot of email exchanges with the excitment being the talking and the planning but never excecuting.He has been very open and honest about what all happened. There was never any long term emotional connections. It does seem to very much just be about wanting something differently sexually. I'm the first to admit our sex life was lacking. We both still love each other and want this to work. I think we've made great progress in improving our communication re: sex and him also realizing his addiction. He has done everything I've asked of him, is very remorseful and we'll be starting counseling in two weeks. I guess I just wonder if I'm crazy to be so forgiving. The first week we went through all the pain of hashing it all out, trying to figure where we failed and now we already seem to be rebuilding. We've even been intimate and it was actually great. We've both expressed that it seems like we are getting the chance to start over. I just wonder if this is unusual to come so far so fast. I think the fact that he was not in love with someone must make it easier. Of course now I wonder if our real sex life can be as exciting as his pretend one. From our discussions the talking was more fulfilling than the 4 encounters due to the guilt/shame. Has anyone experienced a similar type of affair and been able to succeed??

This is similar to my situation albeit my husband never went through with any sexual encounters.

It's true that SF in the marital relationship is an important EN, but what I found was that the problem had less to do with sex than it did with ego.

Interactive porn is different than regular porn. You experience regular porn as a voyeur. It is two-dimensional. It doesn't feed the ego.

Imagine entering a 'room' full of divas. Each man around you vies for their attention, but it is YOU that elicits their response. Heady stuff, isn't it? Particularly to a person who is low in their self-esteem.

What's worse is that in the interactive setting, bad behavior is quickly normalized, and the pressure to prove to your peers that you have the cajones to carry through is what makes you REAL and not a poser.

Given the fact that your husband has actually bought into that mind-set, you have your work cut out for you in turning this around. My two cents.... He's going to need some SERIOUS therapy to find out what specifically is lacking. There's probably something there that requires him to 'feed his ego'.

Thanks for your input. He has told me that when he had the periods of getting into these rooms it was like he was a different person. Because of his heavy work schedule and the fact that I'm almost always home when he is this was luckily something that didn't happen for 6 years straight. No telling how many people there would be and I wouldn't be able to get past the number. Four is bad enough. There is no one who has ever known him in the real world that could even begin to fathom he could do this. He was the perfect kid...probably in response to the sexual abuse that no one ever knew about until he told me...he was an eagle scout, top athlete, excellent student, popular, respected....he has also been the perfect husband in so many ways which is why I couldn't just leave. I knew I still loved him and that these bad choices didn't erase all the good. I know self-esteem plays a role and especially now when he is so low now that I know what he's done.

If you are a Christian, then you already know the answer to this question. Just read the parable of the unmerciful servant. Just as you have been forgiven of much, so you must also forgive.

BUT it is a proces. You must understand the process of forgiveness, the stages, the feelings you are likely to encounter on your recovery. You might still have feelings of denial and anger and grief ahead of you.

"Forgive and Forget" by Lewis Smedes is an excellent resource.

I don't think I am any position to help you yet, because I am new to this process myself, but I wanted to offer you my understanding. I too, am a SAHM Mom, with very young children. Our first problem was internet porn as well. I just made my first post under "letting go of resentment" if you want to read that and see my story.

I have been reading these boards for several weeks now. There is a lot of hope here. I wish the best for you.

Want to recover...I read your story and of course feel your pain. I think the internet porn has just made problems for so many. I do wish the best for you as you are starting what will be a long journey. You're right...these boards give hope.

Intention...you are right...I do know the answer. I just think I never thought this is how I would react to such horrible news. It has felt like a God thing. That is what hit me from the start. If God who is sinless can forgive then how can I who am so not sinless, not forgive. I read your story...how are you now?

Thanks for the book advice.

This is such a key point. His desire to be a "different person" tells you something about his attitude toward his REAL life.

You know, I think there's a HUGE temptation to internalize your spouse's behavior when it's a sexual matter. This is the one area where we can't really do comparative studies.

Most of us compare ourselves to other people on a fairly regular basis. We want to know that we're okay...we're up to par. We can compare our house, our car, our morality even, but how do you compare where you rate as a sexual partner?

I think that's why we tend to assume that there's something intrinsically wrong with us. It seems so obvious that if our spouses are looking for sex from someone else, it's because somehow we're not good enough.

But it's not true.

And when you accept that it's NOT about you, you can let go of some of the pain you felt in being rejected. You can join your partner's team in a support role, but you can allow for the truth that it's his problem and ultimately his choice and responsibility to fix it.

Anyway, that's what worked for me, and as an added benefit it furthered my ability to forgive him too. Because it's easier to access your sympathy for a person who you see as struggling with their own demons. It becomes less of a personal affront.

I didn't have hardly any trouble at all in finding forgiveness after I stopped making it about ME. It still hurt though, because I thought I knew him better than that, and I had trusted him so completely.

My thought on 'forgiveness' is that it's like a debt which can NEVER be repaid. What coin is worthy of your pain? How can he ever pay you back? He can't.

That's what made it possible for me to 'write it off' as a debt which could never be collected.

When it's all said and done, no matter if the marriage is saved or not, forgiveness is something that you do for YOU anyway. Otherwise, you're standing there in perpetuity with your hand out, awaiting a payment which will NEVER come.

I totally agree with you re: forgiveness and realize what aspects are not about me. I do feel like that I was not a good communicator though about sex and we have already been able to have talks we never could before. I also like your explanation of it as a debt that can't be repaid. I think the accepting someone who is dealing with demons part is true too. While he did sin against me and God, he sinned against himself and I can't see how I can turn away from someone who is so broken. Especially with all the years we've been together and the fact that we have children. Foremost, the fact that I know I love him and still feel like I can have a life with him in spite of the affairs. I have not dealt with great feelings of rejection yet because he's always wanted me. I think my biggest hurt, the affairs aside, is all the lies I was told. He has always been so honest that it is hard to grasp. As for how he feels about his real life, we've always discussed that he can't be happy with the right now or what was just achieved...it's always looking ahead. He has had to delay a lot of gratification due to the long path of becoming a physician. He also had not dealt with his sexual abuse as a child. None of this excuses it but it does help me be able to explain it to myself and feel like there is hope since he is willing to deal with all the issues. We both feel like we will be happier than ever once we make it through this. I just dread that I won't ever truly forget and now have this new reality where I know he's capable of it where before I did not.

I have not gotten a book yet...just reading things on the internet and our counseling will not start until the first week of May. Plus we are going into a time period where we won't be able to talk about everthing like we have the first two weeks because of work/life requirements. I don't want the minimal time together and lack of time to work on things together to be of detriment so I feel like I should start a book. There's no way he'll have time the next few weeks but I could. "Forgive and Forget was mentioned to me...I also see a lot of mention for "Surviving an Affair" or "His Needs, Her Needs"..Any advice on which one to start with?

MB seminar end of this month in Orlando..if you both can get away. Otherwise, order the home study course.

Dr. Willard Harley recommends that you spend 15 hours a week together.

Hi March 27th, you asked the question if your real sex life could ever be as good as the pretend, the answer is it can be greater than the pretend. You just have to know the secret to getting there. You see his secret sex life was not about sex. Your husband actually sounds like he was taking the same type of route took most of time and that was online chat. I'm looking at your husbands career and it's a tough one. It's hard to go through medical residency and I applaud you for being there for his support. But his sexual acting out, has nothing to do with you. So I want you to take all the blame, all the hurt you might have placed on yourself for feeling you might not have been good enough and lay it aside. This problem is not about you, it's about the abuse and the problems your husband dealt with when he was a child. These problems existed before you ever met him. OK! I want you to fully understand that this problem is his to own and is not about YOU.

You see this problem is about deep emotional issues of his childhood past. You have already stated them, he was sexually abused and exposed to porn as a child. These problems left him emotionally damaged as a child. And when the adult starts looking back and trying to reason out some of the things that happened as a child, you have to remember it's an adult mind, looking back through child eyes, experience child throughs, but tying to reason as an adult what happened to a child and it gets very confusing. The adult can figure out why the child could not cope with the situation, but the truth is, THE CHILD WAS JUST A CHILD.

It takes counseling to get down to some of the issues. It take talking and opening up and getting to the emotions. Your husband in opening up and talking with you may be getting to the heart of some of his issues and maybe that is why things are improving. Removing the shame of the past is very important. Digging through the hurts and wounds to clear them out. Getting rid of all the hidden secrects and making things open and honest. One of the quotes we often use with our groups is "honesty heals, secrets kill".

So, whats makes things great. Opening communicate, creating intimacy where the fears that might have held back opening up and talking are gone. If he learns he can come to you anytime and talk about anything he will be less likely to act out. If his anxieties and fears can be revealed to you, he is less likely to act out. Men try to his those anxieties and fears thinking they have to be MEN....but that's not men.

Trix... Thanks for the info. I wish we could get away or even spend 15 hours a week together but he is a medical doctor in residency that works up to 80 hours a week so time is tight. Home study we could do.

Ask me...What wonderful insight you have. I so commend you for your work on your recovery and your willingness to help others. I really think we are on the right track and am so excited for the improved future I see. I know I have so much to learn and unfortunately not a lot of free time to learn it so it is so great to get these pearls of wisdom. Okay...I do get that it is his problem to own...I may have to read your post again and again as a reminder <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hopefully he will find the right counselor. We are starting with an experienced marriage counselor through our church and he will help us find further counseling if necessary.

March27 - thank you for posting to my threads. It does sound like we are going thru similar things. My H also started w/porn, but instead of chat rooms he slowly got into the bar scene w/o my knowledge.

We had our 2nd MC appt last night and we talked about H's past and difficult childhood. We also touched on my inability to be intimate and the reasons for that. I think when you see the MC it will really help you guys. Until then, read, read, read. We've learned more about each other in the last 2 weeks than in 10 years.

Hang in there and update us when you can. I want to encourage you w/something my best friend told me. She said we (my H and I) are where we are now (on the road to recovery) b/c of my faith & trust in God and b/c of my responding in a godly way (except maybe the first 2 days). I believe that for you as well. You are an incredibly strong, faithful woman in Christ and I applaud you.

There are many responses you and I could've embraced that would've only led to a path of further destruction. You and I are choosing the path that leads to blessings and peace that passes understanding.

24give....I totally agree with you even though right now it is so hard to believe and understand. I had always thought I would have the Loraina Bobbit response. I still think my FWH thought the same and still thinks the shock will wear off and I'll go postal. Actually I don't think that will happen. Right before we had the big conversation where he revealed his PAs I looked at him and said even if you have had sex with someone else I will be able to forgive you and I'm not leaving. Now that was the Holy Spirit...I think it allowed him to be totally honest. I think you are doing a great job and I know God will bless our marriages and they will be stronger than ever. I'm glad your MC has been positive. I'm so anxious to begin. Like you we got closer those first two weeks and it is hard that we are now facing a 2-3 week period with very minimal time for in depth conversations. I feel like that makes it harder to push the negative thoughts out. I had told you about not keeping on looking at evidence but then yesterday I started going through the memory on the computer and found something that I know he didn't know was there. It was a type of log from chat rooms from the past year. It didn't show what he said but it showed every person he sent a message to. Of course some of the screen names of the women made be livid!!! This is definitely a roller coaster but having faith in end result is such a help. I had read in one of your threads where Lady Jane or maybe, oh, I can't remember talked about throwing herself into prayer or bible study. I've found that for me it is just the little prayers through out the day and just reading a few verses is all I can do. I think I'm sometimes afraid of the flood gates opening and being too emotional to deal with my little ones who I have 24/7!

I listened to your advice about not looking at the evidence (phone call record); I carried it in my purse, would see it there and tell myself to make a choice not to dwell on it.

I cling to Phil 4:8 "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things"

True - my husband is inperfect, sinful, just like me

Noble- my H told me the truth when it was the scariest thing to do (I'm sure Lorena Bobbit was on his mind too)

Right- we are fighting for our marriage

Pure- our precious children who deserve an intact family

Lovely- the brokeness I've seen in him b/c of my forgiving response

Admirable- the many people on this forum that have fought their way to recovered marriages

Excellent- think of Hosea and his trust in the Lord

Praiseworthy- Jesus!

Hang in there March, the next weeks w/limited time w/your H will be difficult. Never forget that Satan is prowling like a lion looking for every opportunity. My H worked late yesterday and even though I knew where he was and even though I knew he was telling the truth and even though he called me throughout the day...even though...I was on an emotional roller coaster.

God knows what you can do, what you can handle and what you can't, he promises not to give you more than you can bear. Take good care and hopefully I can follow my own advice. ;-)

Let's hope we can practice what we preach!!! It can be so hard. Phil 4:8 is a wonderful verse to cling to right now or at anytime. I had memorized it for a bible study last fall. I do truly believe that God won't put more on me than I can bear with him by my side. Like you, I know that is evidenced by our reactions to this.
I'm glad you made it through his working late. My first big challenge will be the first time I leave town without him because this is when he would get on the computer and start hooking up. The logs from the chat room show him doing it probably everytime I left town the past year.

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for thosw who trust in him." Nahum 1:7

Hi March, how are you? I'm hanging in there.

Do you have to leave town? My H told me that the internet porn would get really bad when I was out of town too. We have decided that at least for now (maybe years) we just can't be apart at all, I won't even consider one night away.

If you absolutely have to go, can something be set up that would give you control of the computer, or maybe remove it while you're gone. My H would only look at porn on his laptop, so he had me put a password on it to keep it from going bad places. I'm not real savvy on this stuff, but I bet others on this forum are. Just a thought.

Oh, 24give, I'm doing okay. The last few days were rough because he had to work A LOT. I did not heed my advice and spent a lot of time snooping. I had found a record of all the screen names he had sent messages too or recieved messages from when chatting in a yahoo room. I looked at trying to find any profiles. I didn't really find anything but after I found this list on the computer I saved it on a CD thinking it could be evidence if he ever did this again and things didn't work out. Well, we ended up talking last night and he had noticed I had deleted all the recent history on the computer. I told him what I had done. He knew I had found the file. He of course didn't know about the file until I told him. I also told him about the backup CD and he was of course very hurt. I know I have to focus on the future and not the past but I think it is just so early in the game. I think I am now over the snooping. I really believe he has confessed at all but there is that morbid curiousity...wanting to see what someone looked like, etc. I am trying so hard to claim the verse you mentioned.

Yes, I do leave sometimes to go home with my kids and he often cannot due to work. We only have the one home computer for him to access and he would not do it at work b/c he could lose his job. I'm sure we will put something on the computer to make it harder. His chatting and meeting people almost exclusively happened when I was gone. He says he has no desire whatsoever now and I believe that. I think he is so relieved to have this enormous monkey off his back and be on the road to recovery. A Christian living in sin is miserable but a Christian breaking free from sin is definitely not. I know we can't be naive and not take precautions and set boundaries though.
I'm with you. It will be hard for me to leave town but I will have to do it in the next couple of months.