Two months ago I found out that my husband had been involved in a 3 month lunchtime affair. Although physical a few times, it seemed more to be about the the thrill of leaving each other text messages and voice mails all day long. He agreed to NC immediately, but three weeks later I discovered that a week into NC she had called him, and the text messaging and calling had resumed. He met her one time in a parking lot to tell her he was crazy about her and couldn't live without her. When he was caught, he said it was not about her, and he just needed to be on his own and figure out what he wants. (And no, I did not believe that!) But with the help of MC that night, he again agreed to NC, and that has been a month ago. We have been in MC since the first day, and when he agreed to NC the second time, he promised he would let the MC know if he broke it. I am pretty sure he kept it at least the first few weeks. At one point OW sent him an email that he told me about, and it asked how he was doing, so it sounded like she hasn't talked to him. I am not sure about the past week, but I am hopeful.

Of course, he is "in love" with her, not in love with me, all the usual things that I have seen in posts on these boards. I think reading these boards has kept me sane, it helps to see that there are couples who have made it through this. And he believes our marriage is so damaged it cannot be fixed. But he is living here, agreeing to NC, and seeing the MC every week. From what I have read here, this may be about the best I can expect from a WS this soon in the recovery process.

I am trying Plan A. I didn't start off so great, and I still struggle, but I think I am finally getting it on track. But I do have something that I can't seem to deal with, and I am hoping someone can help.

I have felt so humiliated because the person he "fell in love" with, is the office screw-up. It is common knowledge at his company that she and everything about her life is just a complete mess. My husband got the chance to be her "Prince Charming." Rescue her from her husband who is usually in jail, pay her outstanding warrants to keep her out of jail herself, and basically rescue her from her life. There is so much more about her, but it really doesn't matter. The problem for me has been feeling that all the people he works with must think I am a real basket case if he would choose her over me. (Just a note- his company moved him to a new location - he doesn't work with OW anymore)

This humiliation has been intensified by well meaning "help" from family memebers. Saying they didn't know how bad things were between us, telling me what issues I should work on, etc. I know they are trying to help, but everything and everyone is just creating a growing resentment in me. It seems like everying that is said to me seems to be making the affair my fault. That somehow I didn't make my husband happy, so this is on my head.

What makes me mad, is no one knows that my husband has a sexual addiction. When I married him, he would stay up late at night for hours playing "Freecell." It took me a couple of years to figure out he was hiding internet porn behind the game. He agreed to stop, but over time, I caught him again. He always agreed to give it up, but just got better at hiding it. So for the sake of our children, I came to accept that if he kept it out of the house, I just needed to stop looking for it. So, I knew he still did it, kept a PO box, credit cards I didn't know about ( of course I really did.). When I asked him to choose me or choose porn, he chose porn. Maybe I should have been harder on him then, it might have saved me what I am going through now. This did cause huge sexual issues in our marriage. And, he has horrible issues from his childhood. He believes his parents do not love him. So he has never accepted my love for him either. He has told me he never believed I loved him, always expected me to leave, and has always tried to push me away. He has told me this for years, not just since the affair. I am not sure he has ever had any real self-esteem in his life.

So I want to scream to everyone that I married a lying, secretive, sex addict who is incapable of love, and have spent 9 years trying to love him anyway. I know I have made mistakes, I know what they are, and am trying to change moving forward. But when I saw problems in our marriage, I tried to fix them, and asked him to work on them, and tried to show him how. (I was doing this before the affair.) What does he say - when he wasn't happy in our marriage, it never occured to him one time to try to fix it, and and he decided two years ago that he would have an affair with anyone who offered. I'm angry, and I am trying not to direct it at him and offer forgivness, but I guess I am just getting caught up in a "life's not fair" mentality when people try to make this my fault.

Although I am really disappointed in my husband, and have days that I wonder if I am crazy for even wanting this marriage, I have to admit he has a lot of great qualities too. He is such a great Dad that my friends look at him with envy and tell me all the time they wish their husbands were more like him (Now I laugh to myself - it's a joke to me to think that if they only knew what they were wishing for...)

So how do I push this resentment aside? Since I want my marriage to work, I really don't want to tell anyone about the porn addiction. I guess I am still keeping his secrets, and that is part of the resentment. But my motivation to tell is just to switch the sympathy to me, and I know anything that selfish can't be a good idea.

I think it's also possible that right now I am just inclined to be overly sensitive to everything because my real fear is that contact has or will happen again. There seem to be so many wonderful people giving advice on these boards, it gives me hope that I will make it through this! But I just don't know how right now.

I'm so very sorry to read about your situation. I am NO expert but its clear that your WH is very self destrictive. You sound well grounded. I would think the issues are not at all on your head, but his alone. My family members do not know of my situation. If they knew I would think it would only bring more distress.

There are answers and resolutions ahead. I sincerely hope they are what you want. My advice is don't settle. Direct your marriage to a higher level. In the end this is probably the only place where happiness for you lies.

Andy

Do they still work together?

Oh, never mind, I just saw where you said they don't work together anymore.

You are probably looking at 18-24 months to recover from his affair. You are SUPPOSED to be resentful, angry, scared and many more emotions that are all a normal part of grieving. This will not go away overnight.

As he withdraws frm the OW, his feelings for you will come back as long as you try to meet his needs and don't push him away. Sorry you are here, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your responses. Sorry my post was so long. I guess I didn't realize it when I was typing. I'm a little frustrated!

Andy
Thank you for your support, and you are exactly right. I feel that I have to be the one to direct our marriage to a higher level.

MelodyLane
Not anymore. The affair was with an employee he supervised. Her husband was going to expose the affair to the company. My husband confessed first, and was reprimanded and moved to to a different building about 20 minutes away from where she works. They no longer have any work relationship. Still close enough to meet for lunch though I'm afraid...

W2R,

Your WS is using his past as an excuse not to move forward. Mine did the same. Call Steve for a plan. What he needs is someone from a male perspective t/b like a big bro or dad that can help him see how it is safe to show love to his family.

Mine came from a family of 12 + 1 (girl) who is 6 weeks younger than my H. H is #3, so you can guess what had been going on. The story gets worse but safe to say his parents are divorced (one time that's for the better) and each child in that family has had problems adjusting to being married.

So it isn't about you, like it really wasn't about me. I was also busy working and not much c/b done about that. But for us to heal, the Xws had to come back and be responsbile. More than he had ever been. To himself he felt he was responsbile in reality he wasn't. He had to see what the rest of us saw. Once he did and made an effort to make us feel safe and cared for, then the healing began.

Call Steve.

L.

The thought of 18-24 months to get through this seems like an eternity! I hope we can make it. I worry that he will leave every day.

Orchid,
Thaknk you for your insight. We have a female MC. I never thought about the perspective you suggested, but I think you may be right. I have hesitated to call Steve because of the cost, but I know it is a worthwhile and probably necessary investment.

One good thing I have seen in this is that my husband called his Dad to tell him about the affair, and to reach out to him for support. This has never happened in the 10 years we have been together. And his Dad's supportive response reached back and really opened a door for healing between them. (And his Dad said save your marriage too - which made me happy!) So maybe there is hope for their relationship too.

Hi, WTR,

Yes, 18-24 months does seem like an eternity at your stage, because when you look at it, all you can see is more of today; pain, anger, resentment, frustration and feeling powerless. Would that be correct?

I'm at the 18 months and have the privilege to tell you, it isn't days upon days of those feelings. The more I changed, the better I felt, and the easier it has become.

Lots of work, though, on me. Hardest part was keeping my focus on myself.

I am married to an SA, also. It's been 8 months since he viewed porn. He doesn't miss it. And yes, SA is about keeping secrets...exactly. There is most likely some really hard secrets in him from his youth that he hasn't told you about. I'm not psychic...the books talk about it. You can get "Out of the Shadows" and learn more, have some soothing ah-ha moments, but do not try to educate your FWH. Share what you learn out loud, what you find interesting. That's supportive, not instructional.

You do sound grounded and very open to good coming from hideous. Because of that, I'm rather surprised you have chosen to believe others, when they suggest what you could work on, are saying the A is your fault.

I don't believe they are. I believe they are sharing with you what really works...personal recovery. Of course, when it comes to extended family, maybe not. From them, growing up, I heard that men's affairs were the wives' fault

Did you hear that, too? Could that belief be coloring what you hear now?

I'm here for your resentments.

"So how do I push this resentment aside?" You can't push them aside...you made them and they are a part of you. Luckily, they can help you greatly on your personal recovery. Sound odd? I thought so. Did for me.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Comes from someone not meeting our expectations. Since the expectation was ours, so is the resentment...and there you have an important part of your power.

We usually see resentment as forced on us by others' choices. It isn't. We reach for that toxic bottle to drink ourselves.

Let me know if you want to take the journey to your own power (sounds like back when he chose porn over you and several other times), the one God gave you. I would be honored to help.

LA

WTR,
I've read your post and my heart goes out to you.
Your H's issues are are many and I think you would do well for yourself to try to put a little distance between you and your H's issues.
Sure you feel anger and resentment, who wouldn't?
But based on your post, it is perfectly normal to feel that!
If I read your post correcetly, you are wondering and asking yourself, why you feel the way that you do. Let me emphasize, you are perfectly normal in questioning your own sanity, if you will.
The antics of a WS can drive us crazy. They begin to make us question our own sanity and convictions in life. Do not fret if you are are feeling anger or resentment after 2 mos since DDay. I have a revalation to make to you: YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL! I'm nearly 4 years since DDay, and I still have times when I begin to Q my sanity and my resolve to heal this M.
But the thing I've come to expect and realize is, this is perfectly normal. I don't care what anyone says about 2 years or 3 years or anything else about a timeline. It is what it is. Period!
Your H's porn addiction has stolen time and energy away from your M and what it should have been. It has also left him vunerable to an A, which apparently has already happened. The problems have been dumped in your lap and unjustly so, these are issues that He needs to resolve, not you!
The two sides of grieving are anger and sadness.
For the moment, you are feeling the anger. This is as it should be, as, you must experience both for a true grieving process to take place. Don't let yor spirit get too down. I will emphasize to you, that you are perfectky normal in feeling this resentment!
Stick around this forum and learn how so many a BS has been down the exact same road you are now travelling. We often refer to this ride as a roller-coaster. It is aptly named for the obvious reasons.
All blessings,
Jerry

LovingAnyway,
You are so right about resentment. I know that I am doing it to myself. It is just so hard to stop. And I think that you are right that family members are trying to help me with their advice. But when my Dad says I paid to much attention the the kids, and I should have had more babysitters, etc., I do take it to personally, like he is blaming me. I have never had a lot of issues with self-esteem before. I know I do now, and maybe that is part of my problem. I am blaming myself so much that I am projecting that on to everyone around me.

I am very scared about the SA. I am glad to hear there has been success overcoming it by your husnband. I think for my husband, the affair was just the next level of SA. But what is odd to me, is that he has completely given up porn now. The MC asked him to work on it, but what really happened is I said I would rather deal with porn that an affair with OW. I said porn was ok, for the moment. He lost all desire for it. It seems the high for him is keeping secrets from me, the thrill of getting away with it, or the anticipation of getting caught. I will get the book you suggested. I need to try to understand what is in his head. And I am looking for my own power again. Thank you for your offer of help.

shinethrough,
Thank you. This is a roller coaster, and probably worse for me because I am a very emotional person. I feel everthing so strongly, both my own feelings or when I have empathy for others. My husband does need to resolve his issues, the MC has been very clear with him on that, but she has also told me I will have to wait and be patient with him while he does. It is good to know my feelings are normal, because most of the time I feel crazy!

Thank you for all the replies of support. I really needed it today.

Good to know you "take" what is said, isn't it? Then you can "take" it differently?

Blame doesn't belong in a marriage that wants to thrive.

Blame kills.

If you're willing to take blame, you are willing to give it.

I hear your fear about SA. If I hadn't been living with it, I would be scared, too. It isn't so bad when you know that his SA isn't about you...it was formed long before you met him. It is in his control...his choices, not yours.

I looked inside myself traces of SA...so I understand you finding it odd he's given up porn for an A. I get it. It is distraction...find it in all ways in yourself and you will see it more clearly, fear it less...know it isn't a destructive force on its own...doesn't exist on its own...isn't contagious or alive.

My H says he doubts the "anticipation of being caught" wasn't a thrill at all. Get to know addictive cycles, again, you can find them in yourself. Obsessive cycle comes first...leads to acting out...leads to guilt...leads to distraction from guilt...which leads to obsession.

We enable by heaping guilt, believing they are victims because they believe it, and obsessing on them has the same cycle for us, same payoff. Very mirroring and difficult to see. Comes from a reactive marriage. Choosing to be a reactive person.

LA

I'm not sure why this stood out to me.

What kinds of plans could your H put in place to help you feel a little safer about the close proximity?

A lunchtime phone call to you?
Have lunch WITH you, perhaps?

frozen,

I think you really picked up on my greatest fear with the statement you responded to. I am terrified of a false recovery and resumed affair.

It was actaully greaat for me that his company moved him away from OW, but the new location is about 45 minutes each way from our house, so it is difficult for me to check up on him. I make him call me from work when he arrives and leaves so that I can see the number on caller i.d., but I am not sure what to do about lunches. He is in a management level job, and can come and go as he pleases, so it is even harder to know what he is doing.

If anyone has a suggestion of how to check up on him in this situation, I would love to hear it. I am afraid my own doubts are coming to a point that I will ruin Plan A. I found a pre-paid phone card yesterday that he said is old and he doesn't use it anymore. But, it's not like I am able to believe anything he says at this point, even if it might be the truth.

want to recover, you may want to hire a PI. Outside of that is anything that yo may be able to attach to his vehicle that may be a spying device. Digital voice recorder undder the seat may beuseful. Also, I saw on TV where this dad had gottan a type of camera that he attached to his car that allowed him to see where his daughter was going after school. It had a GPS device on it, so it may expensive. But he was able to pinpoint her whereabouts with it.

You shouldn't trust what he says. Trust things you have evidence of and trust his actions.



Some things that have helped me regarding accountability:

My H calls me if he is leaving his office for any reason.

He keeps his cell phone with him, so I can reach him if he is going to be away from his desk.

He informs me, in advance when possible, of interactions with any females. This includes phone calls. (e.g. He is a computer pro and a male friend of ours asked him if he could help fix his ex-wife's computer via telephone. My H called me prior to calling the friend's ex-wife to inform me and to make sure I was comfortable with it)

If he is going to be unavailable or unreachable, he lets me know in advance.

He invites me to functions, including work, whenever possible.

We live about 45 minutes each way from my H's office, too. I still periodically go have lunch with him. I make his lunch for him every day so he eats at his desk. He prefers this, actually, to save money. Also, I think he likes my cooking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Also, we e-mail back and forth all day long.

If he does have lunch away from his desk, he informs me who is going along.

Many of these things are actions my H took the initiative to do because he wants to build trust and accountability not only helps ME feel safe, but helps him remove doubt, which works towards building trust.

This is one thing I meant about paying attention to actions, rather than words.

I hope some of that proves useful for you. I know your personal circumstances may differ.

I am seeing why it was good for me to come to these boards. LovingAnyway, you hit the nail on the head. I am a reactive person, and I have to stop.

My husband does not want to do anything to help me feel more comfortable and build trust. I am going to take the suggestions given here to the MC and try to get some help. That is if my marriage lasts the day. My husband left with a suitcase packed this morning.

It was my reactiveness that started the downward spiral. We had a neighborhood picnic last night, and I couldn't face the possibility of seeing one of our neighbors. She is the OW now living with a good friend's husband since their marriage was destroyed by the affair. I have not run into her since I found out about my husbands affair. I tried to tell my husband about my feelings, hoping for some support. Right. He had no idea why I wouldn't want to be around her, defended their right to be together, and said maybe my friend wasn't a good wife.

I grabbed the car keys and left to cool off, and ended up noticing his briefcase from work was in the car. I found $500 cash, and a receipt for his "secret" p.o. box. He told me he didn't have the box anymore because it expired in March. The receipt clearly showed he has paid through August. But the bigger issue is that the box is right by the building where OW works, so if he was doing something with the box, he snuck to her part of town. And there was an AOl disk, and we don't have AOL.

So reactive me went home and tried to make a call to OW husband to see if I could get the truth. So my husband took the phone and packed. Says he will not live in a prison where I go through his stuff. That he keeps the cash "just in case", that the PO box receipt has been there forever, etc. He believes we need to separate because he needs to miss me and miss the kids to see if it makes his feelings come back. I asked him to stay for the picnic for the sake of our children, and by the time it started he had decided not to leave.

MC just called me while I was typing. She talked to him and he is committed to seeing her with me on Wednesday night. So maybe we can hang in there.

The odd thing is, my life is really the prison. When I am nice to him, he says I am just faking it to trap him. If I am emotional, he says he has just been waiting for me to pull something. He watches my every move and analyzes everything looking for the worst in me. He hates that I am posting on these boards. (He didn't read anything - just hates the concept.)

MC says he has no ability to forgive, and I must give him time to work through that. So after what he has done, I have to sit around and wait for him to learn to forgive.

Affairs just stink! But on the bright side, the MC is planning to hook him up to a polygraph!

MC says I have to take it easy and avoid blow-ups. I really have been working on that. My Plan A was pretty good all week, except for yesterday. I am an emotional person. How can I keep Plan A up 24/7 under his microscope?

Things are just taking a turn for the worse with us, and I need advice.

My husband is determined to move out. Says he wants to leave this house for sure, and possibly this marriage. We are in the 6th week of NC, and I don't have any indication he has broken it. I thought we were trying recovery, even though he has been distant. He resents me for so much.

Someone analyze this: On Saturday, he told me he can't just call up OW and ask her to be with him. The problems he listed with her husband, her kids, his kids, her job, and possibly losing his were all logical and rational. I thought the fog was lifting.

Then when I ask him if she is the reason her wants to move out he says no, but that even if he wanted to be with her, he can't. He can't bring her into this mess between us, and he needs everything with me to be done first. I don't like the sound of this at all.

What is messing up this recovery? If he is still in love with her, do we have a chance? It is so horrible in this house for me right now. Emotional needs are non-existent. He won't even try to let me meet any of his. And he couldn't care less about mine.

He also says I have been wonderful to him (my plan A), he just doesn't feel anything.

LovingAnyway, if you read this can you comment on how his SA might be involved in this. He is losing a lot of his secret life right now. You answered my post before, and you gave me a lot of insight.

He told me he wants to move out again today. I asked him what the kids and I were supposed to do tonight. He said he is not leaving today...this is a process. We will see our MC on Sunday, and talk about everything then.

I set up a session with Steve on Monday morning. Someone help me until then! It seems like it is going to be a really long weekend.

Okay, WTR...breathe and breathe some more. Breathe deeply until you feel light headed and then you'll feel a little giggly.

I hear your pain and torment. I hear you owning you react, not act, and that you are compelled to focus on WH (and he is still WH because of his choices to believe that the OW's BS at the party might be at fault)...and I am here to yank your focus off your WH and place it where it can only be, on you.

Know how to make someone crazy? Give them all the responsiblity and none of the power. Stop doing that to yourself, please.

What is messing up recovery? Respect. You are not respecting your WH...he is separate and equal to everyone on the planet...and so are you. What he feels, thinks and believes are his. Yours are yours. You are not the cause, control or cure of anything that is his. Nor is HE yours.

This is the universal truth of being human. By God's design...he limited us in control and responsibility...and made love unlimited.

Own that.

His SA is thoroughly involved in all of this--SA is living in secret by distraction...he believes he is the cause, control and cure for others, that he decimates others and can save others...because he can't do that for himself.

Leave his SA alone. It is his. His issues are his. All you control is your own.

Why are you choosing the perspective that he wants to leave and you don't know if you should let him go or not? How is that real in any way? If he wants to leave, his choice. His actions are his...his words are his. Not yours. No say. Listen and repeat. Respect that you cannot keep him from leaving, from harming himself or get in the way of his personal recovery. All those choices are his. Respect that.

Stop battling what isn't yours and you will feel relief. Free yourself of carrying his load and stop pushing yours onto his shoulders.

Stop now. Breathe. Know. Own. You can do this. Do not let him define you--that you are wonderful because of your Plan A, or at fault for his A or addiction. Stop looking through his eyes via his words at yourself. You are you.

Only you can define you.

Stop defining him with your focus.

Be you. Harder than you know.

LA