Where I live, we finally had a nice day today. As I worked in my yard, I remembered last year when DS and I slaved outside to make the yard beautiful for his graduation. By the end of May, everything looked gorgeous for his graduation party. With his father being a complete and total CS and absentee dad, it was bittersweet work.

Mulan, my dear, I was thinking of you as the clock ticks down to the high school graduation season. Am I right in that this is the year your son graduates? Nobody tells you how hard your child's senior year is going to be. At the best of times, it's stressful. With a spouse in cheating territory, it's even worse. The pride and the sadness mingle.

I wanted you to know that you are on my mind. I know you've got a timeline in place. I wasn't sure how it was going but I also wanted to send you a hug.

((((((((((Mulan))))))))))

Grapegirl, it was so nice of you to think of me. Yes, my DS18 will graduate in May. He is a great kid and we are waiting to hear back from the large State University where he has applied.

He's only going to two classes in high school right now -- all he needs to graduate -- so he is working more than going to school.

I have a great story to tell about DS18's prom date and the very sweet gesture he made while helping a friend set up his own date -- relevant here, I think if you are a BW struggling to raise a teenage boy who does *not* get the same attitudes toward women as his father -- and how WH missed the whole event.

Yes, WH was out of town on a business trip, but as always he chose to be cut off and unavailable while gone - even to his son, to whom he is supposedly very close. If he had just called or checked in or bothered to turn on his damn cell phone while out at dinner and at the after-dinner "socializing", he would not have missed it.

Well, as with me, it seems he's only "close" to DS18 when there are no coworkers around.

Interesting things have been happening. I don't usually post much about them because I have chosen to bend the MB rules so I really don't have anything to complain about - but hey, give me a little time and I'll come up with an update.

Grape, my WH never moved out and was happy to stay married - but like yours, he sees no reason whatsoever why he should have to "work" at our relationship. Like yours, he has ignored me to death and can't understand why that's a problem since he's a good wallet and pays all the bills. I certainly relate to your situation.

Until later -
Mulan

I'm glad to hear you're well. Can't wait for an update. I love good prom stories. My CH showed up for DS#2's senior prom last year. He took pixs at DS's date's house with his camera with the really big lens...

DD and I went out of town for spring break last week. DS#1 drove down from college and hooked up with us on the beach for a couple of days. Before he left, while DD played in the waves, we had a little talk about his dad. I wouldn't allow any discussion about CH while DD was in earshot. DS refers to his dad as "The Wallet". He hates being dependant upon him but wants to get through school. At nearly 22, DS can talk about how he doesn't feel like he knows his dad and how his dad has never supported his activities by his presence. When I told him how close I am to throwing in the towel, all he said was, "Mom, I support you in whatever you need to do." I bet you get that same speech from your son.

My theory is that my CH and perhaps yours too, doesn't want to have contact with his children unless there is a tangible and immediate payoff. CH will trot his big camera out at somebody else's house. He can get all of the acknowledgement for taking nice pixs. CH definitely played the dad when DS was doing his sport at the State championship level. Any of DD's regular games haven't been worth noticing. CH was happy to squire DS#1 on a tour of his work. He could proudly show around the fine man that he has had small part in raising. CH will call his sons IF he has something big to tell them. On the other hand, CH seldom calls DD. I think contact with her makes him feel 'way too guilty.

So what was your CH's excuse for missing the prom event? What a rare company that does business over the weekend. Did he feel like he couldn't impress your son's date? Did it make him feel old? Or could he just not be bothered.

Maybe being a wallet is the best these guys can do. It is better than the alternative. Your son should be ever thankful to have such a great mom.

sorry . . . no update . . . had another panic attack late last night . . . had closed myself up alone in a separate room, but panic attacks annoy the living h*ll out of WH and I ended up being dragged around the (otherwise empty) house and pretty severely manhandled and thrown down a few times and ordered to "STOP BEING IN PAIN!* (his exact words.) WH outweighs me by about 100 pounds. Not much I could do at the time.

no more posting for a long while . . . seems pretty stupid to try to help others when it's obvious I can't help myself

maybe I will post again after I move out . . . it doesn't seem I've earned the privilege right now.

But thank you for thinking of me. It was very nice of you.
Mulan

Mulan, you do not have to earn the priviledge. MB is granting you the priviledge. I wish to see your posts. I wish to know what is going on. I will worry about you whenever I do not hear from you. You have my permission to be a taker. You do not always have to be the supporter and the helper.

If your school system is anything like ours, you have about 7 weeks until graduation. Seven weeks is an approachable amount of time. This is your time of crisis. It is the time you need to go through with what you plan to do. Last year, I went through the joy of a graduation with the lead weight of a cheating husband. If he had been living in our house, I do not know how I would have tolerated it.

What gives you the panic attacks? The graduation? Your self-imposed deadline? Your cheating husband? Did my post of concern set it off? I did not mean to affect you in that way.

You do not have to accept manhandling from your CH. Call the police. It took a doctor reporting my mother's situation that finally got her away from my father. The authorities helped her get into a HUD apartment. It was something she'd have never gotten by herself. The abuse situation put her to the top of the list for emergency housing.

I am so, so worried about you. I sure many others are too. It doesn't matter that you're not into a strict MB plan, I care about you. If it helps to post to you, I will. If it makes it worse, I'll worry in private. If it would help to email, let me know.

(((((((((Mulan))))))))

Mulan - I hope you don't stop posting. It is apparent that you need help at the moment and if one kind soul can make a difference in your life (Grapegirl) then let her. His abuse is unacceptable and is obviously affecting your emotional state. Do you have a relative you can stay with for a break and some time to clear your head? You need to act because your current 'plan' is not working for you. TT

Mulan,

I always read a post if you write it. In my most horrid days of D day several of you really gave me perfect advice and you were one. Truely, I needed to hear what you said. I had never heard of the terms Buyer, Renter and Freeloader. I bought the book and it has helped SO much. I have since suggested it to a friend of mine.

Everyone has such value here.

I too am very concerned about you being manhandled. Please feel free to talk about it.

PS I have done 2 high school open houses (I get a break for several years now). I will gladly offer suggestions if you need any.

Take care

WH,
Over the last six years, I have tried every way I know to go back to having a real marriage with you.

Even after the severe damage and public humiliation you and your female co-workers heaped upon me and our marriage for so many years, both in Columbus and in Phoenix, I was still willing to work with you to correct our mistakes.

I wanted more than anything to have a solid marriage with you where we put each other first, learned to take care of each other, and were true partners in every sense of the word for the rest of our lives.

I was willing to do this. I tried and I tried and I tried, no matter how upset I was or how much pain I was in. I offered the best solutions I could find, all of them from experts in the field of marriage recovery.

And every last one of them was rejected. I got nothing but foot-dragging, stalling and stonewalling -- and an insistence that everything the experts recommended was really just me trying to "control" you.

I tried. God knows I did. But year after year after year of lies, deliberate deception, spending time with other women while ignoring me, constant neglect, continued abandonment and finally an escalation into physical violence *while I was closed up in a separate room crying* have made it impossible even for me to continue trying.

I am utterly broken and have no choice but to leave. And I can only assume this is what you wanted all along, since you have refused to work with me and refused to try anything that would have made it possible for me to stay with you.

If you change your mind and decide you are willing to commit to a true marriage and a true partnership between equals, I may be willing to discuss this with you.

Otherwise, I will simply stay out of your life while I try to pick up the pieces of my own.

I don't know what else I can do. A master/servant relationship with you is not an option for me, but unfortunately that is all you choose to offer me.

It has broken my heart and my soul and my spirit to lose my family, but I don't know what else I can do.
Mulan

Mulan, where will you go? Kids?

Mulan, is this a real-time thing? Are you sending this message, this letter right now? You have my best wishes and my prayers. Go with God.

Let us know what's happening. (((((((((Mulan))))))))))))

Mulan,

I dont think i have ever posted to you. I just wanted to say your in my prayers and God be with you.

Hurting

Hi Mulan,

I care about you and what happens to you...and so do a lot of other people!

Please come and 'talk' to us....


(((((((((((((((((MULAN))))))))))))))))