hi i'm gekko and i'm not an alcoholic. this is my first thread so please be gentle.

i recently went to my first appointment with a therapist. it was ahuge step for me because i really don't believe in the profession. i counted 53 steps between my car and my lawyer's office and 41 steps between my car and my therapist's office. i don't have ocd i just know that i counted the steps in case i wanted to turn around and leave before going through with either appointment.

anyway, i'm glad i went to the therapist. one - she's extremely attractive. is it wrong that i say that? well she is. i didn't know this before i went but my instinct on picking a therapist was so good that i got one who is hot. two - it was great having someone totally objective to talk to. i have spoken divorced friends but they know and love me. this person with black framed glasses and slender hands was pretty brutally honest with me and it helped. i am going back monday - two days from now and i think it is helping me understand the unanswered and unanswerable questions that bug the crap out of me.

oh, the question - how many of you are doing therapy? is it helping?

well gekko, first off, don't go falling in love with your therapist! haha I have actually totally heard of that happening though. But hey, good for you, you get someone nice to look at, maybe it will keep you going back.

During my marriage I went to therapy on 2 different occassions. By myself, as h would only go a few times than stop. That was ok. I learned A LOT, A LOT, A LOT. Mine therapist did not sugar coat anything either. I found myself and how to be more assertive and independent. Not so damn needy and to live MY life. So glad I did it. I was so entwined in my stbxh that I could not be myself. Now I can and I think I am pretty damn awesome! haha Seriously though, I am a whole different person. I take care of things now, I budget now, I am more organized now, I have my life on a great path now. I have lost 70 pounds so far, I am back to being me again! I go tanning, got a great new hair style. I work out everyday and am on my way to getting my teaching degree and hopefully certified to teach jr. aerobics for teens.

A therapist, if they are good, can help you build the life you want to have. Go for it, keep with it, and good luck. mlhb

yeah, well, i don't think i need to rebuild my live, just tweak it some.

i am a caretaker type and i am very hard on myself. i hold myself to a higher standard than most.

this hot therapist told me that is really the base for all of my emotional crap from this divorce. i look at my marriage as a failure and my failure, which is hurting me, so the hot therapist says.

well gekko, you have a great sense of humor anyway! I don't know what the hot therapist says about that but... lol

My opinion, I think you are not alone when it comes to your feelings of failure. I think when marriages fail, men do look to themselves as being a failure in it. (mine doesn't but he is a narcissist blah blah blah, so it's all my fault... but that's another post haha) And I get the caretaker stuff you are saying as well. But I am sure you did not fail, maybe there are some things you could have done differently, I don't know your sitch enuff to say either way. It takes two to make a marriage, and when only one is working at it, well, its not a marriage is it.

I "caretaked" (nice english huh? I am not in school to be an english teacher thank goodness) til the very end and it got me no where. I have had to learn to take care of myself now. When I am strong and confident and happy with me (and I am pretty close to being there now) than I will be able to be good in a relationship again. Have said "hot therapist" help you learn from your mistakes and those of your ex spouse and you will be totally awesome fine one of these days. The future is yours for the taking.

keep posting... hot therapist just has me chuckling away! :-) mlhb

well, i've only been to one session. the thing is i feel like i did everything to save the marriage. i experienced total emotional and physical abandonedment. yet i am in the best shape of my life - better than high school - i sent her flowers for no damn reason, lit candles (only gay guys light candles-right?), and told her how beautiful she was. yet i still feel like i failed, because i can't see my daughter every day. hot therapist is the first person to tell me to not kick myself for her stuff.

i don't know. i have another appointment monday.

I agree 100% with hot therapist. I did the SAME things you did. I had the same abandonment issues as you as well from my stbxh. I took care of him through 2 surgeries, I backed him in all of his plans for work when he had to go to the academy and than when he had to go to training for the military. Put a lot of my dreams on hold for his dreams. I never minded because I was his wife and that was what I was supposed to do right? I took care of our children, made good money at my job so we could have nice things, etc. I totally hear everything you are saying gekko.

I too, had to stop kicking myself for husband's issues. I did everything right (well, not everything I am sure, I am far from perfect) but nothing I did, no amount of "I love you's", etc, was going to change him. I could not make someone love me who obviously does not love me for whatever reason anymore. Can't be done. I hung on as long as I did for our children. But they deserve better than a sham of a marriage. They need to learn what a REAL marriage and relationship should look like and they were not learning that from us.

Sure, I have looked back and thought if I had only done this, only done that... but it wouldn't have mattered. He doesn't want to be married to me, does not love me, and I cannot change that. It hurt(s) but I'll be ok.

the children are the innocent victims, and I am sorry you do not get to see your daughter everyday. that sucks and I get the staying in a marriage so you could see her everyday scenerio. being the mom, I do have mine everyday, and my stbxh doesn't care that he doesn't see them everyday. He seems to be just fine with being a part time dad. I applaud you that you wish you could be there everyday for her. make your time with her quality and I am sure that you do.

keep me posted on what hot therapist says.... she sounds pretty on the mark so far. mlhb

p.s. it is nice to hear that it is NOT only gay guys who light candles.... hahahaha

btw what does BS and WS mean?

bs means betrayed spouse
ws means wayward spouse

i have some other questions....i have no idea how to ask them

what are your questions gekko??? I am all ears... I will help if I can. mlhb If you don't want to ask them here I do not mind if you email me... We are all here to help eachother right? I see nothing wrong with it if there are questions you don't feel comfortable posting.. Either way, ask away.. I'm sure myself and anyone else would do what we can to answer them for ya... mlhb

mboyea2@yahoo.com

check your email.

thx

Yes, continue therapy. Ask your therapist for books and/or other resources. Find a support group and together, you should find what you are seeking. But most of all, be focused and clear about your objectives and what you need to accomplish in Therapy. The more focused, the more help you will get.

Good luck.

*UPDATE*

Second session with the hot therapist was this afternoon. it went well depsite being very emotional. here's the boring psycho babble: i am a "classic" caretakers who has a hero complex and feels a need to take care of passive aggressive co dependants. i should tell the people in my life when i am angry and feeling neglected. now, the real: i need to be more of an a-hole or at least less of a supernice guy all of the time.

i got emotional several times. no more so than when i found out hot therapist has been married almost eight years. she was wearing her ring today, nice rock, BTW. she 's married to a nice guy as well, and she learned to appreciate him.

i am learning through therapy, that not everything in the world is my fault and or my responsibility, including mstbx's crap. so, as of today i am 1) not leading the war on terror. 2) i had nothing to do with the JFK assassination 3) i did not have sexual relations with that woman, ms lewinsky. seriously, i am liking the therapy sessions because, depsite me paying hot therapist, someone objectively is telling me that i am a good person who has experienced neglect, pain, and can't do everything myself all of the time.

but hot therapist is married, that's the big news.

ps.....has anyone heard of this book: Co Dependency No MOre by Beattie? hot therapist recommended it. next session - a week from thursday.

ok, let me piece this out, inbetween laughing at the humor you have intertwined in this post lol...

number one, and most importantly, you just had to know that hot therapist would be married didn't ya? of course she is! lol But she is objective and neutral, and there will be someone someday out there that will be that for you too in a relationship sense. And, if you are lucky, they too will be hot..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

now, mr. caretaker of codependent passive aggressive women... um... too much of a nice guy huh? well, first off, be glad that your marriage ending did not turn you into an Ahole as some men do turn when their marriage sours. You could be a total synic who thinks hey, being a nice guy did me no good, now I am going to be a jerk. Don't want to do that. I think you can be a nice guy who stands up for your feelings and doesn't allow himself to be walked all over. Like hot therapist says, acknowledge when you are angry or not happy... what good does it do you not to? Doesn't mean you have to blow a gasket, just acknowledge it, let other person know when something isn't right and communicate. I am huge on communication. It was like pulling teeth with my ex. People cannot read eachother's minds. Talking must happen.

I have not heard of that book I do not think... and I do read books from time to time on marriage stuff. Check out amazon.com for it, see what it says there.

Crying and emotion are good things to get all that "stuff" out... crying over the caretaker stuff and dealing with it in a healthy way, hot therapist can help you with... crying over hot therapist being married... well, I would just hit up ben and jerry's on that one and move on gekko! haha

that is my unprofessional opinion on your session today. Kudos to you for going and sticking it out. You have the right attitude for it to work for you. keep up the good work! mlhb (michelle)

i should just throw a few bucks to you and karona. and buy wine.

thx. i feel a lot better after these two sessions. i still feel like a failure because of my marriage ending but i know that i am not the only one who failed. that's a huge step for me.

i also was congratulated by hot therapist for my sense of humor and my arrogant assessment of myself as a great catch. that was a surprise. of course i am paying her.

ya, you're paying her but she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it now.... arrogant assessment huh?
I must arrogant too than cuz I am a damn good catch! don't know what my ex's problem was! haha mlhb

btw, I take cash, check , and all major credit cards... lol (for the advice people, for the advice! haha) mlhb

i haven't met a woman who didn;'t take all three.

one more thing, during the session; she said that people who let others define them have to "reclaim their identity". i feel like that's the missing link to me getting over all of this crap. i feel like my ex's view of me as this safe, good catch, non sexual person is the way other women view me or will view me. its stupid i know but hot therapist said this about four times.

then again i did have a 21 year old cheerleader as a the first person i dated. maybe i am shallow and cliche. niiiiiiiice.

I don't think it is stupid to think all women will view you as your ex did. I think that way too. Like all men will see me as my ex did. And that would not be good since he thinks for some reason I am like this evil terrible person... lol geez, I am in trouble if that is the case! haha mlhb