i am following the same habits, patterns, and issues with my friends and family. i am emotionally available for all of them and they fall short with me.

i also think that dating is scary right now. it seems that in the ten year gap i have had there is a new breed of female that doesn't really care what a good catch you are. they don't seem to care about manners, kindness, or emotionally maturity.

Hey Now, I just caught my name........that always makes me nervous.

Truth is, we are all here to help/learn from each other.

There are many great people here with so much to share and have grown during the process, as you will too.

You are going thru the healing process and doing things right by seeking help. That's huge for most men.

I'm convinced the MB guys are a different breed from the rest, and that's a good thing. They want to improve and heal and be so much more for someone new, someday.
For what it's worth, I think that's fantastic!

You're on the right track gekko!

Karona

well, I think, not all, don't want to stereotype here, but some of the younger women do want a "bad boy" so to speak... they don't seem as interested in stability or the whole picture. They want attractive and fun.

don't worry gekko, there are women out there, maybe late 20's to 30's crowd of us who would appreciate a good decent man, especially after some of the ones some of us have been married to! am I right ladies??? mlhb

i don't know. i am kind of down on you all right now. it's still early in the process. we'll see.

I understand what you are saying. I am not down on ALL men, I am just going to be much more cautious in the future. I am really going to know someone before I commit again. You asked me the other night why men aren't asking me out left and right and as I have thought about it I had an epiphany... I have noticed myself, when talking to men, either at school or where ever, that I am automatically on the defensive and come off maybe as a bit superior or synical or something like that. I guess if I were a man I would maybe not feel like taking the time to break down that wall I immediately put up. I totally think I do that! wow, what a little life changing moment there.. haha I will have to work on that.

mlhb

i'll give you hot therapist's number.

seriously, it's ok to be wary but don't be cynical. i said yes to someone for wednesday night's date when i probably should have said no based on my current attitude. some good has come out of it. its a door opening to something better, i think.

stay positive and stay alert to those around you. just don't date your students. that seems to be going around. you can go to jail for that, you know?

ha ha ha

um, would be quite a commute for me to see hot therapist! LOL

no, not gonna date students either...
I'll work on the other stuff! haha mlhb

hot therapist gave me homework last session. write down what i want and she recommended a book, CoDepedency No More by Melody Beattie. I am sixty two pages into this book and I can say,

hi, i am a codepedent.

i read all of your posts whether you are married or divorced. i see a lot of posting about taking care of people with substance abuse problems, emotional problems, or physical problems. i think this book should be read by all of us. it is about how we, esp those of us who have been hurt, get ourselves addicted to otehrs because we are caretakers.

when i'm finished with both pieces of "homework" i'll issue a full report.

Hey gek <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Chiming in here a bit late on the therapy thing, but I did it also, about a month after exWH and I split, and yup, total life saver!!! I did it for about 4 mos straight and I have to say, I honestly don't think I'd be where I am today w/o it. It got me thru THE toughest time in my life....

My therapist also recommended Co-dependency No More and yup, total life saver! WHAT an eye opener, eh?? As I read it, she had me highlight stuff that resonated, she then wanted me to read the book again, 6 mo's later, re-highlight in a different color, the things that resonated, so that I could see w/ my own eyes the progress I was making. That book really changed my life I have to say. It wasn't easy applying all that knowledge, (and actually saying "no" to people!)but I'm here to say, change is possible gekko, and it's become 2nd nature.

Keep up the good work!

DW

well there gekko, that post should really give you some hope... mlhb

it does, thank you.

my third date i mean session with hot therapist is wednesday. i am 40 pages from finishing the book.

these passages i have found basically describe me and have opened my eyes to a new way of thinking.

"CoDependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get need met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons." page 42. this is me.

"Stop centering and focusing on other people. Settle down with and in ourselves. Stop seeking so much approval and validation from others. We don't need approval of everyone and anyone. We only need our approval." page 107. this applys to me and a lot of people here on this board.

thanks to everyone so far.

well, those 2 passages sure do say a lot. I don't feel that I tried to seek approval of "others" so much as I used to try and get it from my ex simply because I was so starved for even just a morsal of his attention. I wanted so badly for him to be proud of the things I was doing. So in that since, yes, I sought approval from him. I now know I will never ever have his seal of approval no matter what I do (unless I am doing EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO) that was the only way he approved is if I did exactly what he told me to do. It's ok, I don't need his seal anymore. I have always been a go getter, was in management from the age of 18-31, and now work 2 jobs and go to school full time to reach my goals of a teaching degree. I am very proud of myself and I approve completely. My ex thinks I am stupid to be in school, that it is too late for me, etc... I no longer buy that mentality. It is so done.

However, I do believe these fit me to a tee when I was younger. In my teens, and early 20's people walked all over me. Was a definite approval seeker then. I just feel I have grown and become more focussed on me now and that is not a bad thing. I am not selfish at all, I still care tremendously for people and if you are my friend I will give you my last dime if you need it. But I do expect a little give and take and luckily my friendship circle does give this to me. My ex did not. It was always all about him and his pain and his issues. If I needed something, needed to talk, etc.. he gave me nothing. Would not even listen, nothing. It was all about him or it was nothing at all. I do not miss that.

keep up the good work gekko... you are gonna fine. mlhb

sorry for the delay in updating my last date, i mean session with hot therapist. she saw me friday afternoon and i believe i have turned a corner. i read the codepedency no more book and did my homework listing "what i need". i relayed to hot therapist my recent decision to stop dating until therapy is over and the d is final. we have a date for the first week of june for d finalization. therapy should be completed in three or four more sessions, so about the same time. she cautioned me setting a timeline for dating and/or rseuming new relationships. her reasoning is i will fear being alone and latch onto the first jerk who pays me any attention. good point by her. she was quite proud of my book report and how i implemented its lessons in dealing with some second rate relationships in my life. my circle of friends has decreased recently but i am happy knowing that my high standards and my need to have people give back to me is now a top priority. i am no longer taking responsibility for others people's shortcomings.

hot therapist isn't just a looker, she's smart as well. four more weeks of this, i will have to trudge through....

gekko~~

I think you will be happier with your decision to wait to date or potential relationship.
I [not proud of] got into a relationship while separated/waiting for divorce to be final. It was a mess, on my end.
I hurt this guy more than once because of the "stuff" I had to go thru, but didn't give myself the time to. It was a healing/growing relationship for me, and that is something I should have taken care of before including another.

You are doing the work and there will be a payoff.

O.T.~~~~~back to your dating site [even though you're not there currently]
I was at the grocery store the other day and wahlah....
man in the wine isle trying to make a decision on "1" bottle.
Point: He caught my attention! Not only because he was tall and nice looking, but he was cautiously making a decision. OR maybe, he was trying for the converstion thing???
I didn't make conversation, 1)I had my two daughters w/me. 2)I need to work on that aspect of myself.

Just a funny to share!

Karona

thank you for the nice words and the encouragment.

you blew it with tall wine(y) and handsome. ha ha ha. you could have at least given the hair flip or the big smile and head nod. then slipped your number in his basket/cart. come one, you can do better. lol

hey gekko, at your last therapy session I DARE you tell your therapist the name you call her to all of us "hot therapist" hahahaha

u r too funny... mlhb

DONE!

What's the worst that can happen? She throws me out? She's a bit of a flirt as well, I bet she'll just laugh and run my credit card, lol.

well, make sure she doesn't max it out on ya... you may need it in the future.... haha

mlhb

What is the matter with me? i need marriagebuilders' therapy. i forgot to update on my last session.

Friday, three days ago, i met with hot therapist for the fourth time.

She was very impressed of how I seemed to have the swagger back, in terms of self confidence. WE talked about the fairweather friends that i confronted. unfortunately a couple of them are no longer friends. we also discussed my decision to stop dating until the d was final and therapy was over. while she was happy with my great progress in finding myself again and recovering from codependency she was concerned about my fears of loneliness and uncertainty about not having a relationship.

she seemed happy with the "snob" being back. that my high expectations and standards were now central to me, along with my daughter of course, but she seemed concerned that i was worried about my circle of friends being smaller and that i was fearful of being alone after the d was final next month.

i feel great. i honestly haven't had three weeks in a row of happiness like this in a very long time. maybe since before i met my stbx.

next date, i mean session is may 12. so i will think of some way to entertain you all concerning hot therapist in the meantime.

yes gekko, you are such a snob! haha

glad things continue to progress for you in a positive manner with your dates, I mean sessions, with hot therapist.

mlhb