It's important to know the enemy. And for me it was the WS and the OW. But what about their mindset? do they have the same problems we think they do? what do they really believe?

I lurk as you well know, on the infidel website for ow. yea, I do. And as somebody who had minor in psych, it's revealing and helps me deal with the incredible idiot ow and the affair marriage of her to my xwh. Free trip to the other side.

anyway, I was reading their musings and found a post on one of their boards...interesting actually. There are many women on this one board who've figured out that AFFAIRS DON'T LAST! Wow. They figure out that their WS (they call them MM's for married men) lied to them equally as to their wives, cheated on them (yea right...the wife at home is one cheated on) and that they live in a house of cards when in an affair that can crash at any time.

I shall now cut and paste a post that was on there tonight...it was placed there to give an OW the reality of what happens WHEN A WS LEAVES HOME TO LIVE WITH THE OP>

it is INSIGHT! SHOWS US EXACTLY THE ****** THAT THE WS WILL LEAD AND THE OP WILL LEAD WHEN ALLOWED TO FALL TOGETHER! and fall they will. It shows the pain and suffering that the crumbling affair will have if plan A fails...and plan B is implemented...and the boundaries are still broken by the WS and the WS shacks up with OP...or marries OP.

And I see it as exactly what is happening to my xh's ow...whom I unaffectionaly dub the "WISTRESS BRANIAC"..lmao.

Anyway, get inside their heads....and you'll see...IT IS US THAT HOLDS THE CARDS HERE...WE DO...THE POWER TRULY LIES WITH THE BS..WE JUST GOTTA SEIZE IT. IT IS AS IF WE CAN SEE THE FUTURE...NOW, DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO AND HANDLE TODAY!

Hugs,
Peach

below is copied article:____________________________________________________

To all the OW who were left by their M....you are lucky. You don't think so now - now you are broken in half - now you are empty - now the essense of who you are is upside down and eaten away at by pain - but YOU ARE LUCKY!!!!
You don't see it now, and you may never see it that way at all but it is there and it is true.
How do I know?

Because I have had the good and bad luck of experience every aspect of the EMR - including the end where he left me to return to his wife and the unlikely decision afterwards to end the marriage and come back to me.

I spent two months swimming in my own pain - antidepressants, tranquilizers and therapy could not cure me of my pain. Then he came back. "Hurrah," I thought!!!!! My life is going to be good now. He is separated! He bought a house! He is sure he wants to be with me instead of her! The kids are okay! She has a new boyfriend! All his friends are encouraging him how great I am, how perfect we are together! We are holding hands in public! I am referred to as his "girlfriend" Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Yes, all of the above is true... a dream come true, right? WRONG.

There is more to it than that.

Remember that scene in Bridges of Madison County where Merrill Streep tells Clint Eastwood that the moment of perfect love is over regardless of what they do - if she stays with her family it ends because she and he are no longer together - but if she leaves with him it ends becasue she has left her family.

What happens when you continue the journey beyond the EMR with your MM - when you ride the "separation train" (as opposed to the EMR roller coaster) is you watch him suffer the growing pains of a new life (and you suffer while you watch because you can't help but think it is all YOUR fault that he is so broke, so busy trying to balance this new and chaotic life, so ill fed because he doesn't even know how to cook for himself). You learn to hate the W (if you didn't already) because she is a scorned woman and let's face it, even in the best case scenario (which I had, his STBXW is in love with someone else, too), she will carry an eternal gripe towards you. She is also still his Wife. She has established that position and there is no separation decree or divorce paper that will just nullify the structure, albeit not good, that they built over the years. Never mind, if their are kids, they will always be the PARENTS TOGETHER - and you will always be an outsider in that arena. ALWAYS. What about when you meet the kids (which I have not yet)? She will be more embittered. And when her significant other meets them you will watch your STB unMM writhe in anger and fear that will take any security that you had and throw it right out the friggin' window. Somehow you wind up resenting her and her boyfriend and every bit of interference that she is now running in your life to get back for the almighty interference you ran in hers (and truth be said, who can blame her?) Not to mention the resentment that you create inside yourself because you are constantly wondering - did she put more garlic in her spinach dip, did she use to walk around in sweatpants, did she ever fart while the two of them were watching tv?

His family? They liked his wife, even if they didn't, they were USED to her. Who the ****** wants to re-establish all that tense "Nice to meet you, would you like some more turnips?" crap at this stage in the game. Their son was married - he was DONE as far as they were concerned and now he's back acting like a teenager wanting to bring his girlfriend around? They aren't really psyched. Especially since they know this is the girl who started the whole mess and will probably be somehow accountable if their grandchildren turn into car theives and/or heroine addicts.

Friends? They love you. Great. But do they compare you to her after you leave. What about the friend's wives who developed an almost familial relationship with her over the years. You smile and try to be perfect knowing all the while that they are sizing you up and finding fault just because they feel obligated to.

You want kids? Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, do you reallize it won't be just you and he and your child - a family. It will be your family and HIS OTHER family. The kids who are already kind of pissed off at the idea that if he has another baby that baby will get to live with him when they do not. Tension, tension. Tension in his eyes. Tension in your gut. You feel it back there, looming, every time the normally "joyus subject comes up."

What about your family? your friends? "Come on! So he was married? So he cheated on her? So he left his family? Don't you worry about me, your baby girl, your best friend. He won't do that to me. What do you mean "that's probably what he told his wife.'? THIS IS DIFFERENT!!!. Please stop bringing up how he left me to go back to her and a I had a nervous breakdown while he worked on his marriage? Please don't remind me that right before he did that I was also saying "this is different." deal with that.

What about all those exotic trips you had planned together during the EMR?
They are now postponed not because he is married but because he is
a) broke
b) stuck with an erratic "kid schedule"
c) still deep down afraid of the reprecussions of vacationing with you the still SEMI-OW
d) all of the above

and you know what, you kind of miss the highs of the rollercoaster - they aren't there any more. the lows sucked but the highs were like the best drug in the world. Those highs only happen in the EMR. They come back in fits and spurts later but never like they did in the beginning.

so in the end, you get the MM - the relationship becomes a "normal relationship" with all the good and bad that comes with it (more good, after all you still love him to death). But as for

PEACE? Gone forever
NORMALCY? Gone forever
FREEDOM? Gone forever

FYI: I didn't write this to create despair in the minds of the women who's MM's are separating or divorcing. I wrote this to praise the women who got dumped. To praise them, to hug them, to tell them YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! YOU ARE A WINNER GIRL!!!!
You will have peace, you will have normalcy, you will have freedom.
LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
You are not missing a picnic! You are missing a storm!!!!

YOU ARE LUCKY so try to think of all this when you think of "what might have been" - it is real and true and I hope it takes the fairy tale edge out of it enough so that you can start to find that peace a head of time.

And another FYI - I was in IOWA last fall visiting a friend and yes, I went to Madison County and yes, I carved my name and that of MM right there on the inside of that bridge.

I almost hurled btw when I read the last part about carving their doomed lovers' name on the darn madison county bridge.

for that affiar I give a hurl shout out: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

I have to say, as a BS, your post gave me a little comfort. Nice have my thoughts reinforced about it being a hard road ahead of a WS and OP. I can't imagine what it will be like when WH tries to merge OW into his traditional family. Gee, I'm sure they'll be impressed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

One of the best posts that I have ever read here. I could care less that it came from an OW...it was real, it was believable, it was REALITY.

I am sure some will find some satisfaction in the original posters despair of reality....but that is not the point. Peach, wherever you found that post....nice !!!

just what i needed to read tonight before turning in!!!

thanks Peach i soooooo needed that today!!!!!

Jaysmom

Peachy,

Good going my friend...... It makes things so much easier to accept knowing this is how it will be for them.

They will always be second best in the minds of all involved.....

I love ya girl for posting this....


Hurting

Reality. What a trip. Thanks for the post Peachy. Have a good night. I too wanted to puke though. Ugggghhhh. I d that book and movie by the way along with The Horse Whisperer. Ugggghhhh !!!!!!

WOL

Peach,

Did you say you got this from a website. Is there really a web site for WS's?

no....a website for the ow's.

like they need a support group...

if it were up to me (written as I take a sip of a martini), I'd support them in taking a long walk off of a short pier! that's the extent of my support. but hey, we're helping...helping them just end their misery much quicker and it's a good thing right?

I liken myself to being the Dr. kevourkian of affairs...let's help them outta their misery!

yes, I like being feisty!

Wow. I can't believe there is actually a site for this. Do you know the URL. I'd like to pay them a visit.

This is the part that always gets me. Why in the world would anyone in their RIGHT MIND cultivate a "relationship" with someone who DOES NOT BELIEVE THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH ADULTERY?" Isn't that sort of asking for it? Normally, when a person chooses a mate, common sense would dictate that fidelity and honesty would be top requirements. Are they really stupid enough to imagine they can change him? Methinks these women are none too bright and don't use their freedom to choose a mate wisely.

They are not in their "right mind". They don't care about any of this. They are motivated by the FEELING..THE HIGH..the OW produces..LOGIC flies out of the window once they start getting that high....FWH was just talking about this..this morning..how he knew that it didn't MAKE SENSE and was WRONG but IT FELT GOOD..YUCK....

After becoming hooked, he tried to support the OKness of his ADDICTION with use of rationalizations...

But how does that explain the mindset of the OW?

"Are they really stupid enough to imagine they can change him? " YES

"Methinks these women are none too bright and don't use their freedom to choose a mate wisely." "Fools rush in where wise men fear to go..."

JP, if your "research" ever reveals the real "why" of all this, please let me know!

BINGO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The OW FEELS that her DRUG will CHANGE him...

She recognizes the POWER OF HER SPELL...

She is not functioning LOGICALLY either..

It's about EMOTIONAL POWER...EMOTIONAL CONTROL, IMO...

Oh, I agree she is not logical, that was my point. But you were talking about the MM when I was talking about the OW. What is driving her blindness is not the same as what is driving the blindness of the MM. He is in a fog, she is just irrational and stupid.

I'm not seeing OW as STUPID, Mel...

The OW in my sitch was VERY CUNNING...aware of her emotional control..

What they don't understand is the GREATER POWER of the BW....

Or living in a state of eternal entitlement and selfishness...