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#1632407 04/08/06 10:04 PM
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I need ideas for re-gaining desire for husband or do I have to keep doing it until I get it right?

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Eagle15too==If you still love your husband and you really want your marriage to work out, the desire will come back !! You have to open your mind, and heart and be receptive to his love and attention. The want, desire, for him will come back to you if you truly welcome it with open arms and heart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Myrta

P.S. I am a FWW just like you and right after DD I did not have any desire. But
things are very different now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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Eagle

I am sorry to tell you I do not have any ideas, but as a BS I applaud you for asking. I am sure there are many FWW's that will be able to offer you words of encouragement.

I do think you feelings are normal though at this stage and will pass, but from what I can read from others, at first SF will be ackward, uncomfortable, and not feel right, but over time that passes and the enjoyment and desire you are seeking comes back.

I hope some others chime in for you. Don't give up.

WOL


BS (Me) 43 WW or FWW 40 2 DS's 16 and 13 Married 21 Years D-day 9/10/2005 Exposure 9/11/2005 False NC 9/11/2005 Discovery of Contact 12/23/2005 NC (Letter written Jan 2006) Divorce Petition Filed Jan 2006 In a holding pattern. Me Still Handing in there Phil 4:13
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I don't know your story. Are you a FWW or a FBW?

How long have you been in Recovery?

What was SF like between you before the A? Satisfying?


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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E2...

Yes, it will come back...I am also a FWW who thought that it never would either, in fact, my very first posts here were about the same thing, so I do understand. I know that much of it has do with your perspective...and this may be an unpopular thing to say here and also hard to read for BSes, I appologize in advance...it feels in those first SF encounters with your husband after OM that they are somehow taking something away from what you felt for OM-almost an erasure of OM's touch...since you thought that you had such deep feelings for OM you want to hold on to that, to how you felt then...please let that go...you will soon realize how very false all those *feelings* that you had for OM were...I know that they felt very real at the time...Let go of the fantasy, you will find, in time, that that is all that it was...I am saying this to you E2, so that you will know that I REALLY understand what's going on in your head...I was there too, so when I tell you that it will come back, I do KNOW that it will...I was in just as deep, I get it, but I want you to get what I now have...A recovered marriage that is more amazing than ANY fantasy ever could be...

Having the needs that OM was meeting for you met by your husband is nothing short of a fairytale...SF and the bond with your H will be far deeper and more fulfilling...so how do you get there??? Hmmm...Well, you rely somewhat on faith, I'll discuss that later...but think back...what were you and your husband doing at the beginning? How did you fall in love the first time?

Mr. W and I were big "party people" when we first met, mind you, we were 23 & 25 at that time...so what did we do early in recovery? Yep, we two old fools went out and "partied like rock stars", some mornings "recovery" held a double meaning for us...LOL...Hank Williams Jr. wasn't kidding when in his song All My Rowdy Friends, he sang, "Hangovers hurt more than they used to"...I'm not suggesting that you need to be intoxicated for your desire to return, you absolutely do NOT...and most of our encounters did NOT take place that way either...Mr. W and I just tried to take ourselves back to what was going on in our lives when the first sparks flew...we were young and crazy then, we needed a flashback, I guess...the excitement of getting ready, the conversation while we were out, seeing the other in the same atmosphere from way back then, see each other in the eyes of others...that was us...We also spent plenty of time "dating" without having drinks...we saw matinees-always comedies...we went to an amusement park...we went to the community pool...We spent TONS of time together..."WE" made efforts...it takes two...

Eagle should read this...I think...Eagle, if you do, don't go gettin' all "up in arms" and decide that you must post on this thread boy, ya hear? LOL Just kiddin' with both of you, as I know how other threads have gone...hey, it happens, it's understandable...ANYWAY...

The SF thing is a two way street...E2 will need conversation...and the security of knowing that that conversation does not have to lead to SF...the conversation is where the connection comes in for a woman(most women-E2 is that right?)...and affection...but again, affection that does not necessarily lead to SF...Some of the best conversations that Mr. W and I have had where we have made genuine connections have been over the threads here, and the situations of others...common ground leads to good conversation, which leads to affection which leads to, ahem, I'll stop before this becomes erotica...LOL...And yes E2, there are times that you may just have to "fake it, til ya make it"...but when you do make "it"..."IT" will come back and "IT" will be amazing...but it takes two...fantasies and pride must be left at the door...

This relationship is for both of you-so no scoreboard,k? It can, should and will be the most fulfilling, healing, comforting, loving and exciting place for each of you...if you want that then you come to each other completely vunerable and without expectation...let the raw emotion come through...allow each other to feel safe to share...no yelling, no screaming, no judgement...let this be your renew, refresh, rebirth...clean slate...you each must become the soft place to fall for the other...from that will come more joy than either of you has ever known...God intended that for the two of you...this is where faith comes in...you each are God's perfect choice for the other...He knows more than either of you do...He is NEVER wrong...if you both take genuine steps towards this, it WILL work...E and E2, take heart, have faith, and the rest will follow...

Many Blessings,

Mrs. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Eaglette,

I don't know if you have read this or not, but from Dr. Harley...

Recovering Sexual Desire

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MrsEagle,

What does SF represent to you? Is it feeling safe enough to join together or being safe enough?

SF represents acceptance to me...being accepted for all of me. It is a gift that goes both ways. My DH believes the same.

Your question in each of your threads seem to remain this one...are you looking at fixing SF to fix your marriage?

LA

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MIMI
I'm a FWW.

Mrs W

Thank you for your info. I have trouble/wonder if God husband was my perfect match; why would he give me someone that doesn't allow me to be myself completely. This has gone on from the beginning, I guess I'm not supposed to be that person.
I will keep/print this post for a reference.

Frozen
I'll look into it.

LA
It used to represent closeness.

We used to make love but, for a long time (approx 1.5-2 yrs) now it's been sex.

It's husband #1 need and doesn't accept/like only getting it once a month. I need to get myself right/desire to give him what he wants/needs.



I have tried to get into my drawer of lingerie and massage oils, but they aren't having the same effect as in the past. Just looking for ideas to jump start something.

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I too am struggling with this. Mrs. W, you really hit on what goes through my mind, but I don't want to hurt my H by saying that so I keep that to myself. The SF is the hardest area for me to recover in right now. Would increasing SF help that? If we were to resume at my pace, it might not happen.


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