Two days before our 8th anniversary in October, my H asked me for a divorce. He denied having an A. He said it was just emotional--no sex. Three weeks later, I found evidence--emails from her. I asked him to end the relationship or leave. He said he would, but didn't. Then around end of DEcember I found more emails. He refused counseling, didn't want to work on the marriage and wanted a divorce. In early Jan I asked him to leave and he did. During the 2 months of knowing about her and before he left, our relationship got better-even he admitted it, but not enough to let her go.

He is living alone in an apartment. In Feb, I told him that if he wanted a divorce, I would give it to him, but he broke down and cried, saying he wssn't ready. The first 2 months he was angry at me, upset and depressed. About a month ago, we had an hour together that was good, he showed some affection (non sexual) and told a friend it was as though we were dating again.

Since then, he's called 3-4 times a week--about nothing really. Just checking in. No mention of divorce in 2 months. Then he disappears for a week. He works with the OW, and I am not sure it is still going on. He won't talk about it with me or his friends. He told his friends he is happy enjoying his freedom, but they have not met the OW. No one has to my knowledge.

Is he having his cake and eat it too? Do I implement Plan B or stay in Plan A where he gets his Love Bank filled up ny both of us? How will I know when the EA or A is over?

I want to do the right thing, I've read Love Must be Tough, Surviving an Affair, and a dozen other books. I still feel like I'm in limbo, and not sure what my next move should be. I don't call him, or tell him I love him anymore, he calls me, but no talk of reconciliation. Pleasant happy, small talk.

He still goes to church, sits in the back alone, and leaves quickly.


AARRRGH! Paitience is not my vitue, but it is becoming one!

Any suggestions?

Dancer

BS--49
WH--40
One son 12 yrs, his son, whom I adore and adores me
DDay November 2005
Move out Jan 06

I can do all things in Him who strengthens me!

Hi Dancer and Welcome to MB..

I too am in sorta the same place you are. That limbo felling can be very tough. Sometime ots lasts for days with me !

Know that you are no alone here and that many other people just just like yourself are going through the same thing. Its gonna be a rollcoaster ride so prepare...

While i am no expert, it sounds like to me that he is fence-sitting. He hasn;t quite made up his mind and is probably feeling really guilty about everything.

Do you have children ?

My wife was very angry and wouldn't talk to me about anything other than our child for the first two months. If I even asked her if she washed her car it was met with am angry response. She was only frieldly about discussions about our child.

She recently started to open up and talk about her job to me. She has been having a rough time and I just listen. One of my mistakes was to try and fix it for her. Now, I just listen.

When she left I chached her for about a month and a half. I stopped my pursuit after that and told her that I knew about the OM. She denied it was anything and I let it drop.

I have learned alot since she has been gone. Alot about me and alot about her. I don't push anything. She knows my position and that I want this marriage to work.

When I see her I am pleasant, upbeat and respectful. I don't pry or ask anything of her. She has to want to come back, I can't force her.

Am I getting though? I don't know. But, I have seen a slight change in her behavior towards me since starting a Plan A here. Its going to take alot of time and I think it will be worth it in the end.

Just stick to the principles here. When you are upset and want to vent, do it here. Alot of us here have been though alot of the same and can offer some really good advice.

Remember, its not over yet. Read some of the success stories here. They will inspire you and show you how some of the worst marriages can end up being the the best.

Thanks so much for your post, your encouragement and tender words. I am crying as I write this. I'm torn between staying in Plan A or going to Plan B which scares the living daylights out of me, but maybe it's time. We've been separated for about 3 months now.

I have s step son whom I love dearly. He lives with his bio mom, and visited us on weekends when we were together. He's with his Dad now and and I see him occasionally at church.

I'm doing just as you are...listening to him and doing my best to let go. Our conversations are about our son and his work--which isn't going well, and 90% about him. He's often depressed about his job, but doesn't talk about us or the OW. Maybe I'm meeting some of his EN"s that the OW isn't, and maybe that should stop. Don't know, and that's the hard part.

I will do all it takes to save my marriage and I told him that when he left. I just want to make sure that I'm not enabling his fence sitting.

THanks for letting me vent. Somehow, I guess I'll know what is right and when to do it.

Dancer

I have read your posts about what you think is SA, with which I well familar. And it happens to even those of best intention, even those serving in the church. If you have questions you need help answering, I'll be glad to answer them.

Thanks, AskMe. I have responded to your privately. I do have questions and am pondering them while BEING STILL...........

Dancer

Do you understand what plans A & B are designed for? Have you identified your boundaries and are you ready to move forward?

Do you have a good MC you can bounce off your ideas and put together a personal recovery plan for U 1st?

L.

Dancer - I am in such a similar position. My H is definately fence sitting. He told me he will decide on Sunday whether he is going to stay in the city (with her) or come home (to me and his 3 young childnre). I have a strong feeling he will choose her because I got msg from him at lunchtime yesterday (im trying not to communicate with him as normal sms - which is always what he wants to do) saying how he had the best restful sleep for a v long time and that yes, he missed the kids not jumping on the bed in the morning (not me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) but that he really really needed the rest.

That to me is 'getting me ready' for the ultimate comment tomorrow afternoon.

I need help PLEASE ANYONE with how to indentify by boundarires. How not to be a doormat. With regard to exposure. His family and my family and his workfriends and our friends know,a nd he still goes to her. He even said to teh psych it's not really the sex with her, just the escape from reality. SO HE KNOWS IT>

But someone,please help me with how to be strong tomorrow. PPLEASE. What do I say to him? There are days that it was HIS JOB to pick up the kids from sport/school because I am at work, do I find someone else to do that or let him still do it and be nice and serene when I do see him.

I have told him I do love him and that I want this to work. BUt it can't work like this. I told him that in a letter.

We are seeing a MC, but can't get back in until 1st May unless there is a cancellation.

Please someone explain Nuclear exposure, reverse babble, serene confrontation at every opportunity

Thankyou,

Justine