hi, just spent an hour writeing a post and lost it- I will try again!- summary: I have a ws who says that he is done trying to make things work. I found out in jan. that he had an affair with a women form his vounteer job it ended- i think when I found out. I lasted from halloween to new years- i think. I have trouble with trust right now. and have been love busting which seems to have caused this hopeless ness from him, but he has been on and off since I found out. Says that he hasn't loved me for ten years. And that I am controling and he needs his freedom to do his own thing without guilt. I feel hurt by his freedom- he has always wante dto go to bars drinking with the buddies most who I don't know- Fianlly in November I gave in and he started with her. He says how would he know I gave in because I was scares because he told me he didn't love me anymore. NAyways what should I do? I am lost and am losing hope.

CFC

Fistly welcome ! Almost everyone here, me included, was as desperate as you when we arrived ! Most of us are doing a whole lot better now !

Next - you need to study CFC, and learn about the dynamics of affairs. Every situation is unique, yet the symptoms and phases are horribly consistent.

Your H has been subject to what is known on these boards as teh 'fog'. That is a cloud of reality-inhibiting justofication whoch is generated by affairs in order to drown out a WS screaming conscience. It causes a lot of rewriting of history and some hurtful statements, like the "I haven;t loved you for ten years" one you heard from H. Almot all WS look back at this time and ther ramblings wit great shame and regret when they recover. Your job is to not take it personally, your H almost certainly won't mean those words when the addition of his affair is out of his system.

"surviving an affair " by Dr Willard Harley is a GREAT book to help learn about affairs and their recovery. The articles on this site are fantastic too.

You can learn to avoid lovebusters, and to 'plan A' - that is to be all you can be as a spouse without being a doormat - so as to give YOU confidence and to ensure your H cannot deny the love he still feels for you.

The 'freedom to do my own thing, you're controlling' this is also a common fog statement. It is a way for him to seek your PERMISSION to give him time to be selfish and have an affair, by convincing you its your fault.

So...by now you have studied affairs, learned to avoid Lbs and meet emotional needs in Plan A, and detached yourself from his spite. See, easy ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. Its the hardest thing I ever did, CFC, but I did it and now my baby is back and bittery ashamed of the person she became for a while.

you SHOULD have trouble with trust - your WH just blew it in olympic style. You need to think about your boundaries CFC - that is the basic laws you require in any relationship you may have with your H.

Mine were ( and still are) :

NC for ever
Transparency
Investment in me and our marriage

This means if Squid ( my wife!) doesn't want to stay in no contact with OM, wanst secrets from me or doesn't want to invest in my happiness and safety she is at liberty to leave. You should thin about what you ar ewilling to take and what you are not CFC.

A lot of words there but I hope some are useful. Have LOTS of hope ! MOST marriges affeceted by affairs recover !

For some of the great advice I got in my early days see THIS thread

All blessings to you, and stay with us - there are plenty of smart folks who can help you as they did me !

Here is my situation. In Ocotber it was our 10 year anniversary. He gave me a ring and commented about the price- I was very hurt, becase I felt that he didn't care.I ask for the ring as a way for him to ask me to marry him again and profess his love to me- as he and I had a rushed decision to marry after two years courting. We needed the money that the military would give us if we were married to put me through college (his idea) We were planning on getting married the following year (he had ask me during boot camp- his hardest time, but seemed to forget afterwards), but he had yet to propose except a proposal of getting married - not traditionally- more like a if you marry me then, ... and it would be best... I felt good with the situation, He feels that it was quick and I felt it apporopriate. Anyways our marriage has been filled with love busters and not meeting of my emotional needs for years. I feel I meet his needs, but then withdraw from his love bank by using angry outbursts and disrepectful comments (within the last six months I felt that I was trying to change this with much sucess. I had gotten to a point where we hardly argued, but he said it was because he was giving in to all of my requests). To me LB's are not harsh because I come from a very vebal house that presents all their problems in a forceful way, they get solved and we move on. He comes from a family that bottles all of their emotions. Anyways, he is deeply hurt when we argue and never forgets it (never realized how deep until recently). Recently I have been using LBs because of his hurtful comments, since March, I have stopped almost all except the occasional once a month outburst. Anyways I was not having any outbursts until I found out about the affair. Then I responded very calmly. I asked if he loved her and wanted to be with her? He said they were over having sexually relations before christmas and they were still tslking, but he would have to talk to her one more tiem to tell her it was over. He says he hasn't spoken with her since January, but of course I still fell that he is (he always has a secret life going- says it is his privacy that he never has gotten- he said he went from a controling mom to me). I wish I would have found recovering after an affair book in January. Now we are three months down the road and do not have anything going in the right direction. We never have time together because we have two kids ages 2 and 5. He wants to spend the bulk of his time with them and says, "should I feel guilty for being with the kids?" I say no, but we need time to work things out. He says he is done trying to work things out. He has tried for ten years and I have done nothing. i feel this is not true, I if knew that I hurt him, I would have changed everything! I had no clue he was this unhappy as he didn't express his feelings to me. yadda yadda yadda- a typical HELP what should I do now? I know that i need to stop having LB, but I feel talking about the books is causing him stress right now. Should I try to meet his emotional need or is it worthless right now because he won't let me? He refuses sex most of the time. Is there hope? or will I come out of this feeling resentment for my efforts and his desire to not try now. In addition, I am not sure why he had an affair. He has stated several reasons: he was finally getting the freedom that he never had, he was getting revenge for ten years of unhappiness!, he wanted to spend time with her because she reminded him if me in our early years when I was happy go lucky. Let me tell you the last one makes sense- since my daughter was born in 2003, we have had the most stress:

in two months, my duaghter was born, my dog died (which caused a lot of issues about spending $1000 to save him, but he was our baby for 9 years, my son was hospitalized and almost died, we moved to a smaller house to afford me staying at home for the kids, our new house molded completely over the next year which ensued a leagal battle with preivous owners, frequent trips to the doctor for both of my kids at least three times a month for 7 months, our second home had renters destroy it and move out, then a tree fell the roof of that house and incurred massive water damage because we didn't find out about it because it was vacant. Then last March about the time his depression began, he found out that four chambers of my H heart were not functioning properly- he lost his chance of getting a job that he has been working to get sonce 1998 when he got out of the Marines, and then he knee fell apart and the doctor says he will have to have his leg broken in the next year. Also I opened my own school this year as a way for our children to get a good education. The school has been positive for us all, but stressful. I know I am ranting. The stress over the past two years has been taxing on us all especially because we lost a lot of contacts with friends family due to the loss of our house here. We actually were asked to move our 2 kids out of the house for 3 months for healt reasons, While we renovated the house.

Ranting and raving:
Anyways, the stress has been hard on the whole family, but I feel that especailly on me. I do all the bills, clean the house, and take care of the children 24/ 7. Yes my H is wonderful to take care of the dishes and the laundry. He also helps with the children frequently. But I have needed support making phone calls, writing reports, calling insuance,.... and a break from time to time. He says that I am the taker in the relationship, but I feel that I give until it hurts!!!


Other thoughts:

What is the thought on telling others about the A? I have told people and he is very upset. He gives me a guilt trip about how sacred our relationship is- yet he cheated not I.

I refused to tell him who, because i know he will say I am not going here or there.

I recently told two members of my family as I said i may need some support. He definately didn't want me to tell my dad because he has a special bond with him. My dad is very angry and hurt. Especailly because H was leaving the family with him to go with her.


One last thing:
Bob said that his comment about freedom was because of a fog, but he has been saying this forever!! He feels that he needs time on his own to be who he is. I feel that he has some intimacy issues because of his relation ship with his mom. What time away from the relationship is healthy? - I know now none since we are working on things, but after healing what is appropriate? In his book HARley suggests to me not much time should be spent doing leisure without your spouse. What about things that I don't enjoy, but he find enjoyable- rock climbing or that I enjoy- ballet classes (which I haven't done in years).


married 10 years
two kids 2 and 5

CFC

We all need time and space to be who we are - but we can do that within a healthy marriage.

15 hours per week is the minimum a couple should spend doing stuff together, but that isn;t all the non working time in a week, right ? Squid and I do stuff together, we also do stuff seperately.

Exposure is important, click on the 'this thread' phrase in my previous post and you'll find a lot of the great advice I got about exposure and other stuff.

All blessings