Hi Low, in reading your responses to posts I see included in your signature, "divorcing, my fault".

This is, of course, none of my business & if you feel this question to be intrusive please just let it slide down the board.


Why do you consider the failure of your marriage to be your (yours alone?) fault?


I thought your response might be enlightening. Help us all to view our rolls in our marriages & divorces more clearly. I do feel marriages come to an end where fault may not be the appropriate word for why the marriage fell apart.

hi nams...

I am a former wayward. We attempted to recover for 4 years. At the end of last year, I had brief contact (the only in 4 years) with the ex-OW when she tracked me down and asked me to talk over coffee. I did. No renewal of the relationship, just small talk. All in all, about 20 minutes. I confessed to W.

My wife seized upon this opportunity to end our marriage. Come to find out that she had already given up on us and was really looking for an excuse to check out. After we separated, she went on a "dating spree" of her own, eventually having an affair with our dentist. She was busted last week by his wife.

So, that's the ugly story. I thought it was really my fault, but there was more going on with my W than I knew about. I don't think it was so much my fault anymore. Although STBXW has been trying to contact me, I've no desire to continue this M. I will always love my her, but we can't be married anymore. I wish her well.

I recently met a beautiful and interesting woman...a widow...who is older than I am, but doesn't look it. She's bright, self-actualized, and an enthusiastic, adventurous lover. We're enjoying each other's company tremendously. While I'm not looking for anything long term, it's nice to spend time with the OS.

Low

Thanks Low,

If that was painfull I'm sorry.

I can't speak to being a wayward, but since I do suspect another person was involved in the demise of my marriage I do understand the pain involved.

My point in asking you the question about fault was curiosity about one person assuming fault when two people are involved. When ex & I were in counseling he said he didn't feel he should bear any fault. For a long time that bothered me. But I have come to consider his shortcomings more about his inability rather than purposeful action where he should except blame.

Taking blame & giving forgiveness. Those are two terms I have a problem with. Both imply once we've accepted something is our fault or we are willing to grant forgiveness all is on the road to well & good. For me it's more important to understand the how & why of how things went wrong rather than to accept blame or grant forgiveness. To accept blame feels likes a way to punish myself & to grant forgiveness feels like I've accepted the other persons behavior & the destruction it may have caused & I've said I'm fine with it.

For example, if ex came to me today & told me he'd made a mistake, saying he didn't try to save the marriage & instead focused on a new life with a new person & wanted my forgiveness, I'd tell him it's not mine to give. I've moved on from his inability to do what was necessary to save the marriage & keep the family whole. Personally, I'm in a better place for myself than when we were together. He's the one that has to understand his actions, their affect on all of us. My saying I forgive him can't do that.

How nice you're enjoying the company of a member of the OS. Someday (soon I hope!) I will too. I'm staying open to the possibility, I gave a nice looking man without a wedding ring, no woman around him & with a cart full of "man stuff" at the grocery store the other day a great, big, warm smile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> He smiled back, blushed a bit, shuffled his feet so I thought it best to move on.

Oh well, next! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Low,

Your post made me feel sad and a little mad.

I wanted your marraige to your wife to succeed and I'm disapointed that it didn't. I don't know why I care enough about you to be dissapointed, but I am.

Now that your wife is reaching out to you - you are gone already in a relationship with someone perfect.

So, is this the real you, the person that you are with your lover? This "soon to be ex husband" guy that has sex with pretty ladies that are funny and self-actualized?

Why are you seeking such a frivilous relationship with this woman that you are not necessairily interested in having a long term relationship with?

What is sex to you? A relationship without demands is such a relief from marriage, I can see why people escape. But sex makes a promise between people - regardless if they are married. What does sex mean to you and what does it mean to God? Does it matter if it's different?

Sorry to disappoint you, Loy. I'll readily admit to hypocrisy with regards to not dating until divorce is final. However, I am closed to the possibility of reconciling with my wife. Twenty-five years of mediocre marriage is about all I can stand. Next time I'm going for the real deal.

I'm engaging in this "frivolous" relationship with my ladyfriend for one reason only...IT'S FUN...I ENJOY IT.

All too often we are SOOOO serious about relationships and dating...what's up with that? Lack of FUN is one thing that killed my marriage.

I don't agree that sex makes a promise between people...anymore than kissing or holding hands does. I'm quite capable of having it just for the fun of it...it doesn't carry all that "commitment" baggage for me anymore.

Two people who like each other may enjoy themselves with full understanding that it doesn't mean a long term relationship follows. The lady I'm currently seeing is no more interested in a committed relationship than I am at this point. Who knows? That might change...it might not. In any event we're both mature adults...we know who we are and what we want. And we want to occasionally share each other's company right now.

As far as what it means to God? I have no idea and neither does anyone else. I am not convicted that enjoying the company of this fine woman is wrong as long as it disrespects no one. For the record, I've never ascribed to the "sex in marriage only" school of thought. I do believe in marital exclusivity. I've told my daughters that I think it would be foolish to marry a man without knowing what kind of lover he is.

And yes, "this soon to be ex-husband" guy was more than willing to have fun with the STBXW during the last five years...STBXW just couldn't seem to let herself do that.

I think my STBXW is reaching out to me now because she is embarrassed and hurt over what she did and some part of her thinks that if she gets me to come back all will be fixed and back to normal. Maybe she'll feel better about herself for "saving her marriage" if I come back. Maybe she thinks things will work now because the field is "level".

She's had the last five years to do that. I was 200% engaged in that venture. I slipped once. She quit. She asked me to leave. She had her own affair.

It's just too much. I'm not going back. Sorry.

One thing MB has taught me. Be radically honest about what you want! It's not helpful to leave the other party trying to read your mind...happens to often in relationships becasue we fear scaring the other off...well, if you tell 'em what you want, and they run, then you've saved yourself some valuable time and potential heartache.

There's no denying the potential that one can become more attached than they realize they have. In this case, pain is inevitable and should be accepted as part of the life cycle of the relationship. As they say, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"