When I got home from work yesterday, there was a message for my W on the answering machine. It was a reminder message that she had a doctor's appointment for Monday, 10/4. I had not heard of the doctor before (not our family doctor) so I looked his name up in the yellow pages. He is a plastic surgeon...<P>What is going on? My wife is a beautiful woman and needs no plastic surgery. I think she pawned her wedding ring last week to pay for some cosmetic surgery to please the OM. This is making me sick to my stomach all over again.<P>I also found out quite by accident where she's living. I had not received my August bank statement and so I called the bank to find out what the deal was. They told me that W changed the address to her current address. Since my name was also on the account, the bank gave me the address when I asked. It may have been a mistake to do so. I left work early that day and drove to where she's living with OM. It's an apartment!! I think they're living there until his love nest (house) is built. Now I obsess constantly about where they live. I have some very close friends that live only about 1 mile from this apartment. I feel drawn to go there, but I know it's not good for me to do so.<P>I wish I didn't love her so much!!!<P>She and d*ckhead now constantly flaunt their relationship. Help me understand this behavior...I thought part of the mystique and attraction of affairs is their secrecy. The affair has been "illuminated" now for about 3.5 months. W and d*ickhead act as though there is nothing wrong with their behavior and have no problem showing up around friends and co-workers arm in arm. (Friends and co-workers are appalled by the way.)<P>A son of a co-worker commented "here comes (Shattered's wife) and her sugar daddy" when he saw them together. Everyone is disgusted and embarrassed to be around them. Why aren't they disgusted and embarrassed to be seen in public? Do they not know that they both are married and everyone knows it?<P>Why do they continue to flaunt their relationship? OM is rich and they drive around in his Mercedes...everyone who has met him says the same thing...he is ostentatious and arrogant. What does she see in him? Why would she rather be his whore than my wife? I hate weekends!! Help....?

Hi Shattered,<BR> I feel sorry when your W crashes because she will BIG time. Reality will seep in ...right now she is trying to make it work. If he is as arrogant as his reputation and people are appalled at the situation when she wakes up , it's not going to be pretty.....my opinion anyway. Now he probably feels like he has won the prize but what happens when he tires of her?or she finally sees him as he is?....HANG In there Shattered..........Lu

Shattered, <BR>I went thru this too! My w so wanted her new relationship to be accepted that she tried to take him home to meet her parents when she was going to pick up our son. She aslo kept trying to do something with our kids and him.<BR>I thinks it is just a way for them to justify what they are doing. Unfornutealy people won't condem them and will gradually accept them. If people would shy away that might give them the message.<BR>I heard that my w and om were also acting very unprofessional at work and she had been warned about this previously.<BR>Stay away from the apartment, speaking from experience, it will only drive you nuts.My w and om lived in an apt right by where the stores in town are and I made myslef drive way arounf to avoid driving past. That was until I decided to start looking out for myself. I decided that I wasn't going to be hung up on her and she since she was being incrediabley selfish she would do whatever she wanted to anyway there was no use in torturing myself. <BR>You need to find something else to spend to your time on. Mine was my kids. I put my total energy into them and kinda forgot about my wife. I think this is the onlt way you can keep your sanity.<BR>Hang in there!

I have to agree with both Lu and RWD.<P>My wife too, thought nothing about flaunting her OM in front of all my daughter's dance school's mom (they were confused!) and even in front of my mother.<P>Is was completely disgusting.<P>It is very obvious their heads turn to mush and all sense of morality is lost during these blatant affairs.<P>Since OM is currently married (to his second) I just know that in a matter of time... when he sees how little $$$ she has (and will not get any more)... he will leave my wife. Reality of having to support a woman who can't keep finances will hit him.<P>His real problem will come when my wife (who has been getting SS disability for my stepson) has to account for >$25,000.00 she can't account for! Can he help her then?.... I think not!<P>Hang in there...<P>Jim

Maybe she has a deviated septum??? You can always hope, right?? <P>She IS gonna crash - BIG TIME - and I feel sorry for her. <P>I am so happy I didn't have to get that far!<P>Shattered, did you read the thread where I mentioned Gavin McCloud? Have you heard his story? He was an actor on Mary Tyler Moore show (Murray) and on the Love Boat (Cap. Stubing) and his head got big with the popularity. He left his wife, divorced her, played around. She became a Christain, and began treating her life AS IF he were coming home - "when Gavin gets home, I'll..." and she had a Bible engraved with his name, and kept his slippers by his side of the bed. She KNEW that God wanted her marriage together, and she and the ladies group PRAYED HIM HOME. They have a show on TBN, "Staying the Course" something like that, it's called. Maybe, since you love your W so much, you should try it. What have you got to lose? Begin believing she'll see the light!<P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Lu/RWD/NSR - <P>Thanks for your replies. I just can't believe how similar betrayers act in the midst of their addiction. I truly wonder if, after the affair dies and the betrayer pulls their head out of their @ss, the realization of the destruction and humiliation they have wrought ever sinks in. I mean, yes, many of the ex-betrayers on this forum have expressed DEEP regret and devastation themselves, but is that a universal reaction?<P>I may be out of the picture (divorceed) by the time W wakes up and smells the coffee so I may never know first hand.<P>Are any of you concerned (terrified) that you will run into your spouse and OP on the street? My W is SO blatant in her exposure (from descriptions I receive from other people) that I'm bound to run into her eventually. I know that sounds like I don't have control over my life...I'm normally a very controlled, logical person who prefers to face difficult situations head on. For whatever reason, I am terrified that I will see W with OM...I'm sure that image would just be seared into my memory.<P>Just how long can a person COMPLETELY tune out all family and friends while sh*tting on them at the same time? Will this bubble break?<P>NSR - my W stands to gain a LOT financially if/shen she divorces me. In this f*cked up no fault divorce state, each spouse is entitled to 1/2 the marital assets. The way my W is spending $$, I'm sure she will recognize that she can keep the fantasy alive if she gets her mitts on MY retirement savings.<P>What kills me tho most is that she brought d*ckhead to the place where I proposed to her 6 years ago. THIS SUCKS!!!

Shattered:<P>I’ve been a bit reluctant to write to you, for a very silly reason: My OW(I was the betrayer) lives about 3 miles NE of you. Dumb, I know. I’ve thought of asking you to take a little ticking package up there for me... <P>Anyway... I see your situation a lot like Chris’. It just seems like both of your situations should burn out so quickly, living such a complete fantasy. But his hasn’t burnt out either. I still think both of yours will, and you have to be ready to pick up the pieces. She IS insane right now, as evidenced by everything she is doing. After all... you wouldn’t have fallen in love with the woman she is now, any more than my W would have fallen in love with me 2 years ago. <P>Insofar as regret being a universal reaction, I know I deeply regret the pain I caused my W. I’ll never completely get over it, even though I have forgiven myself... mostly. If your W alters her body for this OM, I would imagine her regret will be profound, since she’ll have a reminder of it every time she looks in the mirror. Not to mention selling the wedding ring. <P>No Fault... too bad you didn’t remove half the money when she deposited it in your account. After all, this property division goes both ways, right? I’d definitely be keeping records of all this stuff, since it seems she’s already spending HER half. This just in case your worst fears come true, that she doesn’t crash&burn before things really end.<P>If you run into her on the street... I wouldn’t even acknowledge her existence. She’s Plan B’ing you right now, right? Return the favor. It would likely be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, but try to walk by, letting her know you saw her(but of course, turning away if she grabs the OM), but no nod, no smile(at least for her... but don’t let your face cave either), and no tears. Earn an Academy Award.<P>Sorry I don’t have more real advice... keep your chin up. You are going through one of the toughest times here, IMO... my heart breaks for you. But things CAN be better than before, once she comes to her senses. Good Luck. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited October 01, 1999).]

Hi Shattered,<P> I'm sure you already have this info but keep track of what she is spending since 1/2 of that will be technically yours....the lawyer I worked with said to keep bank statements credit cards etc. since she is already spending her "half". Hopefully this mess won't get that far....Lu

WhoDat - You must live near me if your OW lives near me. 3 miles NE...hhmmmmm...I'll gladly play delivery boy for you!!!<P>Thanks for your inside perspective. You know, I CONSTANTLY hear from most everyone on this board as well as what I read in th (15) books on Infidelity I've read so far that these relationships are DOOMED. I derive so much hope fom hearing and reading that!!!<P>However, my reality appears to be so different. I know it has only been 3.5 - 4 months...but you'd think that there'd be SOME sign of the relationship destabilizing.<P>OM has money, power, a nice car, a W that is overseas and, incidentally does not care that he fools around. What motivation do either my W or he have to end it? She is a Cordon Bleu trained chef (we lived in Paris for 1.5 years...I payed $20,000 for her culinary education to become a certified chef while we were there! OM is eating like a KING, and I eat beans for dinner!) In addition, he gets great sex, professional interior design consultation (she's an interior designer) and her companionship. She's spending MY MONEY on his furniture.<P>It seems that time has just stopped.<P>Whodat and Lu - thanks for the advice on keeping track of all her expenditures. I have been doing that...although last week W has opened her own individual account so I won't be able to do that anymore.<P>God, please relieve the misery!!! Please guide my W's heart back to You.

Shattered, you posted when I did... go back up about five messages up and read what I wrote about Gavin McCloud, it might help you right now... now GO!!!<P> Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Sheryl - <P>Hi you!!! I did go back and read about Gavin McCloud...very inspiring. In reality, I have been sort of living my life as though she WILL return. However, my friends and family warn me that this can also set me up for an even greater fall. I have to learn how to be an "optimistic realist"!!!<P>My W still means the world to me, although lately, I have been occasionally thinking of what life might be like with another woman. (No I'm not going to start an affair...I mean if/when W and I divorce). I haven't given up hope, but I feel my love for W slowly diminishing each day, and with each new revelation.<P>Interesting thought I just had. Re-read my original message on this thread regarding th doctor's appointment. Clearly, W made this appointment AFTER she left me. Why did she give them our home phone number? Cosmetic surgery is not covered by insurance so they would not have gotten the numer off the insurance records. Do you suppose W is trying to tell me that she is going to have plastic surgery?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> WhoDat - You must live near me if your OW lives near me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nope... Internet Romance turned RL affair. We “only” met IRL twice. Yeah... “only.” I’m about 2000 miles away(somewhere it certainly won’t be snowing THIS weekend... or any weekend for that matter ), but looked up your city on Mapquest when you first started posting. Until recently, your entire state was outlined in neon for me every time I saw a map or the national weather. <P>But not any more. My W did something miraculous a couple months ago. I had always tread on eggshells at the mere mention of Minnesota around her, and she told me the eggshells themselves were what hurt, that there were lots and lots of good people that lived there, and it shouldn’t be an issue for us. With that one statement, she swept all the eggshells away. She’s really amazing. <P>BTW... thanks for the “Delivery Boy” offer. That generally happens when I’m musing, but not too often... she doesn’t have much of an emotional hold over me any more. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that, because when she did... well, it wasn’t pretty. But then again, you know that, because your W is living that way... <BR>

Hey back at ya, Shattered <P>Who knows WHAT your W was trying to tell you, but that is odd that she'd use your address. The only reason... no, there's actually two reasons I can think of:<P>1. She wants you to find out<BR>2. She doesn't want the OM to find out<P>Who knows, like I said... but one thing is certain. You are going through your own W/D's and this is almost as bad as it gets. You've made it this far, and even if you do start believing that she's gonna come back (ala' Gavin's wife) you can't be any more hurt than you are right now. Right? How much further could you fall? Could you be any more disappointed? She's about carved your heart into a zillion pieces so far... so just begin PRAYING HARD for her return and for peace no matter which way she goes. I applaud your desire to maintain your marriage under your circumstances, you know that You're a good guy. Keep hanging in there!<P>BTW, I didn't think you'd have an affair, but I understand the pain that leads to it. Since my H had an affair so many years ago, I sometimes forget how much it hurt and how I toyed with the idea of finding my own arms to crawl into. But I didn't... until 12 unrelated years later. No blame. But I understand.<P>C Ya 'round the Board... ~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 01, 1999).]