I'm hoping I can get some helpful advice here on what to do. I'm going to try not to make this too long, but I need to give background info so you can understand what's happening. I need some good *honest* advice on what to do! Of course, this is only my side, I don't know what he would write.

I've only been married for just under 2 years to my second husband. We were married after only 5 months of dating. I was married for 10 years to my 1st husband. He was married for 6 months to his first wife. From my understanding, she decided shortly after they were married that it was a mistake and she was "too young" (she was 20, he was 23). I am 33, he is now 35. I have two boys from my first marriage, 13 and 6 years old. He has no children.

So, here is our story:
We lived together before we were married....and from that time on, I worked long hours in a demanding health care job. He also worked in healthcare, so I thought he understood my job. I worked at least 60-70 hours per week. But he worked 40 or less. In the beginning, he would usually get home by 6 pm and cook dinner for us both. He also would clean up every night and do laundry. I was always very appreciative and did not *ever* ask him to do it. He said that he *wanted* to do it so that we didn't have to spend our weekends cleaning. Instead, we could spend them doing things together. He's an excellent cook and loves to do it but I hate it. So, we made a pact that I would do dinner dishes and clean the kitchen every night if he cooked dinner. And I often did the laundery (if he didn't get to it first!). The thing is, he is ex-military, so he is very much (an admitted) neat-freak!

We had several problems that set in shortly after we were married. First of all, my ex-husband (who cheated on me and left me for the woman he is currently with) became jealous of my new husband and his involvement with our children and made false abuse allegations about my new husband. It all came out ok in the end (after a long, painful ordeal)....but the damage was done. My ex has become 'better' now.....but my husband gets angry that I am civil to my ex. He says that after all he has done to him, I shouldn't be so nice. It seems like he doesn't understand that I have to maintain a civil relationship with this man in front of my children for their sake! I don't go out of my way for my ex. I'm not "nice" to him. Yet, he gets upset whenever I talk to him. If I am talking on the phone with my ex laugh about something he tells me that one of the kids did, my husband takes it to mean I am "chatting" with him and gets angry. He doesn't believe me that it has to do with the children. I'm at a loss on this issue. Am I supposed to yell at my ex every time I speak to him? I've asked my husband how he expects me to behave, but he withdraws and won't speak to me.

The other major issue is the household chores and duties. As I said above, it started with him doing things himself while I was at work 70+ hours per week (monday thru friday) so that our weekends could be spent together without worrying about the household. He did this without me ever asking him to. At some point about a year later...he suddenly started getting angry and saying that I was taking advantage of him. He told me that he wanted me to start doing some of the chores because it was unfair for me to "make him" do them all by himself. I was quite upset and got defensive because he was the one who supposedly did it as a loving act for me! So, I told him he had to leave things for me to do on the weekends if he wanted me to do them. So, then on Saturdays, if I didn't wake up and start working first thing in the morning, he would have an 'angry outburst.' He couldn't understand why I waited until the afternoon or sunday to do my chores. Sometimes, he would even do the chores himself if he didn't see me doing them when he though I should. The he says that I wasn't ever going to do them! I dont think this is fair to me because he doesn't allow me to do them on MY TERMS and makes me out to be a liar and lazy when I'm not! This has snowballed into an enormous issue that has torn us apart. He is convinced that I have used him and taken advantage of him. I, on the other hand, feel like he is twisting this around for reasons unknown to me!

One thing I also need to mention is that I've been ill with a condition called pseudotumor cerebri. I have too much cerebral spinal fluid buildup that puts pressure on my brain and causes unbearable, chronic headaches. I've had this condition for many years. But it's been really bad for at least 3 years. It's been nearly incapacitating for the last few months. The meds and the pain as well as the other neurological side effects can really slow me down some days. But he has told me that I'm just being lazy.

To make matters even worse, he couldn't stand the hours I worked. He wanted me to quit my job because he said he could support me himself. We started our own business and we are doing ok. My job was a constant source of arguments. So, I finally quit. I needed to anyway because my condition was worsening. But, because I haven't kept the house as clean as he 'expected' I would.....we have had major problems. He thinks that this shows I don't care about him. He believes the headaches shouldn't slow me down at all.

Now, as of last night, he has told me that he wants to leave. He wants a divorce. He doesn't want to try and work on our marriage. He said he will stay long enough for me to 'find a job' and 'get my headaches settled' but that is it. He doesn't want to leave me 1/2 the business. He says he is still in love with me but that we are too incompatable and that if he stays any longer, he will sink into a depression that he will never come out of.

I've tried to get him to work on our marriage for the last few months. I want so badly for him to work on it. We were once so close. And now, he is pulling away from me. I want to go to a marriage counselor, but he won't go. I want an outsider's view of our relationship.

Is there a way to save our marriage by myself?

I dont know what your first husband was like but based on what you have just posted, it seems like your current husband is a verbal abuser. He is calling you lazy, he is accusing you of things, he is blaming you that he chose to do all that housework for a year. He is making himself out to be the victim. I dont say these things to hurt you, I am married to a man who does and says all same things(worse)to me. I recommend that you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" Patricia Evans. Your husband is not being compassionate or understanding at all about your awful headaches or all the hours you used to work. How awful that you are suffering headaches like that and told that you are lazy because you dont do enough housework. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for your situation. VA like to have "power over you". The problem is not you. I hope I dont come across too strong. It is hard to see verbal abuse if you are not aware of it. I grew up w/a critical and verbally abusive mom. Then I married one. I am separated from him now(for 2 months). He went to counselling w/ me 3 times but every time he pointed the finger back at me. I am not telling you to leave , I just wanted to let you know my experience w/it. Arielle89

Thank you for your reply, Arielle. I appreciate your feedback. I haven't looked at things like this. I never saw him as being verbally abusive. And now that you put it that way, you are right. He *does* make himself out to be a "victim" in our marriage. And it's very hurtful to me because I don't want to hurt him and I've been trying so hard to make and keep him happy. But it seems like no matter what I do, it doesn't work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

he sounds verbally abusive and narcissistic.... it is all about him him him... what about you and what you need?? sounds like my ex... don't even get me started... if he won't get help I don't know that anything can be salvaged. there are those I am sure who would disagree but.. he needs to get a grip and stop the poor me nonsense and look at the whole picture. My ex used the poor me all the damn time... he was so unhappy, poor him, he was this he was that.. pulease... people like that drive me nuts. and not amount of what you say to him is going to change his thinking...

Do some reading, see a counselor on your own, and really decide if he is not willing to change a bit, or even compromise, do you really want to live forever like that? mlhb

That is what is driving me nuts: it's like he doesn't even *care* about how I feel! All he cares about is what this marriage does for him! I keep asking, aren't you supposed to put your spouse first, before your own needs? If both spouses do so, then both should get their needs met. But instead of even trying to meet my needs anymore, he keeps focusing on his own. And I do to. I feel like this whole marriage right now is all focused on what we can do to make HIM happy.

I have ordered some bookds. I want to start concentrating on myself and making myself happy. He's now willing to "compromise." We'll see how long this lasts. I'm going to do what I can to make our marriage work and make him happy. But in the meantime, I've come to the conclusion that I need to start working on making ME happy because I've been so focused on him, I've lost out.

If anybody else out there has any more advice or views on this, please fill me in!

Um...

Please read about and print out the LB questionaires for the both of you, exchange, and work on them for as long as it takes to eliminate them from your marriage.

You may think you know what is bothering him but may not know how he prioritizes them. This is what you need to know about each other so that you can concentrate your efforts where they will make the most difference/impact.

The questionaires put things in perspective and give you both something concrete to work on. Floundering can be very, very frustrating - and it kills valuable time to a sinking marriage.

Some people go years knowing that they and their spouses are unhappy but are either unable to put their finger on it or are 'too busy' to take the time to find out. Take the time and make the effort to find out.

Sooly