Just found out today 4-9-2006 wife had a PA with someone she works with. This PA started out with my wife reaching out to her coworker after he lost his only son. It soon escalated into an EA which she told me about in Aug '05. When she told me of the EA, i forgave her and told her that we can work it out. But deep down i had a bad feeling that she wasn't telling me everything. I'd ask her if there was any physical contact and she reassured me that there wasn't any. I believed her and was impressed with the courage she had to tell me this. Since she told me this things started to get better between us. The attention and communication, which was a leading factor in the EA, that I showed her had gotten much better. But today 4-9-2006 the other shoe dropped. She told me that the EA had gotten physical. I was LIVID!! Not only was I lied to about the PA I had to drag it out of her. Then she gets MAD AT ME for getting up and leaving the table. I don't know what to do, this whole PA happened when she was pregnant with our 2nd D, (she's mine, yes). Now she's all worried that I'm going to leave her. One minute I want to leave her but the next I don't because I do love her and want to work this whole thing out for the sake of us and our two beautiful daughters.

Any encouraging words of wisdom will certainly help me

I am so sorry what you are going through. Marriage counseling is an absolute must. I know you said that the baby is yours but it would not be a bad idea to get a paternity test done. She was pregnant while she was having sex with this guy. You know that she has lied to you in the past so there is no reason to give her credibility on the timeline.

It is good that she was finally honest with you but what took her so long and why now? Something tells me you most certainly need to have a paternity test done. I am sorry for what you are going through. It is interesting that she is worried that you now may leave her. Why was she not worried about this when she was having sex with this guy? By the way I think it is very important to contact this OM's wife as well. Both your wife and the OM need to learn that there are consequences to their actions. I wish you luck.

Hello Betrayed,

Does your W post here? I think she does. If she is the woman that I believe she is, she has been strongly encouraged to tell you the truth. I also mentioned to her that you probably had suspected that it was more than an EA.

You are going to feel almost as bad as you felt when you found out about her EA, maybe worse for awhile. But, as you think about this, consider that she has in fact been working with you to make the marriage better, and she has finally told you fearing the absolute worst...that you would leave her.

There is no short cut around the hurt of this, but give it some time. What she has done by telling you may have saved your marriage if you will give her a chance. I know you hurt and you should, but what you cannot see just yet is that your marriage as a very good chance of not only succeeding but being far better than it has ever.

Let's face it after hearing this news, and talking between you about this topic, just what topic would there be that you two could NOT open up to one another on?

The weekends are slow but keep posting and ask lots of questions. I don't know how much you have read on this site, but do read the articles. There is a lot of information here, and it will help you see things in far clearer ways.

I am sorry this has happened to you. But, I think in the long run you will be happy that you took your time and considered things very carefully.

More will post to you I am sure. If your W does post here, what is her logon name?

Hang in there, it will get better.

God Bless,

JL

I'm so sorry...I don't know how much wisdom I have because I just found out two weeks ago, but this board is very helpful. I urge you to not make any quick decisions that you will regret and try to gather all the info you can from this site. There is hope and it does get easier. It is worth giving it your all for the sake of your daughters and the love and time you've invested in her. The anger will get better...

Welcome to MB. I am a Betrayed Spouse myself. So we understand how you feel.

So what do you want? Wha tdo you need? You say you love her. And I would guess that she still loves you. She did tell you didn't she? And tha tis a VERY hard thing to do. Have you read any of hte books? Like his needs/herneeds, Surviiving an Affair.

One if the first things that it is MUST in my opinion is Radical honesty. NO more secrets. But her telling you the TURHT is a good start. Don't give up hope. My prayers are with you.

ANd beleive me, with children working on your marriage and rebuiliding will be SO worth it for all of you.

It isusualy preety slow on th eweekends but keep bumping htis thread and it will stay near the top.

What JL told you was very true. Your M really had little hope of true intimacy until your FWW told you the whole truth. It was very brave of her to do so. Now you two can really work on having a great M. Keep posting and you will find lots of support here for both of you.

Betrayed,

You have found a wonderful place here on MB. JL had a great first step - read everything you can on this site. I also suggest getting copy of Surviving An Affair. You have a lot to work through and I hope you will stick around and let the good people here help you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. No one but a BS can know how awful this is.

Take care,

Kim

B38, how are you today?

b38 - your reaction and feelings are normal and justified. Most of us have been there.

But your wife's disclosure is exactly what she should have done. Would you have preferred to be in the dark for the rest of your life?

I bet her disclosure was with hopes that a full marital recovery could occur. This doesn't diminish her mistake to have an affair, but indicates her inner recovery that coming clean with you is necessary to move further forward. There are many folks on this forum who crave this level of honesty.

Don't get me wrong - you have good reason to be mad as he11. Get it all out and get it over with. Then get to work for the sake of the family. This is VERY recoverable.

JMHO

B38, I am very sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. Please know that there is hope for your marriage. I know you can't imagine it today, but since you know the truth now, your marriage HAS A CHANCE. It did not have a chance until you knew the facts about your life.

Many of us here have been through exactly what you are going through and will attest to the fact that it is very possible to some day have a wonderful marriage. It is possible to recover from this, b38, and have a GREAT marriage.

I would ask you to forgo making any decisions about leaving right now. Leaving will cause more damage and will not accomplish anything. Just know that you will not always be angry, but you will always be divorced if you leave. So, please don't make any hasty decisions. Let us help you through this.

You can start with this article about ending an affair, and be sure and get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It can be ordered from this website with fast, cheap shipping.

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

B38, my FWW also had a PA while pregnant with our first child. I'm sorry you have to be here, but we will all help you get through this. You might think it is impossible, but you will learn that you can recover.
Good to hear that. Now the battle begins - and it will be the hardest you have ever fought. But you will get plenty of advice and support here.

Intention - I am B38's FWW - what can I do to ease his pain?

Share it.

WAT

S&C67 - I'll post over on your thread...

betrayed,

When a WS decides to return to the M it is reason to celebrate in our world here at MB. I also commend sadnad for her courage in coming on to this forum.

With that said, I want to caution you on the difficulties and roadblocks that remain ahead. Do not abandon your boundaries in the misbelief that they are impediments to healing yourself and your M.

Good luck to both of you

You are a lucky man!

Really, I mean it. My wife had an EA that turned into a PA and when I finally dragged the truth out of her she made the choice to leave me for him and never looked back. It has taken many years to recover and I am still not quite there yet. And our kids, knowing what their mom did, have taken the view that "mom cheated on and divorced the family not just you dad." Do you know how painful that is to hear?

My story is very sad. But, I hope yours can have a happier ending. Please take heart and do your best to build a new and better marriage.

Thanks for the encouragment. All I could think about today was what the ****** did I do to drive my w into another man's arms? One minute I blame myself the next I'm saying what was she thinking.

I'm glad you found us, even though I wish you didn't have the need. Your reactions are perfectly normal. The answer to your first question is there is nothing you did that drove her to cheat. She had lots of choices, and made a bad one.

There are probably things that you need to work on in your marriage, but there is just no excuse for infidelity.

Your feelings will go up and down, and that is why we call it the rollercoaster. Be prepared. This will go on for many months.

Please keep reading and posting here. Your friends and family will probably advise you to leave your wife. Unless they have been through this, they have no idea how to help you. The folks here will support you.

Just tryng to figure it all out. I feel like I'm at fault here. What did I do to drive my w into another man's arms? I felt very uneasy coming home tonight. To her credit she answered my questions with brutal honesty which was both extremely hurtful for me and liberating for her. What i don't understand is things that she did with the om she never did with me or let me do. I like to think of myself as a good guy but I feel like I'm not good enough to do those things with her.

I want to get through this where years from now it will all be a distant memory. She thinks that I will hold this over her head and pull it out at a moments notice. Well right now that is all we have over our heads. Years from now I hope it's all forgotten.

Why would she do this with another man and not me?

Oops, we posted at the same time.